Articles tagged with: madonna
Madonna’s Stupid Shoes To Save All Gypsies
Being a gypsy is an affliction that mostly just effects the gay community. The men therein go to sleep wearing beautiful sequinned pyjamas, and then wake up dressed like Aladdin clutching a stolen loaf of bread. It's tragic, it's disheartening, and perhaps worst of all - nobody knows the cause. Granted, this is all according to our late Uncle Saul. He also says Hitler's still living deep inside a hollowed-out elephant. Weird. Saul wasn't the only one who worried so for all the poor gypsies - Madonna does too. That's why she just let them have her shoes.
Being a gypsy is an affliction that mostly just effects the gay community. The men therein go to sleep wearing beautiful sequinned pyjamas, and then wake up dressed like Aladdin clutching a stolen loaf of bread. It's tragic, it's disheartening, and perhaps worst of all - nobody knows the cause. Granted, this is all according to our late Uncle Saul. He also says Hitler's still living deep inside a hollowed-out elephant. Weird. Saul wasn't the only one who worried so for all the poor gypsies - Madonna does too. That's why she just let them have her shoes.
Guy Ritchie Still Loves Madonna, Even Though She’s A Huge Retard
If there's one thing that Madonna isn't, it's a retard. Old, gap-toothed, embarrassing, yes - but not retarded. But tell that to Guy Ritchie. He was married to Madonna for several years, so if he says that Madonna is retarded then, yes, Madonna must be retarded. And since Guy Ritchie said that Madonna is retarded in this month's Esquire, it must be true. But it's OK - Guy also says that he still loves Madonna. Aww, it's just like Romeo & Juliet, isn't it? A wildly offensive version of Romeo & Juliet where Juliet is about 150 years old and keeps thrusting her manky old genitals in people's faces when they're trying to eat.
If there's one thing that Madonna isn't, it's a retard. Old, gap-toothed, embarrassing, yes - but not retarded. But tell that to Guy Ritchie. He was married to Madonna for several years, so if he says that Madonna is retarded then, yes, Madonna must be retarded. And since Guy Ritchie said that Madonna is retarded in this month's Esquire, it must be true. But it's OK - Guy also says that he still loves Madonna. Aww, it's just like Romeo & Juliet, isn't it? A wildly offensive version of Romeo & Juliet where Juliet is about 150 years old and keeps thrusting her manky old genitals in people's faces when they're trying to eat.
Madonna May Be Considering Marrying 22-Year-Old Jesus
Madonna is said to be considering getting married to her 22-year-old partner, Jesus Luz. Yes, you heard us. In a series of rather comical coincidences - that you could not make up unless you were hell-bent on being labelled a heathen - the queen of the baby-snatchers is rumoured to wish to marry her child boyfriend. Not that we're judging, mind you. This is ruddy Madonna we're talking about. Let's face it, short of long-division, there's nothing that she cannot do. Except wear trousers. And not grind her hip bones into a fine powder, as she dry humps her dancers in every video.
Madonna is said to be considering getting married to her 22-year-old partner, Jesus Luz. Yes, you heard us. In a series of rather comical coincidences - that you could not make up unless you were hell-bent on being labelled a heathen - the queen of the baby-snatchers is rumoured to wish to marry her child boyfriend. Not that we're judging, mind you. This is ruddy Madonna we're talking about. Let's face it, short of long-division, there's nothing that she cannot do. Except wear trousers. And not grind her hip bones into a fine powder, as she dry humps her dancers in every video.
Oh Dear, Michael Jackson Praised Hitler!
There is a book coming out called The Michael Jackson Tapes, and it looks set to send a few jaws hurtling towards the floor, then shattering, whilst eyes pop out on stalks, then go back in again. Kind of like in cartoons. Because, in the book, the crazy melty-clownface, during an interview with a learned Oxford University rabbi, thought he'd explain his admiration for Adolf Hitler, list a few women he could probably have done it with had he felt like it, and, at one point, he thought it would be wise to give a pair of child murderers a great big hug. Oh dear, Michael. Oh dear. It was all going so well, with the new single coming out, then the film of the build up to his big comeback tour. But now, it looks like a big turd is about to be smudged on the Jackson memories.
There is a book coming out called The Michael Jackson Tapes, and it looks set to send a few jaws hurtling towards the floor, then shattering, whilst eyes pop out on stalks, then go back in again. Kind of like in cartoons. Because, in the book, the crazy melty-clownface, during an interview with a learned Oxford University rabbi, thought he'd explain his admiration for Adolf Hitler, list a few women he could probably have done it with had he felt like it, and, at one point, he thought it would be wise to give a pair of child murderers a great big hug. Oh dear, Michael. Oh dear. It was all going so well, with the new single coming out, then the film of the build up to his big comeback tour. But now, it looks like a big turd is about to be smudged on the Jackson memories.
Sarah Michelle Gellar Gives Baby Normal Name! WTF??
Some people just don't quite know how to correctly behave when they're famous. Yes, we're talking about you, Sarah Michelle Gellar! And you, Freddie Prinze Jr! Don't try to hide away from our steely gaze. You both once had the world at your feet. For Christ's sake, you could have been the next Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. But look at you, so totally normal, it's disgusting. You've even given your child a standard everyday name - Charlotte Grace. Charlotte Grace? What the hell is wrong with you people? As literally everyone else on the planet knows, if you're going to live in the limelight, every single aspect of your life must be thrilling and unusual. Your diet, your choice of deity to worship, your outfits, and especially your children. They should be given freaky made-up names that sound stupid, like Suri, Maddox, or Brooklyn. Names guaranteed to see them cornered in the playground, and eventually home schooled.
Some people just don't quite know how to correctly behave when they're famous. Yes, we're talking about you, Sarah Michelle Gellar! And you, Freddie Prinze Jr! Don't try to hide away from our steely gaze. You both once had the world at your feet. For Christ's sake, you could have been the next Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. But look at you, so totally normal, it's disgusting. You've even given your child a standard everyday name - Charlotte Grace. Charlotte Grace? What the hell is wrong with you people? As literally everyone else on the planet knows, if you're going to live in the limelight, every single aspect of your life must be thrilling and unusual. Your diet, your choice of deity to worship, your outfits, and especially your children. They should be given freaky made-up names that sound stupid, like Suri, Maddox, or Brooklyn. Names guaranteed to see them cornered in the playground, and eventually home schooled.
Madonna Loves Gypsies Way More Than You Do
Madonna is at her happiest when she's deliberately upsetting people - which probably explains Body of Evidence, actually. But this time Madonna has outdone herself. This time, Madonna has managed to upset an entire swathe of eastern Europe. And it's hard to upset eastern Europeans because, seriously, have you seen what those people eat? Anyway, how did Madonna manage to so wildly offend the sensibilities of our European cousins? Simple, really - she went to Romania and said that she quite likes gypsies. Which is fair enough - pretending to finger yourself down the road from the Pope is OK. But gypsies? Ugh.
Madonna is at her happiest when she's deliberately upsetting people - which probably explains Body of Evidence, actually. But this time Madonna has outdone herself. This time, Madonna has managed to upset an entire swathe of eastern Europe. And it's hard to upset eastern Europeans because, seriously, have you seen what those people eat? Anyway, how did Madonna manage to so wildly offend the sensibilities of our European cousins? Simple, really - she went to Romania and said that she quite likes gypsies. Which is fair enough - pretending to finger yourself down the road from the Pope is OK. But gypsies? Ugh.
WEBTHUMP! 29 July 2009
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Buy Some Madonna Recordings That Are Possibly Worse Than Her Albums
Good news if you're the kind of person who still likes Madonna! Somebody's now selling a 4" x 6" square of her skin stretched over a small wooden frame. We've heard there are several moles vaguely formed in the shape of the big dipper, and if you follow the image, navigationally speaking, you'll eventually wind up in the Americas. We've also heard it originally came detached in the teeth of a rabid goat seven hours into a Kabbalah desert-tent ceremony. That, or bunches of faxed love notes and boring telephone messages she delivered years ago are going up for auction.
Good news if you're the kind of person who still likes Madonna! Somebody's now selling a 4" x 6" square of her skin stretched over a small wooden frame. We've heard there are several moles vaguely formed in the shape of the big dipper, and if you follow the image, navigationally speaking, you'll eventually wind up in the Americas. We've also heard it originally came detached in the teeth of a rabid goat seven hours into a Kabbalah desert-tent ceremony. That, or bunches of faxed love notes and boring telephone messages she delivered years ago are going up for auction.
