Posts tagged as:

Maddox

Angelina Jolie Will Cry If Kids Become Normal, Like Your Boring, Settled Children

by Joanna Bolouri on December 21, 2011 0 Comments

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie,  has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

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Brad Pitt Goes To Las Vegas With Some Kids, No Hilarity Ensues

by Stuart Heritage on February 19, 2009 0 Comments

You know what’s crazy? When fathers take their sons to places and do things. Boy, that’s crazy. CRAZY.

So that makes Brad Pitt a lunatic. Reports are zinging around about Brad Pitt taking his adopted sons Maddox and Pax to Las Vegas to eat burgers and play Nintendo together. Without question, this is clearly the biggest news of the decade, if not history.

Let’s just be thankful that it was Brad Pitt who did this and not Angelina Jolie, because then Jennifer Aniston would feel obliged to counter it by suckling a wolverine or something, and we’re getting so tired.

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Angelina Jolie Buys Her Little Boy A Knife

by Stuart Heritage on October 14, 2008 5 Comments

As the adopted son of two millionaire actors, Maddox Jolie-Pitt is going to be exposed to the worst hardships on Earth during his lifetime.

That’s why Angelina Jolie has taken the only sensible option and bought seven-year-old Maddox his very first knife. It’s a kind gesture, and it’s sort of made us wish that Angelina Jolie was our mother, too – once, when we were seven, a boy at junior school took our Monster Munch, and that situation would have been resolved much more swiftly if we’d have just stabbed them through the neck with the knife our mum gave us.

But don’t worry, outraged citizens – Angelina Jolie isn’t stupid. That’s why she deliberately had the knife blunted before giving to Maddox. Now, instead of hurting someone with the knife, Maddox can merely foster a lifetime fascination with knives that culminates in him chopping up a pensioner with a katana one hour into his 18th birthday.

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As the adopted son of two millionaire actors, Maddox Jolie-Pitt is going to be exposed to the worst hardships on Earth during his lifetime. That's why Angelina Jolie has taken the only sensible option and bought seven-year-old Maddox his very first knife. It's a kind gesture, and it's sort of made us wish that Angelina Jolie was our mother, too - once, when we were seven, a boy at junior school took our Monster Munch, and that situation would have been resolved much more swiftly if we'd have just stabbed them through the neck with the knife our mum gave us. But don't worry, outraged citizens - Angelina Jolie isn't stupid. That's why she deliberately had the knife blunted before giving to Maddox. Now, instead of hurting someone with the knife, Maddox can merely foster a lifetime fascination with knives that culminates in him chopping up a pensioner with a katana one hour into his 18th birthday.