To watch the skin-crawling Tom Cruise: Scientologist video you'd think that there was literally nothing that Tom Cruise couldn't do, apart from make sense and laugh normally.

However, Katie Holmes has bravely pushed her head above the parapet and spoken out about something that Tom Cruise isn't able to do.

Tom Cruise, you see, can't keep pizzas warm with magic.

Katie Holmes must be absolutely furious at the moment, provided that someone's fitted a fury chip into her circuitboard. Ever since hooking up with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes' film career has taken a battering. She had all her brilliant-sounding sex scenes mysteriously removed from Thank You For Smoking, then she was the worst thing about Batman Begins and after that acting had to take a back seat to speculation about whether Tom Cruise kept her in a metal cage or a bamboo one in private.

And this was supposed to be the time that Katie Holmes broke out for herself thanks to her – admittedly terrible-looking – new movie Mad Money. And what happens as Mad Money's release date approaches? Has everyone been giving a reasoned assessment of Katie's performance? No, they've been watching a creepy Scientologist video of Tom Cruise being weird and wondering how much of L Ron's sperm it took to get her pregnant. 

So Katie Holmes has had enough, and now she's decided to defend her husband to get the Mad Money promotion back on track. You see, even though Tom Cruise knows that only Scientologists are able to really help car-crash victims, he'd make a shit pizza delivery boy – and that's thanks to his vast inability to use magic to keep pizzas warm.

When Tom Cruise visited Katie Holmes and the other Mad Money cast members on set in Louisiana during filming once, he brought a pizza with him. From Giordanos in – get this – Chicago. And – get this – it was warm. Apparently the Mad Money cast and crew all thought that Tom Cruise had somehow harnessed his inner Thetan to keep the pizza warm for the entire 906-mile journey, but that's probably because they all sound like they're as thick as pigshit.

But, sadly, Katie Holmes has hilariously revealed that it wasn't magic at all – it was dry-ice:

"Giordanos send dry ice which keeps the pizza hot."

See? What Katie Holmes is trying to say is that Tom Cruise is just like us! And he is, except that we don't aggressively push our confusing religion onto people by claiming that we're eminently more qualified to cure car crash victims than paramedics because we believe that a crazy alien once dropped a hydrogen bomb into a volcano.

Plus Tom Cruise was also in a film about cocktails and we weren't. That's another way he's not like us. But mainly the creepy alien volcano bomb thing.

Read more:

HOLMES REVEALS CRUISE'S PIZZA MAGIC - PR Inside 

If you had a really, really awful looking film coming out and you're clearly too old to pretend to be pregnant like Eva Longoria, what do you do?

Easy, if you're Diane Keaton you swear like a titting docker at the most inappropriate time you can think of, that's what. On a live visit to Good Morning America to promote her Mad Money film yesterday, Diane Keaton decided to screech "If I had lips like yours I wouldn't have to work on my fucking personality!" at host Diane Sawyer like some sort of pottymouthed harpy.

Yes, we've got video.

Thanks to her chronic inability to hang out at rehab or go through protracted custody battles with her redneck husband or flash her 62-year-old ladyparts for the paparazzi as she gets out of cars, Diane Keaton has so far managed to escape the attention of hecklerspray. And that's the way it was going to stay, until Diane Keaton decided to go on breakfast TV and start swearing like a drunken taxi driver, at least.

But then that's what Diane Keaton went and did. Promoting her rubbish-looking new film Mad Money – which loses points for being based on a not-very-good British drama called Hot Money and then loses subsequent points for having the word 'Mad' in the title and co-starring Katie Holmes - on Good Morning America, Diane Keaton decided that the best way to get the movie out there would be to scream "fucking" during a conversation about the host's mouth. Look…

See, people? This is the real cost of the writers' strike. If stars aren't allowed to go on the big talkshows like Leno to promote their films, they're going to have to get inventive. Just this week we've seen Paris Hilton possibly become Harvard's woman of the year because of The Hottie And The Nottie, we've seen Eva Longoria invent a non-pregnancy because of Over Her Dead Body and now Diane Keaton is shouting the word 'fucking' on breakfast television like some sort of wrinkly Sex Pistol.

Where will this all end? Will Raven Simone kick a tramp in the nutsack before College Road Trip comes out? Will Kate Hudson anally violate someone with her fingers while screaming fascist propaganda in their ear to mark the release of Fool's Gold? Writers, come back, we just want this blasted strike over.

Read more:

Diane Keaton Swears On TV, FCC Stammers - Reuters