Sometimes the only way to say ‘mother, I’m afraid I’ve been having it off with a rough chap from church and now I’m bally well pregnant’ is in a letter.
And sometimes the only way to sell copies of your memoir about what a slapdash job you appear to have done of raising your children is to discuss that highly private letter on live TV.
Lynne Spears knows that only too well, because she’s been pimping her new book Britney Spears: My Part In Her Downfall by telling the Today show about the hilarious time that Jamie Lynn Spears was so eaten up by the crippling shame of her teenage pregnancy that she couldn’t even tell Lynne about it face to face and had to write a note instead – a note which left Lynne Spears weeping with uncontrollable anguish and the stark realisation that she’d unquestionably failed as a mother. Good times.
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On the basis that wearing a nice dress and not crying is the best sign of mental recovery, Britney Spears is clearly back to her best.
So there’s obviously no better time to publish a book about Britney Spears; primarily her struggle with mental illness and her amazing revival. Admittedly it’s still early days – Britney could have a relapse tomorrow and start throwing animals off motorway bridges, rendering the whole book obsolete – but there’s nothing like striking while the iron’s hot, is there?
That’s what Britney Spears’ mother Lynne Spears thinks, because her Britney Spears book Through The Storm comes out next week. Copies have already leaked, and it seems it’s more about what a brave and inspiring mother Lynne is than anything else. Which is true – Lynne Spears has bravely inspired us never to have kids in case we end up raising them as terribly as she’s done with hers.
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If hecklerspray’s mother’s only chance at a decent pension was to write a tell-all book about raising us to adulthood, there’d probably be an entire chapter dedicated to the time an iguana latched onto our nethers during a Caribbean camping trip, and kept its jaw firmly locked all the way back to the mainland.
It got us in an outhouse. We should have brought a flashlight.
Also there’d be a chapter about how that reptile-hanger-onner had us tied up in Customs for a day and a half. If this book actually happens, don’t anybody read it. We’d simply die.
When Britney Spears gets a tell-all book penned by her mother, it doesn’t get to have any lizard encounters included unless its about dancing with them in those new fangled southern churches. What it does get, however, is vivid accounts of Brit-Brit drinking at 13, drugging at 15, and watching her virginity sail over the horizon on the guardrail of a decrepit family tree house.
The tree house bit is probably not an actual excerpt.
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So Britney Spears is locked away in a psychiatric hospital and Britney's Dad is officially her conservator – that's everything all cleaned up, right?
Oh goodness, no. Haven't you people learnt that this Britney Spears malarkey is going to go on forever yet? Forever. Mark these weary words.
Anyway, the new piece of Britney Spears nonsense is that Britney's mother Lynne Spears claims that Britney's manager Sam Lutfi used to grind up drugs and mash them into Britney Spears' food. Plus he hid her dog once, the big bloody bastard.
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As the popular movie Juno has taught us, nothing aids the pregnant schoolgirl like a full-on rendition of a Moldy Peaches song with the kid from Arrested Development.
However, if you're Jamie Lynn Spears then you don't need any of that twee indie schmindie nonsense – you just pump the baby out, hand it to your mother and get on with your life.
That's right, it's been reported that Jamie Lynn Spears has decided to let her mother Lynne take care of raising the unborn baby that's currently inside her. Because, you know, she did such a great job with Britney and Jamie Lynn, right?
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As humans, it's only natural that we look at Britney Spears from time to time and think "Golly, someone really did a bang-up job of raising that little delight to be a well-rounded and conscientious member of society."
However, our feeling of admiration at the exemplary way that Britney Spears was raised into the angel she is today is often tempered with a deep burning resentment at the fact that, no matter what we do, we'll never be able to bring up our children to be anywhere near the glowing standard of saintly humanity that Britney Spears has set. So we can't believe our luck that Britney Spears' mother Lynne Spears is all set to publish Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World next year. It's basically a how-to manual for anyone who wants to raise their kids to be just like Britney Spears. We're especially looking forward to the chapter about pushing your young child relentlessly through the machinations of fame at the obvious cost of her mental safety.
No, wait, that's the whole book. Our mistake.
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Sometimes the only way to say ‘mother, I’m afraid I’ve been having it off with a rough chap from church and now I’m bally well pregnant’ is in a letter.
