Everyone can calm down now, the panic’s over – Michael Jackson’s lungs aren’t disgusting scab-covered peanuts after all.

Yes, we know there was a report yesterday claiming that Michael Jackson needed a lung transplant because he suffers from a potentially fatal genetic condition that has also destroyed his eyesight, but Michael Jackson is adamant that it’s untrue.

And if anyone says that Michael Jackson has a set of knackered lungs and rubbish vision, then he’ll hunt you down like a dog. But only if it’s in a well-lit environment. And it shouldn’t involve any running, either – he wears out easily, you know.

If you’re a Michael Jackson fan who hasn’t been put off by the years of broken promises, allegations of child molestation, inexplicably unpredictable behaviour, repeated claims of financial irregularity and gruesome exploding lips, then you’re about to get the best Christmas present of all – Michael Jackson isn’t about to die an excruciatingly painful death that involves him gasping for air that his body can no longer process!

Several alarming reports emerged yesterday, seeming to suggest that Michael Jackson urgently needed a lung transplant. This, claimed Michael Jackson biographer Ian Halperin, was because Jackson suffers from the rare genetic disorder Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency, which has given him emphysema, chronic gastrointestinal bleeding and has caused him to lose 95% vision in his left eye.

As such, it was said that if Michael Jackson didn’t get the lung transplant soon he’d quickly become a weak, inert, near-mute figure of public pity isolated from the rest of the world and unable to honour any professional commitments. So he’d basically be exactly the same as he already is, but with slightly more blood-vomiting.

However, forget all that crap. Michael Jackson is alive and well and his lungs are in tip-top conditions and to prove it he’ll do 50 star-jumps on his front lawn right now. Or, as an alternative, Michael Jackson will release a statement dismissing these claims that will be absolutely incontrovertible because it’s written by a man with a fake-sounding name who says he’s not only a doctor but also ‘Michael Jackson’s official and sole spokesman’. Take it away, Dr. Tohme Tohme:

“Concerning [Halperin's] allegations, we would hope in the future that legitimate media will not continue to be exploited by such an obvious attempt to promote this unauthorised biography… The writer’s wild allegations concerning Mr. Jackson’s health are a total fabrication. Mr. Jackson is in fine health and finalising negotiations with a major entertainment company and television network for both a world tour and a series of specials and appearances.”

This will come as wonderful news for all of Michael Jackson’s fans around the world. The reason why Michael Jackson hasn’t announced a new album or tour isn’t because he’s going to die of a terrifying lung disorder any time soon. It’s because he hates you. Or something. Either way, hooray!

The real winner of this palaver, though, is definitely Ian Halperin. By claiming that Michael Jackson is dying of an awful disease, he’s ensured that his biography will get a lot more publicity than it otherwise would have done. It’s a neat trick, and also the reason why Hecklerspray Industries will soon be publishing a number of completely untrue biographies such as Madonna’s Got Chlamydia, Robert Pattinson From Twilight Definitely Has Autoimmune Polyendocrinopathy Syndrome and What’s Up With Jennifer Aniston’s Eyelid? She Should Probably Get That Looked At.

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