Instead, the Big Brother housemates who will all be holding their sphincters in as tightly as possible at about 10:30 tonight are Kat, Darnell, Dale, Stuart, Mohamed, Luke, Rex and Rachel. One of them has to go. We know. Just one. Life sucks, doesn’t it?

So here are the Big Brother betting odds for the eviction of Luke, Dale, Rachel, Rex and Stuart for you to work backwards with, courtesy of Paddy Power…

Luke – Luke was one of the Big Brother housemates to be nominated for eviction before all this football nonsense came along and made us have to write about four times as many housemates as we wanted to. Will the Big Brother viewers remain loyal to the housemates’ original choices? Probably not. Are we past the point of caring at the moment? Yup. Current Big Brother betting odds – 1/6

Dale – Dale is overwhelming the favourite to be evicted from Big Brother tonight because, well, because he’s a staggering tossbasket. He was a useless Big Brother head of house, he’s clearly a bit too in love with himself and he definitely deserves to be evicted tonight, if only for the heartbreaking look on his face when he realises that Jennifer isn’t there and that she doesn’t love him any more. That’d be television gold almost on the level of Tonightly, the brand new top-notch, very funny show that immediately follows the Big Brother eviction on Channel 4 tonight. Ahem. Current Big Brother betting odds – 12/1

Rachel – As perfectly obvious as it is that Rachel is lovely and the victim of needless bullying in the Big Brother house, there’s a part of us that half-expects her to be evicted tonight. Two reasons for this: 1) there’s a slowly-growing backlash building against Happy House, of which Rachel is a chief member, and 2) people are mostly idiots. Current Big Brother betting odds – 40/1

Rex – Rex, despite building a smidge of a following round these parts, absolutely threw it all away this week when, after watching the Big Brother intro tapes, he rounded on Rachel and made her cry. Rex says Rachel is a fake and a phony, but it’s better to be a fake than a braying, arrogant twunt. Right everyone? Everyone? We’re the only ones who care about this, aren’t we? Fiddlesticks. Current Big Brother betting odds – 8/1

Stuart – And then there’s Stuart, who was head of the Big Brother house this week until his cockheaded idea to discuss nominations by cackhandedly assigning each housemate a football team backfired. That’s one more thing to cry about, isn’t it Stuart, along with the way that nobody loves you and you miss your daughter and boo hoo hoo hoo hoo mer mer mer. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Next week: More Big Brother betting odds. What did you expect? But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Although the Big Brother eviction was just meant to be between Dale and Luke, a bunch of other housemates decided to discuss nominations in the form of hopeless football metaphors that even a child could decode. So that means that Dale, Luke, Darnell, Kat, Maysoon, Mohamed, Rachael, Rex and Stuart are all up for Big Brother eviction this week. We’ll be discussing that tomorrow, you lucky dogs.

But today, who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Darnell, Luke and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Dale – Although his tenure as head of the Big Brother house was almost totally worthless, it did manage to change Dale’s personality completely. Prior to that, Dale was stuck in a silently lovesick fug over Horrible Jen, but now he actually speaks! Granted, about 85% of everything that Dale ever says is “Fookinell, this is so shit,” but it’s a start. A couple more weeks of this progress and Dale might even be onto fully comprehensible sentences. That’ll be the real test of his mettle, given that the majority of his brainspace is currently used to think nice things about his own hair. Throw ‘coherent speech’ into the mix and he might have an aneurysm. Current Big Brother betting odds – 6/1

Darnell – Never have we ever wanted anyone to fail at anything more than Darnell at Big Brother. It’s not that we dislike him as such – in a social situation, he’d probably last a tiny bit longer than most Big Brother housemates before we lost our shit and tried to strangle him – but he’s taking Big Brother so seriously that it’d be incredible fun to see him chewed up and spat out by the public. The man wants to win so much it’s obscene – his sulky reaction to the news of his nomination last week, followed by the paranoid reflections on his position in the house and gauchely triumphant crowing after he won are testament to that. So let’s get Darnell out now, partly for a laugh and partly so that dreadful Cookie Love song never ever gets played on the radio. Ever. You know we’re right. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/2

Luke – The sight of Rebecca snogging Mohamed, although it resembled a scene from the forthcoming remake of Species starring only heinously ugly people, will be remembered as one of the most profoundly important moments in Luke’s life. If we’re right about this, it’ll be thought of as the moment when Luke won Big Brother. The look of gut-wrenching misery that flashed across his eyes as Rebecca lunged at Mohamed’s mouth caused a million hearts to break at once up and down the country. And then when Luke said that he felt sick… well, in retrospect that probably had more to do with all the raw eggs he’d been forced to eat, but it still sounded good, didn’t it? That’s why, despite the odds, we’re guessing that Luke will emerge as the winner of this year’s Big Brother. We might be wrong of course – Luke is still is useless twat who annoys the shit out of us, after all. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/4

Kat – OK, OK, we get it. Kat’s the favourite to win Big Brother. We really wish she wasn’t – with such a tiny amount of development going on inside her cookie-obsessed, perfectly spherical brain, we’ve completely run out of things to say about her. This week Kat ate an egg that tasted bad. Woo! Kat to win and etc. Current Big Brother betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother eviction betting odds! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Why? Don’t you see? It means that hardly anyone got to see Belinda! And the fewer people who are aware of Belinda, the less chance we have of ever hearing from her again! It’s not quite the humane abattoir-style stun-gun and throat-slit dispatch we’d envisioned, but it’s close enough.

Anyway, we’ll get to Darnell, Mohamed and Rebecca tomorrow – because they’re all up for eviction this week – but for now, who’ll win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Darnell, Luke and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Dale – Jennifer has been out of the Big Brother house for long enough to simultaneously whap her norks out like a slapper in Nuts magazine and tell the world that she doesn’t fancy Dale in the slightest, but that doesn’t mean that Dale has forgotten about her. On the three occasions that Dale has actually spoken this month, two of them have been lovelorn Jen-centric sighs. It makes us want to evict Dale from Big Brother immediately, to be honest, because we enjoy seeing pretty boys have their hearts trampled into mush on live TV. The one other time that Dale spoke, by the way, was when he decided to become head of the Big Brother house. And hasn’t that worked out swimmingly? Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/1

Darnell – They say that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, but it turns out that a desultory amount of obviously token power can turn you into a full-on wanker as well, as proved last week when Darnell became head of the Big Brother house. Swept in on the power of an unnervingly sincere campaign speech, Darnell absolutely fell to shit within moments of being appointed. The casual misogyny was almost immediate, ordering people to cook him dinner and then refusing to eat it came soon after, and the Gollum-style tantrum he threw when the power was taken away from him was astounding. Frankly, we’re starting to feel that Darnell would turn into a brutal megalomaniac if you gave him control of a watering can, so let’s all agree never to let him win Big Brother. Deal? Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/1

Luke – We’re still utterly incapable of working out why Luke is riding so high in these Big Brother betting odds. Is it because he’s the underdog? Because he’s got a funny-looking girlfriend? Because he speaks with the patter of a deeply untrustworthy used car dealer? If any of you actually like Luke, please leave a comment explaining why. We’re stumped. All we can see is a scrawny little bugger who won’t stop complaining about every little thing that happens to him and seems so depressed that he occasionally has to kiss a fat girl in the same way a self-harmer might slash away at their arms to give themselves something worse to feel. Honestly, we think we need your input here. Badly. Current Big Brother betting odds – 3/1

Kat – If you’ve been reading these Big Brother betting odds for the last couple of weeks then you’ll have noticed that we’ve been starting to get a little bit bored of Kat. But don’t worry, because we’ve reversed our decision – a couple of days ago we realised that Kat doesn’t actually have any joints in her arms or legs and we laughed for about seven hours solid about it. And Kat cried a lot because she ate a secret banana. So, yes, Kat to win Big Brother again please. It might sound like we’re being dangerously fickle, but it probably says a lot about this year’s Big Brother that a fat stiff-limbed foreigner eating a banana stands out as a feelgood moment of the series. Current Big Brother betting odds – 15/8

Tomorrow: Big Brother betting odds for Friday’s eviction. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Who gets your vote to go? Is it Belinda, perhaps the most annoying Big Brother housemate left this year; or Rex, who’s much less annoying but only because he’s basically just a big waste of massive ginger skin? Oh, let’s just evict them both. And when we say ‘evict’ we mean ‘waterboard’. And when we say ‘both’ we mean ‘all Big Brother housemates.’ Let’s waterboard all Big Brother housemates.

Eviction betting odds tomorrow, but for now – who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Dale, Darnell, Luke and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Dale – Dale? In the top four Big Brother housemates? Can’t people see that he’s clearly a clueless poopot whose only two settings are ‘monosyllabic mumbling’ and ‘violently angry yelling’? Actually, that’s a total lie – since Jennifer stopped being able to make him do her dirty work by fluttering her idiot eyelashes, Dale’s stopped with the violently angry yelling. That just leaves monosyllabic mumbling, then, which Dale as been eager to do pretty much constantly for the last fortnight. Woo! Dale to win! Current Big Brother betting odds – 10/1

Darnell – This week Darnell was crowned Head of the Big Brother house – a role that came with many difficult responsibilities. And, since Darnell is given to regular bouts of paranoia and naval-gazing, most were expecting him to crack under the pressure and do that epileptic monkey thing that he does when he’s stressed out. But, although Darnell kept his cool, the decisions he made as Big Brother house head have clearly gained him a few enemies. Does this mean that Darnell is done for? Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/1

Luke – Luke went into the Big Brother house a scrawny, nervy geek of a boy, but thanks to his new romance with Rebecca he’ll leave it a man. A scrawny, nervy geek of a man, but a man nonetheless. A man who seems to have inadvertently picked up a girlfriend who screams and drinks and takes her top off in front of an audience of millions at the drop of a hat. A man who must surely be worried that said girlfriend will bite his head off and eat it right after they have sex for the first time. A man who seems to deeply regret all of the above. But it’s boosted Luke’s chances of winning Big Brother considerably. And what’s a lifetime of misery compared to a plaudit like that? Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/4

Kat – This was inevitable, we suppose, and it’s with a heavy heart that we report this to you, but is anyone else getting a little bit bored of Kat? We know it’s a borderline sacrilegious thing to suggest, but lately Kat hasn’t been acting like a technicolour spazzed-out cartoon character as much as before. If anything, she’s starting to act like a normal person. What the hell is that all about? Normal behaviour and discussions about feelings are crap. We want to see a funny fat foreigner make orgasm noises because someone’s shown her a picture of a biscuit! Do more of that, Kat, and we’ll start to think your position as favourite to win Big Brother is justified again. OK? Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/8

Tomorrow: Big Brother eviction betting odds! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

That’s because Mario is also up for eviction. Ha! Do you see what we did there? We are clever. But anyway, yes, it’s been announced that Mario and Rebecca have been nominated for Big Brother eviction, and for once we’re torn about who we want to go. Oh, can’t we just humanely gas them both?

We’ll come to the Big Brother eviction odds tomorrow, but for now we’d better finish up our weekly look at the Big Brother betting odds to win for Mikey, Rex, Luke, Darnell and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Mikey – As a blind man, Mikey naturally has several major advantages over his fellow Big Brother housemates. For starters he never has to see the disgusting spectacle of Lisa and Mario kissing each other with tongues, and also his disability is bound to garner lots of sympathy from the Big Brother viewers. Except it’s not – although Mikey was the early favourite to win Big Brother, now his chances are sinking faster than ever. Mikey seems to recognise this himself, which is why he’s started to do bizarre stunts like shaving his eyebrows off for no reason whatsoever in the hope that people will notice him. One advantage that Mikey does have, however, is that all the housemates are scared shitless of nominating him in case it makes them look like anti-blind bastards. Which they probably are, deep down. The bastards. Current Big Brother betting odds – 14/1

Rex – Look at that again. Rex is one of the favourites to win Big Brother. Arrogant, loaded, reality-deprived Rex. There must be some kind of mistake here. Sure, Rex survived a Big Brother eviction on Friday, but that’s not because he’s popular and charismatic – it’s because he’s not Jennifer. Robert Mugabe would have survived an eviction against Jennifer, for christ’s sake. However, you have to appreciate the irony – Rex seems so desperate to go home that he almost started crying when he wasn’t evicted last week, and the more depressed and frustrated he gets, the more people decide that he might win. Let’s hope that Rex has some kind of violent psychotic meltdown pretty soon, then – he’ll have the show in the bag. Current Big Brother betting odds – 10/1

Luke – How Luke manages to stay in the Big Brother betting odds top three is absolutely beyond us – the poor boy genuinely can’t do a thing right. Politically he’s aligning himself against Rex, Kat and Rachel – the three Big Brother housemates who are popular because they’ve got quite a lot of common sense – and romantically he’s sidling up to Rebecca. Rebecca! It’s just bizarre that someone who bitches and whines so often can still stand a chance of winning Big Brother. Maybe it’s his voice that everyone likes – Luke talks like a permanently startled character in a children’s novel, and they’ve historically always done very well in Big Brother. Current Big Brother betting odds – 15/2

Darnell – For a brief period of time last week Darnell was actually the favourite to win Big Brother. It’s no surprise, really – he’s consistently stood up for the little guy in a number of incidents, seems to have people’s best interests at heart for the most part and is just about disabled enough for it to be endearing. But Darnell needs to look out – lately he’s started to get a bit paranoid about power structures in the house and how well he might be doing with the viewers. Darnell’s easily excited, too, so there’s a very strong possibility that he might start unspooling all over the place in the next couple of weeks. Fingers crossed, anyway. Current Big Brother betting odds – 15/8

Kat – But however popular Darnell is, he’ll have a tough job trying to usurp Kat from her position at the top of the Big Brother betting odds. Her kooky, grinning, rainbow-coloured, cookie-fixated shtick is never going to get old, unless you’re one of the growing swathe of Big Brother housemates who she’s starting to infuriate, of course. Anyway, Kat’s no fool and she knows that she’s going to have to subvert the form a little to maintain her popularity – which is why, for a brief period last week, Kat decided to become a kooky, grinning, rainbow-coloured, cookie-fixated gonk with rubbish hair extensions. Genius. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/4

Tomorrow – Big Brother betting odds for Friday’s eviction! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Who’ll be evicted? It’s so hard to decide, isn’t it, because both Jen and Rex bring so much to the Big Brother table. If Jennifer gets evicted the Big Brother house will be far less catty and spiteful, while if Rex goes it’ll be less… we dunno, ginger? It’s a close call, that’s for sure.

Eviction odds tomorrow, but for now here are the Big Brother betting odds to win for Rachel, Mikey, Luke, Darnell and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Rachel – Rachel’s a difficult Big Brother housemate to get a proper handle on, probably because she doesn’t seem to have any trace of personality yet. Throw Rachel into an argument and she’ll never actually express an opinion on anything – she’ll just try and placate everyone by radiating peace beams from her slightly-too-large forehead. However, last week Rachel did come close to showing a trace of her true colours when she clattered off a treadmill during rehearsals for the OK Go task, slightly hurt one of her fingers, and more or less acted like she’d been stabbed in the eye with a dirty Sarin syringe. And that, kids, is the most interesting thing that Rachel has done, possibly ever. Current Big Brother betting odds – 12/1

Mikey – We have a question – what’s happened to lovely blind Mikey, the opening day favourite to win Big Brother? He’s disappeared lately, to be replaced with either completely anonymous Mikey or worryingly creepy Mikey. Unless Mikey decides to do something pretty drastic sharpish, he’ll lose his residual blindness pity and he’ll stand no chance at all of winning Big Brother. Incidentally, you know how Mikey describes himself as a stand-up comedian? We met someone last week who’s seen him perform. Apparently he’s shit. Current Big Brother betting odds – 9/1

Luke – Here’s a fun game for people who watch Big Brother all the time but are increasingly growing to despise it, if any of them exist apart from us – it’s the Luke’s exaggerated opinion drinking game. You see, Luke’s a little light on actual opinion about stuff, so he likes to sit on the peripheries of conversations, wait until he’s caught wind of which direction it’s going in and then wade in with a confusingly pumped-up opinion of his own. Like when Lisa was complaining that Rex only cooks spaghetti with pesto, Luke shouted “We want to eat English food! Not pasto!” Anyway, the game is to drink every time Luke does something like that. Play it for long enough and you’ll be hammered. It takes away the pain of watching Big Brother, honest. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/1

Darnell – Really? Darnell’s now second favourite to win Big Brother? Why? Seriously, why? We think it might because of his Brian Belo-style oversimplistic reaction to everything. For instance, rather than engaging in a reasoned debate after the spitting incident last week, Darnell ran into the Big Brother bedroom and screamed at everyone until he almost collapsed from the strain. He had a point, but he expressed himself in the same way that a child would. An angry, disturbed child. For another instance, when Darnell was in the Big Brother prison he started to feel horny. So he attempted to hump the prison bars. Plus, you know, every now and again he’ll bellow “Cash muh-NEE!” at nobody in particular. And who doesn’t love that? Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/1

Kat – Obviously Kat’s the favourite to win Big Brother. In a week when everything inside the Big Brother house is slowly turning darker and darker, Kat’s still there monomanically shouting about cookies like a technicolour cartoon ballerina hippo. And long may it continue – although Big Brother housemates always carp on about the ‘journey’ they’ve been on, we don’t want Kat to go on any kind of journey whatsoever. We want her to stay exactly how she is. Honestly, we’ll like her a lot less if she ever starts to display anything as boring as normal human behaviour. Current Big Brother betting odds – Evens

Tomorrow – Big Brother eviction betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

But how they act about being nominated is another pretty good indicator. Take Mohamed and Sylvia, for example. When Mohamed realised he was facing eviction, he was all smiles and hugs and warmth. However, Sylvia took a different path on hearing the news, basically going “Wergh wergh wergh wergh wergh,” at an uncomfortable pitch for about seven hours. Who’ll go? We’ll tell you tomorrow.

But for now, who’ll win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Rachel, Darnell, Mikey, Luke and Kathreya, with help from Paddy Power…

Rachel - Her incessant yip-yip-yipping about absolutely nothing aside, Rachel might just be the most normal Big Brother housemate of the year. And by ‘normal’ we clearly mean ‘devoid of any obvious gimmicks other than a slightly bulbous forehead’. She seems quite down to earth and intelligent and nice and everything, but since when have any of those made anyone  qualified to be a Big Brother housemate? She’s not disabled, she doesn’t have a comically low sense of self-awareness, it’s rubbish. Seriously, Rachel had better be a secret arse amputee or a robot controlled by a squirrel waggling joysticks in her head, because this is just dull. Current Big Brother betting odds – 14/1

Darnell – Really Big Brother? You’re playing the old ‘black American almost-blind albino from Swindon’ card again? Boring! How many times do you expect to get away with that one? It’s just lazy, that’s what it is. Actually, condition aside, there doesn’t seem to be that much to Darnell. He’s been in prison, we hear, and he says things like “Hot damn!” in inappropriate places a lot, but otherwise Darnell has been desperately trying to blend into the crowd in the slightly upsetting way that nobody who’ll ever be able to can. And it looks like he’s in the running to win Big Brother, too. Maybe we should should develop a conspicuous skin disorder too, then we’ll end up coming fourth on a crappy reality TV show as well! Current Big Brother betting odds – 9/1

Mikey – So there’s Darnell (partially sighted and fourth favourite to win Big Brother) and then there’s Mikey (completely blind and third favourite to win Big Brother). See the pattern here? The more blind you are, the better chance you have of winning Big Brother. Luke’s second favourite to win – maybe it’ll turn out that his eyes are actually marbles rolling around in empty sockets. It’d make sense. Anyway, we’re straying from discussing Mikey’s personality here because we know arse-all about it – any time Mikey looks like he’s about to get interesting, Mario barges in and shouts “He’s DISABLED! You people are bastards! AREN’T THEY, MIKEY?” like the great big fleshy cockhole that he is. Maybe when Mario is evicted from Big Brother we’ll start to see the real Mikey. It’d be funny if he turned out to be a dick, wouldn’t it. Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/1

Luke – Here’s a turn-up. Second into the Big Brother house, Luke looked like a bit of a joke – a friendless wimp who’d flounder and drown within weeks. And now here he is, the second favourite to win Big Brother. That’s probably because, once the initial shock of a stick-thin child acting like a desperate 50-year-old used car salesman wore off, Luke proved himself to be effortlessly likeable. Plus he’s a bit pathetic, and we all like to root for an underdog, don’t we? Even though technically, since he’s second-favourite to win, Luke isn’t an underdog. Technically Mario’s the underdog. Maybe we should all root for him instead. Actually, no, fuck that. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/4

Kathreya - So it’s Kathreya who’s going to win Big Brother, then. That sounds about right – because she likes cookies and when she sees a cookie she shouts the word ‘cookie’ and she says ‘hilarious’ in a funny way and she spells out words that she’s just learnt and she’s fat. It’s a similar tactic that they use to choose Popes, you know. Anyway, although she’s plainly a big adorable bucket of concentrated joy, it’d be nice to see Kathreya go through another emotion. Just once. Even if it’s mild disgruntlement and it lasts for three seconds. Because that way at least she’d seem slightly more human, rather than a product of the nightmares that toddlers have when they’ve ingested too much Haribo. Current Big Brother betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Big Brother eviction betting odds! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.