Posts tagged as:

Love

Miley Cyrus’ Dad Loves Her Much Older Knicker-Model Boyfriend

by Stuart Heritage

Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party – with one notable exception.

And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

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Megan Fox Announces Lesbian Stripper Love, All Teenage Boys Explode

by Stuart Heritage

As a terrifying sex cyborg sent back from the future to destroy mankind, Megan Fox knows exactly how much self-abuse she’s responsible for.

But even though she’s easily caused enough teenage ejaculations to power a rocket trip to the moon, Megan Fox knows that her work is still not done. And that’s why Megan Fox has told GQ magazine that she once had a sizzling lesbian relationship with a female stripper from Russia called Nikita.

We can’t congratulate Megan Fox enough for telling us this. Honestly, with the world’s financial markets in meltdown and the worst recession for a century looming over us all, Megan Fox implying that she might have once rubbed her clodge against a stripper’s clodge has single-handedly resuscitated the ailing tissue industry. Megan, we salute you.

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Jessica Simpson Still Loves That Guy Who Keeps Trying To Dump Her

by Stuart Heritage

Ask yourself this – is there anything really more romantic than an unconvincing on/off relationship between two people who you don’t really care about?

Jessica Simpson doesn’t seem to think so, because she’s slap-bang in the middle of one as we speak and it’s all she can bloody well carp on about. Jessica Simpson was on The View recently, and seemed weirdly determined to tell everyone how much she and her boyfriend Tony Romo love each other at suspiciously short intervals, despite constant rumours suggesting that they’ve split up.

Let’s hope that Jessica Simpson isn’t just staying together with Tony Romo for our sake, because ‘Jessica Simpson Starts Crying Because She’s Sad And So, So Alone’ is a headline that we’re itching to use, you know.

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Jim Carrey Marches For Boy-Love Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Imagine how awesome it’d be if Jim Carrey was your dad. Wait, did we say ‘awesome’? We meant ‘soul-draining’.

We’d imagine that Jim Carrey would be the sort of parent who makes your friends say “Wow, your dad is so cool!” forcing you to explain to them that waking up every morning knowing that you’re about to be subjected to a tedious 45-minute comic improvisational display involving a spoon and pair of slippers has made your life a sheer unrelenting hell on earth.

Anyway, Jim Carrey does have a son – a six-year-old autistic boy called Evan. And even though Evan isn’t his and he’s not married to the woman who gave birth to Evan, Jim Carrey’s just gone on a march and told a magazine that Evan has ‘taught him how to love’, something that must bring tears of joy to the eyes of Jim Carrey’s 20-year-old biological daughter.

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Sean Penn Doesn’t Want To Divorce His Wife Any More

by Stuart Heritage

The Sean Penn/ Robin Wright Penn divorce was the one divorce that everyone was looking forward to, but now the bastards have spoilt it.

How? By flipping well falling back in love again, that’s how. Although they filed for divorce in December, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have now decided to call the divorce off so that they can sit around kissing and holding hands for the indefinite future.

We feel sick – this isn’t how Hollywood marriages are supposed to go at all. Where’s the infidelity, the bitterness, the petty public games of one-upmanship? Where, damn it, is the embarrassing sexual encounter with the seven-foot transsexual hooker? Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn, your happiness infuriates us.

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Lindsay Lohan Wants A Kylie And Rihanna Musical Orgy!

by Paul Sorrenti

Lindsay Lohan has spoken of her plans to merge the musical styles of Kylie and Rihanna for her upcoming album, in a way that can tenuously be described as wanting an orgy.

Li-Lo – as only the coolest of kids are calling her – is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia). Talking about her upcoming album, she said:

I want it to be dance, I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I’ve already done three songs. I’m doing my third in New York, actually.

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Bannerman & Cerys Still Blathering On About Love

by Stuart Heritage

The highlight of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here this year was the blossoming romance between Mark Bannerman and Cerys Matthews, possibly the two people in the whole world you’ve thought about least over the last five years.

You see, even though Mark Bannerman had a girlfriend and Cerys Matthews had hands that looked like geriatric scrotum-skin stretched across several wire coathangers, the pair of them fell in love during their time on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. And not just any kind of love, either – Mark Bannerman and Cerys Matthews found the kind of deep everlasting love that only washed-up popstars and people from failed wrestling-based reality TV shows can encounter after spending 15 minutes in a cleared-out piece of forest together. And, by christ, we wish they’d both shut up about it.

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