Posts tagged as:

Love

Taylor Swift And Jake Gyllenhaal To Become Most Dreary Couple In History

by Mof Gimmers

If rumours are to be believed, then Taylor Swift’s next album is going to be about Jake Gyllenhaal. That means, of course, her next album is going to be filled with boring love songs or boring break-up songs. The only thing that’s certain is that it will be more tedious than eating Rich Tea biscuits [...]

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Taylor Swift Loves Being Single! Does That Mean She Enjoys Being Lonely Or Dropping Her Knickers?

by Mof Gimmers

Taylor Swift  – musical cress – has had a bumper 12 months or so, rising to baffling stardom with the twee-est, more Dawson Creeky music ever written and, of course, finding  time to get involved in the lamest beef ever with Kanye West. And like all whining singer-songwriters, she’s rather fond of baring her soul [...]

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Eurovision 2009: Sasha Son, Lithuania

by Stuart Heritage

The Eurovision Song Contest is almost upon us, and…

No, actually, wait. The Eurovision Song Contest isn’t almost upon us at all. It’s weeks away. Honestly, there’s ages before the Eurovision Song Contest. It’s much too early to bother with any of it. Really, it is. Why don’t you take the time you were planning to read this and do something more constructive? Say hi to your neighbour. Write that book you always promised yourself. It’s better this way.

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Brad Pitt Gets All “I! Hate! EVERYONE! (In The Paparazzi)”

by Stuart Heritage

You know how Brad Pitt is constantly getting stalked by the paparazzi wherever he goes, much to his clear annoyance?

Well, you’ll never guess what he thinks of them.

In an interview with The Today Show, Brad Pitt has announced that he hates the paparazzi, but he loves his family. Steady on there, Brad – much more of this controversial ‘good things are good and bad things are bad’ talk and there’s a decent chance that you’ll end up literally melting our mind. What? You like your family? That’s literally crazy. Video after the jump.

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Madonna Possibly Looks In A-Rod’s General Direction! Disgusting!

by Stuart Heritage

Madonna has never been shy about displaying her love, and by ‘love’ we obviously mean ‘grotty old lady vagina’.

But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.

This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.

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Is George Clooney Back Badoinking Emmanuelle In Space?

by Stuart Heritage

As the star of highbrow hits like Syriana, Michael Clayton and Good Night, And Good Luck, George Clooney is a man who knows quality.

However, as the star of lowbrow schlock like One Fine Day, Predator: The Concert and one episode of 1980s detective motorcycle TV show Street Hawk, George Clooney is also a man who probably appreciates having it off with huge-norked softcorn pornstars.

We take that back – George Clooney is definitely a man who appreciates that. If current reports are true, George Clooney has got back together with his old flame Krista Allen, a woman probably best known for her work in the erotic television show Emmanuelle In Space, where Krista Allen taught sex to some aliens by having sex with some aliens. We’re not sure what our point is here, but it’s probably this – well done George Clooney.

As the star of highbrow hits like Syriana, Michael Clayton and Good Night, And Good Luck, George Clooney is a man who knows quality. However, as the star of lowbrow schlock like One Fine Day, Predator: The Concert and one episode of 1980s detective motorcycle TV show Street Hawk, George Clooney is also a man who probably appreciates having it off with huge-norked softcorn pornstars. We take that back - George Clooney is definitely a man who appreciates that. If current reports are true, George Clooney has got back together with his old flame Krista Allen, a woman probably best known for her work in the erotic television show Emmanuelle In Space, where Krista Allen taught sex to some aliens by having sex with some aliens. We're not sure what our point is here, but it's probably this - well done George Clooney.
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Miley Cyrus’ Dad Loves Her Much Older Knicker-Model Boyfriend

by Stuart Heritage

Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party – with one notable exception.

And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

Just about the whole world went to the great big hideously expensive Miley Cyrus Disneyland 16th birthday party - with one notable exception. And, of course, that was Justin Gaston - the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus' special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It's not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn't go to Miley Cyrus' birthday party - he's too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something. But Miley Cyrus' dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn't mind. He's heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.
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Megan Fox Announces Lesbian Stripper Love, All Teenage Boys Explode

by Stuart Heritage

As a terrifying sex cyborg sent back from the future to destroy mankind, Megan Fox knows exactly how much self-abuse she’s responsible for.

But even though she’s easily caused enough teenage ejaculations to power a rocket trip to the moon, Megan Fox knows that her work is still not done. And that’s why Megan Fox has told GQ magazine that she once had a sizzling lesbian relationship with a female stripper from Russia called Nikita.

We can’t congratulate Megan Fox enough for telling us this. Honestly, with the world’s financial markets in meltdown and the worst recession for a century looming over us all, Megan Fox implying that she might have once rubbed her clodge against a stripper’s clodge has single-handedly resuscitated the ailing tissue industry. Megan, we salute you.

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Jessica Simpson Still Loves That Guy Who Keeps Trying To Dump Her

by Stuart Heritage

Ask yourself this – is there anything really more romantic than an unconvincing on/off relationship between two people who you don’t really care about?

Jessica Simpson doesn’t seem to think so, because she’s slap-bang in the middle of one as we speak and it’s all she can bloody well carp on about. Jessica Simpson was on The View recently, and seemed weirdly determined to tell everyone how much she and her boyfriend Tony Romo love each other at suspiciously short intervals, despite constant rumours suggesting that they’ve split up.

Let’s hope that Jessica Simpson isn’t just staying together with Tony Romo for our sake, because ‘Jessica Simpson Starts Crying Because She’s Sad And So, So Alone’ is a headline that we’re itching to use, you know.

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Jim Carrey Marches For Boy-Love Or Something

by Stuart Heritage

Imagine how awesome it’d be if Jim Carrey was your dad. Wait, did we say ‘awesome’? We meant ‘soul-draining’.

We’d imagine that Jim Carrey would be the sort of parent who makes your friends say “Wow, your dad is so cool!” forcing you to explain to them that waking up every morning knowing that you’re about to be subjected to a tedious 45-minute comic improvisational display involving a spoon and pair of slippers has made your life a sheer unrelenting hell on earth.

Anyway, Jim Carrey does have a son – a six-year-old autistic boy called Evan. And even though Evan isn’t his and he’s not married to the woman who gave birth to Evan, Jim Carrey’s just gone on a march and told a magazine that Evan has ‘taught him how to love’, something that must bring tears of joy to the eyes of Jim Carrey’s 20-year-old biological daughter.

Imagine how awesome it'd be if Jim Carrey was your dad. Wait, did we say 'awesome'? We meant 'soul-draining'. We'd imagine that Jim Carrey would be the sort of parent who makes your friends say "Wow, your dad is so cool!" forcing you to explain to them that waking up every morning knowing that you're about to be subjected to a tedious 45-minute comic improvisational display involving a spoon and pair of slippers has made your life a sheer unrelenting hell on earth. Anyway, Jim Carrey does have a son - a six-year-old autistic boy called Evan. And even though Evan isn't his and he's not married to the woman who gave birth to Evan, Jim Carrey's just gone on a march and told a magazine that Evan has 'taught him how to love', something that must bring tears of joy to the eyes of Jim Carrey's 20-year-old biological daughter.
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