The Eurovision Song Contest is almost upon us, and…

No, actually, wait. The Eurovision Song Contest isn’t almost upon us at all. It’s weeks away. Honestly, there’s ages before the Eurovision Song Contest. It’s much too early to bother with any of it. Really, it is. Why don’t you take the time you were planning to read this and do something more constructive? Say hi to your neighbour. Write that book you always promised yourself. It’s better this way.

No? Fine then, here’s the Eurovision 2009 rundown for Sasha Son from Lithuania…

Lithuania · Sasha Son, Love

OK, this is just ridiculous. Sasha Son is apparently a big star in Lithuania, although we’d expect that this is more for the stupid angle of his gay little hats than any actual musical ability. If his song Love sounds familiar, it’s because it bascially is – it’s Falling by Alicia Keys but with all the orgasmy noises replaced with mind-numbing generic message placards like ‘Stop The Violence’, ‘A Helping Hand’ and, possibly ‘Can You Pick Up Some More Milk On The Way Home?’. What’s Love about? Well it appears to have some sort of overarching social theme, but it repeats the word ‘love’ 17 times in every chorus so bugger it, let’s say it’s about love. We’ve already spent too long on this dog’s dinner.

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Well, you’ll never guess what he thinks of them.

In an interview with The Today Show, Brad Pitt has announced that he hates the paparazzi, but he loves his family. Steady on there, Brad – much more of this controversial ‘good things are good and bad things are bad’ talk and there’s a decent chance that you’ll end up literally melting our mind. What? You like your family? That’s literally crazy. Video after the jump.

We’re starting to think that Brad Pitt is a lost cause. The poor man just doesn’t know how to promote a movie. Later this month, Brad’s new film The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button is released, and it looks like it could be one of the best films of the year. Or at least it would be if Brad Pitt could sell the ruddy thing convincingly.

Now, if Angelina Jolie was the star of Benjamin Button it’d be a different story. She’d be rolling out stories of how many weapons her children have and how much she hates Jennifer Aniston and seeing how many babies she could clip onto each tit and the end result would be, well, nobody would watch the movie because it’d be an Angelina Jolie movie and nobody’s that mental, but at least there would be loads of headlines about her. Sometimes that’s enough.

But Brad Pitt? His promotion of Benjamin Button is just wildly dull. It started badly – with a dreary anecdote about his kids – and now it’s inexplicably managed to get worse. Brad Pitt has been interviewed by The Today Show, and the two main thrusts of the outcome are that a) Brad Pitt loves his kids and b) Brad Pitt doesn’t love the paparazzi. First the quotes and then the video:

“I’m really proud of this family. I look at my sons and my daughters – one is from Vietnam, one is from Cambodia, one is from Ethiopia and here are these kids who were born in Namibia and in France, and they’re brothers and sisters… Truly, I feel rich being around them. Each one of them offers so much to the mix.”

“Let me be very blunt, I hate them. I hate these people. I don’t understand how they do that for a living. We have to make a distinction between people who photograph celebrities at events and people who climb over walls wearing camouflage… calling out your kids’ names as you try to take them to school so they’ll look that way. I have no respect for these people. There should be laws against it.”

Really Brad Pitt? You hate the paparazzi? We would have never guessed – all this time we thought you were ordering your security to hug them when they got too close. Hug them hard. By the neck.

Anyway, we can sort of see Brad Pitt’s point here – his family does deserve a base amount of privacy from time to time, if only because it’d keep them out of the poxy magazines once in a while – but come on, you’re promoting a film here! Can’t you dredge up some kind of huge inappropriately personal aspect of your life and endlessly drone on about that instead?

Jesus, it’s almost like Brad Pitt wants his potentially Oscar-winning movie to be judged on its merits or something. That’s literally disgusting.

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But her actual love? That’s a different story. Madonna knows that love is a tender and private thing, and therefore always keeps it to herself like a coy little schoolgirl. A schoolgirl who’s been dipped into an acid bath and then sandblasted, obviously, but a schoolgirl nonetheless.

This coyness was on full show last night, when Madonna sat her rumoured new boyfriend Alex Rodriguez in the front row of her concert in Miami and kept making funny little glances towards him during some of her more sentimental songs. Oh, and she did something else to him as well – something mind-scarringly ghastly. Not an exaggeration.

Keep it to yourself, but the divorce between Guy Ritchie and Madonna might have actually been quite a good idea in retrospect. While they were married, Guy Ritchie made some of the worst films in history and Madonna… well, she made some of the worst films in history too, but there’s nothing particularly new about that.

But since the divorce, everything has changed. There’s a fighting chance that Guy Ritchie’s new Sherlock Holmes movie won’t be an absolute dogturd, and Madonna seems revitalised by her new freedom. Not only is she openly discussing her feelings now, but it seems like she’s edging her supposed relationship with Alex Rodriguez closer and closer into the public eye.

True, Madonna isn’t spending Thanksgiving with Alex Rodriguez, but yesterday she gave him the next best thing – a front row seat at her Sticky And Sweet concert in Miami. And one of the good seats, too – one where where you can see every vein pulsing in her labia underneath whatever borderline-illegal excuse for a leotard she’s decided to wear.

More than that, though, Madonna also treated Alex Rodriguez to something that literally dozens of gay South African men would kill for – she personally serenaded him. According to reports, as well as exchanging shy little glances through the concert, Madonna kept her eyes trained on Alex Rodriguez throughout the duration of You Must Love Me, welling up with tears when A-Rod smiled back at her.

By the way, we’re not sure if Madonna chose You Must Love Me because the title forms part of her sci-fi brainwashing of Alex Rodriguez or not. We’re guessing she did, because she similarly maintained eye contact with Rodriguez throughout two new songs: Hey, How About A Bit Of Foreplay Now And Again and Take The Rubbish Out, Slave.

Anyway, tender unspoken dedications weren’t the only thing that Madonna had in store for Alex Rodriguez during her concert. May we present to you the single most nightmarishly disgusting sentence ever published on hecklerspray, courtesy of The New York Daily News:

In a couple of hotter moments, Madge gyrated in A-Rod’s direction while winking at him and later went pneumatic on a speaker while staring his way.

Pneumatic. Gyrated. Winking. Bleurgh. We’d just like to apologise for any nausea, mental dislocation, shrieking night terrors, exploding eye haemorrhoids, dizziness, murderous rages or gout brought on by that last sentence. Remember, the New York Daily News wrote it, not us.

Still, though, so long as Madonna and Alex Rodriguez are happ… no. No we can’t do it. No funny last sentence here – we’re genuinely going to vomit. Sorry.

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However, as the star of lowbrow schlock like One Fine Day, Predator: The Concert and one episode of 1980s detective motorcycle TV show Street Hawk, George Clooney is also a man who probably appreciates having it off with huge-norked softcorn pornstars.

We take that back – George Clooney is definitely a man who appreciates that. If current reports are true, George Clooney has got back together with his old flame Krista Allen, a woman probably best known for her work in the erotic television show Emmanuelle In Space, where Krista Allen taught sex to some aliens by having sex with some aliens. We’re not sure what our point is here, but it’s probably this – well done George Clooney.

George Clooney is a man with several loves. He loves movies for example, and he’s just crazy about endorsing just about every single shitbox consumer product that gets waved under his nose for cash. But most of all, George Clooney loves women.

Or, to be slightly more accurate, George Clooney likes going out with one woman for a year or two, then dumping them, then doing the same with another woman, then another woman, and then going back to the first woman and starting all over again.

Previous Clooney conquests have included Lisa Snowdon off that dancing show and Sara Larson, the woman who George shared the world’s most romantic motorcycle accident last year. But perhaps George Clooney’s biggest love of all was Krista Allen, his girlfriend from 2004 to 2006 most famous for her brave updating of the seminal Emmanuelle softcore erotic movies where she went on a spaceship and had it off with some aliens.

Although Krista Allen knows sadness more than anyone else – she stopped playing Emmanuelle right before it got brilliant and started to be about a scientist who accidentally swaps minds with a cat and starts rubbing her fanny up and down on a bedpost, for example – at least it sounds like her personal life has taken an upswing. According to some reports, Krisa Allen is back together with George Clooney. The New York Daily News reports:

George Clooney may have figured out there’s no girlfriend like an old girlfriend. The bedroom-eyed Oscar winner has quietly circled back to Krista Allen, friends tell us. Throughout, says a friend, “Krista has always been there for him. She admits she just can’t get over him.” And something about Krista brings him back. “George really loves her,” says the source.

If it’s true, it’s so sweet that George Clooney has managed to rekindle his relationship with Krista Allen. Maybe she’ll even be able to provide some intellectual inspiration for his upcoming movies – because God knows his previous films have missed her influence.

Had Krista Allen been around recently, we get the feeling that George’s infamous Syriana torture scene would have been conducted by a sexy alien with big tits, plus we would have seen the release of a George Clooney movie entitled The Good German With Massive Tits Who Has It Off With Some Aliens In Space. We’re heartbroken that this didn’t happen.

Actually, though, this has got us a bit worried. Our last story was about a film director having sex with an actress and, since George and Krista met after George hired her for a part in Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, this one is too.

We swear to God, if our next story happens to be about Michael Winner, we’re genuinely not going to stop vomiting for a month.

And, of course, that was Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old undercracker model who might very well be Miley Cyrus’ special and conspicuously older boyfriend. It’s not really a surprise that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party – he’s too old for Disneyland and was probably doing something cool like riding a motorbike or drinking cider at a bus stop or something.

But Miley Cyrus’ dad Billy Ray Cyrus doesn’t mind. He’s heaped praise on Gaston despite his no-show. And so would you too, if you knew that pretending to enjoy the fact that your little girl is probably in some kind of relationship with a full-grown man was the only thing stopping said little girl from financially abandoning you the second she turns 18.

The big Miley Cyrus 16th birthday party in Disneyland on Sunday had just about everything you could wish for. Fireworks, thrill rides, celebrities, a short set by Miley Cyrus herself, the profoundly depressing realisation that you could work 24 hours a day for the rest of your life and still not earn what Miley Cyrus does in a month and – in Billy Ray Cyrus’ performance of Achy Breaky Heart – a couple of minutes to sneak off to the toilet.

But Miley’s party did lack one thing, and that was romance. We’re going to put that down to the absense of Justin Gaston – the fully-grown underwear model who Miley Cyrus seems to have developed some sort of romantic attachment to.

Now, we know what you’re thinking. The reason that Justin Gaston didn’t go to Miley Cyrus’ birthday party is because, prior to the party, Billy Ray Cyrus took him to one side and threatened to smoosh his skull into goo with half a brick if he even so much as thought about touching his special little daughter, but that’s not the case at all.

Actually it turn out that Billy Ray Cyrus is quite the fan of Justin Gaston. We already knew that he introduced Justin to Miley Cyrus, but he’s followed that up with even more effusive praise. Fox News reports:

“He is a great guy, a really talented guy,” Billy Ray said of Gaston, adding that he is great company for his daughter.

That’s not very comprehensive, Billy Ray Cyrus. Do you think you could back that up with another statement? Perhaps one that’s completely out of touch, has nothing to do with Justin Gaston and seems to bewilderingly paint yourself as some kind of world-healing Jesus figure?

“It’s our family going full circle. Being here with these fans is an appropriate way to celebrate. It’s the fans that our show is all about. It’s what our music is all about. Touching people’s lives worldwide and these are the people right here.”

OK, that’s better. Thanks.

Anyway, it’s not hard to see why Billy Ray Cyrus and Justin Gaston get along so well. They both love country music, for example, and they’re both Southern-born, God-fearin’, rootin’-tootin’, tobacco-chewin’ rednecks cowboys. Plus they’re roughly the same age, obviously.

And, what’s more, it must really take the heat off dealing with your girlfriend’s new boyfriend to know that no matter what filthy, depraved stuff he gets up to, he’ll never quite be as creepy around her as you are.

But even though she’s easily caused enough teenage ejaculations to power a rocket trip to the moon, Megan Fox knows that her work is still not done. And that’s why Megan Fox has told GQ magazine that she once had a sizzling lesbian relationship with a female stripper from Russia called Nikita.

We can’t congratulate Megan Fox enough for telling us this. Honestly, with the world’s financial markets in meltdown and the worst recession for a century looming over us all, Megan Fox implying that she might have once rubbed her clodge against a stripper’s clodge has single-handedly resuscitated the ailing tissue industry. Megan, we salute you.

Megan Fox scares the life out of us, you know. She’s just a little bit too perfect, almost as if teams of international scientists have spent decades gently calibrating her sexiness with microchips and industrial sanders.

Firstly there’s that name – Megan Fox is the kind of name you give yourself after deciding that Slapper McFannytits doesn’t quite get the message across with enough punch. Then there’s the way she looks – Megan Fox is the FHM world’s sexiest woman, a title she snatched from previous winners like Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson and 2002’s surprise winner, a greased-up block of ham in a bikini and a sexy wig.

But most of all, though, we’re convinced that Megan Fox is a robot because she only ever talks about sex. Ever. Literally ever. Her factory setting appears to be a constant monologue about her own naked body, and we hear that rather than get her to memorise actual lines, Michael Bay just cut and pasted all of Megan Fox’s Transformers dialogue from a three-hour discussion about how perky and soft her boobs are.

All of that isn’t enough for Megan Fox, though. Which is presumably why she’s gallivanting all over the place telling everyone that she’s a bit of a lesbian and she once had a thing for an east European lady stripper. Megan told GQ:

“She was sort of a tough badass, but she’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads… I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands.”

Wow, that is sexy. Usually when Megan Fox sees a sexy girl she tends to either want to snap a duck’s beak off with a clamp and a hammer or jump up and down on a binbag full of puppies, but strangling a mountain ox with her bare hands? That’s a brand new level of sexiness we didn’t even know existed.

Let’s hope that Megan Fox has now reached the outer limits of her sexy-talk now, though, because it’s going to be so hard for her to top a printed discussion about a lesbian infatuation with a female stripper. Well, unless that story about her having a greased-up 10-day orgy with the cast of Gossip Girl, three donkeys and midget dressed up as a clown on a yacht shaped like a labia moored off the coast of the Micronesian island of Tittyhooker gets out.

We just pray for the sake of mankind that it doesn’t.

Jessica Simpson doesn't seem to think so, because she's slap-bang in the middle of one as we speak and it's all she can bloody well carp on about. Jessica Simpson was on The View recently, and seemed weirdly determined to tell everyone how much she and her boyfriend Tony Romo love each other at suspiciously short intervals, despite constant rumours suggesting that they've split up.

Let's hope that Jessica Simpson isn't just staying together with Tony Romo for our sake, because 'Jessica Simpson Starts Crying Because She's Sad And So, So Alone' is a headline that we're itching to use, you know.

Jessica Simpson doesn't have a whole lot going for her at the moment. Her reality TV show career crumbled around the same time that her marriage to Nick Lachey did, her movie career will live or die depending on how soon she's prepared to bite the bullet and slap her hooters out and musically she's been reduced to releasing Come On Over, a opportunistic country single that we presume to be about Bukkake. Even her rubbish sister is more famous than she is now.

But one thing Jessica Simpson does have is Tony Romo. She has him no matter what, because he sees the real Jessica Simpson. It doesn't matter how many curses Jessica puts on Tony's sporting career, how noxious Jessica's piss gets or how many times Tony tries to actively split up with Jessica in public forever – Jessica Simpson isn't going to let go of him, no matter how hard he tries to wriggle away.

And this glorious devotion was on prominent display when Jessica Simpson visited The View recently. Perhaps aware that her jaw is now growing exponentially in proportion to the rest of her face, the View ladies asked Jessica if she had any plans to lock Tony down as a husband before the jaw got so unwieldy that it started to upset her centre of gravity. We're paraphrasing.

Anyway, here's how Jessica Simpson answered:

"You know, we're still together. We've been together seven, almost eight months now, and I don't really know about wedding bells. But I still love him, and I'm still with him — and that's pretty good sign!"

So that relentless stream of reports about Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo splitting up must be a dirty sack of lies, then. Still, even if they are still together Jessica Simpson must know only too well that 'I'm still with him and that's a pretty good sign' is nowhere near good enough. Who'll give her a reality TV show with that sort of inconclusive relationship status? Nobody, that's who.

If Jessica Simpson is serious about this relationship, she knows what she'll have to do – lie about her contraception and hope that the ensuing pregnancy will coax Tony Romo into a shame-based marriage proposal. Shotgun weddings are the Simpson family way, after all.

We’d imagine that Jim Carrey would be the sort of parent who makes your friends say “Wow, your dad is so cool!” forcing you to explain to them that waking up every morning knowing that you’re about to be subjected to a tedious 45-minute comic improvisational display involving a spoon and pair of slippers has made your life a sheer unrelenting hell on earth.

Anyway, Jim Carrey does have a son – a six-year-old autistic boy called Evan. And even though Evan isn’t his and he’s not married to the woman who gave birth to Evan, Jim Carrey’s just gone on a march and told a magazine that Evan has ‘taught him how to love’, something that must bring tears of joy to the eyes of Jim Carrey’s 20-year-old biological daughter.

You don’t hear so much from Jim Carrey these days, do you? After every movie he was attached to got scrapped due to a combination of script concerns and fears that Jim Carrey’s huge salaries didn’t justify the days spent filming him self-indulgently riffing through every single shot, he’s been a little bit on the quiet side.

And, as we all know, when a Hollywood actor’s career starts to go south they tend to be left with three choices – voiceover work, Scientology and social activism. We could be wrong, but Jim Carrey’s gone and picked all three, the greedy sod.

Not only did he voice Horton Hears A Who – with a Robert Zemeckis Beowulf-style version of A Christmas Carol in the pipeline – but Jim Carrey has also been hanging round Tom Cruise an awful lot lately. And then there’s the social activism angle – Jim Carrey exercised that yesterday by going on a march to help make vaccines less likely to make kids all autistic and stuff, even if they don’t.

You see, Jim Carrey is romantically involved with – but will be forever unmarried to – Jenny McCarthy, the woman who wrote that film about people slipping around on vaginal blood once. And Jenny McCarthy has a son from a previous relationship who happens to be autistic. And that might be because of a vaccine he had once, even though most doctors say that it isn’t and that Evan might not actually be autistic at all.

But that’s why Jim Carrey has picked up the cause of making vaccines cleaner, because he loves that little boy so very dearly, as People reports:

As he led 8,500 people through the streets of Washington, D.C., Wednesday, hand-in-hand with his daughter, Jane, McCarthy and Evan, the actor led told PEOPLE, “He taught me how to love. And without Evan I might never have seen the greatness of Jenny’s spirit.” Carrey added to the families, lawmakers and other activists gathered to raise awareness about toxins in vaccines that McCarthy is “the source of all that is good” in his life.

Incidentally, Jenny McCarthy now calls Jim Carrey ‘the autism whisperer’ because of the apparently miraculous way that his incessant clowning helped Evan’s recovery. On behalf of all the housewives reading this we say “awww.” And on behalf of everyone else we say “Jim Carrey, if you so much as think of making a Patch Adams-style movie about any of this we’ll come round right now and lock you in a cupboard.”

How? By flipping well falling back in love again, that’s how. Although they filed for divorce in December, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have now decided to call the divorce off so that they can sit around kissing and holding hands for the indefinite future.

We feel sick – this isn’t how Hollywood marriages are supposed to go at all. Where’s the infidelity, the bitterness, the petty public games of one-upmanship? Where, damn it, is the embarrassing sexual encounter with the seven-foot transsexual hooker? Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn, your happiness infuriates us.

We’ve got several different theories as to why being married to Sean Penn must be horrible. These include:

• His chainsmoking.

• His grouchiness.

• His constant po-faced chest-beating about the war.

• The way we expect that he spent months walking around the house practising his disabled voice all the time before filming I Am Sam.

• The fact that Madonna divorced him and yet still hasn’t divorced Guy Ritchie. We couldn’t stay in a marriage knowing that our spouse wasn’t even as good as Guy Ritchie, that’s for sure.

• The fact that he looks like a Mr Punch doll that’s been left in an acid bath for a month.

But try telling any of those reasons to Robin Wright Penn, because she loves Sean Penn so much that she can’t even bring herself to divorce him properly any more.

Back in December, Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn shocked the world by filing for divorce. They had been married for 11 years, which works out at about 400 Earth years, and were generally regarded as one of the strongest couples in all of Hollywood. Literally the strongest – not one person has ever challenged Robin Wright Penn to an arm-wrestle and come out of it without looking like they’d been in some kind of horrific industrial accident.

What caused the Sean Penn/ Robin Wright Penn divorce proceedings? Was it, as some suggested, because Sienna Miller wanted to hump Sean Penn? Was it for some other reason? Or a reason other than that? Or another one?

Well, actually it doesn’t matter, because Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn have decided to call the whole divorce thing off. Reuters reports:

Oscar winning actor Sean Penn and his wife actress Robin Wright Penn have withdrawn their divorce petition filed in December, a court document posted on celebrity Web site TMZ.com showed on Wednesday. The request to dismiss the divorce, filed one day earlier in Superior Court of California in Marin County north of San Francisco, shows the withdrawal was made “without prejudice.” A spokeswoman for Penn declined to comment, and no further details were available.

And that’s exactly the way it should be – no further details deserve to be available, because Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn’s love should speak for itself.

Also, any details that are made available are going to look doubly silly when Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn decide that they really are going to get divorced again in a couple of months. Let’s not forget that.

Read more:

Sean Penn, wife Robin end divorce proceeding - Reuters

Lindsay Lohan is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia), with Kylie's and Rihanna's back catalogue the inspiration behind her new record. Lohan said:

"I want it to be dance. I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I've already done three songs. I'm doing my third in New York, actually."

Now, although you may be thinking that it would be a pointless task traveling to New York to finish a song she’s just told us she’s already finished, don’t have a go at her. How about you just put your cynical self to the side for just one moment and wish her all the best? Why not spread a bit of love for a change?

Would you take the piss out of Steven Hawking if he tried to stand up by himself? No, you wouldn’t, so why take the piss out of Lindsay trying to sing? 

Upon being asked as to whether any of her new songs would reflect the troubles of her past year, Lohan said:

"I'm not sure yet, I don't know if I really want to (reflect on them). I think the past is the past and it should be kept there. It's a new slate for me and I want to show that in my new record."

And that’s her prerogative, guys. Shame though, because we were all looking forward to such classics as 'Woke up this morning saw my chuff in the paper’, ‘They told me to go to rehab, I said sure, sure, sure’ and ‘Like A Virgin, Touched For The 5,000th time’.

That’s all well and good and hilarious, but it’s also quite cruel when you think about it. Just like it was when reports of a sex video starring her were leaked on the internet. How would you feel if a grainy image of you eating Callum Best’s dirty fudgestick was circling the internet? The humiliation would surely be enough to drive you to stupidity too.

So let's all forget about how rubbish she is at most things, and try focusing on the positive aspects.

Feel free to point them out below.

Read more – Lindsay wants to be Kylie – The Daily Telegraph

You see, even though Mark Bannerman had a girlfriend and Cerys Matthews had hands that looked like geriatric scrotum-skin stretched across several wire coathangers, the pair of them fell in love during their time on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. And not just any kind of love, either – Mark Bannerman and Cerys Matthews found the kind of deep everlasting love that only washed-up popstars and people from failed wrestling-based reality TV shows can encounter after spending 15 minutes in a cleared-out piece of forest together. And, by christ, we wish they'd both shut up about it.

So Christopher Biggins is the winner of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, but any idiot could have predicted that. But while Christopher Biggins uses his victory to go through the traditional pikey supermarket advert-based career rebirth, the rest of the world can go back to discussing the real big story from I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – the burgeoning love between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews.

Those of you who watched I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here – or read any newspapers, listened to any local radio or overheard any conversation between a couple of dumpy housewives on the bus for that matter – will be aware of the story of Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews. Although Marc had a long-term girlfriend, the thought of spending a few days in a jungle with the Road Rage woman and not trying to touch her boob was enough to make him be a bit unfaithful. Knowing that his feelings for Cerys Matthews were stronger for his his girlfriend because Cerys was closer at the time and it was all on the telly, Marc and Cerys kissed and instantly fell in love.

It's love in the truest sense of the word, too – where two people who haven't been even vaguely famous for a decade decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together even though the sum total of their shared experience adds up to one awkward kiss and occasional glances of each other washing their arses in a river. And now Cerys Matthews is ready to talk about her feelings for Marc Bannerman, in the form of a newspaper interview that she got paid loads of money to do. Cerys told the News of The World:

"Neither of us intended to hurt anybody. It literally came out of the blue—and it was something that we couldn't really stop once we'd spent so much time together. We wouldn't have done any more, though. That's why Marc and I get on. We've got similar old-fashioned morals. We didn't do anything physically wrong, but there WAS a mental connection… But yes, I'm in love with Marc and I think he feels the same. I'd like us to spend the rest of our lives together—I've found a soulmate and because I'm a hopeless romantic I want to be with him for ever."

We have to admit that Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews do make a lovely, morally old-fashioned couple, in that she's already got a couple of kids from a failed marriage and he's been accused of domestic abuse.

And maybe this relationship between Marc Bannerman and Cerys Matthews will survive in a post-I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here environment. Fingers crossed that it does, because by our calculations the thing that the world currently needs most of all is a rival I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here couple to act as competition to Jordan and Peter Andre. Because, you know, they might eventually kill themselves fighting each other over an OK! photo shoot or an offer of a low-rent Five Life reality TV show. And then we'd just have Janice Dickinson left to worry about.

Read more:

It Was Like A Thunderbolt – News Of The World