Oh no! Britney Spears’ latest wedding is off! Yes, she was getting married again. We dunno, some bloke called Jason Trawick. Yes, we know she’s been married a million times and still seems mental. STOP ASKING US QUESTIONS WITH YOUR MIND.
Anyway, this latest marriage. It has been put on indefinite hold, which is really sad for Britters ain’t it?
Like hell it is! Apparently, she’s clicking her heels with glee about it all because she didn’t want to get married in the first place. Not that mental after all, eh?
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Some people can’t bear to move on and will stubbornly live in the past forever. One group of people who can’t escape the past are those loveable creatures that we call Michael Jackson fans.
How we chortle at their antics as they listen to their battered tape copies of his albums and trip over when they attempt to emulate his legendary moon walk. Heed our warning mind; anger these beasts and they’ll lash out violently.
Since the king of pop’s sudden death, nobody has officially taken his title. Lady Gaga has all sorts of gimmicks like Jackson had, such as that infamous meat dress. And to her advantage, they’re all planned, unlike that Pepsi commercial. You can do all sorts in terms of marketing a product, but overall, that counts for nothing if you’re yesterday’s news as it is revealed that Adele is now officially better than Michael Jackson.
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Look at you all. Your ears have imploded and you’ve been crying. For ages. It’s all Adele’s fault. Her shrieking, caterwauling racket has left the world in a state of submission, ready to give up. However, there’s good news!
But this good news doesn’t come easy. Your ears are about to get some blessed relief, but your stomach may throw-up in the process.
Adele gave an interview over the weekend, just before she bagged six Grammy awards, and stated that she’s going to take a long time off from music because she likes having sex. ALL THE TIME.
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It would be stupid to expect you to wander through life without a little guidance. Life is tricky and you can’t be expected to work everything out for yourselves. Especially you at the back there, with the tears and snot-bubbles.
So once again, our Queen of the Runes, Jo Bolouri, looks at the stars to provide you with a cheat-sheet for the next week of your life, helping you to fulfill you.
Shall we see what the stars are saying you gullible, gullible shitcarriage?
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Hey! America! You know that song you have that goes “Oh say can you see? By the dawn’s early light! Da-da-dum, dee-dee-dee, the actor called Rocket Redglare’s arse glows!” or whatever it is? Well, once again, it will be sung at a major sporting event where you don’t compete against anyone else in the world!
And who might be fluffing the lyrics to it at Super Bowl XLVI?!
Why, it’s the regrettably nice Kelly Clarkson who is very, very difficult to hate – unless you listen to her music.
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Welcome to 2012 you losers!! Think this year is going to somehow be better for you because you made some pitiful resolutions about being less onanistic and getting a real job? Pfft. Unlikely.
We’ve been staring into the new crystal ball we got for Christmas, conversing with the stars and even dancing with tears in our eyes, just to bring you a completely accurate and poorly written insight into your miserable lives.
Ready? Hit the jump!
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Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.
The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.
Why?
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When normal people have normal problems, it’s boring. However, when a famous person has normal problems, it becomes endearing. It enables us to coo “OOOH! THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!”
They’re not. They’re nothing like us. They are wealthy, bloated maggots who feed on our emotional connection to their image. They expect us to care more about their outpourings than our own.
And in the case of Kelly Clarkson, she wants us to give two hoots about the fact she’s never been in love. That accounts for why her love ballads sound so disingenuous then, eh?
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