For it seems that those who are fit to make claims – i.e. the British tabloids – are doing just that, in claiming that Michael Jackson has an illicit love-baby who is now a full-man.

Yes, a full-man named Omer Bhatti, who also happens to be a Norwegian rapper.

Well that’s it settled then – if he’s a Norwegian rapper he has to be Michael Jackson’s illegitimate, product-of-a-one-night-stand son.

But wait – there’s science involved too! For the non-believers out there, who do not believe this potential child of Jacko could believably be his loveproduct, incontrovertible fact has been thrown the way of the world. For you see, Omer looks a bit like everybody’s favourite terrified-looking child, Blanket.

Scientific fact in your face, right there. Say what you like about waiting for actual proof, there’s still something special about the old-fashioned “possibly looking a bit alike, maybe” approach.

According to the best newspaper in the world, The Daily Mail:

The Thriller singer reportedly told close friends several years ago that he fathered Omer after a one night stand with a Norwegian fan in 1984.

The second best newspaper in the world, The Sun, quoted Omer’s father as using these words in a few sentences:

“Yeah, yeah, I know because I was watching. I told my wife, ‘Just wait until the press see this. It’s not a small thing’… Make what you like. I don’t want to discuss anything.”

What is really shocking isn’t the fact that Michael Jackson possibly has an illicit love-child. What is shocking is the fact that Michael Jackson allegedly had full-on, proper grown-up sex with a lady, in which he probably saw her completely bare.

Wasn’t he the type to normally have his spawn created from vats of primordial goo? Adult sex seems a bit out of character for Jacko, is all.

Regardless, if Omer Bhatti is Michael Jackson’s son (who he got through proper sexing) then at least the little tyke is following in potential daddy’s footsteps in becoming the Greatest Entertainer In The World (who we haven’t heard of until today). Though we have to say it’s a bit strange he chose now to appear to the world, what with the will popping up and all…

We don’t want to say it – we have to.

Bhatti is reportedly seeking a DNA test as we speak, so this should be over sooner rather than later.

There will be no more delightful Disney movies starring a girl with an awful lot of lesbian curiosity, there will be no more second-rate reality shows starring a mother with an awful lot of child-acting curiosity – and perhaps worst of all, a lot less to blog about.

All will be a memory.

But fear not – for there is one who could save us! It's another Lohan – a secret Lohan – conceived one night when a horny and separated Michael Lohan claims to have boned some old lady out of her head, but not in those words. Now this woman claims a child as a byproduct – and he thinks she might be telling the truth.

Michael Lohan's gentleman-juice is both potent and good. Not only can they navigate through ovarian tubes like a stereotypical Chinaman through a rice field, but once they reach the egg they know exactly what to do – they romance it.

Then, after several weeks of bringing flowers and lifting tiny boom-boxes way up over their little sperm-heads – they get in there and start drilling. This, dear reader, is where a Lohan comes from.

A Lohan, like say, this secret one that's just been revealed. The Male half of the parent-ish Lohans claims that about twelve years ago he was separated from his now ex-wife. He met a very lonely homeless woman who wanted a baby so bad she didn't even care if the father was a 'house-y.' Since Michael is the ultimate Samaritan he obliged her with seed, taking only the sweet smile and gratitude as a one-time payment.

All of that was heavily summarized and built upon. Except the separated-12-years ago-and-made-sweet-love-to-some-lady part.

In Michael Lohan's own words:

"Years later she contacted me convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child. My lawyers will sort this out."

No mention has yet been made of any DNA testing. No need, really. The kid was born with a Disney contract in its hand and the number of a chain-smoking short-haired homosexual in it's tiny little speed dial.

It's his all right.

Because, without an illegitimate love child there'll be nobody around to contest our will and heap even more emotional suffering on our already distraught loved ones. And that's as big a part of death as toe-tags and scratching on the inside of your coffin at your own funeral.

Luckily though, Heath Ledger was ready for death because if reports are to be believed, Heath Ledger fathered an illegitimate love child when he was 17. Now, finally, perhaps people can start gracelessly squabbling over Heath's estate in a way that's uncomfortable to watch. About time too, if you ask us.

The sense of shock felt when Heath Ledger died earlier this year resonates even now. But, as is only natural, the shock has evolved and adapted over time. Now the gut-punch that accompanied initial reports of Heath Ledger's death have been replaced with a range of more nuanced reactions.

Yes, there's anger that a young man with such a bright future was snatched away from us in his prime. There's also possibly hyperbolic praise of Heath's work – his turn as The Joker in The Dark Knight will be one of the most praised of the year regardless of the actual quality.

And then, of course, there's greed. Pure, flat-out frothing-at-the-mouth greed. That's an important one.

The potential for things to go severely wrong reared its head a fortnight ago when it transpired that Heath Ledger's daughter wasn't in his will because he wrote it prior to his relationship with Michelle Williams. However, that was all put right when Heath's family promised to look after Matilda and Michelle. Snafu averted.

Or at least it would have been averted if only Heath Ledger had remembered to keep it in his pants when he was a schoolboy. Because now there's apparently a Heath Ledger love child running around with an eye on half of Matilda's inheritance. Metro reports:

Ledger had an affair with a 25-year-old woman when he was a 17-year-old schoolboy, according to reports by Sydney's Daily Telegraph newspaper. The woman was living with another man at the time of the alleged affair. Ledger's uncle, Hadyn Ledger said: "There is a very real possibility that Heath was the father." Another family source said: "She had the baby. Everyone lived under the assumption that she was the daughter of the mother's boyfriend and that is how she has been brought up."

Let's not forget that some quarters of Heath Ledger's family are still angry about the way that Heath Ledger's father dealt with his own father's inheritance, so this love child story could simply be an invention designed to sully reputations and anger other family members.

If it's true, though, and Heath Ledger did have an illegitimate daughter then the child could be entitled to a large slice of his inheritance. And as we all know, there's only one way to determine a the paternity of a child. It's thought that Maury's being airlifted to Australia now for this very purpose. Well, either that or one of Heath Ledger's relatives is a secret transsexual who wants to surprise their boyfriend. Maury's good for both.

Read more:

Did Heath father a secret love child? – Metro