Arnold Schwarzenegger got caught with his pants down. Hardly surprising really seeing as his pants have been down for over a decade after it was discovered that he’d sired some kid with his housekeeper and kept it a massive, stinky secret.

Of course, when his wife found out, she didn’t hesitate in wanting him out of the house and set about divorcing him for lots of money.

While the divorce goes through, you’d think that Arnie would be showing a little humility and remorse. But he isn’t. Instead, as pictures below show, he’s more interested in slagging off Maria Shriver with a t-shirt slogan. That’s nice isn’t it?

Arnie stepped out in a t-shirt that reads:

“I survived Maria”

Survived her by cheating on her it seems. On the back of the grotty article, it read ’2007-2010′, only with the 2007 crossed out and replaced by “1977.”

1977 is not only a terrible album by Ash, but it also marks the year that Arnie started dating Shriver before she became his wife of 25 years.

Next, he’ll be wearing a tee that says “I didn’t use a condom with Mildred “Patty” Baena and all I got was this lousy lovechild’.

Mark our words.

Doesn't he look old?

Weirder still is that Schwarzenegger’s shirt was given to him by his staff from when he was Governor of Cuckooland.

Nice to see that Arnie is taking all this very seriously, especially given that his child is currently fucked after a very serious surfing accident.

Idiot

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Rumours of being a little bit gropey, a secret love baby with the house maid, a Republican and a man who didn’t want to give his wife any divorce money. Yep. Arnold Schwarzenegger has been a prize bell-end over the years, especially so in recent months.

It’s concerning the divorce pennies that has seen Arnie looking his most callous. Basically, in America, you say sorry with either rehab or money. Seeing as the actor’s soon-to-be-ex wife, Maria Shriver, isn’t interested in reconciliation, it’s cash she wants. And for him to then go far, far away until he’s just a speck on the horizon.

However, it seems that Arnold may have had a thought that he may actually have something to say sorry for.

After deciding that a perfectly innocent woman didn’t deserve any financial apology, it appears that Schwarzenegger has had a change of heart by amending the divorce filing and withdrawn a request that a judge terminate Maria Shriver’s rights to spousal support.

See! He does have feelings! And there was us thinking that, if you dug through his ribcage, you’d simply find the robot Terminator head in place of a heart.

Basically, he’s realised how enormously wealthy he is and that he’s more than able… and now willing… to pay Shriver’s attorney’s fees and that he’ll probably sort her out with some cash when this is all done so she can look after the kids.

But not the one he had with the maid. He can piss off.

This suddenly human emotion may well have come about after Shriver and Arnie’s 13-year-old son was hospitalized after a rather horrible body-boarding accident which left him with a collapsed lung.

So well done to that clumsy child. Your terrible surfing ability has drawn blood from the stone that lies in place of Arnold’s emotions.

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Caught with his trousers well and truly ’round his ankles, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been in the doghouse for a while now. After keeping a child of his secret, which he had with the maid, you’d assume that he would re-emerge more graceful and humble.

However, subtlety isn’t one of Arnie’s strong points, as his consistently hilarious acting career has pointed out time and time again.

Of course, The Terminator is going through a rather sticky divorce, and he’s already playing hardball. Basically, he’s decided that he doesn’t want to pay his beleaguered soon-to-be-ex wife, Maria Shriver, any spousal support. That’s nice of him isn’t, baring in mind that this situation is entirely his fault.

As well as having sex with the maid, Arnie has a bit of a reputation for being a bit ‘handsy’ when it comes to the ladies (he’s rumoured to be something of an ass worshipper, although we can’t confirm if he has a giant pair of golden buttocks as a shrine in his house… but he probably has) so this news wasn’t exactly shocking.

That said, this child, who he kept secret for a decade, hasn’t exactly made a good impression on a world who already thought he had a rather questionable reputation.

It goes without saying that, should Arnold stick his heels in over spousal support, he can expect to be coughing up an extremely large amount of pennies in an out-of-court settlement.

Thoughtfully, some source will eventually come forward and tell us how much money it takes to make Maria Shriver think that Schwarzenegger is sufficiently sorry.

In Hollywood, remorse is measure in dollars.

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While Arnold Schwarzenegger sits in an unlit room, weeping over a photograph of the family he tore to pieces like a baddie in a blockbuster, we’ve all been wondering what the fresh hell Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena has to say about her secret love-child with the former governor of California.

She’s been showing a rare, dignified silence whilst working out who was going to pay her the most money to talk about the time Arnie forgot to pop a condom on.

And now, Schwarzenegger’s former housekeeper has decided to speak up about it all, noting that she only told her son who daddy was about a year ago, which is nice isn’t it?

So, Patty Baena has been keeping something of a low profile since a tabloid feeding pool went nutso about Arnie’s infidelity. It seems everyone has had something to say about it while she sat gawping at her son, muttering ‘Jesus. He really does look like him these days. The poor sod.’

All the while, Arnold’s marriage, a quarter of a century long, imploded with his wife Maria Shriver, feeling stupid for ever trusting him in the first place.

In an interview published by Howdy! magazine, Baena said that, when she told him who his real father was, he simply said:

“Cool!”

We assume he then ran to his room, told all his mates from school and then realised that his identity crisis was about to engulf him and tap into great reserves of melancholy, which could easily be fixed by huge sums of money from a certain star of Terminator.

Patty wasn’t actually sure that Arnie was the father, but she started to see a resemblance as Joseph grew older.

“It became more apparent as time went on. I knew Arnold was the father, and maybe as Joseph got older and began to look like him, he (Arnold) wondered. But he never said anything to me.”

Of course he didn’t. He’s a cowardly piss of a man. Still, at least Maria Shriver was a little stronger. See, Patty says that Maria had her suspicions and decided to ask Baena point-blank. When she heard the truth…

“She cried with me and told me to get off my knees. We held each other and I told her it wasn’t Arnie’s fault, that it takes two.”

Well, it is fair to assume that Arnold can take at least half of the blame, unless Baena… y’know? Let’s not go there, right. That’d be a scoop though, eh? Schwarzenegger raped by feeble housekeeper would be an astonishing headline.

Oh well. That’s what we could’ve won.

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Isn’t it funny that actors get so uppity when they’re caught with their pants down? They usually howl that mistresses are telling stories for little more than financial gain. Ironic given that is exactly what actors do for a living. As such, we shouldn’t be surprised when it transpires they’ve been hoodwinking us with a lie.

Of course, this is all revolving around Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wandering member. Make your own Sperminator jokes.

However, because we’re all cooing and hooting at this sorry tale, apparently it makes us all rather racist. Is it because we constantly mention Arnie’s funny talking voice? Nope. It’s because we’re only interested in the story because he had sex with a Hispanic woman.

That’s right folks! You thought you were interested in all this because Arnold had managed to keep a love-child secret for well over a decade, humiliating his wife and making even more of a mockery of his political career as Governor of California. You thought you were showing such interest because he really couldn’t stand the thought of wearing a condom while ravaging his maid.

You’re wrong. Says who?

Says Mildred “Patty” Baena’s 27-year-old daughter, Jackie Rozo, that’s who. And no, before you ask, Arnie isn’t her father. Well, not that we know of yet.

She reckons that Arnie and Patty’s relationship is:

“just a big thing because she’s Hispanic, and he’s a celebrity.”

Really? Have you been sniffing aerosols Jackie? Don’t you understand that this would be an equally big noise if the woman in question was caucasian?

Although, in fairness, the fact that Baena is Hispanic does make for an amusing take on the Arnold catchphrase of “Hasta la vista, baby.” If you didn’t know, that means ‘See you later, baby’, which he truly did… and how!

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is not having a good week. Sure, he’s getting loads of press, but alas, everyone thinks he’s a massive, callous, sneaky, lying weapon… as opposed to a bumbling, funny-talking, lovable weapon.

And now he’s upset a man who can’t speak English properly.

That’s right, the ex-husband of the Mildred Baena, who Arnie successfully impregnated, was under the assumption that he was the father of the child – but now he thinks about it, was surprised it spoke in an Austrian accent and was able to lift up the coffee table with one hand when only 6 weeks old.

Rogelia Baena thought the now 13-year-old boy he raised with Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena was his and he’s even listed as the father on the birth certificate. Having seen Mildred’s face, you can’t blame Rogelia for not suspecting that she might have had sex with the incredibly wealthy Arnie.

He told US show Entertainment Tonight about how angry he felt when he discovered that the boy wasn’t his, but rather, the seed of The Terminator.

Speaking in broken English, he said:

‘No believe.’

Shame on you for tittering at a man who can’t be bothered to learn our stupid, illogical language properly.

Mildred filed for divorce from Rogelia in 2008, who hasn’t seen the boy in a year, but insisted:

‘That is my son.’

He added:

‘Arnold Schwarzenegger is, for me … was my hero. Now, I feel betrayed.’

All this time, it appears that Patty didn’t tell her family who the kid’s real dad was and that they heard about it all when it broke in the news. Oof!

A Pena family source notes that they’re sympathetic with regards to Arnie’s soon-to-be ex, Maria Shriver:

‘Maria would always make sure to help us, even with little things, gifts, Christmas stuff, things like that, and now we end up making her go through this crap because of Patty. It’s not cool.

‘The family is not happy with Patty right now because she never told us or warned us and now we have to deal with all this attention.’

Mercifully, all this horrible trauma will be forgotten by we – the public – in no time at all, meaning we can get on with our lives while everyone involved directly has horrible, gut-wrenching feelings for years to come.

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Hey! Arnold Schwarzenegger! Has your regret and sorrow turned into anger? Are you now pacing around your luxury stud-pad in your luminous thong, gritting your teeth and wondering who leaked the story on you? Political enemies? Movie producers you’ve crossed in the past?

Looking for a conspiracy theory to help aid your feeling that someone has it in for you, trying to damage your good reputation?

Well, unlucky. See, the person who had it in for you is the woman you scorned. That’s right. If you want to know who told the world about your illicit affair with a maid and resulting child, then look no further than Maria Shriver – the wife you managed to upset to the point where she wanted to bury you up to your own neck in your own shit. Right? It’s a hoot isn’t it?!

That’s right Arnie! It isn’t exactly surprising that your love-child story was leaked to the press (that’s us, and yes, we’re massively snarky and gigantic hypocrites! It’s hilarious isn’t it?) by your soon-to-be ex-wife’s people. That’s the sooon-to-be ex-wife who could well be $20million richer soon.

That’s what happens when you make a person that angry. They’ll try and destroy you all by themselves.

This report comes from TMZ who got some new information from sources connected to Shriver. Apparently, she was ‘hysterical’ when she found out about your dalliance with Mildred Patty Baena and the resulting child.

She was so furious with you Arnold that she actually wanted to hold a news conference about it all. Imagine that! You have to admit, it would have made great television.

You can thank Maria’s friends for convincing her that this might not be the best plan of action, so everyone went about leaking it to the L.A. Times instead.

Oh well, at least you have those new Terminator films to look forward to, eh?

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It would be nice to think that, somewhere in the world, Arnold Schwarzenegger is taking a long hard look at himself and thinking about how he’s been a bad man who should perhaps change his ways. Alas, if he is actually looking at himself in the mirror, he’s probably masturbating.

And while Arnie grunts at himself with the tissues at the ready, everyone is pointing at him and wondering what the fallout of his wandering penis might be after he admitted to siring a love child with a self-loathing housekeeper.

It appears that Arnie’s wife, Maria Shriver, isn’t mucking about and has gone straight to ace celebrity lawyer, Laura Wasser, who is especially good at making people fart coins.

Reports suggest that there’s $400million to play with and, naturally, Maria wants to make Arnie pay for his rampant seed. Now, its thought that there was a pre-nup in place, however, this will invariably get lobbed toward the shredder as three mistresses have come forward. And counting.

With that, Arnold could be looking at signing over a rather handsome $200million from the Conan The Barbarian star.

And if you believe Jane Seymour, the whole thing is about to become a lot stickier. She’s said that she’s aware of more children that the former California governor has had.

Seymour told CNN:

“I was not even remotely surprised. The moment I heard it, that there was an announcement of their separation — he was obviously jumping the gun before everyone else told the world of the news.”

“I heard about two more [out of wedlock kids] somebody else knows about.”

And a stranger angle in this sorry debacle is how Mildred Patricia Baena – that’s the maid at the centre of all this spunky storm – was apparently a self-loathing Hispanic. It has been reported that she was rather fond of trash-talking the Hispanic community. Yes. She happens to be Hispanic herself.

Sources who worked with Baena have told  TMZ:

“she was a “self-hating woman” who would tell members of the staff that “white people were better” and she did whatever she could to become friendly with Caucasians… most of Baena’s peers disliked her because she was a social climber, adding, “She felt like she was better than the rest of us”

So there you have it. More children to come out of the woodwork shouting “DADDY!” and a woman who hates herself. Marvellous. In fact, better than ‘DADDY!’ would be…

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Arnold ‘Gropey McGroperson’ Schwarzenegger has decided that it might be best if he kept a low profile for a while and has delayed all future film projects. Luckily for you, that means he won’t be making a new Terminator film or showing off his withered, penis shaped pectoral muscles.

This is because Arnie, who talks funny, is going to be “focusing on personal matters”, according to a statement.

And this is all because Schwarzenegger couldn’t resist having sex with one of his staff without a prophylactic covering his wrinkled piece. That’s right. Even though he had a seemingly cool and obviously attractive wife, he figured he’d father a secret child with a maid and then keep it all a secret while playing at being a politician.

It goes without saying that he’s been dumped by his wife, Maria Shriver.

The full statement said:

“Governor Schwarzenegger is focusing on personal matters and is not willing to commit to any production schedules or timelines. This includes Cry Macho, the Terminator franchise and other projects under consideration. We will resume discussions when Governor Schwarzenegger decides.”

Get that? Cry Macho sounds hilarious! Hopefully, it will see the light of day and be 90 minutes of nothing but Arnie crying his eyes out thinking about all the terrible things he’s done.

Remember, Arnold has a funny voice so we assume that he’s a riot when he’s bawling.

So, anyway, everything seems to be going the way of the pear for Schwarzenegger, and because we don’t know him personally, we can all have a good laugh at the general misfortune.

The way his week’s going, he might get mowed down by a bus or something, which will make all this cruel prodding seem a bit crass.

Oh well.

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You know how Arnold Schwarzenegger likes groping women without asking them if its okay (allegedly, allegedly) and thumbing his steroid withered member into house staff until they get pregnant with his child? Well, surely he couldn’t be any more crass?

Wrong. This is Arnie we’re talking about here. He can plumb new levels of fistinmouthery.

See, this love-child he had (ha! Like there was any love involved in the baby-making process) was kept secret for years, unbeknownst to his poor, poor wife. And now it transpires that his wife met the child! How? Because Arnie took her to a party where the child was. A party he’d spent a lot of money on. Money he could’ve spent on condoms.

That’s right folks! Considerate Arnold bankrolled a swank coming-of-age birthday party for the niece of the lady he impregnated and good ol’ Arnie invited everyone! That includes his wife and kids!

The lady who Schwarzenegger got preggers, Mildred Patty Baena, has a sister called Mirian who also worked as a housekeeper for Arnold and Maria Shriver for a number of years. When Mildred’s kid turned 15, The Terminator actor agreed to pay for her Quinceañera (a common celebration among Latin Americans to mark the coming of womanhood to a young lady).

Arnold splashed out on the venue, the food, the entertainment, the decorations… even forking out for a limo service to and from the party.

Even better, is that Mildred Patty Baena and Arnie stood by and watched their children playing together, presumably leaving Baena muttering ‘So when are you going to leave her, or is this all a crock of shit?’ in Schwarzenegger’s creosoted earhole.

TMZ report that the partygoers all thought it was a bit “weird” that Arnold should foot the bill for this lavish get-together, but then, they weren’t to know that he was watching his sperm run around in front of his long-suffering wife.

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Remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger said that he hadn’t been having an affair with a woman called Gigi? Remember that? Well, while that may be true, he didn’t get around to mentioning that he did put his steroid shrivelled chap inside one of his staff.

Better yet is that good ol’ Arnie managed to do it without a condom on and then promptly watched said staffer balloon up over a period of 9 months until a baby came out.

He knew about all this while he was preaching about Prop8 and other emotive subjects, taking a moral highground, during his stint as California Governor, which is nice. It would appear that Arnie waited ’til he’d quit office to tell his wife, Maria Shriver, who promptly left him and started thinking about their relationship in terms of financial figure no doubt.

Schwarzenegger told the LA Times, who invariably couldn’t believe their luck:

“After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago.”

“I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family. There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family. I am truly sorry.

Sadly for Schwarzenegger, he’s got a really, really funny voice which ensures that any apologies – heartfelt or otherwise – sound hilarious.

Of course, this is a lovely way for Arnold to treat his wife who stood by her husband throughout is political stint, managing to grin through the constant accusations that he had a history of groping women.

Don’t remember that? There were loads of allegations of sexual misconduct from several women, six of whom spoke out about Arnold’s wandering hands. It seems that Arnie likes to paw at women’s breasts the most, with others complaining that he’d stuck his giant sausage hands up a lady’s skirt, with another saying that he tried to take off her bathing suit in an elevator without asking.

Bizarrely, Arnold even settled out-of-court with repugnant British television personality Anna Richardson (she’s responsible for bringing Gillian McKeith to our screens, alongside various hysterical ‘OUR CHILDREN ARE TURNING INTO PERVS!’ type shows) after another boob grope. That’s where she got those expensive looking teeth then?

Either way, Schwarzenegger is now a single man and free to roam the world with a mucky look in his eyes. Women, lock yourselves under the stairs now or stock up on cattle prods and stun-guns.

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News likely to shock anyone with eyes, a brain, at least an ear and possibly a face just in! Love child scandal! Fiasco! Controversy! Other shocking words to grab attention!

For it seems that those who are fit to make claims – i.e. the British tabloids – are doing just that, in claiming that Michael Jackson has an illicit love-baby who is now a full-man.

Yes, a full-man named Omer Bhatti, who also happens to be a Norwegian rapper.

Well that’s it settled then – if he’s a Norwegian rapper he has to be Michael Jackson‘s illegitimate, product-of-a-one-night-stand son.

But wait – there’s science involved too! For the non-believers out there, who do not believe this potential child of Jacko could believably be his loveproduct, incontrovertible fact has been thrown the way of the world. For you see, Omer looks a bit like everybody’s favourite terrified-looking child, Blanket.

Scientific fact in your face, right there. Say what you like about waiting for actual proof, there’s still something special about the old-fashioned “possibly looking a bit alike, maybe” approach.

According to the best newspaper in the world, The Daily Mail:

The Thriller singer reportedly told close friends several years ago that he fathered Omer after a one night stand with a Norwegian fan in 1984.

The second best newspaper in the world, The Sun, quoted Omer’s father as using these words in a few sentences:

“Yeah, yeah, I know because I was watching. I told my wife, ‘Just wait until the press see this. It’s not a small thing’… Make what you like. I don’t want to discuss anything.”

What is really shocking isn’t the fact that Michael Jackson possibly has an illicit love-child. What is shocking is the fact that Michael Jackson allegedly had full-on, proper grown-up sex with a lady, in which he probably saw her completely bare.

Wasn’t he the type to normally have his spawn created from vats of primordial goo? Adult sex seems a bit out of character for Jacko, is all.

Regardless, if Omer Bhatti is Michael Jackson‘s son (who he got through proper sexing) then at least the little tyke is following in potential daddy’s footsteps in becoming the Greatest Entertainer In The World (who we haven’t heard of until today). Though we have to say it’s a bit strange he chose now to appear to the world, what with the will popping up and all…

We don’t want to say it – we have to.

Bhatti is reportedly seeking a DNA test as we speak, so this should be over sooner rather than later.

Mark our words – there shall be a time when the kingdom of Lohan falls.

All the glory and might that now rests in their name shall be replaced with nought but dust and broken walls. What once was mighty shall be brought down

There will be no more delightful Disney movies starring a girl with an awful lot of lesbian curiosity, there will be no more second-rate reality shows starring a mother with an awful lot of child-acting curiosity – and perhaps worst of all, a lot less to blog about.

All will be a memory.

But fear not – for there is one who could save us! It's another Lohan – a secret Lohan – conceived one night when a horny and separated Michael Lohan claims to have boned some old lady out of her head, but not in those words. Now this woman claims a child as a byproduct – and he thinks she might be telling the truth.

Michael Lohan's gentleman-juice is both potent and good. Not only can they navigate through ovarian tubes like a stereotypical Chinaman through a rice field, but once they reach the egg they know exactly what to do – they romance it.

Then, after several weeks of bringing flowers and lifting tiny boom-boxes way up over their little sperm-heads – they get in there and start drilling. This, dear reader, is where a Lohan comes from.

A Lohan, like say, this secret one that's just been revealed. The Male half of the parent-ish Lohans claims that about twelve years ago he was separated from his now ex-wife. He met a very lonely homeless woman who wanted a baby so bad she didn't even care if the father was a 'house-y.' Since Michael is the ultimate Samaritan he obliged her with seed, taking only the sweet smile and gratitude as a one-time payment.

All of that was heavily summarized and built upon. Except the separated-12-years ago-and-made-sweet-love-to-some-lady part.

In Michael Lohan's own words:

"Years later she contacted me convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child. My lawyers will sort this out."

No mention has yet been made of any DNA testing. No need, really. The kid was born with a Disney contract in its hand and the number of a chain-smoking short-haired homosexual in it's tiny little speed dial.

It's his all right.

You never know when you'll die, but we have a feeling that we'll be around for a few more years thanks to our lack of  illegitimate love children.

Because, without an illegitimate love child there'll be nobody around to contest our will and heap even more emotional suffering on our already distraught loved ones. And that's as big a part of death as toe-tags and scratching on the inside of your coffin at your own funeral.

Luckily though, Heath Ledger was ready for death because if reports are to be believed, Heath Ledger fathered an illegitimate love child when he was 17. Now, finally, perhaps people can start gracelessly squabbling over Heath's estate in a way that's uncomfortable to watch. About time too, if you ask us.

The sense of shock felt when Heath Ledger died earlier this year resonates even now. But, as is only natural, the shock has evolved and adapted over time. Now the gut-punch that accompanied initial reports of Heath Ledger's death have been replaced with a range of more nuanced reactions.

Yes, there's anger that a young man with such a bright future was snatched away from us in his prime. There's also possibly hyperbolic praise of Heath's work – his turn as The Joker in The Dark Knight will be one of the most praised of the year regardless of the actual quality.

And then, of course, there's greed. Pure, flat-out frothing-at-the-mouth greed. That's an important one.

The potential for things to go severely wrong reared its head a fortnight ago when it transpired that Heath Ledger's daughter wasn't in his will because he wrote it prior to his relationship with Michelle Williams. However, that was all put right when Heath's family promised to look after Matilda and Michelle. Snafu averted.

Or at least it would have been averted if only Heath Ledger had remembered to keep it in his pants when he was a schoolboy. Because now there's apparently a Heath Ledger love child running around with an eye on half of Matilda's inheritance. Metro reports:

Ledger had an affair with a 25-year-old woman when he was a 17-year-old schoolboy, according to reports by Sydney's Daily Telegraph newspaper. The woman was living with another man at the time of the alleged affair. Ledger's uncle, Hadyn Ledger said: "There is a very real possibility that Heath was the father." Another family source said: "She had the baby. Everyone lived under the assumption that she was the daughter of the mother's boyfriend and that is how she has been brought up."

Let's not forget that some quarters of Heath Ledger's family are still angry about the way that Heath Ledger's father dealt with his own father's inheritance, so this love child story could simply be an invention designed to sully reputations and anger other family members.

If it's true, though, and Heath Ledger did have an illegitimate daughter then the child could be entitled to a large slice of his inheritance. And as we all know, there's only one way to determine a the paternity of a child. It's thought that Maury's being airlifted to Australia now for this very purpose. Well, either that or one of Heath Ledger's relatives is a secret transsexual who wants to surprise their boyfriend. Maury's good for both.

Read more:

Did Heath father a secret love child? – Metro