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Hey! America! You know that song you have that goes “Oh say can you see? By the dawn’s early light! Da-da-dum, dee-dee-dee, the actor called Rocket Redglare’s arse glows!” or whatever it is? Well, once again, it will be sung at a major sporting event where you don’t compete against anyone else in the world!
And who might be fluffing the lyrics to it at Super Bowl XLVI?!
Why, it’s the regrettably nice Kelly Clarkson who is very, very difficult to hate – unless you listen to her music.
Welcome to 2012 you losers!! Think this year is going to somehow be better for you because you made some pitiful resolutions about being less onanistic and getting a real job? Pfft. Unlikely.
We’ve been staring into the new crystal ball we got for Christmas, conversing with the stars and even dancing with tears in our eyes, just to bring you a completely accurate and poorly written insight into your miserable lives.
Ready? Hit the jump!
Master of snoozemonies (sorry) Robert Pattinson has said that he would lay down his life if it meant saving the ones he loved. The news comes as hundreds of sharpened spears were found at the home of anti-Twilight campaigner Allan Thorneyflat.
The star of Twilight and forgettable footnote in the Harry Potter series claimed during a TV interview that if it came down to it, he would know what to do prompting thousands of Twihards to question whether Pattinson’s life was really worth all that bother. Here at hecklerspray, we know the consequences of wishing death on someone and in Pattinson’s case, we really, really don’t.
Why?
When normal people have normal problems, it’s boring. However, when a famous person has normal problems, it becomes endearing. It enables us to coo “OOOH! THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!”
They’re not. They’re nothing like us. They are wealthy, bloated maggots who feed on our emotional connection to their image. They expect us to care more about their outpourings than our own.
And in the case of Kelly Clarkson, she wants us to give two hoots about the fact she’s never been in love. That accounts for why her love ballads sound so disingenuous then, eh?
Jennifer Lopez and the historically named Marc Anthony are still set to film their globe-trotting talent show together, despite announcing the end of their marriage last week and the inevitable feelings of murderous rage that come as part and parcel of any such split.
Last month it was announced that the former couple hatched a plan in their volcano lair and were to jet off on a massive global tour this summer in order to find the best Latin wannabe stars for their new TV talent show titled, oddly enough, ‘Q’viva! The Chosen’.
The original idea of the programme is thought to have been altered slightly to reflect the change in Lopez and Anthony’s marital situation.
Let’s just face facts right here and now. We’re pathetic. All of us. You reading this, us writing it and especially those that have to edit it. We all feel lonely sometimes and where some of us can just walk into a public house, identify someone they would like to engage in coitus with and then leave with them, many of us lack that ‘cutting edge’ or, as it is sometimes ominously known, killer instinct.
While we’re all sitting in the corner of those pubs looking at those people and wishing that we were them. Those people with the confidence and the sheer bravado to just say what they want, maintain eye contact and end up getting what they want.
We sit in the corner looking at the other sad, sunken faces around us, unable to even make eye contact with them. Everything has gone wrong with your life and seeing these people, able to show confidence in their lives seems to exacerbate the lack of companionship in yours.
Elizabeth Hurley and Shane Warne are one of the oddest celebrity couples around. She, a posho Daily Mail wet-dream and he, a balding slightly overweight impossibly toothed ball lobber. That said, Paul Abdul once advised that opposites attract, as she proved with her love affair with a rapping cartoon cat.
Warne, we’re told, is ‘quite the swordsman’, yet, this isn’t some tempestuous affair. Startlingly, it’s actually love. We’ve read about ‘love’. It sounds horrible.
And not only is it this ‘love’ thing, Liz Hurley is actually saying that this romance was love at first sight.
Gutted. Not long into their relationship, Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez’s relationship has ended. Alex who? Well, all you need to know is that he looks like The Rock, only if The Rock was a vagabond in the desert, living off the flesh of cactuses and the powdery bone-marrow of those which had died there.
Basically he’s like The Rock but thinner. And single. Very, very single.
Of course, this is devastating news for us all because, as you know, everyone on Earth is required to take part in the ‘Diaz Minute’, where the world is unified for one moment where we all down tools and reflect on how great she is. We sit on our special Diaz Beanbags and quietly ponder about her happiness and we hope that, in her already painfully luxurious life, she’s greedy enough to be happy in love too. She isn’t. She’s probably crying in her kitchen now, surrounded by empty cans of treacly super-strength beer.
