Stephen Gately’s Dead, So Is Dignity So much for a Boyzone reunion folks. Stephen Gately is busy working his boyish charms on St Peter while the rest of us bicker over puke, speculative evidence and an oddly-placed Bulgarian. The Majorca Press recently felt the need to suggest that Steve was smoking 'cannabis' the night before he died and 'knew that was not the cause of his death'. Now there's a strange breed of paparazzo: 'I know amigos, let's take the bastard out of the death-crouch and crucify him, never mind relevance! Por Favor! We're the Spanish Inquisition, and by the way, we're trained doctors too.'

X Factor Recap: That’s Kandy Rain Gone, Then Good news - the X Factor live finals are back! Better news - Kandy Rain were kicked off. Jesus on a stick, they were crap.

But, hey, at least X Factor is back, and keeping current, too - one week after the Strictly Come Dancing racism row, Dannii Minogue decided to kick off an X Factor homophobia row of her own. We can’t wait for Dancing On Ice to return now because, if the pattern holds, Philip Schofield might just say something horrifying about Albanians. But anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do? Let’s have a wonderful recap, shall we?

Eau de Simon Cowell: The Stench of Exploitation What's that smell? Could it be the subtle scent of talentless TV exploitation, the overwhelming fragrance of WAG or the clover-hinted odour of small-man's syndrome? Freshen up like a pointless media middleman with four new fragrances from X Factor. You're bound to get lucky if you smell like a TV talent show judge, and nothing says 'I love you' like rating your partner's performance in the sack. No, really, the X Factor judges are all getting their own perfumes. You'll be able to buy them in time for Christmas and everything.

X Factor Recap: Olly Murs And Some Other Bad Idiots Yay! Big Brother's finished! Yay! That means we can talk about X Factor now! Yay! Until Christmas! Yay! Or until we take our own lives! YAY! Now, X Factor is still in that awful, unnecessarily long early audition part where people turn up, sing in a hilariously bad way and then go home to develop lifelong violent revenge fixations on Louis Walsh. These episodes barely warrant recaps, to be honest, but how else could we spend our time? Seeing friends? Going outside? Pah. So here are the X Factor contestants from Saturday who caught our eye - Olly Murs, Demi Cullum and Carla Schettini...

The X Factor Judges Are All Basically Children The live X Factor finals start tomorrow, which we're giddy about because it means we get to watch the exact same thing every week until we want to die. However, there's just one little thing that could derail the entire show, and that's that the X Factor judges are being great big babies. According to reports, X Factor judges Louis Walsh, Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole are all fighting because some of them don't want to sit next to other judges and one of them has a slightly bigger dressing room than the rest. What's more, Cheryl Cole doesn't like Louis Walsh because he's got BO, and Louis Walsh doesn't like Dannii Minogue because she keeps her lunch inside an ice cream tub instead of a real lunchbox like he does, and Dannii Minogue heard Carly Robinson from 7F tell her best friend's cousin that Cheryl Cole had nits and was a lesbian IDST.