Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
Angelina Jolie, Octomom and every other woman in Hollywood with children can breathe a sigh of relief. We’re all obsessed with Sandra Bullock’s adopted baby son, Louis Bardo Bullock. Apparently.
At least that’s what we’ve just read in People magazine – so we’re assuming it’s true. After all these years, working long hours and such, we just can’t stomach thinking for ourselves any more. We’re happy to let unpaid teenage underlings at People do our thinking for us.
Sandra Bullock’s adoption of little Louis Bullock has raised several questions, but one stands out above all others.
Louis Bullock? She could choose any name and she picked Louis Bullock? What sort of catastrophic short-term thinking is that? The only way she could have called her baby something more awkward than Louis Bullock is if she made up a name of her own for him, like Nullock Bullock or Bullbullbullbull Bullock. That’s the big question here – why does Sandra Bullock suck at naming children so much?
Oh, and also how has Sandra Bullock managed to keep her adoption secret for so long? Well, the truth is that she hasn’t. Look back at Sandra Bullock’s Oscars speech, or her Golden Globes speech, or any of her recent chat show appearances, and you’ll see that she wouldn’t shut up about it. She’s a master of deception. And giving babies crap names. Obviously.
Since her spectacular marital disintegration, Sandra Bullock has longed for one thing above all else.
A load of tattoos. Oh, and somebody to love. Somebody who’ll love Sandra Bullock no matter what. Someone who’ll never throw on a Nazi hat and have 11 months of illicit sex with a woman who’s got a selection of bland Little Book Of Calm platitudes permanently inked across her forehead. Somebody who’ll appreciate her. Someone who will never let her down. Someone who she can smother and mollycoddle and fuss over in a generally overcompensatory way, even though at times it’ll make them fantasise about running away because they feel as if they’re trapped in an emotional straitjacket.
So we should say hello to little Louis Bullock, a baby from New Orleans who Sandra Bullock has adopted as her very own. From now on, he’s all the man she’ll ever need. Wait, that sounded disgusting.
