lou ferrigno - HecklerSpray

Michael Jackson Was A Bit Of A Pranker

November 21st, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Over the last few years, stories regarding Michael Jackson have all focused on one specific issue. That's right, his demise from this world and descent into a tacky gold coffin that's buried deep underground so nutjob fans can't rub their genitals across it.

More recent events have led to the climax of Jackson?s life where the whole world got to hear what drugs were given to him via ?Sexy? Dr. Conrad Murray. Ever since the incident on the set of a Pepsi commercial where the former king of pop’s head resembled a stinky sparkler, Michael supposedly downed pills like Smarties.

We?d like to distance ourselves from the recent courtroom drama featuring the only decent member of The Jackson Five. Instead, we want to relive some of the more memorable moments from his lifetime when he was alive, full of life and generally not being beaten by Poppa Joe.

Johnny Depp And Other White Men Favourites To Play Michael Jackson In Biopic (Features Amazing Eddie Murphy Video)

November 17th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Finding a man to play Michael Jackson in a biopic is no easy task. Listen, LaToya Jackson is surely not in the picture, despite being MJ’s reanimated corpse. Think about it. You need someone who vaguely looks like the former King of Pop.

Naturally, what with Michael going from handsome black man to Roswell white man, there’s not many people who are up to the task, unless someone creates some ET/human/chameleon hybrid.

However, seeing as a Michael Jackson biopic is in the pipeline, there’s actors being touted to guzzle Propofol like UHT milk. And oddly, most of them are white.

Michael Jackson’s Deathbed, No Longer For Sale, Spoiling All Your Masturbatory Needs

November 16th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Deathbed for sale. What a peculiar notion. That said, it has a lovely ring to it. It almost sounds like an Agatha Christie thriller. Either way, Michael Jackson’s deathbed was up for auction so that his mental fans could buy it and have sex with themselves in it.

That’s because they’re hugely lonely and there’s no room for another face in the mirror because Mad Jackson fans are too enveloped by the aura of Jackson himself.

Anyway, the deathbed has been pulled from auction because some bright spark realised that it might be a little distasteful selling a giant bed filled with celebrity corpse goo. Shame. We hoped a mad-scientist would buy it and try cloning an army of Michael Jacksons.

Even Michael Jackson’s Ghost Can’t Catch A Break When It Comes To Employing People (MJ Tribute Goes Bust!)

November 14th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Remember Michael Jackson’s amazing tribute event in Cardiff where people bought overpriced tickets to watch Alien Ant Farm, 3T, JLS and LaToya Jackson (aka Michael’s animated corpse) prance around on MJ’s grave?

Of course, most of the Jackson family thought the tribute was in terrible taste, what with it taking place in the middle of Conrad Murray’s trial.

The whole thing was beset with controversy, even to the point where absolutely insane Michael Jackson fans boycotted the whole thing, calling it a scam. Well, maybe those lunatics were onto something because Global Events – the people who put the show on – have now gone into administration leaving everyone who worked on the show unpaid for their work. HURRAY FOR MICHAEL JACKSON’S LEGACY!

David Gest Makes Michael Jackson Film (Will Anyone Mention Plastic Surgery?)

November 3rd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Ever looked at David Gest and wondered if he keeps his face in position with a large bulldog clip like Kent Brockman from The Simpsons? If so, when he takes it off, does his head look like a hot scrotum?

Either way, Gest seems like a decent enough bloke for someone who has been ravaged by the entertainment industry and mental enough to marry Liza Minnelli while she was in her Aged Alcoholic role (according to Gest himself at least).

And now that the reality TV shows have dried up, Gest thought it would be a good idea to make a film about Michael Jackson, a man who shared the same plastic surgeon with David… which explains why they both look so very, very odd.

Michael Jackson Jokes Banned On Janet Jackson?s Tour, Freedom Of Speech In Turmoil

October 18th, 2011 By Matthew Laidlow

Towards the end of his dog-eared career, Michael Jackson began to resemble an eerie looking clown who’s wax face was tarnishing in a mild midday heat. See, we can say that because that's our opinion. But if you go to a concert by not-so-important Jackson sibling Janet, that right will be taken from you.

Due to popular media such as Twitter and Facebook, a group of Pete Doherty poetry loving twerps can use the power of the internet to raise their voice and stick it to the man. Yer! Peace for all and freedom for those in Tibet ? all planned over a sweatshop produced laptop whilst sipping on a Grande Latte with cinnamon swirls, lemon shots and organic camel milk.

But if you dare comment on Michael Jackson having a wonky nose at a Janet Jackson gig you may face the wrath of Joe Jackson who?ll chase you with his famous beating belt. Or as he called it, the ?dancing encourager.? But why would Janet Jackson stop us from voicing our opinion? Surely it has nothing to do with the ongoing trial of ?Sexy? Dr. Conrad Murray? Oh.

Michael Jackson Fans Now Thoroughly Bored Of Conrad Murray Trial

October 17th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The trial of Michael Jackson’s personal physician – ‘Sexy’ Dr Conrad Murray – will enter a new phase this week: The thoroughly tedious, no-one cares anymore phase. There are rumours which suggest that even Jackson’s own family are beyond caring.

The doctor’s attorneys trying to counter three weeks of testimony, attempting to show that Jacko caused his own death.

Sadly, fans of the former King of Pop and relations are utterly bored by the whole thing and are now wishing they’d never shown any interest in the first place.

Michael Jackson: “A Bit Of An Alien”

October 13th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Michael Jackson looked funny. It doesn’t matter if you love his music or happen to be a blinkered, crazed fan – there’s no hiding from the fact that his face was downright odd. So odd, it could curdle water.

Ever seen anyone else with a nose like his? No. La Toya Jackson does not count as she looks a bit Roswell too.

Speaking of which, Rashida Jones – the daughter of music producer Quincy Jones – has revealed that she thinks that Michael Jackson was a ”bit of an alien” to most people.

Conrad Murray Points At Dr Klein And Winks At The Jury In Michael Jackson Manslaughter Gubbins

October 11th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Dr Conrad Murray is more than just a doctor. If the Michael Jackson manslaughter trail has taught us anything, it’s that Murray is quite the swordsman, with a troupe of dancing mistresses being paraded before the world.

He should be pleased AND point out that they were all of legal and consenting age.

Which brings us to Michael Jackson who, as we know, liked to tuck children into their beds and totally not have sex with them. Either way, he’s utterly dead now, and Conrad Murray is getting blamed for it. And Sexy Conrad is not going out without a fight. In fact, he’s blaming someone else entirely! ATTABOY!

Black Eyed Peas Now Running Away From Michael Jackson Tribute As Fast As Their Little Legs Will Go

October 5th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Haw, poor Michael Forever. The beleaguered tribute show to Michael Jackson is about as useful as a teapot made from Rizla. Basically, half the family hate it, the other half performing at it, joined by a cast of also-rans and nobodies.

And now, someone you will have heard of – the Black Eyed Peas – have cancelled their scheduled appearance at this weekend’s concert at Cardiff’s Millennium Stadium due to “unavoidable circumstances”.

Those ‘circumstances’ seem to be a realisation that this is going to be the worst gig in the history of performing arts. Yes, that includes BEP’s Super Bowl halftime show.