9 - Pretty much the last way anyone would want to discover about their wife’s affair – News

8 - A recipe for bread written by a genius – Domesticsluttery

7 - Oh, people at the White House are hilarious – YouTube.

6 - 10 deeply unfunny comedians - Chicagotribune

5 - To commemorate the last episode of Lost making us all like “Whaa?” and “But THAT means…” here’s a list of the best season finales ever - PopEater

4 - How to make your Mac less of a piece of crap – Lifehacker

3 - Want to make a pie in a jar? OK! - Instructables

2 – More Lost stuff. look, we like Lost, OK? – Toplessrobot

1 - Remember that Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus film we were telling you about the other day? Here’s the trailer. Want…

But no actor is safe on Lost. Just look at what the show did to Charlie. Or Mr Eko. Or that moany bloke who blew himself up with dynamite. Any Lost character can bite it at any point – and recently there’s been speculation about Evangeline Lilly getting the chop soon.

But relax, because Evangeline Lilly’s rep has denied everything, hinting that she’ll stay on Lost until the last episode, when the smoke monster will kill her. Oh, spoiler alert.

As Lost gets progressively sillier and sillier with each new episode – oh, there’s Jin in the past! Oh, Locke’s resurrected himself! Oh, Jim Robinson from Neighbours seems to be the baddie now! – Evangeline Lilly’s role has never been so important.

Because, regardless of how brain-crampingly intellectual Lost gets, it’s a safe bet that every six weeks or so we’ll get an episode about Evangeline Lilly whining and looking a bit arsey and getting off with Jack or Sawyer or Anonymous Policeman Husband Number One or Ben. Oh, spoiler alert. Anyway, Evangeline Lilly’s episodes always ground Lost when it threatens to get all out of hand.

Which is why it was so weird that reports started emerging yesterday stating that Lost was going to kill off Evangeline Lilly and that she was already looking for other work. Zap2it reported:

Rumor has it, Kate might not live “ever after” at all.  Solid sources tell me exclusively that Evangeline Lilly is auditioning for pilots … pilots that are intended to launch this fall. And Ms. Lilly’s people apparently told producers she will be available. Say wha–??

Now, obviously it’d be a gigantic shock if Lost killed off Evangeline Lilly before the final episode next year. Although, having said that, we’ve already compiled our top three favourite ways that we’d like to see Evangeline Lilly leave Lost:

1 - Kate realises that her mother is Sabrina The Teenage Witch’s aunt and realises her destiny lies not in enigmatic time-travelling mysteries, but having a best friend who’s a sarcastic animatronic cat and pretending to be a schoolgirl until she’s obviously in her mid-forties.

2 - Kate kills herself when Jack and Sawyer, sick of her constantly playing with their emotions, gay up and deliberately bum each other in front of her.

3 - Kate has it off with so many men that she develops a severe case of bacterial vaginosis and she’s clubbed over the head by Richard Alpert because it stinks so much.

However, it looks like those three options will have to remain firmly in the realm of disturbing internet fan fiction, because Evangeline Lilly’s rep has issued a statement claiming that any rumours of her leaving Lost before it finishes have no validity whatsoever.

So it looks like Evangeline Lilly will remain a part of Lost right up until the end, then. Unless, you know, someone spikes her juice with vodka and she gets arrested for DUI. Because if she does that she’ll definitely be killed straight away just like Mr Eko and Michelle Rodriguez and that other one. Oh, spoiler alert.

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9 - Animals on drugs – Cracked

8 - The Muppets: a history lesson – CNN

7 - A man gets needlessly worked up about how your carton of orange juice looks – Johnmamus

6 - We picked a David After Dentist parody at random. And here it is – YouTube

5 - A dreadful man releases a dreadful record - Popjustice

4 - Five ways that your mother can ruin your life – Regretfulmorning

3 - Confused by all the time travel on Lost? Well, read this. It’ll make it worse – io9

2 - An Oscar-style obituary for the soft drinks that are no longer with us – Gunaxin

1 – The greatest Japanese cat-based music video EVER - I Am Bored

Now we take a look at the fantastically mind-bending Lost and its best moments as it flashes back onto our screens this weekend with the start of series 5.

Oh, and for God’s sake stop asking about the stupid polar bears!

10: S2E14 One of Them

Sayid beats up Henry (Ben), while Locke and Jack argue outside… but the clock is ticking.

Push comes to shove with Jack and Locke, as Sayid is torturing Ben (or Henry Gale as we then knew him), while Jack demands it to stop. Locke refuses to let him into the safe to end things but as the numbers count down the tension rises. To finish of this great scene is some great acting by Michael Emerson as the safe door closes. He stares at Sayid after receiving the beating of a lifetime looking like the victor.

9: S03E08 Flashes Before Your Eyes

Desmond turns the failsafe key in the Hatch and is transported back in time.

This episode stands out as one of Lost’s best. It was so unpredictable and enjoyable as Desmond wakes up after the Hatch detonation in the past. This cemented Desmond as one of the show’s best characters.

8: S04E09 The Shape of Things to Come

Ben hides in his house as mercenaries hold his daughter outside at gunpoint.

Benjamin Linus; You bug-eyed bastard! Not one to give in, he insists on negotiating with the mercenary currently holding a gun to his daughter’s head. Declaring that he doesn’t care about her, she gets a swift bullet to the noggin. A great scene, we see Ben’s whole world crumbling around him with just one look on his face.

7: S01E19 Deus Ex Machina

Screaming into the Hatch, Locke has lost faith until a light shines from the mysterious window.

This scene at the time was one filled with so much mystery and intrigue. Now we know what caused it, it takes away the initial wonderment of the situation. Never the less, this scene remains powerful and shows that when we lose all hope sometimes all that remains is faith. It was striking visual imagery and plays perfectly against the music score.

6: S01E01 Pilot

Jack wakes up in the jungle and stumbles onto the beach and into rescue mode in the midst of the crash site.

The crash site scene stands out as the most exciting opening to any television series we have ever seen. In fact we would say it was the most exciting opening to anything we have ever scene. So much happens and it is a great introduction to the cast and characters. It shows you everybody’s characteristics – Jack having to save everyone, Michael whining about Walt, Jin being overprotective of Sun, Boone trying to help but being rubbish, Locke guiding people, Claire being helped by others and Shannon being a useless dick.

5: S02E20 Two For The Road

Michael returns from the Others’ camp and shoots both Ana Lucia and Libby.

This scene was the most unexpected twist in series 2. Michael is such a tragic character and it’s understandable why he did this (Although now we know what he got asked to do we are sure he could have thought of a better way). Still, the shock of Ana Lucia and Libby’s shootings was then multiplied when Michael shot himself!

4: S02E23 Live Together, Die Alone

Locke and Desmond let the clock count down in the Hatch.

The last part of the Season 2 finale was epic. Not only did we get the Hatch implosion but it was again the emotional story of Desmond that helped give the proceedings impact. We don’t care if the electromagnet stuff doesn’t make sense, it’s just so cool when the sky turns purple.

3: S03E19 The Brig

Sawyer finally comes face to face with the man responsible for his parents’ death – Locke’s dad!

This was a great wrapping-up of a character arc between Sawyer and Locke’s dad (Anthony Cooper). Sawyer finally confronting the person responsible for his parents’ death was a wonderfully acted and written scene. It showed us that Lost isn’t all about the sci-fi and Sawyer isn’t all about being shirtless for the ladies.

2: S03E22 Through The Looking Glass

Jack’s flashback finale episode is revealed to be a post-Island flash-forward!

This was another great plot twist for Lost. Throughout the finale flashback of season 3 we, like many of you, probably thought it was going nowhere and was just another flashback involving Jack moaning and being bitter about his ex-wife again (yawn). Then comes Kate at the end and it just sends your brain into a scramble until you get those fantastic last lines “We weren’t meant to leave! We have to go back Kate! We have to go back!” Growing a beard out of depression never seemed so appealing.

1: S01E04 Walkabout

After Locke gets rejected before a Walkabout holiday, it’s revealed he was in a wheelchair before he crashed on the Island.

Poor, poor Locke. After being dumped by his girlfriend and having his kidney stolen by his dad, he’s working at a lame box company and is a bit of a cripple. His only light at the end of the tunnel is the outback holiday in Australia and he gets told to go home when he gets there.

This scene is our number one because it encompasses everything that makes Lost so great;

First – there is the reveal of Locke in the wheelchair; probably Lost’s first big twist.

Second – we have the mystery aspect; how did he get paralysed in the first place, and how he is able to walk now?

Lastly – it is superbly written and acted. The scene is so powerful and moving that it tells us everything about John Locke in just a few moments.

This was when we realised we were addicted to Lost. Never before has a TV show consistently slapped us with its constant originality, twists and turns. Roll on Series 5!

[story by David Scarborough]

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9 – A bunch of pictures that you can email to your friends because you think it’ll make them like you more, when actually the exact opposite is true – Cracked

8 - An advert for liquorish allsorts that contains just about every objectionable micro-celeb on Earth – YouTube

7 - Ten things we can all agree that Lost is never going to explain to us, the sods - Unrealitymag

6 - Speaking of which, here’s the new Lost theme-tune – Collegehumour

5 – Barack Obama in an advert for liquid poo. We can’t even begin to list the amount of ways that this is offensive - I Am Bored

4 - Want to make beer-flavoured meat sauce? OK! – Instructables

3 - Which is better – to die of starvation or to eat bird vomit? This man says the latter. He is wrong – Yahoo

2 - Here’s William Shatner singing a song about taxis – Bedazzled

1 - To Mum, this is the film that your Christmas calendar is based on. Thanks us later - Kontraband

9 – It Will Kill You picture special: polar bear - Image

8 - The two best things about X Factor say goodbye forever – Holymoly

7 - Here’s another perfectly valid reason for Bronx Mowgli Wentz to hate his life – Best Week Ever

6 - Every dolphin in the world in one video - I Am Bored

5 - What sort of idiot invents a sexy lady robot and then programs it to be appalled when you molest it anyway? – OneIndia

4 – Here’s how 80% of you will be spending your Christmas – Listicles

3 - More new Lost! Guhhhhhh - YouTube

2 - The best pictures of the year. Most seem to include explosions – Telegraph

1 – 51 things that Google Maps won’t let you see. Doesn’t include your mum having sex with a sailor in the garden (which, incidentally, we’ve all seen) - IT Security

9 - An interview with the woman from The Restaurant who we feel bad about fancying – TVscoop

8 – Want to dress as a big toilet roll? OK – Instructables

7 – 50 blogs that look nicer than the one you’re currently reading – Smashingmagazine

6 - All you need to know about the new AC/DC album – Popjustice

5 - 10 sexy jobs. We’ve done at least one of these. Ladies – Divinecaroline

4 – Jodie Marsh is an idiot - Heatworld

3 - All the crazy things that Gary Busey has ever done. On screen, mind you, so no snorting cocaine off dogs this time - Screenjunkies

2 – Kanye West extols the virtues of the Norwegian Interactive Dobpler LED System – Kanyewest

1 - The best critique of low-slung trousers we’ve ever read – Littleredboat

Fortunately, the girl saw sense and has shed that disgusting weight that was – both figuratively and literally – holding her down. Yes, friends, Jennifer Love Hewitt has gone and lost 18 pounds, after those photos appeared of her last year when she looked normal.

Obviously when we say ‘normal’ it’s meant by our standards – if we were judging by the usual Hollywood standards then you could take it to mean ‘foul, disgusting and haggish, really fat and unworthy of ever working on anything – film, TV or even radio – ever again’.

Because apparently that’s what we consider ‘normal’ is to these people.

It was around November of last year when these evil, disgusting photos emerged – around the time Jennifer had confirmed her engagement to a man who did some voice overs in Call of Duty 2. She was pictured frolicking around in a bikini, in some water, without a size 0 waist.

This was, apparently, tantamount to a war crime. The holocaust had nothing on her hips. The world of showbiz news went (quite literally) insane, but Jennie Loving Hew stuck to her guns, telling people:

“I’ve sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women’s bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I’m not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.”

The newly-appointed crusader for moral weight-related justice went on:

“A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn’t make you beautiful. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family, and like all women out there should, I love my body.”

After thankfully making it clear that she knew how much she had disgusted us all with her blubberous behind by acknowledging she ‘knew what she looked like’, she finished by saying:

“To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini – put it on and stay strong.”

Which obviously made us all vomit everywhere straight away, as the sheer thought of someone that didn’t look like a carbon copy of a stick insect brings the bile rushing up faster than we could ever hope to keep it down.

But Jennifer Love Hewitt doesn’t seem to be a woman that stands by her words, and instead it looks as if she feels that the world of the celebrity press can dictate to her how she should live her life. Appearing in some new photoshoots in some crap that’s printed, she opened up on losing 18 pounds, bringing herself back down to the stupidly skinny way she’s supposed to be. According to magazines and a moronic public.

Speaking to the press, her personal trainer responsible for making her acceptable to the human eye once more said these words:

“With her, it’s not, ‘I want to look good in that dress’. She wanted to start moving around because she thought it would make her feel better. [Jennifer] told me, ‘They said some rude, mean things, but that’s not why I wanted to change’.”

Actually, we don’t believe that. Hecklerspray believes the reason Jennifer Love Hewitt lost the weight is because of that exact reason – because some “rude”, “mean” things were said. She felt the pressure that comes with being judged by a press and public that have only ever seen you as the size 0 commodity that you are to them, and as soon as you do something with your own body that you want to do, they jump on you.

But hey, who are we to complain? As long as she still has cracking norks.

Starring himself and a whole host of people who appeared solely to boost their ‘caring profile’, Bono told us that ‘every time I and my mates click their fingers, an African child will die’. There was, of course, a simple solution to this: stop bloody doing it – don’t abuse your weird powers.

Aside from his world-saving duties, Bono likes to occasionally rock out with a little known Irish band called U2. Though named after some awful text speak, critics are saying the band could someday be big, if Bono himself were to shut up telling everyone off all the time and dictating to us, the lowly public, what we should do in life to save the universe.

Thankfully some people want to stop Bono bleating on and have launched a petition to stop him. We’re not sure how they intend to stop him, but hopefully it won’t be by freezing him. This would, of course, leave the possibility open for him to be thawed out in 3000 years. Imagine the unfortunate luck for the poor sods then. And would Bono be able to operate a flying car?

Let’s face it: if God wanted the planet to be saved, he would have enlisted the help of someone by now. That someone would most likely be Captain Planet. Remember that bluey-green git? He probably made an appearance at your school when you were little, though you probably missed him due to being sick from evil smoke fumes. Failing that, you watched him on TV doing battle against smog from Middlesbrough, greenhouses gases and those plastic rings from beer cans that fish stupidly get caught in.

It would seem, however, that the time hasn’t yet arrived for a green haired bloke to save the world from warming up and making sure polar bears don’t fall in to the sea, or get loose on the Lost island.

So why has Bono decided to do Captain Planet’s job for him a bit prematurely? Well the answer is simple: when our young Irish lad was watching Cap’s cartoon, he somehow fell over and bumped his head, which clearly triggered some sort of mental illness, making him take on impossible tasks and annoy thousands upon millions of people. ‘Bonoitis’, possibly.

According to the NME, the catchy sounding petition “Bono – retire from public life and we’ll donate a ton of money to fight AIDS” has been launched on thepoint.com. The aim and objectives of this crusade are as follows:

“To get Bono to retire from public life (so he’ll stop leading misguided counter-productive philanthropy efforts) and, simultaneously to make a huge donation to fight AIDS.”

Ace – that’s a win for everyone then. Bono gets to bugger off and do some crap records, while at the same time bundles of money get thrown to AIDS charities. But is everything that easy? Of course it isn’t. Despite raising a small amount of cash so far, which is sure to grow, the money will only be donated depending on the success of the campaign. We’re presuming that ’success’ is nothing less then actual retirement from the public eye for Bono.

Hmm… if it’s that easy to start online petitions then exciting and crazy thoughts are going through our heads. We’ll donate our weekly lunch money total to anyone who can persuade Chris Morris to come in from the wilderness and make us laugh again. Because lets face it, people like Lenny Henry make us want to cry and burn down Premier Travel Inns.

Sign The Petition If You Want:
Make Bono History

On Saturday the UK Eurovision entry Andy Abraham came joint last – along with some nondescript Germans and a Polish tooth machine who looks like she bathes in Ronseal – causing Terry Wogan to mumble furiously about political block voting and boycotts and even his own resignation if our crap songs weren’t taken as seriously as mainland Europe’s crap songs in the future.

And now Terry Wogan’s outraged warcry has been backed up by none other than Bruce Forsyth. Old men grumbling about stuff? Who’d have thought?

We wouldn’t like to be Andy Abraham at the moment. After coming joint last in Saturday’s Eurovision Song Contest, Andy’s managed to become the most high profile British loser in all of Europe. And that’s saying something, given John Terry’s proven inability to stand up and kick a football at the same time.

Scoring points from just two out of 43 countries, Even If by Andy Abraham is going to go down in history as a song that’s even less successful than Scooch. Than Scooch, for christ’s sake. Watching your children get gang-raped by bears has to be less painful than that.

And that’s why the angry Eurovision backlash has begun. It started during Eurovision itself, as Terry Wogan started to mutter darkly about western Europe boycotting the contest because Eurovision was no longer a music contest while watching several former-Soviet countries give full marks to the Russian entry.

Andy Abraham had one of our best entries in years, Wogan said. It didn’t matter that it sounded like the theme tune to Supermarket Sweep, or that it was the second song to be performed out of 25 so everyone forgot about it when they voted, or that it was completely free of any memorable traits whatsoever – we should have won and because we didn’t we should pick our ball up and go home.

And now Terry Wogan has received some high-profile backing from an 80-year-old chinny dancer and the man who Kerry Katona named her child after. The Press Association reports:

Showbusiness legend Bruce Forsyth said: “I agree with him. It’s not a song contest any more, it’s political. It’s all so biased, it’s developed into a farce. I’ve stopped watching it, the last couple of years.”… Public relations guru Max Clifford commented: “Terry Wogan is spot on. It’s all about politics and block voting and nothing to do with the merits of a song. It’s like having a World Cup where the results are worked out in political terms and it’s got nothing to do with who scores the most goals.”

So what’s going to happen? Is the UK really going to retreat from Eurovision? There’ll be a bit of a catch-22 scenario if it does, because the UK pays for about 40% of Eurovision’s running costs at the moment. If the UK quits Eurovision then the lack of money will force several other smaller former Soviet countries out of the contest, too, effectively dismantling the eastern voting block. With that gone, the competition will be fairer and the UK stands a decent hope of winning. Until it decides to rejoin Eurovision, of course, because then it’ll pay for everything again and the eastern voting block will be able to afford to rejoin as well and we’re all back at square one.

Oh, it’s a tricky one. Why can’t Eurovision be fair and simple like it was in the old days, when it was won and lost depending on which crackpot fascist nationalist dictator happened to be in power at any given time? Such a simpler time.

Read more:

Wogan backed over Eurovision attack - PA

But Roger Waters‘ Coachella set was livened up by one tiny thing – the moment when his giant inflatable pig broke free and blew off. Blew off into the desert. Get your minds out of the gutter. Cuh!

And the escape of Roger Waters’ big pig has been the talk of the town ever since, with extensive discussions in the press and monetary rewards being offered to whoever recovered it first. Anything, in fact, to take people’s minds off the fact that they’d just basically exchanged $270 for a week of agonising lower back pain and an eighth of a day spent listening to an old posho bleat on about Southampton.

This is just a theory, but we’re starting to think that Coachella organisers don’t want people to go to their little festival. Every year they try to scare everyone away, either by hiring an old lady to dance around in a leotard or persuading a bunch of angry boys to scream abuse at everyone, and this year they must have thought they’d stumbled across the holy grail of audience repellents – Roger Waters from Pink Floyd.

Because, honestly, if we wanted to listen to an old man go over his past achievements word for word in brain-numbing detail for the millionth time surrounded by drooling medicated fartheads, we’d go and visit our Grandpa in the nursing home. And we don’t like doing that because it reminds us that we’ll die one day.

However, Roger Waters was performing Dark Side Of The Moon in full at Coachella, so he drew a huge crowd of people eager to discover what an album they’ve already played to death sounds like when they have to jam themselves in between a bunch of hippies who’ve curled elastic bands into their beards and listen to them bleat on about how deep it is for Roger Waters to turn some green lights on during a song called Money because money is, like, green. And being pretty sure they’re suffering from the early stages of heatstroke. Man.

Anyway, long story short, Roger Waters did the old inflatable pig trick during his set, but it accidentally blew away and some people got sad until they found it in the desert later. And apparently that’s news now. The Telegraph reports:

A huge inflatable pig bearing the word “Obama” which went missing in the California desert after it was released into the sky during a music festival has been found. The pig, which disappeared following a show by Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters at the Coachella music festival on Sunday. was found by two families on their driveways in La Quinta, California. They will split the $10,000 (£5,090) reward offered by the festival, according to the BBC.

Apparently, as well as telling the residents of California to vote for Barack Obama almost three months after they had the ability to do so, the giant pig also “displayed the words ‘Don’t be led to the slaughter’ and a cartoon of Uncle Sam holding two bloody cleavers. The other side read ‘Fear builds walls.” See? You can take the hippy out of the sixties, but you can’t stop him being an insufferable overbearing dick.

Read more:

Pink Floyd’s flying ‘Obama’ pig found – Telegraph