Matthew Fox has launched a countersuit against a bus driving woman who allegedly assaulted him during an incident in August.

Do you remember the story which said Matthew Fox had been punching a woman on the boob and minge? Do you? We told you about it. It’s not our fault you’ve got a memory like a fish with Alzheimer’s.

It all surrounded an incident which saw Fox trying to get on something called a ‘party bus’. That sounds hideous doesn’t it? Listless women in hot-pants dancing in drizzle while leg meltingly high volumed music blares out at people trying to ignore the hideousness of it all. Anyway, he’s not having a woman saying that he punched her on her doo-dah.

Apparently, the Lost hunk attempted to board a party bus in Ohio in the early hours of 28th August when he was confronted by driver Heather Bormann because his name was not on the private guestlist.

DID SHE NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS? IT’S THAT GUY. THAT GUY FROM LOST. Yeah, we wouldn’t have let him on either, just because we’re peevish.

Anyway, reports said that a scuffle ensued, during which Fox was accused of hitting Bormann on two different rude parts. This prompted Bormann to thwack him in the face. Fox was detained by police but not formally arrested.

Then, Long Distance Clara filed three charges against the actor, including one count of battery, but Fox was never handed criminal charges.

Okay?

Well, now Fox has launched a lawsuit against Bormann for provoking Fox during the altercation and subsequently causing him “public hatred, contempt, ridicule and shame” due to the media fallout.

In fairness, there was a lot of ridicule knocking about, just because Fox wanted to go anywhere near a party bus at all.

Anyway, he’s now seeking unspecified damages because of negative publicity generated, which allegedly cost Fox a number of job opportunities.

Yeah right.

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Matthew Fox – that guy from Lost and the impossibly insipid Party Of Five – has been accused of assaulting a female bus driver. We’re shocked too. We didn’t know women were allowed to get behind the steering wheel of such a large vehicle.

The actor (usually paid to look like he cares) has been detained by police and taken into custody after he saw himself in ‘an altercation’ outside ‘a bar’.

The silly sausage tried to get on a party bus without an invite, prompting those with invites to mock him, leaving everyone else to wonder about which type of scum actually likes being on those awful, awful party buses with their forced fun and miserable see-through clothing.

The driver, Heather Bormann, is claiming that the Lost actor punched her in ‘the breast and stomach area’ after she tried to stop him from climbing aboard the Good Bus Lollipop.

And no, we’re unclear what ‘stomach area’ actually means. Does Bormann have such an extended gut that it contains different area codes? Why don’t we have a look at her Facebook profile to see, eh? It would appear that she is a little on the rotund side, as well as being a big fan of Doberman Pinchers.

That’s nice isn’t it?

Anyway, poor ol’ Heather has decided that she’s going to press charges against Fox. Just because you’re big doesn’t mean you’re a target. Unless you’re an actual whale, in which case, you should totally expect a harpoon in your face any second now and, furthermore, well done for operating a laptop so you can read hecklerspray. We look forward to seeing your insides spread across a harbour while Japanese men cheer at your intestines.

Where were we?

Oh yes. Matthew Fox punching someone in the stomach area. How exactly did he go about his (alleged) assault?

Bormann says:

‘He just kept staring at me with his mouth wide open and not saying anything’

‘I told him, “You have to leave buddy. You are trespassing on my bus.’”

He then, remarkably;

‘…leaned in and started punching my crotch and breast. I took one hand to his jaw and he was spitting blood. He stumbled backwards.’

Get that? The man from Lost got drunk and punched someone right up the doot-doot. He may have lost his wristwatch then, which is fine because he now won’t have to get furious at the buses being late all the stinkin’ time.

Oh. Fox has been released without charge and is still under investigation.

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Over at the hecklerspray bedsit, we’ve been getting a little bit worried about our favourite singing foetus, Justin Bieber. We genuinely thought that the little runt had burnt himself out after constant album promotion, touring and trying to work out how Selena Gomez’s vagina works.

Apparently not though: Justin has still found the time to record a new, undoubtedly woeful, track with buck-toothed punching enthusiast Chris Brown.

Instead of recording rubbish new songs, it seems that Justin Bieber has been working to exploit other gaps in the market. Basics such as posters, cutlery and blenders have probably been covered. So now he’s taking the plunge into perfume (not literally, you understand).

With young female fans normally moistening their front bottoms while thinking about Bieber, it seems a logical move to suggest that they moisten some other areas of their body with his pungent signature scent. From initial sales figures, it appears that bottles are flying off the shelves (and not just from us throwing them on the ground).

But hold on a second, we know what you’re thinking. Why the hell would anyone over the age of fourteen be interested in buying this fragrance? We’d use it to mask the putrid stench of our dead pet dog but beyond that, is there really any need for an adult to buy it? Can’t think a reason? Then perhaps the advert for “Someday” will give you one:

Most perfume adverts are gash. They just feature anorexic women who seem to spend most of their time posturing in the direction of men who inevitably turn out to be on fire. Justin Bieber doesn’t quite share the same target market. Because his fans are juvenile enough to still believe in the tooth fairy, Santa and the Easter bunny Bieber can pretty much get away with anything.

That’s pretty much what he’s done, not once but twice. Girls everywhere will now be under the illusion that once they throw on his smelly water, the midget Canadian will burst through their windows so they can be together. If popstars of the past had known about this, the world we live in today might be a grim and eerie place. Just imagine if Gary Glitter and Michael Jackson had the knowledge of that sort of fragrance-based pulling power.

More importantly though, the power of “Someday” seems to give you the power of flight! For decades, mankind has dreamt of being able to fly, either using a hoverboard, trainers or a comedy jetpack that will probably result in death when the user propels themselves straight into the side of a building but it seems that all of these are to be confined to the realms of science fiction.

That’s right, a quick squirt of Justin Bieber’s essence seems to be the solution to the problem of individual powered flight that scientists have been wrestling with for years. Sci-fi geeks will be licking their lips in anticipation at being able to copy their heroes such as Spiderman. Though they’ll have to make their own jizz-like spider goo. Shouldn’t be a problem…

There is probably a simpler reason to explain the flying caused by the perfume. The dodgy factory that manufactured Justin Bieber’s “Someday” fragrance laced the bottles with LSD, providing each wearer with the mind bending experience of thinking that they might- Someday- receive oral sex from the Biebernator himself.

Chance would be a fine thing.

Weezer are a peculiar little pop band. They know how to stay in people’s minds without ever making a record that crosses over big-time. Of course, that doesn’t include the ‘Buddy Holly’ single and its brilliant Happy Days vid.

Despite making consistently decent LPs, the band have outlived others thanks to a playfulness in marketing. They made the Weezer snuggy, got fans involved in one of the videos for their singles and now, they’re putting actor Jorge Garcia, aka Hurley from Lost on the front of their newest and eighth LP.

No really. There’s a picture of it over the jump to prove it.

Weezer mainman, Rivers Cuomo says:

“We struggled super hard trying to come up with an album title, trying to find some kind of phrase that summed up the whole aesthetic behind the album: ‘Heavy Mental,’ ‘Smaller Than Life’… I was coming up with all kinds of stuff, but ultimately, we just went with some random word that doesn’t really have anything to do with anything. I just loved this photo of Jorge Garcia — it just had this amazing vibe. We didn’t want to do a fourth self-titled record and we knew people would refer to it as ‘the Hurley record’ even if left it without that title, so we just called it ‘Hurley.’ No words are on the cover because all we wanted was his amazing face.”

Don’t get too excited Lost fanatics. This won’t be a concept LP about the show (although someone probably should make one as they’d no doubt make a killing) because Cuomo didn’t even watch it until meeting Garcia.

“I only made it through season two, so I was really nervous hanging out with Hurley/Jorge recently, because I didn’t want to hear something about how it all resolves, or overhear anyone else talking about it. I really like the show though.”

And here it is. It still feels like this is all a big prank though… are Weezer just an internet meme now?

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There hasn’t been a show quite like Lost in the way it sent normally rational people stir crazy in the attempt to get answers from questions that may have not been asked in the first place. People missed work to click through endless Lostpedia links and foamed at the mouth at each morsel.

Then, of course, came the time when the show finished and everyone screwed up their little faces, certain in the knowledge that the last show wasn’t going to blow their brains out like they’d hoped.

Mercifully, for the sanity of Lost fans, the closing show seemed to tick enough boxes to sate their appetite. BUT WAIT. There’s more! There’s a video that’s been leaked by Access Hollywood which explains EVERYTHING!

Kinda.

The video epilogue, New Man In Charge, sees Benjamin Linus arrive at a Dharma Initiative installation and shuts it down, much to the surprise of the workers there.

Michael Emerson – who plays Linus – says:

“For those people that want to pony up and buy the complete ‘Lost’ series, there is a bonus feature which you could call an epilogue…  a lost scene.”

“It’s 12 or 14 minutes that opens a window onto that gap of unknown time between Hurley becoming number one and the end of the series. It’s self-contained, although it’s a rich period in the show’s mythology that’s never been explored. So, who knows what will come of it.”

You can check out a clip of the epilogue here!

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We absolutely adored Lost here at hecklerspray. Every episode piled on the intrigue with careless restraint; phallic stone plugs, grown men wearing too much eye-liner and a guy who could turn into smoke at his illogical whim – Lost had it all.

After six series, fans waited patiently for a final episode they thought held promise to unravelling the Island secrets in a satisfying way. Most people only found that there was no surprise inside this Island’s Kinder Egg, just left with chocolate on their fingers and a deep sense of urgent bowel movement.

What it did leave us was enough holes in the plot to sink a badly-rendered submarine. Some people say it leaves the series with a sense of ambiguity. We say the writers cocked-up. Here is our Top 10 Lost Plot Holes…

10. Who was the Economist?

Remember back in Season 4 before Sayid got the tubb-tum, and was going all Jason Bourne around the flashforwards? Well, there was a mysterious ‘Economist’ he was tracking down to kill for Ben. Was it Widmore? Probably. Will we ever know? Unlikely. This is destined to remain as frustratingly inconclusive as Sayid’s English accent in the final season.

9. How does it make sense that Desmond could go into the afterlife and back?

Granted, a lot of these plot holes arose after the final series, mainly because the final episodes dealt with a colossal clusterfuck of ideas when it started spouting religious hokum. When Widmore bought his giant donut to the Island to help harness Desmond’s resistance to electromagnetism, it propelled our Des into this purgatory. It was kinda like the plot to Flatliners, except without Jack Bauer crying every five minutes.

8. What are The Numbers?

The numbers were a prevailing mystery throughout Lost’s run. The first were the cursed equation that linked somehow to the Island, in turn making Hurley’s life hell when he used to Numbers and won the lottery. They were then engraved and used in The Hatch to stop the world ending (and by not typing them bringing our team to the Island). Later they were revealed to be assigned to the last candidates. Did it ever explain why they were so important/cursed? No. Because how could you tangibly explain why numbers are so important? You’re an idiot if you thought it could ever make sense.

7. How can you travel through time using ‘Water and Light?’

This is a plot hole in the form of a rare occurrence on lost: an answer. Seemingly medieval Man in Black decides to harness the Island’s ‘Source’ to get out of that damned place. It’s simple really: he attaches a wheel to a wall and uses water and light to travel. You read that right, he uses water and light; a startling scientific breakthrough that would have Stephen Hawking kicking himself (if he could).

6. Why did some time travel and not others?

Jack struggles to work out when the show stopped making sense.

Back in Season five when the show decided to embrace its sweating nerdling underbelly, it skipped our characters through time all with the help of a frozen donkey wheel – yes, that actually happened. When Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sayid, Ben and Sun came back to the Island, Jack, Hurley, Kate and Sayid were swamped by white light and transported back to the 70s to get their hippy on with Sawyer. Meanwhile, Sun, Ben – and to a lesser extent, Frank – remained in the present day. The only slight assumption we can make is that Sun, Ben and Frank were not Candidates, and Jacob transported the others back in time with his magical droopy eyes.

5. How comes Kate didn’t grown any armpit hair?

She doesn’t exactly jump into the banana grove every other day to have a quick trim, does she? Maybe she supplied it all for all the awful wigs Jack wears.

4. What was the Smoke Monster?

Last time we went down the log flume at Thorpe Park, there wasn’t a giant pillar of smoke on the other side. Was MIB killed and the Smoke Monster took his form like Locke, or can MIB just take the form of smoke now? If he was dead then why did Smokey also want to leave the Island? Where did MIB go when he fell down the hole (there was just ground down there when we visited it)? It would’ve made more sense if Jacob had created him by just bending over and letting one rip.

3. Who ordered ‘The Purge’?

Back in Season three, everyone kept banging on about the Dharma Initiative purge. We later found out that Ben gassed the whole village, then dumping all the bodies in a hole. That’s not very Namaste! It also seems totally unlike the laidback Jacob to order a Holocaust on the unsuspecting scientists. Maybe he just got sick of their stupid haircuts.

2. What’s the deal with Christian Sheppard?

Christian Sheppard is one of Lost’s greatest enigmas. It’s a fair assumption that his body was taken by MIB, considering Cocke admitted as much to Jack, proclaiming to have been the visions of Christian Sheppard all along. It all gets confusing, though, as Hurley saw Christian in Jacob’s cabin along with another person – who was that (it certainly didn’t look like Jacob). Also the Man in Black couldn’t leave the Island, yet Christian appeared on the boat located outside of the Islands magnetic radiance and, more bafflingly, appeared to Jack twice at his hospital in LA. Those evil manifestations of smoke, eh? What a bunch of lying bastards.

1. What is Walt?

This picture was taken on Walt’s 8^th birthday.

The big question that was on everyone’s lips: What was the deal with Walt? Yes, everyone know that the kid’s balls were dragging in the sand by the end of Season two, assuring he was given a quick exit. Yet, he appeared in frequent freaky visions (covered in water whispering backwards to Shannon; telling Locke he had work to do) and was the much coveted prize of The Others. Did we ever get an answer as to why he was so special and seemingly possessing superpowers? No. It has left fans frustratingly screaming ‘WAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTT!!!!’ in despair.

Agree with our list? Think you know better and have the answers? Did we miss out the biggest plot hole of all? Let us know in the comments below…

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It’s all over. Six series, 121 episodes, a few plane crashes and an omnipotent canine, and all Lost boiled down to was a giant tampon in the middle of the Island. Brilliant.

We could go down the easy route of bringing up the copious amounts of plot holes, strewn across the Island landscape like the forgotten dead, not worthy enough of resurrection for the climatic hug-a-thon, but we won’t.

We’re in a state of perpetual denial. We’ve been spending the last week walking around vacant church grounds, hugging anyone that we see, hoping for a taste of sweet nirvana. Every coffin, every yellow-faced pooch, any whiff of an abusive father and we found ourselves gasping to hold back the tears.

When we finally regained composure, it was obvious that Lost as a series has been building up to this episode from day one. Jack, Locke, Kate, Sawyer, all their destinies were built around Jacob’s grand plan: a giant IT problem. Didn’t Jacob know that he only had to switch it off and on?

The finale took an amusing turn early on when both Jack and Cocke’s plans for good/evil involved the two of them walking through the jungle hand in hand. The two continued to bicker about which scheme was going to work whilst poor Desmond was caught in the middle like a child being dragged around by his parents on the bitter verge of divorce.

It seemed both were right and wrong. Once Desmond had removed the Island Tampon, all hell broke loose, vigorously shaking the tropical paradise like a cardboard set from the 60s. This left Cocke enough time to make a swift exit (via the boat that had somehow got from Dharma island over to the mainland?) and for Jack to finally destroy something – Cocke!

The climatic fight had everything you’d ever want: rain, gurning, two middle-aged men who looked like they’d keel over before they reached each other. It was all kinds of epic. The kinds of epic that we saw back when The Matrix Revolutions came out in 2003 – now with a cool jumping punch from Jack (that was rudely changed into another shot post-ad break).

Once Cocke was killed (with much chagrin, by Kate) the Islanders could be on their way for the merry goodbyes and hop-off on the plane, piloted by Frank (who was kept around all series for this sole purpose). Poor Jack was stabbed, though, having to make his way to turn the Island back on. Not before making Hurley the new Jacob, who then makes Ben his number two. Has this guy not seen anything Ben has done? He has been responsible for nearly every death on the show, including Libby’s! It’s all water under the bridge/inexplicable light source now, we guess.

Back in sideways world, all was revealed. It was purgatory all along. We can’t help but wonder if it’s a joke of the producers, constantly verbatim ‘it’s not purgatory’ for so many years that they stuck it in there at the very end as a one fingered salute as they collect their last paycheques. We at least find that admirable.

So as the cast past and present all come together in the church, Jack’s dad lays on the religious message, wrings a few tears out of Jack and lets him get on with the mass existential orgy that proceeds. As they all sit, open-eyed at the world around them, mouths open, gawping into the increasingly encompassing light like the special school just rolled into town, Hecklerspray feels something. Something they haven’t felt since…

Misty eyed, we laid down – no dog to accompany us, just empty crisp packets and our Jonathan Creek boxset – we were part baffled, part content. It was over. We could now move on. Not to some spiritual world, mind – that would be a load of pretentious bollocks. No, we’re going to watch something that makes sense… like Emmerdale.

Check back here soon for our list of Lost’s 10 Greatest Plot Holes.

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Wondered why Mr Eko was not in the final episode of Lost? No, neither did we. To be honest, it did not even cross our minds until we read that he wasn’t there on another blog.

Amazing really how we missed him. He is, after all, a huge black guy armed with a very dodgy Nigerian accent and a huge club with psalms carved on to it.

Anyway, apparently, it had nothing to do with the fact that Brit actor Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje wanted enough cash to sink a boat owned by Charles Widmore just to appear.

It was actually because he was too busy in Canada filming the much-anticipated prequel to John Carpenter’s 80s gore classic The Thing, about a, errrr, thing that kills dogs and people and stuff.

Hopefully, his character, ‘Derek’, will fare slightly better than the last time he faced a monster. The last time we saw Mr Eko he was having the crap kicked out of him by The Smoke Monster.

But with a name like Derek, he’ll be lucky if he gets past the first 30 minutes.

As well as Akinnuoye-Agbaje, also starring in The Thing prequel, directed by Matthijs van Heijningen Jr, will be Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Eric Christian Olsen, Joel Edgerton and Ulrich Thomsen.

Joel Edgerton gave a few hints, which, unless you have seen the original (who hasn’t) won’t mean a great deal.

“Whoever’s familiar with the film knows that very early on in the original the two Norwegian guys seem to have become crazy. One is blown up in a helicopter and the other one gets shot by the Americans and in order to find out why they went crazy, Kurt Russell goes in a helicopter to see and question the Norwegian base and when he gets there it’s been decimated and they find the carcass of this “Thing”. And this story tells what happened to the Norwegian base.”

The film is due to be released next year.

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So it’s come to this after all these weeks. We’ve had brutal deaths, glorious goat-faced babies. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows. So it comes with monumental sadness that we have reached our penultimate point. Yes, next week marks the last ever Lost Deconstruction from Hecklerspray.

And, yes, we know it’s already over, but we’re sticking to this one-a-week system, OK? Pipe down.

It’s sad – we’re certainly sad. We at least hoped someone would send us a T-shirt or something to mark this landmark blog. Even one of those inflatable flannels would’ve been nice.

But what a triumphant return to form for Lost with What They Died For, blowing away last week’s dusty mythological meanderings in a few off-hand remarks, instead focusing on placing the players in various characteristically contorted positions for a barmy finale.

Fully embracing the spiritual undercurrent that this season has so unapologetically ladled on, it further muddied the nonsensical waters for which the show so carelessly wades through; child Jacob being an overtly petulant happy-slapping youth who turns into grown-up pensive Jacob? Perhaps we need to go to church more.

Once we got that out the way, Jacob – who not can be inexplicably seen by the whole group – gathers the remaining living members of Jack’s pack and explains to them everything. Well, everything and nothing. He explains that he brought together everyone to the Island so that they could be his replacement. Apparently everyone was a lonely, sad, closet masturbator who had nothing better to do than sit around on an Island for all eternity.

Kate’s name was stricken from the list of ‘Candidates’ because she became a mother – Sun, however, never spent any time with her child, so obviously she was still deemed a viable enough arsehole to replace the Island god. It was a slight tenuous explanation for the candidate theory, one that grows feebler the more you’re left to ponder: Hurley was pretty happy until he won the lottery with the cursed numbers that the last candidates were assigned – what’s with that?

While they were all left on that side of the Island trying to find the script that went missing some time ago, we finally got reacquainted with Lost’s premier antagonists. Cocke, Ben and Widmore were all joined together, in maleficent convergence. All that hard work at the beginning of the season sculpting Ben into a figure of redemption seems to have been thrown out, realising that it leaves nothing for the character to do. Instead, he’s up to his evil doings once again, bitterly banging on about his dead daughter. Honestly, move on, buddy.

This did offer us the pleasing moment of Evil Tina Fey Clone getting her comeuppance. Her throat was nonchalantly slashed by Cocke, a scene that only could’ve been made perfect by slow-motion instant replay for around forty minutes. The scene also offered some exciting morsels of information for the finale, with Richard being smashed – Wylee Coyote style – into the jungle, Miles on the run, Widmore dead (not before whispering about Desmond‘s destiny) and a Cocke/Ben evil alliance.

The setup continued in the sideways land, with Desmond doing his bit to round-up the main characters and get them all to the same place – most likely, Jack’s son David’s music concert – where either the Island will explode or they’ll all live happily after. Expect cameos galore and some more ‘enligtening’, Des style; which, this week involved punching the living eyeballs out of Ben (as most of his Island highlights have involved this somehow).

It was an episode packed to the brim with a season’s worth of plot and character, clearly hefting the slack from a slow series. As we came to a close, it appeared Jack was prepared to fulfil his destiny and become the new Jacob of the Island and take Cocke down. Either that or Jacob’s colossal stalking methods had reached their exciting climax, having just spiked Jack’s drink making him all susceptible and bleary eyed. Oh Jacob, you and your crazy perverted ways, will you ever learn?

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This is it, then. By the time this weekend is over, we’ll all know how Lost ends. Six long years, all building up to this point.

Obviously, as Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof have exhausted themselves telling everyone recently, the last episode of Lost won’t satisfy everyone. It might not be the ending that everyone expected. There will still be questions that go unanswered. But Lost is definitely coming to an end, at least until they decide to make a film, or someone does a V-style remake, or greenlights Lost: The Next Generation, or produces a West End musical entitled Golly! I’m So Lost!

But how will Lost end this weekend? As gigantic Lost fans ourselves, we’ve come up with seven possible ways in which the series could conclude. Now, we’re not saying that all of these outcomes are right. But we are saying that one of them is right. So, you know, spoilers and stuff. Possibly. Oh, whatever…

1 – THE DREAM ENDING

This one has been discussed for years. Just as everything on the Lost island is reaching a dramatic crescendo, just when it looks like all hope is gone for our heroes, Jack’s eyes suddenly snap open and he sits upright in bed. He looks around. His wife is sleeping next to him. His alarm clock reads 8:15am. He has visibly aged by approximately six years and has a completely different haircut to when he fell asleep seven hours ago. Was it… could it have all been a dream? Jack feels something in his pyjama pocket. It’s some sand. Or a piece of Jacob‘s statue. Or a smoke monster. Or Libby. Or a note reading ‘You are all idiots for sticking with this nonsense past season one’. Or something. We’re not fortune tellers, OK?

2 – THE HAPPY ENDING

If, somehow, both timelines could remain when Lost is all over, there’s a way everyone could be happy and cared for, this is how things could work out:
• Jin and Sun from the alternate timeline somehow manage to cross over to the original timeline and raise their daughter.
• Desmond, in saving the world on the island, defies Widmore‘s expectations and is blasted, nekkid, back to the boat where he and Penny and little Charlie live.
• Alex in the alternate timeline never regains her island memories and she and Ben fall in love and get married.
• Juliet is Jack’s ex-wife in the alternate timeline; the two Sawyers merge (hey, this is Lost, it could happen!) and marry Juliet. They have lots of gorgeous children.
• Kate stays on the island with Jack.
• The two Hurleys merge and live happily ever after with Libby.
• AltLocke regains his ability to walk, gets married.

3 – THE REALISTIC ENDING

All of the remaining candidates will die except for Jack who, like Jacob before him, will be forced to battle Locke until the end of time with no real resolution. Meanwhile, the alternative reality will come to nothing and just be a waste of everyone’s time that doesn’t connect in any way to the main story whatsoever.

4 – THE ENDING WHERE EVERYONE SUDDENLY REMEMBERS ABOUT CHRISTIAN SHEPHARD

Christian Shephard makes a return to the programme. Christian Shephard likely refers to the idea of the ‘Good Shepherd’ in Christianity, and Jesus Christ specifically. We have all seen the poster for season six depicting the last supper. The stage is set for Christian to make a dramatic return and replace Locke in Jesus’s spot in the centre of the table.

5 – THE RAILWAY CHILDREN ENDING

Whatever happens – the island gets destroyed, Jack repeats history by summoning another set of castaways to the island, the smoke monster gets sent to jail – whatever happens, the last scene of Lost will involve all the cast from the last six years sitting on the beach and waving goodbye to the viewers, just like the ending of The Railway Children. Look, there’s Keamy joyfully flapping his hat in the air! And there’s Frogurt, that flaming arrow still poking out of his chest, indulging in some minor horseplay with Mr Eko! And, oh, there’s Walt, mumbling bitterly to himself that he thought he was supposed to be the important one in all of this! Oh, what an adorable ending!

6 – THE ‘HURLEY GETS TURNED INTO A CANOE’ ENDING

After the writers realise there is no possible way they can explain all the ludicrous plot twists, they instead decide to kill everyone off except Sawyer and Hurley in some shocking polar bear incident.
Jack gets a particularly grisly death for boring the pants off me throughout the whole series. Running out of food, Sawyer resorts to cannibalism. He starts by chopping off bits of Hurley’s limbs, to which the annoying fat turd responds with, “That’s not cool, dude”. After harvesting virtually his entire body for food, Sawyer instead makes a canoe out of him and sails home. Cue end credits.

7 – THE ENDING THAT EXPLAINS WHY THE SMOKE MONSTER IS SUCH A DICK

So, Jack – newly crowned as the guardian of the island and backed up by Kate, Sawyer and Hurley – is engaged in an epic battle with the smoke monster for eternal control of the island. Finally, Jack summons up one final ounce of superhuman strength and knocks the monster to the ground. Just as he’s about to brain it with a rock for good and put a full-stop to this age-old struggle, Jack looks down at the monster and says “You never told anybody what your name was.” Realising that it has nothing left to lose, the monster looks up and Jack with a tear in its eye and replies “Cecil Cecil Jizzington-Bigtits. My name is Cecil Jizzington-Bigtits.” Jack immediately feels sorry for the monster on the basis that anyone would be that much of a dick if their parents named them Cecil Jizzington-Bigtits and, out of pity, lets it kill everyone and blow up the island. The end.

Additional theories by David Schwartz, Amy Vernon, Matt Lewis and Lauren Dunne

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When Lost delivers a metaphorical mouthful, it doesn’t seem to be satisfied until we’re gagging on the mediocre morsels that it leaves in its wake.

This week was like a bank holiday Monday on the Island; everyone important has buggered off for a day, leaving it to that woman from The West Wing to do all of the work.

So back we flash to a time, which, is really far back, but people speak English and have really white teeth. First we are thrust into front row seats for the birth of Jacob and his brother, who turns out to be the Baby in Black – latterly the Man in Black. Poor BIB’s mother isn’t alive long enough to give the embittered bambino a name – or an umbilical cord, apparently.

So it’s up to the non-mother – another character who frustratingly refuses to have a name – to raise the couple of miniature deities herself. So it’s just like Muppet Babies; stagnant, devoid of creativity and akin to staring into the abyss.

Baby Jacob and MIB’s adventure starts off with a board game. We’re not quite sure which, but it sure as hell wasn’t Hungry, Hungry Hippos. And after we’ve been successfully slapped round the face with another good and evil analogy, we’re treated to a succession of confusing fanbase bum-licking to alienate everybody but the type of weirdos you come across self-flagellating on Chatroulette.

Well, the little blighters did do the first reveal of the episode; that little blonde kid running around, smiling sinisterly at Cocke this series was, in fact, wee Jacob. Not quite sure why the dead guy is now appearing as a child on the Island, but at this point we couldn’t care less if he was running around with his nob hanging out.

These two troublesome tykes are soon shown the secret of the Island; the reason why they are there and what we’ve been leading up to for years: A sixty watt light-bulb down a toilet hole in the middle of the jungle – brilliant. If that mystical McGuffin didn’t have you sticking your hand down your pants in excitement, then things only got better.

Finding out that his mother isn’t his mother, but a sinister manipulator that would have Ben Linus unleashing a black monster in his pants, MIB leaves Jacob and joins up with the humans – which, like all of us, when surrounded with them, holds them in nothing but contempt.

Years later, MIB and Jacob are all grown up, finding themselves staring into each other’s eyes vacantly for days. MIB has built the giant donkey wheel, the implausible device once turned by Ben. Not quite sure how a cog system involving water and light, manipulates space and time. Then again, we’re not sure how a cog system of water and wankary operate Ant n’ Dec.

MIB just banged on about wanting to leave the Island and return to the world that he never knew he came from. His non-mother had other plans, giving him the Luke Skywalker experience by burning his family and home until he’s a sobbing, revenge-soaked mess.

Meanwhile, being the only kid left to count on, the non-mother spikes Jacob’s drink, leaving him with omnipotent powers and the ability to make a long-running drama into a giant nonsensical arsebag.

Sensing things are getting out of hand, MIB stabs his mother, fuelling Jacob’s hate for his brother. Jacob does the smart thing and chucks MIB down the glowing toilet, unleashing the Smoke Monster. Really, we have no fucking idea what is happening at this point.

Later, feeling all pensive, Jacob finds, MIB’s body, and lays it next to his mother in the cave, along with black and white stones. So they were Adam and Eve from season one all along. Although, for anyone that’s lobotomised, we are given a handy reminder in the form of a Season one flashback when Jack, Kate and Locke find the bodies. Except, they missed the part out where Jack says: “It takes 40 or 50 years for clothing to degrade like this.”

Although, we wouldn’t recommend you tell people that. They’ll begin to think you know more than the writers. That’ll only end with them blindly watching you for six years, until you start shitting on their dreams.

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Honestly, it’s not a good time to be a child in Lost. No sooner had Goat Baby been abandoned by its crusty crazy mother, now poor Ji Yeon has been made an orphan because her parents decided to be selfish and drown, like they were starring in a 1997 boat movie. Bastards.

At least we were right all along, and now we can fully announce that it was true: The Man in Black is a Cocke. He finally gets the Losties to the plane, which he was planning on using all season, then quickly changes his mind and heads for the submarine. That’s not before he efficiently kills a couple of goons and nicks Widmore’s C4.

It’s also in another pointless turn that our disbanded group from last week are reunited after around five minutes and decide to all work together again. We got a little bit of Black Smoke action as well, tearing through Widmore’s camp, but deciding not to just kill Widmore then and there. Our current theory has the two working together. They’re both old and bald, and that’s all the well thought-out logic we need.In sideways land, we had Jack flexing his compulsive ego in Locke’s legs direction. Driven insane on why Locke doesn’t want some revolutionary surgery to restore his legs, he goes on an Easter egg hunt to find out the hidden secrets.

Along the way he meets Bernard – who flatters himself by claiming Jack flirted with his wife, Rose – Claire and Locke, all of whom he realises were on Oceanic Flight 815. The weirdness didn’t end there, with another Lost quote-a-thon being spieled by everyone; “Whatever happened, happened”, “Push the button” and “I wish you had believed me.” All being fan favourites shoehorned in some sort of pseudo significance.

When it came down to it, Locke was crippled because he nosedived a plane and turned his (evil) father into a drooling vegetable, now feeling like he has to punish himself for it. Not a particularly funny sentence, that one…

We’ve got gunfire galore in the episode; a minute barely passes by with someone unloading furiously at another party. This culminated in an extended shootout at the submarine dock; a scene that was really subtle – really subtle – especially that bit when Locke passes Jack a bag. Did we say it was really subtle?

Well, Sawyer thought he got one over on that Cocke ‘son of a bitch’, locking him (and Claire) out of the sub and diving off. Except, that bald bandit has only stuck a bomb with them (in that bag, in a moment you never saw coming). It came down to a matter of faith and what we are sure is a plot hole (surely if Jack tried to defuse the bomb they wouldn’t die?). It doesn’t matter because Sawyer triggered it and it all looked doomed for our survivors.

Except that wonky-accented actor who used to play Sayid came along, saved everyone and blew himself up. See, he wasn’t pointless this season. Then the sub crashed and Frank got his one word of the episode, before being killed by a door. See, he wasn’t… actually he was pointless this season.

Jin and Sun died as well. Whatever. You didn’t even mention your child, you selfish, inconsiderate deadwood. To add insult to injury, Kate got shot and survived. That’s enough of a depressing emotional wallop to make us want to cry.

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Well, that was all a bit of a Cocketease now, wasn’t it? If ever a Lost episode did so much and accomplished so little, then colour us surprised. But as all the candidates come together, we at least have the game set for an explosive finale – that’s if they have enough pyrotechnics left in Hawaii.

Finally, after what seems like years, Lost’s most emotional, romantic and sexually charged pairing were reunited in blissful harmony – and when Jack and Locke finally came together, it didn’t disappoint. Cocke seems to be playing the good guy, telling Jack about how he penetrated his father’s body and led Jack to water because he loves him or something.

Still, Jack doesn’t know which way he’s leaning. On one side he’s got Jacob with all his destiny policies; Cocke’s talking about change; and then we’ve got Widmore in the middle. We’re not quite sure what he’s doing but when he looks at us our toes feel all tingly.

It was a bit of a reunion episode this week with Jack and Locke, Jack and Claire, Jack and Claire again and then Jin and Sun. Things have settled down with Claire recently; she’s kinda forgotten that she’s a few bananas short of a split and seems to be back to her bland self. She finally got her reunion with the brother she didn’t know about and it looked more like an awkward morning after than some sort of sibling gathering. It’s okay, though, we got another reunion twenty minutes later in the flash-sideways. Yay.

That’s not all that happened in the flash-sideways. No siree, Bob. Desmond was still swanning around and chatting to the passengers of 815 and they all seem to be coming together in the same place. Even Illana got a look in this week, now as some English lawyer, proving to be as interesting as the chunk of her forehead that’s left from her Island counterpart.

The Island story proved just as uneventful, with all the characters gradually moving together for the final few episodes. So far, series six has consisted of characters gradually walking towards each other while Sawyer chirps “Son of a bitch” like someone’s pulling a string that’s hanging out the back of his arse.

Jack decides that he still has a destiny and sticks around with Cocke. Evil Tina Fey Clone soon shows up, threatening the team with big explosions. Why Cocke just doesn’t turn into smoke, jump down her mouth and make her explode from the inside, is beyond us. This gets the group going – wait for it – on another walk across the Island. Exquisite writing.

Oh and remember that huge well that Cocke pushed Desmond down last week? Well, it was about knee-deep after all, and Cocke in all his infinite wisdom decides to send Sayid to go finish the job – could he not be arsed to kill him at the time? Except, Sayid might not be the shaky accented zombie we’ve grown accustomed to this series and appears to have set the Scottish time-jumper free.

Realising that this whole thing has got a bit out of hand, Sawyer, Kate, Hurley, Frank (he’s still in it), Sun and Claire go for a boat ride towards the submarine in a break for freedom. That’s until they reach Widmore’s camp and are quickly held at gunpoint. We do get another brief reunion moment between Sun and Jin before it all ends. They’ve been apart for nearly two seasons and there’s more emotion in a mucky Kleenex than in this scene. This moment should’ve been a love-struck pairing like Desmond and Penny; it was more like Michael and Vincent.

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10 - Children’s drawings painted realistically. This is beautiful – Geekologie

9 - British electorate, you are incredibly stupid – YouTube

8 - Zoe Saldana Wants To Pee While Standing Up. Yes, that’s the actual headline – AmyGrindhouse

7 – The first leaders election debate, through the eyes of a genius – Thehospitalclub

6 - That awful Tiger Woods advert gets the voiceover it deserves – YouTube

5 – Girls who get too jealous go blind. Scientific fact - Asylum

4 - We meant to direct you to these several weeks ago, but forgot. These Lost recaps are very funny indeed – Bestweekever

3 - Horrible, horrible fantasy book covers – Goodshowsir

2 - Now THIS is why Larry King gets so many women - Buzzfeed

1 - As an aside, if even a single one of you become turned on by this video lecture by a flirting coach, especially his line about blueberries – we swear to god, you’re no longer welcome here…

Hurley has been plagued with bad luck throughout Lost; he won the lottery with cursed numbers, was part of a plane crash and he kind of looks like a hairy ball bag. Yet, for some reason, you’ve got to love the enduring optimism of the old chubster.

This week the camera does its best to focus on the schlub, as he leads the gang across the Island in search of Cocke’s band of brothers. Also, another zombie passenger arises in the form of Michael, coming back to say more than “Walt!!!!” – thank christ.

Michael shuffled along to tell tubby that blowing up another part of the Island (the plane, mentioned by Richard last week) might not be the brightest of ideas. Still, because it’s Lost, we got a double explosion extravaganza this week, that offered enough Island firepower to keep Jack hard up until the finale. Unfortunately, this meant that we had to say goodbye to one of Lost’s most forgettable main cast members. Poor Illana, with all her unphased devotion to Jacob, came a cropper to a bag of dynamite. The Island was done with her, apparently. More likely the writers realised that they didn’t have anything to do with such a useless bag of breasts. Miles and Lapidus are looking more superfluous by the day.

But lest we forget that last week Desmond was a man on a mission. Popping up in Hurley’s flash-sideways, guiding him towards his dead lover Libby – who died on the Island quite a while ago. We still haven’t found out why she was in a mental institute in season 2, but here she’s back in the loony bin because she’s a disgusting chubby-chaser.

Hurley soon rekindles their romance and before we know it the two are remembering their brief Island life together; all tongues, sweat and mayonnaise. Now Desmond moves onto his next passenger on the list: Locke.

On Island, Desmond decides to go skipping through the trees with the bald smoke monster, pointing at suspicious looking children on the way (still got money on Aaron as the creepy kid). They stop off at a well when, well, Desmond gets pushed into it. Seems like a long walk just to kill someone. What happened to the old days of turning into smoke and smashing people around? We’ve only got a few episodes left; he needs to be more economical with his killing methods.

Meanwhile, we also get the Black Rock being blown-up and the answer to the long standing question of ‘the whispers’. Yes, apparently the whispers were dead people who can’t leave the Island. It was a little underwhelming, but mainly because it was so flippantly explained. Plus, most of the dead people have appeared off-Island to Hurley or Jack anyway, making it all slightly confusing.

Back to Desmond and it’s not long before he gets his revenge on Cocke, although, not before being accused of being a paedophile by Ben. When he scopes Locke in his wheelchair at school, he gets a little too excited about showing him his new car, and runs the limped-legged bugger over. We’re not sure if he was just trying to kill him for pushing him down a well or to trigger Locke’s memory of his on-Island life. Whatever the case, Locke seems to have worst luck than Hurley. At least he doesn’t look like a hairy ball-bag, though – just a bald one.

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