Michael Jackson’s dream is over – well, not the terrifying dream where his face slowly atrophies, that one’s still going strong.

We’re talking about the dream where Michael Jackson grows old surrounded by the luxury of his Neverland ranch. It’s been revealed that Michael Jackson has finally lost Neverland, and has signed the house and grounds over to a corporation – presumably a corporation that specialises in finding suitably creepy real estate for frightening comicbook supervillians.

And, in a sense, that’s what has happened. The corporation that Michael Jackson has signed Neverland over to is part owned by… Michael Jackson. So, in a sense, what that means is – oh, look, who are we kidding? This is so confusing, it’d take a month to get to the bottom of it. God, Michael Jackson was so much easier to understand when everyone thought he molested children.

For people like us – normal, hardworking millionaires who dream about living in giant shadow-filled dilapidated ranches that come complete with abandoned fairgrounds so utterly unsettling that they may as well be Nosferatu movie sets – these last couple of years have been hard.

All we’ve wanted to do is buy Neverland from Michael Jackson. As well as being so shitpant scary to live in that we’d never be able to sleep again, buying Neverland would have also been a sound investment – the eBay revenue alone from all the empty Jesus Juice bottles, scabbed-up lakes of giraffe blood and vials full of a general creeping stench of decay would have paid back the cost of the ranch several times over.

But it wasn’t to be. Although Michael Jackson apparently tried to sell Neverland to the Beckhams at one point due to the massive debts it was running up, lately he’s been fighting as hard as possible to keep it. Every time he almost lost Neverland for falling behind on the mortgage, Michael Jackson managed to scoop a vast, hopelessly convoluted deal out of the bag at the last minute to save it.

However, not even Michael Jackson could keep up with these brainfrying financial blackflips for long, and now it looks as though he’s finally lost Neverland forever. Michael Jackson has signed Neverland over to, well, himself. Don’t worry, we’re confused too. But The New York Times knows what’s going on:

On Monday Mr. Jackson filed a grant deed that transferred ownership of the property to the Sycamore Valley Ranch Company. According to the report the company is a joint venture between Mr. Jackson and Colony Capital, the real-estate investment company owned by Tom Barrack, which purchased Mr. Jackson’s debt in May when he defaulted on a $24.5 million mortgage on the ranch.

See? It’s simple. Michael Jackson couldn’t pay the mortgage on Neverland, so he sold his debt to an investment company, and then started a new company with the investment company, and then signed Neverland to that company. What could possibly be simpler than that?

Basically, that means that the new owner of Michael Jackson’s Neverland is Michael Jackson. Unless it isn’t. Which it might not be. Clear?

No, we’re still lost too, to be honest. But hopefully – regardless of who owns it now – getting rid of Neverland will be able to save Michael Jackson a gigantic sum of money. Maybe even enough to get his face looked at by a proper doctor. Seriously, that thing gives us the heebie jeebies.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

We always thought that Sharon Stone would be a good mother, particularly because she’d always be getting her vag out to remind you where you’re from.

But maybe Sharon Stone isn’t such a fantastic mother after all, because it turns out that she’s lost physical custody of her eight-year-old son Roan to her ex-husband Phil Bronstein.

That’s upsetting. Not for Sharon Stone – she’s old enough to cope with this – but for her son. After all, this means he’ll never get to experience the unique form of schoolyard bullying that comes from having your naked 50-year-old mother who happens to be an intense figure of hatred to the entire Chinese community drop you off at school every morning. That poor boy. That poor poor boy.

It’s hard to see how Sharon Stone’s 2008 could get any worse, really. Sure, she may have enraged the next superpower-in-waiting by explaining that it deserved its horrific earthquake for the way it was sometimes mean to the Dalai Lama, but that’s not the worst thing to happen to Sharon Stone this year by far. No, the worst thing to happen to Sharon Stone is that next month she’s starring in a Jimmy Fallon film. That’s so awful we almost feel sorry for her.

Oh, and Sharon Stone’s also lost physical custody of her son. But, really, Jimmy Fallon.

Anyway, back to the custody thing. It’s been revealed that Sharon Stone no longer has physical custody of her eight-year-old son Roan despite doing her best to turn that around in court. The LA Times reports:

According to the court documents from a Sept. 12 custody hearing, Phil Bronstein “shall have permanent sole physical custody of child. Court finds that Respondent (Sharon Stone) failed to meet her burden of proof and denies Respondent’s (Sharon Stone’s) request for modification of custody.” The judge also notes that this order is permanent unless there is a change of circumstances.

Actually, we admit it, we do feel a little bit sorry for Sharon Stone here. Having a child taken away from you must be excruciatingly painful. Imagine how lonely it must be to verbally molest an entire nation or have it off with Christian Slater knowing that there isn’t an eight-year-old boy a few feet away with his eyes closed and his hands clamped over his ears wishing he was anywhere else on Earth. It must be really bloody lonely.

Still, you know what this means. It means that Britney Spears needs to watch the hell out. With Sharon Stone losing custody of her son, Britney runs the risk of not being the worst mother in Hollywood any more. If we were Britney we’d be upping our game to counter this title challenge sharpish. And that means one thing – Britney, it’s time to start firing your children out of cannons at helicopters. You know it makes sense.

Calvin Harris may be a lot of things but a good musician slash DJ is not one of them.

So it comes as very good slash nice news that, on route to the UK from the US, baggage handlers lost the baggage that happened to contain a laptop on which the only copy of his second album was stored.

If God existed we would thank him right now.

The talent disabled Scot, unavailable for comment, is presumably able to console himself in the fact that he gets “all of the girls”, like some sort of spasdic Casanova . He’s not picky or anything, even Katona could be in with a shout. A spokesman for Columbia said:

"It's a big cause for concern – months of work have gone into that. The airport has offered £750 in compensation. You can't really put a price on something like a new record."

You can’t put a price on something like a new record? Well, yes, spokesman for Columbia, if the album were Revolver or Highway 61 Revisited then it wouldn’t be at all possible. But when the album in question concerns the mind and musings of one Calvin Harris then, yes, yes you can. About £0. And we’d haggle for minus numbers.

He’ll probably get to work on a new one sometime soon though so don’t get your hopes up, readers. Console yourselves in the fact that it’ll probably take a year or so. Hopefully. It is quite possible that Calvin will squeeze some sort of disgusting shit from his mouth and fingers by the time summer reaches us. Just in time for Edith Bowman, a woman who is slightly less useful than a TV listing for E4+1, to shout “Amayzin’,” “Choone!” and, “Random!!!” at.

Read more:

Calvin Harris Loses Master Tape Of Second Album - Angry Ape 

So Britney Spears heeded the warning to go to court for her custody hearing yesterday – she just didn't heed the part about actually going into the courtroom itself.

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn't lose her kids was to attend yesterday's custody hearing, it's been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears – where does her semi-appearance leave our 'arse out' promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We're so confused.

Now let this be a lesson to all you young mothers – if you want to see your kids, perhaps it's not the best idea to barricade yourself topless in a bathroom with them and swear a lot until you're eventually taken to the brain hospital on a stretcher.

Just ask Britney Spears – that's what she did almost a fortnight ago and now she can't see her children at all for a month. Yesterday saw the bazillionth Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody hearing take place, but it was an especially important one for Britney Spears because the general consensus was that Britney needed to show up to the court and argue her case to be able to retain some amount of visitation with Sean Preston and Jayden James. But if Britney Spears didn't show up, then the court commissioner, Kevin Federline and all the lawyers could giggle about her behind her back and stamp out visitation indefinitely.  

So yesterday Britney Spears showed up to court. Admittedly she showed up four hours late and didn't actually make her way to the hearing itself at any point, but at least that's more effort than she made promoting her new album. The LA Times reports on yesterday's Britney kerfuffle:

Spears traveled today to the civil courthouse downtown, where Commissioner Scott M. Gordon was hearing testimony in the child custody battle for her two sons with ex-husband Kevin Federline. But after circling the courthouse, Spears stopped, got out of her black sport utility vehicle and surveyed the crowd of cameras and reporters, then got back in and apparently headed home.

And, since Britney wasn't there to explain why she locked herself in the bathroom with her children in just a pair of knickers and then told a policeman that she wouldn't put any clothes on because she's "fucking hot," the commissioner had no choice but to ban Britney Spears from seeing her kids until at least February 19.

It's at this point that we traditionally cross our fingers and hope that this custody blow will finally convince Britney Spears to take a hard look at herself and seek out the long-term help that she obviously needs but, really, what's the point? Britney has lost her kids before and that didn't change things, so how will this make any difference? Honestly, unless something happens that shakes Britney Spears badly enough to get treatment, there's probably only one way this will end.

But, hey, who's to say that letting her kids spend a month alone with Kevin Federline isn't the massive shock that Britney Spears needs? After all, if our infant children returned to us after a month away with cornrowed hair, bizarre eyepatches and a bunch of dope rhymes about Pavarotti, then we'd be pretty bloody shocked as well.

Read more:

Spears arrives for court hearing but doesn't stay - LA Times 

Poor old Mel B. She's always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and that has to sting – especially when the bride is a South American bloke who drives cars for a living.

Actually that's not strictly true – with her relationship history, Mel B has been the bride quite a lot actually – but as far as Dancing With The Stars goes, Mel B is definitely the bridesmaid. Last night saw the final of this year's Dancing With The Stars, and long-time favourite Mel B was just pipped to the post by Brazilian racing driver Helio Castroneves. And if Helio Castroneves is the bride of Dancing With The Stars and Mel B is the bridesmaid, that makes third-place Marie Osmond a Dancing With The Stars usher or something. Or a flower girl. Or the woman who plays the church organ in an amusingly bad way. Look, we don't know, OK?

Individually the Spice Girls have all tried to crack America in different ways. Victoria Beckham was given her own TV show, while Geri Halliwell was allowed ten seconds on a Sex And The City episode to prove why she is the worst actress that has ever been. Meanwhile Sporty Spice and Emma Bunton, well, we hear one of them went to the Epcot Centre once. That counts.

But it's Scary Spice Mel B who's made the biggest impression on America as a solo star thanks to her wonderful triple-threat ability to let Eddie Murphy knock her up, get married to a man who knocks people about and not get knocked out of a televised dancing competition when she really should be practising for the imminent Spice Girls comeback tour.

Because while the other Spice Girls have been busy preparing for their reunion by affiliating themselves with bra shops, appearing in adverts for supermarkets while being clearly unable to talk properly and releasing woefully unsuccessful comeback charity singles, Mel B has been appearing on Dancing With The Stars, the American Strictly Come Dancing.

And doing fairly well at it, too, because last night saw the Dancing With The Stars final take place, with three remaining dancers scrapping it out for the crown. Mel B faced off against the mighty Helio Castroneves, who we don't know, and Marie Osmond, who we only know because she might have tried to kill herself once and her son's in rehab and her daughters are famous MySpace slags. And because she fell over once.

However, after Marie Osmond was booted early on during Dancing With The Stars, it was a one-on-one tussle between Mel B and this Helio chap to see who could waggle themselves around in a sparkly skin-tight costume the most convincingly. And Mel B only had success in her sights, as she said early on in the show:

"To be embraced by America, would be… I would actually be speechless. Me and Maks have come so far. We are not prepared to throw it all away. We have to win it for all those people that have been voting for us. I've had so much fun, everyone's so cool here. It's been an amazing journey. Coming in second or third is not an option for me. I like to start something and finish it right on top."

But although coming second might not have been an option for Mel B, it's what happened. Helio Castroneves either danced better or had a bigger fanbase than Mel B, because he ultimately emerged as the Dancing With The Stars champion, even though we still don't especially know who he is.

Mel B has never been one to dwell on bad news, though – as proved by her ridiculous addiction to ill-advised shotgun marriages – and we're sure she'll soon see the positives in her Dancing With The Stars silver medal. For instance, Mel B can now hold her head up high and say that she's officially a better dancer than an Osmond, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman and that old singing man with the dodgy ticker. Mighty praise indeed.

Plus if could mean that Mel B gets even a fractionally larger cheer than Geri Halliwell when she steps out on stage with the Spice Girls in Vancouver on Sunday. And we sort of get the impression that Mel B would have kicked a puppy to death onstage if it meant people liked her more than Geri.

Read more:

Spice Girl Mel B Loses Dancing With The Stars – Telegraph