Loses - HecklerSpray

Michael Jackson Finally Sacks Off Neverland

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Michael Jackson’s dream is over – well, not the terrifying dream where his face slowly atrophies, that one’s still going strong.

We’re talking about the dream where Michael Jackson grows old surrounded by the luxury of his Neverland ranch. It’s been revealed that Michael Jackson has finally lost Neverland, and has signed the house and grounds over to a corporation – presumably a corporation that specialises in finding suitably creepy real estate for frightening comicbook supervillians.

And, in a sense, that’s what has happened. The corporation that Michael Jackson has signed Neverland over to is part owned by… Michael Jackson. So, in a sense, what that means is – oh, look, who are we kidding? This is so confusing, it’d take a month to get to the bottom of it. God, Michael Jackson was so much easier to understand when everyone thought he molested children.

Sharon Stone Loses Her Kid (No, Not Up Her Giant Mudflaps)

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We always thought that Sharon Stone would be a good mother, particularly because she’d always be getting her vag out to remind you where you’re from.

But maybe Sharon Stone isn’t such a fantastic mother after all, because it turns out that she’s lost physical custody of her eight-year-old son Roan to her ex-husband Phil Bronstein.

That’s upsetting. Not for Sharon Stone – she’s old enough to cope with this – but for her son. After all, this means he’ll never get to experience the unique form of schoolyard bullying that comes from having your naked 50-year-old mother who happens to be an intense figure of hatred to the entire Chinese community drop you off at school every morning. That poor boy. That poor poor boy.

Calvin Harris Loses Second Album. World Rejoices.

March 24th, 2009 By hecklerspray staff

Calvin Harris may be a lot of things but a good musician slash DJ is not one of them.

So it comes as very good slash nice news that, on route to the UK from the US, baggage handlers lost the baggage that happened to contain a laptop on which the only copy of his second album was stored.

If God existed we would thank him right now.

Britney Spears Sort Of Goes To Court, Loses Kids Anyway

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So Britney Spears heeded the warning to go to court for her custody hearing yesterday – she just didn't heed the part about actually going into the courtroom itself.

After being strongly advised that the only way she wouldn't lose her kids was to attend yesterday's custody hearing, it's been reported that Britney Spears turned up to court four hours late, circled the building a few times and went home, rubberstamping the loss of her children for the next month in the process.

But never mind Britney Spears – where does her semi-appearance leave our 'arse out' promise from yesterday? One cheek? Do you get one cheek? We're so confused.

Mel B Doesn’t Win That Dancing Show

March 31st, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Poor old Mel B. She's always the bridesmaid, never the bride, and that has to sting – especially when the bride is a South American bloke who drives cars for a living.

Actually that's not strictly true – with her relationship history, Mel B has been the bride quite a lot actually – but as far as Dancing With The Stars goes, Mel B is definitely the bridesmaid. Last night saw the final of this year's Dancing With The Stars, and long-time favourite Mel B was just pipped to the post by Brazilian racing driver Helio Castroneves. And if Helio Castroneves is the bride of Dancing With The Stars and Mel B is the bridesmaid, that makes third-place Marie Osmond a Dancing With The Stars usher or something. Or a flower girl. Or the woman who plays the church organ in an amusingly bad way. Look, we don't know, OK?