There seems to be an endless stream of reports flowing out in recent months, all concerning subjects that are – not that we place ourselves as moral crusaders, but – inappropriate for the young girls they are talking about.

We’ve had the three thousand stories about 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her penchant for getting nude and making everyone feel a bit ill, and now it’s time for Lindsay Lohan’s sister, Ali, to take the brunt of the press’ speculation about whether or not she’s had surgical enhancements.

Oh, did we mention she’s a 14-year-old girl who is barely in the public eye? The same 14-year-old girl who caused a frenzy by auditioning for [a man who used to direct] porn, in a film that was [not] porn?

Yes, she’s that one.

But fortunately this time we have an ally in the fight against all that is a bit weird in the world of the celebrity press – she who is on a quest for all that is good and right in the world, the mighty Lindsay Lohan.

If this were a year or two back, that would be a pretty daft statement to make, as Lindsay would probably be naked, upside down, coated in smack and/or booze and speaking in tongues to the legions of paparazzi around her, but not now.

Now we have what appears to be a newly lesbianised Lindsay in a stable relationship, clean and set for marriage – in fact, the last bad thing she did was offend her dad by accident.

And frankly, that’s not that bad a thing.

The newly-crowned heroine of all that is good, clean and right on the planet decided to set the world to rights through the mightiest of media powers – her MySpace page. Obviously this would normally be reserved for telling the world about her most recent car crash, drunken bust-up or non-stop nude-o-rama, but the once-amazing-now-boring 22-year-old is now using the powers of the Murdoch empire to cure the many ills of society.

Starting with her young sister’s body.

Lindsay, writing on her MySpace blog, wrote these words (and far too many exclamation marks):

“i just had to share something that came up today and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. so, here’s the visual…two paparazzi come up out of nowhere (like usual) and start throwing questions at me…one of them being, ‘Hey Lindsay, what do you have to say about people commenting on your sisters implants?’ WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Continuing the fight for all that is right on the planet earth, Lindsay followed her incredulity with a witty snap back at the pro-snapper, as her blog continued:

“‘Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile!”

See – we told you she was fighting on hecklerspray’s side.

Now we just wait on the news to come out that Ali Lohan actually has had surgery – it’s not like it’s beyond the realms of rational thought, what with Dina being involved somewhere along the lines.

It isn’t like things on the internet, or in the news media in general are reported in a straightforward, to the point and down the line fashion now, is it? So it shouldn’t be surprising to see that a story circulating about Ali Lohan – Lindsay’s sister – has brought the internets to near meltdown.

And why? Because there’s porn involved.

You can always rely on the viral nature of the internet to make a story about a 14-year-old girl auditioning for a film produced by a former porn director one of the most popular things about. Rather unsurprisingly, it’s happened today.

What happened though? Well – exactly what it says in that sentence above. Ali Lohan, sister of hecklerspray favourite Lindsay Lohan, auditioned for a movie. She wants to be famous, you see – really famous.

As it turned out, one of the producers of this film, Peter Davy, had something of a history when it came to the films he made, with his portfolio including such hits as ‘Dreams in the Forbidden Zone’, ‘Voodoo Lust: The Possession’ and the rather-more-obviously-titled but, shockingly enough, still an adult film ‘Bun Sisters 12′.

But before the world does actually implode in the apparent knowledge that an underage girl auditioned for porn to help kickstart her career of fame and fortune, like that hasn’t ever happened before, we have to point out that the movie Ali auditioned for, ‘Troll‘, is categorically not anything to do with the adult entertainment industry.

Though it does have adults involved in its creation and it is actually entertainment, so, maybe we could go with: ‘Ali Lohan entering adult entertainment industry’ as a line. Though we don’t really want to be sued that much.

No, what Ali Lohan auditioned for was a role in a low budget potential crapothon remake of an 80s fantasy film, with a lead character called Turok. And that’s about it. It’s a story that can be summed up in one or two sentences, and one that can be resolved in less than a paragraph.

Yet because it involves:

a) The internets, and

b) The mention of porn

It becomes a whirling dervish of a story, decimating all the entertainment sites and forums it comes across, leaving nothing but confused readers in its wake. It’s testament to how downright pathetic this whole thing can be sometimes.

Either that or we’re just moaning because we’ve fallen into the trap of covering the ’story’ and feel like having something of a ‘pot kettle black’ rant.

Fortunately, we can all rest easy in the thought that Ali did indeed get the part. Unfortunately she probably won’t be taking the role, seeing as her mother, Dina Lohan, has decided she’s going to kill everyone involved in the production of it (according to TMZ, at least, ‘heads will roll’). Seriously – you make a few porn films, audition a young girl for a new movie and her mother finds out then goes mental – what has the world come to?

Why? Because even though 13-year-old Ashley Kaufmann – the girl apparently sired by Michael Lohan during a month-long affair – was raised in a completely separate environment to Lindsay Lohan and Ali Lohan, she's still labouring under the mistaken belief that she's going to be a huge pop star.

According to reports, Ashley Kaufmann is busy trying to crack the music industry and has already made a number of approaches to record companies. Poor Ashley Kaufmann – we wonder if she's realised that she's genetically predestined to end up face down in a pile of drugs midway through an emotionally hollow Dionysian pansexual orgy yet. 

Call it a hunch, but we get the feeling that Michael Lohan likes women of an unbearably obnoxious bent. Why? Because he managed to have three children with Dina Lohan – a stage-mother so determined to live her life vicariously through her offsprings' psychologically demanding acting and singing careers that they made a TV show about her – and now it turns out that he might have had another kid with a woman named Kristi Kaufmann.

Now, we have no idea who Kristi Kaufmann is – other than the fact that she had a month-long affair with Michael Lohan while he was married and possibly became pregnant with his child – but she's clearly a force to be reckoned with.

Just a few days after her daughter Ashley Kaufman was outed as a possible illegitimate Lohan sister, Kristi Kaufmann has managed to get the teenager's photo into OK! and In Touch magazine and big up her nascent career as a recording artist all in one go. Here's MSNBC with more:

Alleged illegitimate Lohan sister Ashley Kaufmann, is reportedly trying to follow in the footsteps of her possible half-sisters Lindsay and Ali by approaching studios about cutting a record deal. A record-industry insider says, “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali.” A Lohan family source adds, “Ashley’s singing ability just proves that the family talent comes from Michael (Lohan), not Dina Lohan.”

Now it'd be highly irresponsible of us to single out an individual member of the Lohan family to attribute that last quote to, but let's have a go anyway – "the family talent comes from Michael, not Dina Lohan." Who could have possibly said that? No, we give up. Was it Dina?

Anyway, you know what? We're actually looking forward to hearing Ashley Kaufmann's music, because that's the only way we'll truly discover whether she's a Lohan or not. Yes, we know that the results of Michael Lohan's DNA test will come back long before Ashley actually releases anything, but we all know in our heart of hearts that Ashley Kaufmann won't be a real Lohan until she's recorded a song about what an uncaring dick Michael Lohan is.

Lindsay Lohan is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia), with Kylie's and Rihanna's back catalogue the inspiration behind her new record. Lohan said:

"I want it to be dance. I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I've already done three songs. I'm doing my third in New York, actually."

Now, although you may be thinking that it would be a pointless task traveling to New York to finish a song she’s just told us she’s already finished, don’t have a go at her. How about you just put your cynical self to the side for just one moment and wish her all the best? Why not spread a bit of love for a change?

Would you take the piss out of Steven Hawking if he tried to stand up by himself? No, you wouldn’t, so why take the piss out of Lindsay trying to sing? 

Upon being asked as to whether any of her new songs would reflect the troubles of her past year, Lohan said:

"I'm not sure yet, I don't know if I really want to (reflect on them). I think the past is the past and it should be kept there. It's a new slate for me and I want to show that in my new record."

And that’s her prerogative, guys. Shame though, because we were all looking forward to such classics as 'Woke up this morning saw my chuff in the paper’, ‘They told me to go to rehab, I said sure, sure, sure’ and ‘Like A Virgin, Touched For The 5,000th time’.

That’s all well and good and hilarious, but it’s also quite cruel when you think about it. Just like it was when reports of a sex video starring her were leaked on the internet. How would you feel if a grainy image of you eating Callum Best’s dirty fudgestick was circling the internet? The humiliation would surely be enough to drive you to stupidity too.

So let's all forget about how rubbish she is at most things, and try focusing on the positive aspects.

Feel free to point them out below.

Read more – Lindsay wants to be Kylie – The Daily Telegraph