Saturday’s X Factor was quarter-final night, and Lloyd was still in it. Weird, huh? Next week’s X Factor is semi-final night.
And Lloyd won’t be in it, which is clearly either brilliant or terrible, depending on whether you’re a screechy 14-year-old girl or not. Abut anyway, Saturday’s X Factor marked the moment when the contestants started to sing two songs in each episode. That’s excellent, because it means they can show off two sides of their personality – the side that can maul ballads and the side that can maul other songs. Excellent.
Anyway, you’ll be wanting an X Factor recap, won’t you…
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Notice how the sun’s not shining quite as brightly today? Notice how everyone looks considerably more miserable today?
It’s because Jedward were kicked off X Factor last night. And Lloyd wasn’t. Honestly, people are stupid. Anyway, last night’s X Factor was George Michael night and, by and large, it was a gigantic disappointment. We were looking forward to seeing Olly doze off behind the wheel of a Range Rover and Danyl masturbate furiously inside a public lavatory. Didn’t happen. Heartbroken.
Still, at least the X Factor recap is here to cheer us up…
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Last night Jamie Archer was kicked out of X Factor, and our weekends just aren’t going to be the same ever again.
Admittedly that’s because there’s now going to be a space of two minutes during our weekends where we won’t hunt our living room for some knitting needles to jam into our ears, but still. Jamie Archer left X Factor on Queen Night which, if you didn’t know, also doubles as Deliberately Make Freddie Mercury Try To Curse Brian May From Beyond The Grave Night.
But, hey, let’s give you that X Factor recap you’ve been gasping for, eh?
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X Factor has ditched Lucie Jones. And it hasn’t ditched John And Edward. We feel dirty saying this, but we want to kiss Simon Cowell on his face.
But anyway, Saturday’s X Factor was Songs From The Movies night. And, in fact, it was the first episode of X Factor where all the contestants chose to perform numbers from the same movie – a 1983 VHS home recording of a feral street cat being repeatedly punched in the testicles. Or that’s what it sounded like, at least. We might be wrong.
Anyway, you came here for an X Factor recap, so let’s give you one…
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X Factor‘s Rock Night on Saturday wasn’t very good for Rachel Adedeji, because it finally saw them get the boot from the show.
But they didn’t get the worst deal of it. No, that would be us. Because we had to watch the poxy thing. Honestly, we think ‘Rock Night’ might have been a typo – surely it was really called Cock Night or Suck Night or Let’s Transparently Try And Make Jamie Look Better Than He Actually Is Night. Yick.
Anyway, let’s have a bit of an X Factor recap, shall we?
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Time for us to recap X Factor – the show so preposterous that it makes 2012 look like a low-budget Scandinavian arthouse film about lesbians.
As you probably saw last night Miss Frank became the latest contestant to leave X Factor. And it was a shock – specifically because the British public had the chance to forget about Danyl Johnson forever, and they blew it. Idiots.
Anyway, Saturday’s X Factor was Big Band night, which is historically the least unbearable show of the series. So let’s have a little recap, shall we?
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Last night Ricky Loney was eliminated from X Factor. Hopefully you didn’t form a close attachment to him. Oh, of course you didn’t – he was arse-awful.
But aside from that gigantic inevitability, what else happened on X Factor this weekend? Well, Whitney Houston was the guest mentor, so the theme was obviously Diva Night. We heard it was going to be Ludicrous Former Crack-Addict Hasbeens Who Need Weird-Haired Frank Butcher Lookalike Sidekicks To Keep Them Upright, but that was found to be slightly too niche.
Anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do this weekend? Time for that recap you’ve all been waiting for…
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Good news – the X Factor live finals are back! Better news – Kandy Rain were kicked off. Jesus on a stick, they were crap.
But, hey, at least X Factor is back, and keeping current, too – one week after the Strictly Come Dancing racism row, Dannii Minogue decided to kick off an X Factor homophobia row of her own. We can’t wait for Dancing On Ice to return now because, if the pattern holds, Philip Schofield might just say something horrifying about Albanians.
But anyway, how did the X Factor contestants do? Let’s have a wonderful recap, shall we?
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