Elizabeth Hurley and Shane Warne are one of the oddest celebrity couples around. She, a posho Daily Mail wet-dream and he, a balding slightly overweight impossibly toothed ball lobber. That said, Paul Abdul once advised that opposites attract, as she proved with her love affair with a rapping cartoon cat.

Warne, we’re told, is ‘quite the swordsman’, yet, this isn’t some tempestuous affair. Startlingly, it’s actually love. We’ve read about ‘love’. It sounds horrible.

And not only is it this ‘love’ thing, Liz Hurley is actually saying that this romance was love at first sight.

Hurley has decided to finally talk about her weird relationship, which came to fruition after she dumped her husband Arun Nayar several months earlier. Not that she told anyone about it. The selfish shit.

And now she’s divorced, she’s now able to rub Nayar’s nose in it by talking about how wonderful Warne is.

She bleats on:

“We come from very different worlds so I see that’s fascinating, if not odd, to many. But it’s not often you meet people you instantly feel comfortable with, and when you find that – even if there are vast differences in background and experiences – it’s worth following through.”

Wait. She doesn’t mean that kind of ‘following through’ does she? This relationship isn’t a bit ‘Scatman John’ is it?

“When you recognise you have a lot in common with someone it’s nice to explore. The biggest problem is we’re 23 hours apart. It’s a challenge. We’ll see what happens.”

For the sake of future stories, we hope that Warne is having sex with loads of people behind her back because that would be splendid.

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You know how Elizabeth Hurley has (allegedly) been mucking around on Shane Warne’s sticky wicket? And you know how she told everyone that she had split-up with her husband Arun Nayar? You know she said she had already told her family that she’d dumped him?

Well she hasn’t.

After saying she’d separated from Arun “months ago” after she was caught buffing Warney’s golden duck (that didn’t work at all did it?), she insists that much of what has been said about her future – by her – is untrue.

She tweeted:

“Bored now of silly speculations: no one is divorcing anyone yet, no one is fighting over money and I have no plans to go to Australia. Enough!”

So what about all that business with sending cryptic “special licks” to Australia’s tubby, slightly balding cricketing god? It’s a load of cobblers and we shouldn’t read anything into it or something. Of course, we will do nothing other than read into it a cackle like pervs at the schoolgate… but we shouldn’t, okay?

A source said:

“Liz never mentioned she was seeing anybody when she met her in-laws in October. The family is actually glad they have separated.”

Hurley tweeted:

“Painful, sad days. Arun & I separated for private reasons but FTR he has been a great father to our son Damian & will always be in his life.”

So she is getting divorced then? Sounds like it to us. Not that we care. We have to feign interest because that’s our job. Maybe Liz Hurley could spice this up a bit by getting off with Divine Brown in a lay-by or something. That’d be more fun. C’mon Liz you shit!

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Remember when everyone used to fancy Liz Hurley? She was the posh English rose who looked like she was absolute filth and erupted the nation’s trousers by appearing in a safety pin dress and getting cheated-on by Hugh Grant who decided to get a nosh from Divine Brown.

Basically, there was a time when she was the Princess Diana it was socially acceptable to say that you’d like to bum her or something.

After a string of impressively poor films, she faded away, only to appear in gossip rags when she was dating some inexplicably average looking wealthy bloke. And now, she’s all set to puzzle men the world over as she’s allegedly swapping bodily fluids with a chubby Australian cricketer who does adverts for hair growth products. That’s right, it looks like she’s been getting off with Shane Warne.

While this news is baffling, it could be seen as a good thing. Basically, it means that you can be quite ugly and have your gut spilling over the top of your jeans and still be in with a chance of porking Liz Hurley… as long as you don’t mind having sex with a supporter of the Conservative party.

Over the weekend, some tabloid who doesn’t link to us when they pinch our articles, so we’re not sending them any traffic either, published pictures of Hurley and Warne in positions that would have you believe that they are both ‘romantically involved’.

This saw everyone leaping to their feet in disgust, saying that she was a bad human for shagging someone behind her husband’s back.

And so, to Twitter, the thing celebrities take to when they need to set the record straight, which saw Hurley mewing about how she had separated from her Indian tycoon husband Arun Nayar ‘a few months ago’.

‘Not a great day. For the record, my husband Arun & I separated a few months ago. Our close family & friends were aware of this.’

The tabloid said:

‘Hurley and Warne roared with laughter and chatted like old friends during the lively meal in a first-floor room. And at 1am they were spotted going down the escalator to the lobby area.

‘While they waited for their coats to be brought to them Hurley reportedly pulled Warne towards her into a darkened doorway, cupped his face with her hands and leaned in to lock lips.

‘After releasing from their clinch they gazed into each other’s eyes and smiled adoringly.’

Who actually talks like that? Apart from gossiping pricks, obviously.

Of course, this doesn’t mean anything, right? WRONG. The odd couple where also spotted exchanging saliva and grunting in each other’s ears like barnyard animals at the cricketer’s £1,750-a-night suite at the Bentley Hotel in South Kensington.

Then, they locked themselves away for more than 11 hours. They were either dossing about watching the snooker or they were having so much sex that it actually set light to both of their genitals. Imagine the putrid smell of burning hair, especially that of Warne’s, regrown and thickened by the good people of the Advanced Pube Studio.

The couple have been flirting via animals too.

In one tweet, in what seems to be a coded message from a dog, Hurley tells Warne:

‘Sammy sends you a special lick and says he’d like to put his silky head on your shoulder.’

A special lick? What on earth could that possibly mean? Does Liz Hurley like smearing Mr Dog on boyfriend’s nutsacks and beckoning Sammy to come in and lick it clean?

Maybe that is why Hurley split up with her tycoon husband. He just wasn’t prepared to involve animals in his sex life.

And if you’re a lawyer reading this, please note that much of this article is a joke and meant to be funny and in no way meant to seriously imply that Liz Hurley likes to have sex with dogs. Shane Warne, we’re not so sure about however. He’s probably up for anything, the dirty bugger.

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If you see Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley, you’re bound to want to take a picture of them.

That’s just basic logic at work – your choices are essentially limited to taking a picture of Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley or approaching them and saying “Hi, I really loved you in Music And Lyrics/ Passenger 57.” And only the very worst kind of pathological liar would think to do that last one.

But wait – don’t go taking pictures of Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley without their permission, because they’ll sue you and win £58,000, which is what happened yesterday after a photo agency took their picture on holiday. The moral of this story is that Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley value their privacy, although clearly not enough to stop making films and doing modelling jobs. Even though everyone sort of wishes they would.

We feel sorry for celebrities sometimes. Holidays should be a time for them to relax and unwind, but the current celebrity-obsessed culture means that there’ll always be an interest in them wherever they are on the planet. What kind of a world do we live in when a celebrity can’t even angrily shout at a child until it cries without it ending up in a newspaper? It’s disgusting.

Not even Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley are safe from this level of media intrusion. Although one of them is determined to keep churning out ever more creepy romantic comedies to growing public indifference and the other doesn’t really do anything, it didn’t stop a photographer from secretly snapping them on holiday together in a private resort in the Maldives recently.

Photographs? On holiday? Without permission? Surely people are only allowed to do that if they then track you down an hour later with the photo digitally printed onto a flimsy plastic plate and try to make you buy it for £35 while shouting “souvenir” at you in a funny accent.

Apparently so, because Hugh Grant, Liz Hurley and her husband Arun Nayar have just managed to sue Big Pictures for £58,000 in damages after it sold the secret holiday photos of them to newspapers.

Of course the newspapers were interested in the photographs because a) Hugh Grant, his ex-girlfriend Liz Hurley and her husband Arun Nayar went on holiday together? That’s a bit fruity, and b) The papers got to rock out some truly hopeless headlines because of it. The Times reports:

[Lawyer] Laura Tyler told Mr Justice Eady that the photos were taken covertly without their knowledge while they were on holiday in a resort which they had chosen for the privacy and seclusion it offered. “It has been most upsetting for the claimants to have their privacy invaded by these defendants,” she said… News Group published three of the photos in News of the World in an article headed “Liz does the blokey-cokey”. Associated published four photos in The Mail on Sunday in an article headed “Hugh’s that gooseberry?”.

So congratulations to Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley for winning their lawsuit. After all, everyone knows that when someone takes your photograph they steal a little bit of your soul, which is why Hugh and Liz have fought so hard over these holiday snaps. True, having sat through American Dreamz and Double Whammy we’re not entirely convinced that Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley actually had souls to begin with, but let’s not rain on their special moment right now.

Read more:

Liz Hurley, Hugh Grant and Arun Nayar win damages for invasion of privacy – Times

Stop the clocks. Cut off the telephone. Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.

Deep down, we at hecklerspray knew this day would inevitably have to come at some point but we tried to tell ourselves otherwise. We lied to ourselves to stop the hurt. But now there’s so much hurt it’s coming out of our ears and dripping onto the floor. Mrs. Hecklerspray will need to get the hoover out.

Are you sitting down? Please sit. Take a deep breath before continuing.

Liz Hurley is giving up acting.

It’s alright. Let it out. This is no time to be a man. Let those tears fall. This is a sad day for all of us. It’s like August 1997 all over again. From Metro:

“Filming is very hard with a child, and I found I wasn't able to be a good mum and do movies,” she said. “I decided I couldn't really do movies any more, which was a huge decision because I love making movies.”

And we loved watching you in them, Liz. Really we did. From Permanent Midnight to Serving Sara, everything you touched seemed to turn to straight-to-DVD gold.  

Liz, by the way, hasn’t made a film since 2004’s Method. We just assumed she was taking a break from acting and were waiting with baited breath for her return to the bargain bucket bin at Blockbuster. Now the worst has been confirmed a little bit of us has gone away, never to return.

Farewell to thee, Liz. You shall be missed. But we will never forget. Never forget.

Surely someone must have set up a help line by now? We’ll keep you updated on that front but until then hecklerspray is going to curl up in a ball and watch 2002’s Bad Boy on repeat until our eyes bleed.

Read more:

Liz Hurley Quits Acting – Metro

[story by Callum de Caestecker] 

Ready for some more chances to make money from unhappy celebrities? Step right up.

We’re starting 2008 as we mean to go on, by crossing our fingers really hard and hoping that just about every celebrity couple in the land gets divorced and spends the rest of their lives wallowing about in abject near-suicidal misery just so we can make £12.50 from a lucky stab at a bet. And when we say ‘we’ we really mean ‘you’. It’s £12.50 that you didn’t have before, at least.

So here are the celebrity divorce betting odds for Jordan and Peter Andre, Madonna and Guy Ritchie, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Liz Hurley and Arun Nayar and Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil. Help, as ever, comes from Paddy Power…

Jordan & Peter Andre – Surely – surely – Jordan and Peter Andre are prime candidates for the first celebrity divorce filing of 2008. Anyone who had the misfortune to stumble across their ITV2 chatshow will know exactly why – if it has any basis whatsoever in the real world, Jordan and Peter Andre’s marriage consists of nothing but Jordan droning “Oh shut up you pointless wanker” whenever Peter Andre even looks like he’s thinking about opening his mouth. There’d be pros and cons to a Jordan/ Peter Andre divorce, though – although it’d mean Jordan would be back on the prowl for innocent young reality TV stars to corrupt, at least it’d put an end to the pair of them churning out horrible duets. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 8/1

Madonna & Guy Ritchie – We’ll admit that we weren’t expecting to see Madonna and Guy Ritchie stay together for this long, because we never had Madonna down as a woman who plays with her food before she eats it. What with Guy Ritchie’s stalled career and Madonna’s fierce determination to adopt all the sad-eyed babies in the world adding to the existing rumours of marriage counselling and separate bedrooms, it looks like it really might be curtains for Madonna and Guy Ritchie in 2008. And if that sparks Guy Ritchie’s thoughtful cinematic meditation on the intangible ache of love lost then so be it. Because it’ll be rubbish and we’ll have fun kicking the life out of it. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 6/1

Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie – Now, despite these short odds, we can’t see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie divorcing at all this year. Is that down to the fact that Angelina Jolie’s well of humanitarian goodwill means that it’ll be impossible for Brad Pitt to fall out of love with her? No. Is it because both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie understand that a two-parent family will be the best upbringing for their rainbow-coloured band of adopted children? No. It’s because – even though hardly a week passes without reports of tensions between the couple – Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren’t actually bloody married, you plebs. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 4/1

Liz Hurley & Aran Nayar – Imagine a world where Liz Hurley and Aran Nayar got divorced. Just imagine it. Imagine the blow to the foundations of our very consciousness that would happen if two people who we’d forgotten were even married got divorced in 2008. We don’t know if we could take it, especially if we wouldn’t recognise one of them even if they marched around town in a big hat with the words ‘I Am Aran Nayar’ written on it in neon tubing, followed by the thousand-strong Aran Nayar Chorus singing Theme From Aran Nayar through bus-sized loudspeakers. No, we wouldn’t be able to cope with that at all. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 11/4

Amy Winehouse & Blake Fielder-Civil – No shit, Sherlock. Last year Amy Winehouse married Blake Fielder-Civil and instantly transformed from a slightly odd-looking drunkard into a toothless self-harming drug-addict with a husband in prison on suspicion of beating up a man so badly that he needed to have metal plates inserted into his head. If this spiral holds its pattern, it’ll either end in divorce or death. And since it’s much easier for pithily sarcastic British entertainment blogs to make off-colour jokes about divorce than death, we’re hoping it’ll be the former. That said, we do have a whole lot of death jokes stockpiled. You should cross your fingers that Amy gets pecked to death by an emu, because that baby’s a doozy. Current 2008 divorce betting odds – 2/1

Tomorrow: Betting odds for that new Big Brother show! We think! But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power celebrity divorce betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.