Do you have one of those face things? You do? Bit of a mess, is it? Like an angry bollock with all weird bits of hair and spots and stuff?

Bet you’ve got a lovely personality though. Bit of a charmer, a wit, could have all the ladies in the world if it wasn’t for the unfortunate looking hatstand on your shoulders.

What you need is Dating in the Dark, a Living TV extravaganza, where the rules would only need explaining if you were a total idiot. So listen up. Three boys, three girls all say hello to each other in the dark. They then each choose someone to go on a ‘date’ with. In the dark.

After three rounds of dating, during which the natural charm of the uglies rears its head and they giggle their way to touchy-feely bliss.

The laughable part comes at the end, when the entire premise of the show is turned upside down and they have to, uh, look at each other. Through a two-way mirror. So they don’t have to hide their revulsion that the guy they’ve just been necking with is – eww – ginger!

After seeing what they look like, they can ask each other on a date, which the other either accepts and yay, love. Or, er, wanders off and leaves the ugly sod even more convinced that it’s their horrific looks that are stopping them from having a relationship, even though they’ve just plucked up the courage to ask the selfish, selfish bitch out on a date in front of millions (actually, it’s Living, so hundreds) of viewers.

Watching a despondent chap’s head drop as he sees the girl he’s been kissing all night wander off because she’d rather be alone and fiddling with herself over James Corden presenting Never Mind the Buzzcocks than spend another minute with his stupid ginger face – beautiful.

I’m not ginger.

Or ugly. My mum said so.

This was a guest post by Nik Johnson from Shouting At Cows, who may very well be both of those things

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Excuse us actually – it appears our wording there was a bit off. Old ladies secretly living in the closets of younger men has never been state sanctioned in Japan – but it recently happened anyway.

And for an entire year too.

There was a Japanese man content living in his apartment alone. About a year ago he left home but failed to lock the door, so a homeless old lady moved into his closet and lived there secretly for about a year.

CNN has the scoop:

“The resident of the home installed security cameras that transmitted images to his mobile phone after becoming puzzled by food disappearing from his kitchen over the past several months. One of the cameras captured someone moving inside his home Thursday after he had left, and he called police, believing it was a burglar. However, when they arrived, they found the door locked and all windows closed.”

Puzzling, right? Well it shouldn’t be. We already told you how it ended. Furthermore, we have a quote from the police spokesman:

“We searched the house … checking everywhere someone could possibly hide. When we slid open the shelf closet, there she was, nervously curled up on her side.”

The lady went as far as moving a mattress into his closet drawer or whatever it was she was living in. Also she had a coffee pot up there, a soup cooker, a small fridge and over 200 varieties of fruit roll-up. That sweet sticky goodness was always her weakness, she can be quoted as saying.

Or she can’t. Actually we made up everything past mattress – but still, the woman had an entire sleeping apparatus up there and the guy didn’t know for all that time. Strange.

We sympathise with him actually. We had a very similar experience, except instead of a homeless lady living in our closet we had one dismembered in our freezer. In our defence she came with the apartment, and we reported it to the proper authorities once we realised our landlord was charging us for two. We’re not paying for that.

Seriously, our budget won’t allow it.

Read More:

Homeless Woman Who Lived Undetected in Japanese Man’s Closet for a Year Caught – Fox News

Thanks to shows like X Factor, everyone and their dog (honestly, watch Britain’s Got Talent) believe they have what it takes to become the next pop icon/ business tycoon/ celebrity farmer that the world has been waiting for, but the fact is that many of us just aren’t all that good at stuff.

Britain’s Next Top Model is, as it says on the tin, searching high and low in this fair land to unearth the next supermodel, and if there’s one thing that you absolutely have to have here, it’s belief.

Shortly after meeting the 14 finalists who will literally fight for the modelling contract on offer, we watch as mentor and former model Lisa Snowdon leads them into a room of people described as ‘industry professionals’ who will question their belief that they can win.

While lovable Lisa may look half pissed thanks to a crazy grin a la Private Benjamin era Goldie Hawn, she’s no fool, and her opening challenge soon shows why she aroused the passions of Hollywood intellectual George Clooney.

The first to take the stand is 18-year-old Aaron, who earlier revealed that she had ‘the full package’. Unfortunately, the package appears to have been lost in the mail, because Aaron makes the cardinal sin of admitting that she actually might not win the whole competition.

Although the ‘industry professional’ asking most of the questions is actually an overweight man dressed as a clown in a one-eyed Mexican wrestler’s mask, he seems to have some gravitas with this crowd, and as the words leave her mouth there is an audible intake of breath from the po-faced fashionistas.

Her fellow wannabes take note and try various ways of convincing the throng that they truly believe. Lisa goes for a stand up routine, posh girl Martha explains the exact geographical position of her family home, and Alex just brands poor old Aaron least likely to win (“I thought ‘you bitch’” Aaron later reveals).

By the end, not even an improved showing in the following day’s topless shoot can save Aaron from a place in the dreaded bottom two, and while Rachel and Lauren are deemed model material, she’s left standing with fellow dud Sophie.

Their tragic eyes glisten as Lisa lists their faults and prepares to dismiss one girl, but amazingly, Aaron avoids the axe. Lisa and the judges have decided she’s got the necessary belief after all, while Sophie lacks ‘versatility’.

A devastated Sophie later reveals that she thought she deserved to stay in the competition ‘because I don’t think Aaron wants it that much’, but she isn’t going to ever give up because she wants it so bad.

It’s that belief you see – it gets them (and us) every time. We’ll have to watch the second one now. Damn.

[story by Sam Landers]

According to Buckingham Palace officials, who have taken into account the exact time Queen Victoria – Liz’s great-great grandmother and now ex-record holder – was born, our own current Queen became the oldest ‘serving’ monarch at 5pm this afternoon.

Queen Victoria was born on May 24th 1819 and died on January 22 1901, and only lived for 81 years, seven months and 29 days. But today Liz has pissed all over that record and made it look like the life of a daddy longlegs in comparison to her own legacy – a mammoth 81 years, seven months, 29 days and five minutes!

Along with her 60th wedding anniversary with Prince Phillip, it’s the second time this month that the Queen has been banging on the doors of the Guinness world record fellows. However, she still has some way to go before she beats Victoria as the longest-reigning British monarch. That accolade would be achieved should Liz 2 still be throning it up on September 9 2015.

If her mother was anything to go by, that record’ll be as easy to achieve as wiping a harlot of a daughter-in-law off the face of the planet with one click of her fingers (something that Queen Liz has never attempted, to her great credit).

During Queen Victoria’s life, she managed to survive the traumas of no less than three assassination attempts – the first an attempt by 18-year-old Edward Oxford, who fired two shots whilst the then Queen was riding in a carriage with Prince Albert in London. Both missed the target (though rumour has it one pierced Albert's bell-end) and, remarkably, he was acquitted of High Treason on the grounds of insanity. 

And it’s been a tough four score and one and a bit for Liz as well; she’s had to read one whole speech each year, she has – on more than one occasion – had to ask one of her servants to wipe Corgi shit of her Persian rug and the pain she must have felt when she first saw Charles’ face as it strained out her stretched royal vagina… well, we’ll never know.

So well done to you, Lizzy, on behalf of all at hecklerspray. God has certainly been listening each time we belt out our National Anthem before our work here starts each morning.

Here’s to another 81 years!

Read more:

Queen takes Victoria longevity mark – Press Association