If Jay-Z really is getting married to Beyonce soon, there'd better be an open bar at the reception – it's not like he can't afford it.

Following similar deals with Madonna and The Rollings Stones, Live Nation has signed up Jay-Z. And if you were wondering what price you'd get a past-his-best, commercially-stagnating rapper for these days, the answer is clear $150 million.

$150 million might sound like a lot for Live Nation to pay for Jay-Z, but don't forget that these Live Nation contracts don't just involve recordings – it'll have a slice of everything from Jay-Z's concert tickets to merchandise sales to 'entrepreneurial concepts' as well. Plus on Christmas Eve and the Queen's birthday one lucky Live Nation executive gets to briefly look at Beyonce's knickers. Money well spent, we're sure.

With the music industry falling to pieces, crumbling under a tidal wave of illegal downloads and videogames and people not wanting to pay £20 for a CD just because it's got a folded-up poster inside it, it seems like everyone's flailing around looking for new business models. Acts are hawking their music at coffee shops or doing confusing internet price-reduction systems or, worse, being Nine Inch Nails – and nobody really has a clue about the future.

Nobody, that is, except for Live Nation. Live Nation knows that the only way to make any money from the music business any more is to forget about CDs and just charge everyone £25 million for a concert ticket instead. It's a system that Live Nation seems confident with, because it's already signed Madonna up for a decade and inflicted U2 on us for another 12 years – and now it's doing the same with Jay-Z.

Jay-Z has signed over more or less everything he'll ever do in the future to Live Nation in return for $150 million or, as he prefers to call it, one pair of quite nice shoes. Time reports:

In a $150 million deal certain to rock what remains of the record industry, Jay-Z has announced plans to depart Def Jam records and give the totality of his creative output — from songs to touring revenue to un-hatched entrepreneurial ideas — to concert promotion behemoth Live Nation… Live Nation is expected to furnish Jay-Z, born Shawn Carter, with $5 million in seed money annually for his own label, publishing arm and management company, with significantly more funds available for future acquisitions and expansion. He will also receive a $25 million upfront payment and $10 million per album for a minimum of three albums over the next decade.

Looking at those figures, it's no surprise that Jay-Z accepted Live Nation's offer. But as amazing as this deal looks, there are also some downsides. For instance, in the event of Jay-Z fathering a child, his contract states that the baby must be called I Love Live Nation and be fitted with a microchip that plays up-to-the-minute audio commercials for Live Nation concerts at three billion decibels every second that it's awake. Plus, you know, it means Jay-Z shares a label with U2. Yeurgh.

Of course, the importance of the deal is far greater than Madonna's or U2's because, up until recently, Jay-Z was in charge of a traditional record label. For him to jump ship to Live Nation so readily must mean that he fully believes in the Live Nation business model.

And, who knows, once word gets out that Live Nation is the way forward, maybe it'll even be able to sign an act that isn't at least a decade past its best work.

Read more:

Jay-Z: Music's $150 Million Dollar Man – Time 

U2 are all getting on a bit now, so you'd think that they'd be planning to kick the whole music thing in the head.

After all, there are so many other things like U2 could be doing, like saving Africa or ending poverty or halting climate change or having a lovely bath or paying someone to mash their food up in a bowl for them or dicking around Dublin in silly hats.

But no. Instead U2 have signed a deal with Live Nation. A 12-year deal. 12 years. 12 more years of U2. 12 cocking years of U bastard 2 flying around the world and being all smug and singing their rubbish songs. Thrilled. Seriously.

Rude bastard, that Bono. Bono was Time's Man Of The Year a while back and he's been given an honorary knighthood. But neither of these were for his music, because any old sod can rhyme 'fly' and 'high' and 'sky' and wear a pair of fancy sunglasses. Instead Bono won these awards for literally being the only man on the planet who ever does any good stuff or helps people or understands the poor. Literally.

So if you were Bono, wouldn't you consider it rude to have to stop literally saving the world from evil and poverty and destruction and badness every few years to get together with U2 to record a bunch of songs that all mostly sound the same and then jet around the world singing them over and over again while the world literally gets noticeably worse because you're not literally holding it together with your fingernails?

Actually, it doesn't matter what you think because thankfully there's only one Bono around, and that's Bono. And Bono obviously doesn't consider it rude to neglect the world while he tits around with U2 because U2 have just signed a 12-year deal with Live Nation. BBC reports:

Irish rockers U2 have signed a 12-year deal with concert promoter Live Nation to handle the band's merchandising, digital and branding rights… U2 will continue to release records through Universal Music. "We've been dating for over 20 years now," said singer Bono. "It's about time we tied the knot." Live Nation has managed U2's tours since 1980.  Financial details of the deal have not been disclosed. "U2 are doing their best work right now, on record and in concert," said the band's manager Paul McGuinness. "The opportunity to integrate U2 and Live Nation's vision of the future is a great extension of our established business."

Think of how old you'll be in 12 years. Maybe you'll have children by then. Maybe, if you've got children, they'll have moved out of home. Maybe you'll be promoted, headhunted, demoted, fired or diagnosed with a horrible illness by then. Maybe there'll be a war, or a flood, or an asteroid attack. You'll almost certainly be balder. But at least now you know that there'll be a constant. A tiny Irish constant that wears sunglasses indoors and keeps banging on about Africa and releasing records that sound identical to the last album it released. U2 will be your constant. What a shit constant.

More worrying, though, is the emerging pattern from Live Nation. First it takes Madonna – an artist who everyone thought was on the brink of retirement – and gives her loads of money to keep performing for another decade. And now it's done the same thing with U2 – an act who've already been together for 32 years. Live Nation, we're warning you now – if you so much as think about talking to Bon Jovi, we're going to really be rather upset.

Read more:

U2 sign 12-year Live Nation deal – BBC