Have you heard about the live action version of Akira that’s going to hit the cinema screens? Isn’t that the most wonderful news you’ve ever heard? It’s not like the original was perfect or anything stupid like that.

There’s even better news! Supreme dullard Kristen Stewart has been offered a role in the Akira adaptation too! Ain’t that grand?

Yes. We live in a world where someone who has played a major part in the Twilight movies and they still get job offers, despite the fact they are so crashingly tedious that air stagnates around their head every time they slowly bat a dry eyelid. However, all is not lost. We have just the role for Kristen, should she land the Akira gig.

The Breaking Dawn actress is in line to play the part of Kei in Jaume Collet-Sera’s remake of the Manga classic, which is insultingly obvious. However, it isn’t a done deal yet and there’s still time for the producers to listen to us who really know what we’re talking about, regarding absolutely everything.

Before we get onto that, Helena Bonham Carter and Gary Oldman have also been offered roles as Lady Miyako and The Colonel, okay? Right.

And before we get to Kristen’s perfect role, there’s THE BRILLIANT news that the original setting of ‘Neo-Tokyo’ will changed to ‘New Manhattan’ for the remake.

That’s great isn’t it? Really kicking barrow-loads of joy into your day. Even stupid, beige-a-tron Keira Knightley has been linked to the film. You’ve seen the gripingly dreadful Domino? No? Go watch it immediately and then start a vendetta.

Anyway, because Kristen Stewart emotes like a mop-bucket which has had a stroke, there’s only one thing she’s going to be able to do convincingly.

And that is to be pumped up and mutated to the point where you’ll delight yourself with your ability to produce pre-sick water. THAT’S RIGHT! She should totally play the role of the transformed Tetsuo!

Christ. She could even make the following scene dull, couldn’t she?

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Is nothing from our childhoods sacred?

The prospect of a movie based on the ancient and well-regarded cartoon The Smurfs was hardly something that had filled us with joy.

It made hecklerspray let out a trademark sigh as we looked forward to another summer of movies single-handedly decimating the best years of our lives.

But this week the news suddenly became plain ridiculous, when it was revealed the upcoming Smurfs movie, apparently still in the works even though everyone had forgotten about it, will be – wait for it – live action.

Live action with sprinklings of CGI!!! Like the recent Alvin and the Chipmunks movie.

Oh dear!!! Apparently, as Variety reports, David Stern and David Weiss, the authors behind the last two installments of Shrek, are in talks to write the screenplay.

So far, there is no word on who will direct it, when it will be released and what it will be about. But that is almost comforting.

Now, you know we at the ‘spray aren’t ones to bitch – far from it.

In fact, we’re positive guiding lights of glory in the world today. But this has to rank among some of the most insane ideas ever. What in the (literal) blue hell are they going to do with it?

Have tiny CGI Smurfs invading a human-populated locale? Are they going to use midgets? Is Lindsay Lohan going to put on a blue costume and slut it up with all the other blue horndogs?

Time will tell.

You see, what was originally meant to be a cartoon remake has turned into a live action, CGI affair. Both of these options are welcome when reviving a beloved creation, as long as due care and attention is paid to the source material.

But part-CGI, part-live action smacks of either pending incredible failure or the chance to terrify a whole new generation.

Tiny blue computer-generated men (and a girl) hanging around with people? Or just, well, blue people? The thought is too much for fragile minds to take on board.

But at least it cannot be as terrifying as this, no matter how tight the Papa Smurf costume may be.