Hecklerspray » listen

Azealia Banks Samples Aaliyah On Pretty Boring New Song (Listen Here!)

Mof Gimmers — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:00:35 +0000

Azealia Banks is attractive, ballsy and is responsible for some outrageously fun tunes. 212 was a thrilling slice of pop which had one of the filthiest refrains in memory. And now, a new track is online (which you can hear below) which samples Aaliyah!

And so, talented newbie samples RnB legend? What could possibly go wrong?

Well, once you’ve heard it, you might be tempted to think ‘everything’. See, Azealia Banks has gone and made something really very boring indeed. Is she a case of all hype and no knickers? We should lower our hopes.

Banks’ new track is called ‘NEEDSUMLUV’. She posted it on her tumblr because she’s all modern and that.

The track samples Aaliyah’s ’96 single ‘One In A Million’, and is sure to get buried under sycophantic praise from all corners… that’s because the music rags are too scared to miss out on potentially the Next Big Thing and certainly don’t want to fall out with anyone on the rise, in case they hold a grudge and withhold all future complimentary tickets and freebie records.

‘NEEDSUMLUV’ is probably going to end up on her forthcoming debut album, which doesn’t have a name yet.

We’re not saying that it’s going to be lousy, but if NEEDSUMLUV features on it, then you can mark it under ‘filler’.

Can we have more in the seam of 212 or L8R please?

Ta.

Anyway, have a listen to the new track now and tell us how grotesquely off the mark we are about it.
NEEDSUMLUV (SXLND) by Azealia Banks

Previously Unreleased Song – She Smells So Nice – From The Doors Proves How Lousy Jim Morrison Really Was! (Listen)

Mof Gimmers — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 14:00:01 +0000

Too feeble to listen to actual impoverished black men playing the blues? Too weak-wristed to tackle some proper psychedelic music? Can’t be bothered penetrating good poetry? Like vague philosophical horsepiss? Welcome. You must be a fan of Jim Morrison and The Doors.

Of course, fans of The Doors are mere tourists into a lot of good things, dipping their toes into a world of culture before deciding that they’d much prefer a weaker, beiger version of the real deal while cooing about ‘whipping the horses eyes’ like it actually means something.

And these dithering, toothless idiots will be thrilled to learn that King Bozo & The Nerds are back with a new track from beyond the grave! That’s right! To mark the 40th anniversary of L.A. Woman album, Rhino have found an unreleased track from the sessions and YOU CAN HEAR IT WITH YOUR WORTHLESS, TUNE-HATING EARS!

Rhino are going to reissue L.A. Woman across two worthless discs with alternate takes including the terrible ‘Love Her Madly’, the cod-jazz of ‘Riders on the Storm’ and a new take of the pointlessly long title track.

However, what will get you simpletons excited is the never-before-heard original, ‘She Smells So Nice’.

What does she smell of? Well, if Morrison thinks it smells good, then chances are ‘she’ smells of stale fags, booze, heroin or semen floating in bath water.

Producer Bruce Botnick discovered ‘She Smells So Nice’ while reviewing the album’s session tapes for the reissue. His Tena Lady must have waterlogged immediately.

Anyway, you can hear it here.

Warning. It’s the typical white-boy bar-room blues choogle that you’d expect from a bunch of bearded no-marks clean out of ideas.

HAVE FUN!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Annie Lennox Shares Stress Relieving Tips (Note: Dave Stewart Is No Longer In Her Life)

Mof Gimmers — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 15:00:19 +0000

Imagine being Annie Lennox. Just think of that for a moment. Gah. It’s rubbish isn’t it? Just think, looking at Annie Lennox’s face in the mirror. Imagine hearing that voice coming out every time you spoke.

Imagine people saying “Hello Annie Lennox” at you. It’s enough to make you want to die.

Annie Lennox has noticed this too, opening up about her battle with panic attacks thanks to being Annie Lennox. However, she’s decided to share some tips with us all about getting over stress, panic and anxiety. You’ll notice that her life is a lot less Dave Stewart based these days, so we suspect the main tip would be “don’t ever work with Dave Stewart – have you heard that terrible cod-reggae album he’s made with Mick Jagger and Joss Stone?”

Appazzently, the former Eurythmics singer suffered from anxiety issues for years and admitted in some self-serving blog that she always felt “excruciating stage fright” before her shows. This anxiousness was very much in-line with anyone who bought tickets to see her perform too.

So what is this marvellous piece of stress-relieving wisdom?

In a blog post, entitled Beating Stress under Duress, she writes:

“I used to suffer quite badly from the fear of flying, but I seem to have managed to overcome this over the last few years. I practice a fairly simple technique. It’s called ‘F… It.’ And I invented it all by myself.”

Get that? Annie Lennox invented the notion of shrugging.

“Every time I went on stage to perform, I’d get excruciating stage fright. I’d have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it, particularly during the small hours of the night before. I don’t buy into the notion that it’s good to be nervous before you go on stage. It’s not good. It’s rubbish! For me, it’s essential to be relaxed.

“Fear creates tremendous blocks. We carry it around subliminally most of the time… so I just tell myself… ‘F… it’… and it seems to work a treat!”

Brilliant, just brilliant. Go and die already you bloated shitehawk. Should we feel guilty for saying that? Two words – FUCK IT.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Zelda, Mario, Toejam & Earl? What’s The Best Video Game Music Ever?

Mof Gimmers — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 13:00:23 +0000

Whether you like it or not, the vast majority of the world is made up of people who play video games in one way or another. Yet bafflingly, they’re still seen as a lesser cousin to the pop culture’s big three of music, movies and TV.

This surely has to stop?

Anyway, with a lovely orchestral score of the Zelda theme doing the rounds at the moment, we thought we’d have a look at the best music that has featured on video games. There’s a dazzling amount to choose from… so which have we gone for? Over the jump to listen and disagree.

Thanks to the small matter of the fact that there are around 230gazillion games in existence, we couldn’t even get close to remembering all of our favourite themes and pieces of incidental music.

And so, here’s a snapshot of what we can recall, the things suggested to us on twitter and blah blah.

We’ve tried to avoid games that had soundtracks licensed from proper bands, such as the FIFA franchise and the Grand Theft Auto games… but some may have sneaked in, but we’ll explain why later.

And so, here’s our list of the greatest pieces of music committed to video games. Feel free to submit your own in the comments or, if you prefer, throw all your ire at us because we didn’t include your favourite piece of music from Fantasy World Dizzy or Pitfighter.

>insert coin<

ZELDA

Zelda’s theme(s) are insanely iconic for gamers out there and here’s a rather lovely orchestrated version of it to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the game. If you prefer the original, then click here.

TOEJAM & EARL

While Toejam & Earl may be one of the oddest games to hit paydirt, it certainly had one of the funkiest soundtracks EVER. There was something of George Clinton about the skittery swing-funk that soundtracked the game. Here’s just one of many ace pieces of music you’d find.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

We’ve included the irritatingly catch Spring Yard Zone from the first Sonic game here, but to be honest, we could’ve included more than a dozen pieces of music from the franchise. Instead of doing that, we’ll direct you to the fine notion that Michael Jackson wrote the music for Sonic 3. More on that here.

OUT RUN

Surely everyone on Earth loves the arcade music from Out Run?

RED DEAD REDEMPTION

Despite being one of the most overrated games in history, there’s no denying that the moment you make it to Mexico, and Jose Gonzalez’s ‘So Far Away’ hits you, it’s a rather special moment in the annals of gaming. Yep, it’s a proper artist licensed to a game, but we just couldn’t avoid including it.

MONKEY ISLAND

There is ALWAYS time for a little cod-reggae in video games. ALWAYS.

STREETS OF RAGE 2

Excellent synth rave accompanied one of the best beat ‘em ups ever programmed. We liked being Eddie ‘Skate’ Hunter best. Yuzo Koshiro programmed the music to this, and we ought to thank him by beating up punks with yellow jackets on by lobbing barrels at their heads.

PORTAL

Jonathan Coulton’s ‘Still Alive’ is one of the finest, oddest pieces of video game music ever, largely because it is performed by the malicious A.I. which messses with your head throughout the playing of Portal. After escaping from the labs, an ASCII-based credits screen runs as the computer croons the lyrics at you. Unsettling, catchier than mumps and downright hilarious.

FINAL FANTASY

You can’t really have a gaming soundtrack without including Final Fantasy legend Nobutsuo Uematsu. Here’s a tear jerker for you.

SUPER MARIO

C’mon. This was always going to make an appearance.

TETRIS

Is Tetris (theme A) the catchiest piece of gaming music ever?

ROAD RASH

Road Rash had insanely irritating music if you got to the latter stages of the game, just by virtue of the fact that the tracks were so fiendishly long. However, before they grated your ears off, they were really brilliant. Abrasive shitkicking 8bit rock never sounded so fine.

BLOOD MONEY

A new one on hecklerspray and offered by Mark Webster, unbelievably, this piece of music is from 1989. Just imagine jaws hitting the floor as that rolled out back then.

KATAMARI DAMACY

Katamari Damacy is one of the strangest games to ever see release. Remember it? It’s that one where you roll a sticky ball around various 3D environments, collecting everything it rolls over, increasing in size as it does. The soundtrack was pretty great too, with J Pop, samba and… well… this absolute corker.

WIZBALL

Wizball almost has a prog quality to it… you can almost imagine a thunderous rock track following it.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

Kanye West Isn’t Like Those Other Rappers – He Stands Dumbly In The Occupy Wall Street Protest!

Mof Gimmers — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 11:00:29 +0000

Kanye West is a man so needy that it actually makes the planet we stand on wince. That said, it is kinda fun to have this celebrity waltzing around with ideas that he’s the next Picasso rather than the standard fodder of self aggrandising rapper from the streets chat.

As such, Kanye is always keen to point out to everyone that he does things a little different. He’s a real curate’s egg of a man.

And he took himself down to by With The People and protestors at the Occupy Wall Street movement in New York City this week. And there, he showcased the classic ‘I’m not doing any interviews, to promote myself’ thing.

Ye strolled up with Russell Simmons (Def Jam founder, if you didn’t know) and must’ve thought how wonderful it was for him to be there. A musician with a conscience. Like Joan Baez. Like Bono. Those saintly guys. But he’s a rapper. A global brand with a heart.

How splendid it must be to feel that in your soul… and believe it.

And so, surrounded by the great-unwashed with their dreadlocks and signs, Kanye did what any smart musician would do an kept his mouth firmly shut (for once).

It appears that West didn’t want to get into the tricky topics surrounding the world’s finances for fear of looking stupid. Let us not forget that his diamond encrusted gob has got him into trouble in the past. Remember when he said that George Dubya Bush hated black people? Remember that?

And so, as this video shows, he basically just stands there, looking gormless. Whaddaguy!

And after he’d finished protesting against Wall Street bailouts to financial greed, what did the gold-grilled Kanye do? Why, he did what any right-minded protester who hates all that unshared wealth would do!

He attended the ‘CULO by Mazzucco’ book and art exhibition launch after-party held at NYC’s Darby Restaurant and slurped Beau Joie champagne where he talked about his exclusive fashion line that he’s launching in Paris.

Shall we all join together in a solidarity fist?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

George Harrison’s 10 Best Songs

Mof Gimmers — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 13:00:26 +0000

Argue all you want, but there’s absolutely no denying that George Harrison is the coolest of The Beatles. John and Paul fought it out for best songwriter while George slid into effortless cool, taking it easy and releasing records as and when he pleased.

How cool was George? He faced everything with a shrug. The Quiet Beatle wrote in his diary in ’69: “Got up went to Twickenham rehearsed until lunchtime — left the Beatles — went home, and in the evening did King of Fuh at Trident studio, had chips later.”

And so, with Martin Scorsese’s documentary ‘George Harrison: Living in the Material World’ getting everyone talking about George, let us look at his best music… okay?

Of all the Beatles, George was almost certainly the most identifiable as a proper individual. At times, he almost seemed to be separate from the rest of the Fabs, with John and Paul vying for leadership and Ringo looking like he’d be lost without them (although his leaving the group at one point suggests otherwise).

Thanks to this icy cool, George went from being nerdy, guitar-geek to someone who was a bona-fide counter-culture pin-up who didn’t even need to try to be the Beatle with the best swagger.

It is because of this laid-back approach that his music in the Fab Four (and beyond) is so often overlooked. So while he’s briefly in the spotlight again, let us peer at his backcat and check out his best work.

Feel free to disagree and get outraged at omissions in the comments.

WAH WAH

HERE COMES THE SUN

WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS (Acoustic version)

TAXMAN

MY SWEET LORD

ISN’T IT A PITY

IF I NEEDED SOMEONE

SOMETHING

NOT GUILTY

FAR EAST MAN

BEWARE OF DARKNESS

BONUS TRACK: THE PIRATE SONG

the beatles, george harrison, living in the material world, martin scorsese, top 10, music, rock, video, listen, the beatles, fab four, the quiet one, best music, coolest beatle,

Noel Gallagher Continues To Be Badly Drawn Boy Tribute Act With Snippet Of New Song, ‘I’d Pick You Every Time’

Mof Gimmers — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 15:00:16 +0000

Since Oasis split-up, we’ve literally been beside ourselves with apathy. The Gallaghers went from being feuding in the same band to… well… feuding in bands that sound like Oasis. It’s almost like nothing’s happened at all.

Still, with that, we’ve got twice the opportunity to peer at their collective work, with Liam’s Beady Eye churning out grot-boogie and Noel… well… turning into Badly Drawn Boy.

And he’s got a new record out and you can hear a snippet of new song – ‘I’d Pick You Every Time’.

It’s unclear if the song title is a tribute to Ralph Wiggum’s valentine card of I Choo-Choo Choose You, but frankly, we don’t care because we like to remember Ralphy whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Anyway, this new record appears to be a double A-side, coupled with ‘If I Had A Gun’.

We could check, but that really isn’t our style. Besides, if you’re reading this, you either don’t care or you’re an imbecilic Oasis fan who thinks they know everything anyway.

So without further adon’t, here it is.

30 seconds of Noely G’s Badly Drawn Boy tribute song.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

SuperHeavy, The Collab With Jagger, Joss Stone, Dave Stewart And Damien Marley, Invents Ear Vomit

Mof Gimmers — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 11:00:09 +0000

Oh dear GOD! SuperHeavy – the collaboration between Mick Jagger and Eurythmics founder Dave Stewart, alongside Joss Stone, Damien Marley and Oscar-winning composer A.R. Rahman, wasn’t a sick joke after all.

See, it’s obvious what’s going on here. We’re dealing with the folly of the jet set. They’ve looked at absolutely everything they like and thrown it all in the same pot.

It’s like someone offering you a plate with all your favourite food on. Imagine a mixture of fish ‘n’ chips, a hamburger, apple pie, a cup of tea, blue cheese, Coco Pops, gumbo, bacon, 4 pints of beer and a punnet of strawberries all blitzed in a blender and offered to you as something worth downing.

Ostensibly, what’s going on here is an exercise in cod-reggae. We’re experts in cod-reggae and this hums of it. What’s worse, SuperHeavy are literally throwing everything they’ve got at the project with all the subtlety of a brick being inserted into your tear duct.

Lead single, Miracle Worker, sees Damien Marley saying the word “preposterous”, while Mick ‘n’ Joss prance around like they’re Peter Andre doing Mysterious Girl. Meanwhile, Dave Stewart hides behind a beard, shades and hat combo embarrassed of being alive.

Considering Dave Stewart’s questionable musical past, that’s saying something.

If you haven’t heard it… and you almost certainly haven’t, here it is.

Fact is, in an interview with the Associated Press, Jagger reveals more horrors.

When asked about his rapping skills (yes, you read that), Jagger said:

“I was just copying Damian. I do a little bit. I went toasting, we call it, but it is the same thing. Damian was doing this really good toasting, West Indian rapping, so I thought, “I could do that. It can’t be that difficult.” It actually was quite difficult. With a bit of practice, it is all right. It is a laugh.”

Get that. Jagger. Rapping. It’s a sound that will chill you to your core. Even Mick had his concerns, which as usual, he didn’t listen to.

“I said to Dave … “Is this really stupid?”“

Yes. Yes is it. It’s an idea utterly bereft of the soul of the music you so greatly admire. Miracle Worker – as is the whole damned album – is to reggae, what a glittering yacht is, watching the slums of Kingston from a very safe distance through a telescope.

They should’ve called this project United Colours of Reggaeton.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Thom Yorke Continues His Quest To Destroy Electronic Music

Matthew Laidlow — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 14:00:34 +0000

Radiohead are without doubt, the kings of bringing out albums without giving anyone any prior notice, making fools giddy to lap up cod-experimental rubbish. If Thom Yorke farted in a cup, it’s guaranteed that fans would snap-up overpriced limited edition copies on ten inch hemp vinyl.

People dreaming of Yorke releasing solo material that sounds like The Bends and OK Computer might as well leave now.

Thom Yorke is acting like a baby again, digging his heels into the ground and trying to convince people that he can produce electronica that he’s heard on labels like Warp, Planet Mu and JBO. During a guest slot on the Mary Anne Hobbs show on XFM, he dropped a new track called“The Twist” as part of his “Money Back Mix.” And regrettably, you can hear it over the jump.

Over the course of Radiohead’s existence, lovers of the band have always defended the lyrics of Thom Yorke.

And because Radiohead fans bruise easier than peaches, a flash of anger erupts as they furiously argue about each and every one of their interpretations of meaning to Thom’s deep and spiritual lyrics, maaaaan.

Good in practice, but with so few decent lyrics, it’s impossible not to loathe these little gloop brained cretins.

With ‘The Twist’, it seems like Thom Yorke ripped up a dictionary, stuck the pages to a wall, threw a dart and ended up hitting a word, passing it off as a lyric. Experimental songwriting maybe, but the repetitive cut up use of “twist” doesn’t do wonders for the argument that electronic music is a few notes repeated for seven minutes with the occasional shift in pitch and melody.

It’s like the woeful ‘Fitter Happier’ all over again.

But hold everything! If you happen to be frothing at the mouth and about to accuse us of being anti-Radiohead, you should be aware that as the song morphs into something half decent around the 2.45 mark as warm sounding glitch and techno take over.

Alas, it’s not the work of Thom Yorke. Unfortunately for him, it’s a remix of a track by Modeselektor. A band that creates music that Yorke can only dream of making.

We’ve decided to showcase to you that songs with Twist in the title aren’t all awful. So with a bit of love and a nervous hug, we present to you via the wonders of Spotify, an hour long mixed bag of musical treats entitled:

Songs With Twist In The Title That Are Better Then What Thom Yorke Made

Who knows what musical style Thom Yorke will attempt next? Perhaps he’ll rub various parts of his body against a microphone and call in “Wonk Step.”

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Listen To Amy Winehouse’s Final Recording

Mof Gimmers — Wed, 14 Sep 2011 11:00:18 +0000

Today would have been Amy Winehouse’s 28th birthday, but as you know, she passed away and joined that grotty bedsit in the sky known as the 27 Club.

Before she parted, she recorded a duet with Tony Bennett (ten times the singer Frank Sinatra could ever be, thanks to being able to sing 20 notes, rather than Blue Eyes grand total of two), which proved to be her final recording.

Now, on her birthday, the record has been released and you can have a listen to it over the jump. It’s actually very, very good (which is rubbish for us who would like nothing more than to be nasty about it).

The duet, Body and Soul, will see its profits going toward the Amy Winehouse Foundation which of course, was set up by Amy’s father Mitch.

That also launches today, and aims to help other people struggling with addiction and, naturally, Amy had her troubles with that.

Mitch is adamant that his daughter was clean at the time of her death though.

He said:

“Through her own determination, she stopped taking drugs three years ago. I’d been speaking about that for the last three. No one would listen to me. They thought she was still taking drugs. She was clean for three years. But clearly the drugs did take their toll.”

Gah. There’s not many opportunities for jokes here is there? Let us just listen to the song and swim in its loveliness.

Perhaps notice Tony Bennett’s creosoted skin too.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Imma Let You Finish Beyonce, Once You Agree To Kanye Being Godfather To Your Unborn Baby

Mof Gimmers — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 12:00:45 +0000

Beyonce is pregnant. That’s great isn’t it? Unless you’d hoped that B and Jay Z were going to adopt you in some way. She’s 3 months gone! Wow. Wait. That means she was having sex when when Osama bin Laden got killed or Ratko Mladi? got arrested for genocide and war crimes.

It seems justice, death and open war-graves turn Beyonce on. Crikey.

While everyone koochy coos about this new baby, Kanye West is shouting “FIRST” in the comments, saying that he’s already decided that he’s going to be the godfather of this baby, regardless of what anyone else says.

It goes without saying that Kanye wants to play a significant role in the baby’s life. He wants to play a significant role in absolutely everyone’s life.

He isn’t needy at all.

And some source says:

“Kanye is as excited about the baby as Beyoncé and Jay-Z. He’s been saying he’s going to be godfather and is absolutely chuffed. It will be a huge honour for him.”

Chuffed? With that use of British slang, we can’t imagine that the source is particularly close to Kanye can we?

Either way, this source is incredibly likely to be close to be close to the mark. You can easily imagine ‘Ye wobbling around with his golden teeth and spectacularly fragile ego, staring people right in the eyeball, shouting “Imma gonna take care of this child! Imma gonna be the best godfather the world ever saw!”

Sadly, if this is the case, this poor little sod won’t ever get the chance to finish a sentence without Uncle Kanye barging in.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Jay Z Makes You Feel Like A Skinflint With $50k Tip

Mof Gimmers — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 16:00:05 +0000

Do you leave tips in restaurants? If there’s a few of you, you all chuck a quid in each because that seems about right? Well, you’re nothing but a sickening tightwad because, when Jay Z leaves a tip, he really leaves a tip.

We’re not talking about a tip like “condoms make excellent fingerprint disguisers if you’re robbing a chemist” or anything like that.

We’re talking about Jigga going to some place and leaving them with a $50,000. Tell that to Mr Pink from Reservoir Dogs.

It’s fair to say that Jay has a bit of money to throw around. This tip came on the back of him spending a buttock tightening $250,000 on champagne at the launch party for his and Kanye West’s new (pretty lousy) album, Watch The Throne.

After some time off, it seems rappers are back in the game when it comes to vulgar displays of wealth. Christ knows what will happen with our Premier League footballers now, ever eager to copy their hip hop idols.

J-Hova wasn’t done there. He also produced $95,000 from his gold plated throat to pay for a 15 litre bottle of Armand de Brignac’s special Ace of Spades bubbly.

A witness said:

“It takes two people to serve the champagne due to the size and weight of the bottle!”

Another onlooker spat:

“I WANTED A PEAR CIDER Y’PRICK!”

Previously, Johnny Depp wowed everyone by leaving a $1,150 tip somewhere, while Jessica Simpson left a $300 tip for the $500 bill at a New York restaurant.

But Jiggaman has made them look like heartless bastards.

Decoded: Jay Z And Kanye West’s Watch The Throne ‘Otis’ Promo

Mof Gimmers — Fri, 12 Aug 2011 10:00:34 +0000

Kanye West and Jay Z have got together to make supreme ego project, Watch The Throne. The first single taken from it is called ‘Otis’. Is that something to do with the people who make shopping centre escalators?

Of course it isn’t. That’s a stupid notion. But well done if you’ve ever noticed that mall escalators are made by a company called Otis. You’re as sad as we are.

No, this new track is called ‘Otis’ because it leans heavily on a sample taken from Otis Redding’s most famous track, ‘Try A Little Tenderness’. A little too heavily if you ask us. But what is the video like? Well, lets pull it to pieces shall we?

While the new release has broken all kindsa records, there’s a palpable sense that this won’t be remembered as a classic in years to come. Of course, the duo have their own impressive back catalogues to contend with, and more importantly, who cares what jerk-off critics like us think of such things, right?

However, there was a certain amount of confusion surrounding the lead track when it was announced.

See, we weren’t listening properly and were convinced that Jay and ‘Ye had decided to remake forgotten ’80s cartoon, Ovid Video when we heard that there was going to be an ‘Otis’ video.

Looking at the cartoon in question, we’re not sure that even J Hova could make this tune cool.

No, instead, we’ve been treated to this impressively dull promotional video which shows our protagonists… well… not really doing anything at all.

First off, we see Jay and West approaching an expensive looking car with some implements of death. These are the kind of things you would want someone to throw in your underpants. Meanwhile, a team of Top Gear Stig’s look on nervously, hoping that the tools will be taken to the body of the car, rather than an ad-hoc circumcision.

Mercifully for the Stig balls, the video quickly turns into awful Sunday afternoon show, Scrapheap Challenge. And bit of car are cut up despite there being nothing noticeably wrong with it.

An the tinkering with a perfectly good car continue, for reasons unclear. It seems like such a daft waste of cash, given that we’re in a dreadful financial predicament. The folly of rich men is laid bare, much like the track itself.

And so, from the kind of car a managing director might drive… to this. Mad Max meets the DeLorean from Back To The Future. A fire breathing daftmobile which is insanely impractical. How are you going to get the shopping in that? It looks too wide for a drive-thru as well. They really hadn’t thought this through had they? Silly celebrities.

And here they are, stood before the Stars ‘n’ Stripes. It’s the American dream. The ability to confidently throw your money around like it’s going out of fashion! What could possibly go wrong?

See? Look how much fun they’re having! They can’t stop laughing! They’ve chopped a car up, made it shoot fire out of the back and everything couldn’t be more hilarious!

And how the girls in the back laugh too! Wait! Not one of them is Beyonce! And surely it isn’t safe to have a unsafe road vehicle that breathes fire tearing up the place with four girls sat in the back with no seatbelts on. This is the kind of reckless behaviour that kills people. And all they can do is laugh?

Ever the gentleman (despite the fact he’s in a car with a bunch of girls who aren’t his wife), Jay decided to walk alongside the monster car. Sadly, some bloke in a suit has decided to jump in, making the whole thing a mockery.

And so, our heroes leave the car completely for a nice pray. They pray that no-one gets hurt by this junkyard motor. They also pray that no-one can see straight through their forced bon homie.

Then they forget about all that health and safety nonsense and decide to laugh uproariously in their car again. Kanye can barely remember the death of his mother after a botched bout of plastic surgery! He’s got women behind him, laughing their legs off! This is the funniest car journey in history! They’re probably listening to the Ying Tong Song to make it even funnier! What japes!

Then they blow up some tiny boxes and go home for some Ovaltine, assured that they’ve had a very productive day. How splendid it must be to be able to polish such expensive turds.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Kanye West Falls Flat On His Ass Due To Weight Being The Only Victim In The World [Video]

Mof Gimmers — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 12:00:16 +0000

We feel sorry for Kanye West. He’s the only celebrity on Earth who gets any criticism of any sort. The rest of them are treated like Gods among men, while he is vilified and pilloried every time he opens his mouth.

Essentially, everyone is picking on him and he doesn’t like it. And he’s not taking it either! Nosiree! He’s got a microphone and worked out how to use it! YEAH!

And so, after comparing himself to Adolf Hitler at a UK festival, he’s now been ranting on a Norwegian stage about how he’s been demonised by the press. There’s a very good chance that the good people of Norway would’ve preferred him to actually perform some songs, especially after the tough month they’ve had, but there you go… ‘Ye is the only victim in the world at the moment. And sadly for West, this is all weighing on him so much that his legs gave way beneath him.

At his appearance at the Oya Festival in Oslo, Kanye once again decided to lash out at the press. The same press that pretty much gave him universally good reviews for his ‘Dark Twisted Fantasy’ LP.

He told the audience:

“It feels so good to come by here and rock y’all tonight. We come to make sure you all have a good time ‘cos so many bad things have happened. I’m so thankful to have my voice back and I want to thank everyone. (New album) Watch The Throne is number one in 23 countries with no press or promotion.”

So far, so typical of any gig.

“You know how I feel about the press. I hate the press. They try to take my s**t out of context. They try to demonise me, but it don’t matter because my fans are always here.”

Demonise? Take the rise out of you, yes… but actually demonise? He must be thinking of Michael Jackson. There’s a man who has been demonised. Not someone who gets fun poked at him for constantly playing the wounded wanker card all the time.

So instead of feeling sorry for him when he makes a boob, we can all point and laugh as he falls flat on his expensive ass on-stage.

Watch.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Celebrities Don’t Like Riots, But Love Ordering Plebs To Tidy Up

Mof Gimmers — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 14:00:19 +0000

The riots in London have seen unprecedented horseshit. People are randomly saying place names and everyone is getting really jumpy, wishing they’d built nuclear bunkers filled with sausages and beans in a tin, where they’ll hide until armageddon comes.

Today has seen Londoners going out in force with brooms and bin bags, attempting to tidy up the mess caused by the fires and looting. Some of them will no doubt find a load of iPads under a hedge and trouser them.

But where are our celebrities? Well, they’re hiding in their gated communities, tweeting about it all like they give two hoots, condemning the rioters and ordering everyone to tidy up because, let’s face it, they’re certainly not going to do it.

Jessie J, Wayne Rooney and Stephen Fry are among the stars who have spoken out against the marauding marauders of London on Twitter.

Wayne Rooney wrote:

“These riots are nuts why would people do this to there own country. Own city. This is embarrassing for our country. Stop please.”

*SIGH* It’s like listening to one of Martin Luther King’s speeches isn’t it? Meanwhile, Piers ‘listened to a voicemail of Paul McCartney but doesn’t seem to think anything is peculiar about that’ Morgan was in typically sympathetic mood:

“Millions of people are suffering in this financial crisis, but not looting/rioting/pillaging – no sympathy for these yobs whatsoever.”

Jessie J, meanwhile, wafted her hand and asked for everyone else to do the dirty work of cleaning up London, saying:

“Calling all #heartbeats please go to www.riotcleanup.com and see where you can help get London back to how we all deserve it to be. #riotcleanup”.

Stephen Fry was a little more helpful, but not much:

“I do hope that if I was in London now I’d be as good & brave & kind as all those who are agreeing to meet & help clean up #RiotCleanup”.

Elsewhere, the news blames twitter for organising the riots in the first place because they really don’t understand the internet yet.

Anyway, hands-up who laughed because this is all happening in London?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!