On Friday, Bea got evicted from the Big Brother house, which isn’t really news because Bea was rubbish.

So what other Big Brother news is there? Well, Big Brother is going for starters, and we’ve decided to take that fact as something between a depressing critique on the state of the nation and a direct personal insult. What else? Nothing. Nothing has happened on Big Brother, in the last few days or ever, frankly.

Nevertheless, here are the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye this week – Siavash, Charlie and Lisa…

Siavash – Common consensus is that Siavash is the housemate most likely to win Big Brother this year, but that’s bollocks isn’t it? It’s got to be – what does he actually do? Seriously, because we’d love to know. Noirin isn’t twisting him into emotional pretzels any more, Cairon isn’t drawing faces on his arse any more, and frankly he’s the least convincing flamboyant Jesus bear we’ve ever had the misfortune to witness. Literally the only thing going for Siavash is his constant refusal to nominate anybody. And that hardly makes him Ghandi, does it? Ghandi had better hair. Buck your ideas up, Siavash.

Charlie - Big Brother has long since stopped being popular enough to warrant Princess Nikki-style reality spin-offs, and that’s a real shame. Admittedly it’s only a shame because we desperately want to see what happens to Charlie and Rodrigo after the Big Brother final, but what’s so wrong with that? If their life outside of the Big Brother house even remotely echoes their life inside it, every episode of their show would be guaranteed to feature at least two of the following: 1) an awkward, emotionally backwards under-the-duvet embrace, 2) a moment of friendly horseplay, 3) Charlie overstepping the mark and making Rodrigo cross, and 4) Rodrigo charging up and down a corridor for two hours screeching “No! NO! Rodrigo NO!” to himself like a madman with a wasp in his brain. It’d be like EastEnders, only more schizophrenic and gay. Brilliant.

Lisa - Over the last week or so, Lisa has started to relax a little. There aren’t so many people to fight with, all her enemies are slowly vanishing and – crucially – she thinks she’s in with a chance of winning Big Brother. This is probably the best possible outcome for everybody, because in her head Lisa is planning all the things she’ll be able to do as winner – release an number one album, break down the nation’s sexual and gender-based barriers forever and possibly get a stint as a DIY expert on This Morning once a week. And she’ll never accomplish any of them. Because nobody really likes her. But she doesn’t know that. But she will. Oh, she will. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be cackling maniacally to ourselves in our underground lair.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

On Friday’s Big Brother, the impossible happened – the previously invincible Freddie was evicted.

Why? We have two theories. The first is that Marcus is a stronger competitor and the public identifies with him more readily. The second is that everyone saw Freddie scream and wail and convulse last week because Bea moved 10 feet away from him and realised that he was a monumental tosspiece.

Anyway, here are the Big Brother competitors who’ve caught our eye this week – Bea, Lisa and David…

Bea – Bea is undoubtedly the Big Brother housemate who’ll notice Freddie’s absence the most. This is because she’ll be aware that she isn’t constantly being trailed by a screaming raw nerve with red eyes who appears to have learnt how to emotionally respond to various scenarios by watching a mixture of American soap operas and real-life footage of physical torture. So without Freddie around, what will Bea do? Simple – she’s going to hit on Siavash. And then, once he gives into his advances, she’ll spurn him and he’ll cry. It’s good to have a routine to keep to, isn’t it?

Lisa – Another week in the Big Brother house, another eviction that Lisa bewilderingly hasn’t been anywhere near. And for the life of us we can’t understand this. All of the other Big Brother housemates seem certain that Lisa has a gameplan – even though as far as we can see that gameplan appears to involve little more than chainsmoking and speaking with the voice of your dead grandfather – but they never nominate her for eviction. In a sense this is ridiculous. But maybe it’s deliberate – if Lisa isn’t evicted until the final, the sum total of publicity she’ll receive is one truncated post-eviction interview and nothing else. Very clever, other Big Brother housemates. Very clever indeed.

David - Look, we don’t ask much of you people. But can you please let David win Big Brother? We’d be ever so grateful. It’s not so much that David deserves to win Big Brother – or even that he doesn’t deserve to win it least – but if David wins, then he’ll be more likely to get his own TV show. And we know exactly what we want that TV show to be – a half-hour programme called David Off Big Brother Talks About Things. It’d just be David in a room on his own with a small bag filled with bits of paper with various issues – homelessness, love, religion, that sort of thing – and at the start of each episode he’d pull out one piece of paper and talk about it for 30 minutes. What’d be good about it is that after 10 minutes or so David would run out of things to say, and then he’d just sit around looking confused for the remainder of the time. And maybe he’ll cry. It’d be excellent. MAKE IT SO, READERS!

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

This is just a wild punt, but we’re guessing that tomorrow’s Big Brother eviction is going to be the most exciting of the series so far.

Why? Because everybody is up for eviction. The viewers finally have the chance to vote out the Big Brother housemate who annoys them the most, regardless of who’s been nominated. Well, actually that’s not strictly true – what’s actually going to happen is that the viewers have to vote to save their favourite housemate, which means that tomorrow’s evictee will be the housemate who people care the least about. Which, in our case, is everyone.

Let’s look at the three Big Brother housemates who we think are most likely to get booted out tomorrow – Hira, Lisa and Bea…

Hira – If this was a normal Big Brother eviction, where the public votes out the housemate they dislike the most, then Hira would probably be safe. After all, Hira is inoffensive to the point of barely existing – and that’ll be her problem tomorrow. Now that Big Brother viewers are voting to save their favourite housemate, she’s a firm favourite for the push. Because, really now, Hira can’t logically be anyone’s favourite Big Brother housemate – for all that she contributes, she’s basically a particularly stupid chunk of polystyrene. But maybe all’s not lost for Hira; if her family and her husband’s family all pool together and vote to save her then… oh, wait, no – she’s related to her husband, so they share a family, don’t they? That’s Hira effed, then.

Lisa - Lisa’s continued survival in the Big Brother house has bewildered us more than anything else this year. The public can’t really stand her, but the housemates’ determination to never nominate her for eviction has protected her from our wrath. And now we have a chance to boot her out tomorrow. The problem is that Lisa is a Big Brother housemate who people actively dislike, and this week’s ‘vote to save a housemate’ tactic automatically puts the quieter contestants at risk. If the theme for tomorrow’s eviction was ‘vote out the dreary skinhead lesbian who misguidedly assumes that she has a career as a singer’, then Lisa would be out like a shot. But as things stand, she might go on to fight another day. Curses!

Bea – We’re including Bea as a favourite to be evicted from the Big Brother house tomorrow purely because she’s quite new and, unlike fellow newcomer David, she’s not entertainingly thick. But in our heart of hearts, we feel pretty sure that Bea is safe. After all, she’s done what several consecutive nominations couldn’t do – she’s broken Halfwit. She strung him along, turned him into a sort of mid-life crisis pervert version of Ming The Merciless who regularly attends provincial nightclub singles nights, and then bluntly told him that he disgusted her. For doing this alone, Bea is frankly incredible – it makes her a slightly more endearing version of Noirin – and we hope she stays. But would we vote to save her? Of course not. We wouldn’t vote to save any of the Big Brother housemates. We’re not stupid.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

Poor old Angel. Just a few weeks into Big Brother and already she’s been evicted. How sad.

Whatever will Angel do with her life now? Apart, you know, from her professional boxing, professional singing, professional tattoo-artisting, fashion design, fitness coaching and all-round looking a bit like a man? We literally have no idea. That poor girl’s all at sea. We’d worry about her, but we’ll have forgotten what her name is by Wednesday so it hardly seems worth it.

Anyway, now that Angel’s gone, here’s who’s been catching our eye in the Big Brother house this week…

Krogface – Yes, Krogface. Bloody Krogface, OK? Kris and Dogface. Krogface. People will start calling them this soon. They will. Especially since, if their sole exposure to Big Brother this year has been through red-top newspapers, they’ll probably believe that Krogface are the only Big Brother housemates on the show. Every day in The Sun it’s Krogface this and Krogface that – but the thing is, Krogface are rubbish. They’re possibly the most boring Big Brother housemates of all time. Kris does nothing but mope around silently like Rod Hull’s lobotomised niece, and Dogface is so completely vapid that we’re genuinely starting to believe that she’s a lost Samanda sibling who was cast out of the family as an infant for not even being as clever as her moronic sisters. We don’t even think that Dogface has managed a full sentence from beginning to end without making a mistake since Big Brother started. They’re awful. Please, let’s get Krogface out so she can get the obligatory Nuts cover out of the way and we can go about forgetting them forever.

Noirin - Now that Noirin has finally been allowed to stop drawing marker pen glasses on her face and let her eyebrows grow back, it’s about time that we celebrated her as the hottie that she is. Hooray! We’d quite like Noirin to be our girlfriend actually. Even though she spends most of her time being pointlessly confrontational towards anyone who shows her even the faintest glimmer of attention. And she’s completely infatuated with herself. And she’s convinced that she’s cleverer than she actually is, even though in reality she’s one of those awful sixth-formy wankers who constantly try so hard to look deep that they actually come across as the world’s worst kind of smugly vacuous jizzpot. And she’s an impossible arsehole all the time. Actually, you know what? We probably don’t want Noirin to be our girlfriend. She’s a berk.

Lisa – We’ve been ignoring Lisa a little since Big Brother started, and this has been for two reasons. Firstly, she looks like Lil’ Chris will once the inevitable crack addiction kicks in. Secondly, whenever she appears on screen it’s all we can do not to kick the TV over and smash it into splinters with our bare hands. Lisa is terrible – she seems to want to position herself as Big Brother’s resident mother-figure, except that she’s so grating and genuinely unlikeable that she ends up coming across as the sort of abusive mother who you’d find in one of those Boy Named It-style misery-porn books. Everyone who disagrees with Lisa – which is everyone, because Lisa is an arse – ends up being subjected to a lengthy, angry, holier-than-thou diatribe that always seems to be based around the theme of “I can do whatever I like, right?”, and that’s literally all the woman does. Except for sing to herself, obviously, because Lisa seems to fancy herself as a bit of a pop star in the making. She isn’t. When she sings she sounds like Adrien Chiles being repeatedly smacked in the balls with a plank of wood. If you hadn’t guessed by now, we don’t really like Lisa very much.

Later this week – Big Brother eviction nonsense.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Big Brother started on Thursday night, right? Wrong.

In actually fact, if you want to be bewilderingly petty about it, Big Brother only started last night. Because last night, the final housemates were given official housemate status. True, that meant saying goodbye to Beinazir, but we’re sure she’ll go on to have a bright future. Those Subway signs don’t hold themselves up, you know.

So now we know who the final Big Brother housemates are, the ‘fun’ starts here. Let’s take a look at the Big Brother housemates who’ve caught our eye so far…

Noirin – Along with Rodrigo, who is so completely identical to Kenneth from 30 Rock that we now truly believe he sees people as Muppets, Noirin was the first Big Brother contestant to be granted official housemate status. Why? Because she shaved her eyebrows off and drew a pair of glasses on her face with marker pen. For many people that would be humiliating, but not Noirin – in fact, her tenacity was something to be applauded. “I’ve come this far already,” Noirin said through gritted teeth, seemingly putting the act of auditioning for a TV show that ran out of interesting people seven whole years ago as a level of bravery up there with with self-amputating a frost-bitten appendage with a jagged tin can in the middle of a disaster-prone Everest climb. And for that alone, Noirin, we salute you.

Sophie & Karly – We’re lumping Sophie and Karly in as one Big Brother housemate for the time being for the following reasons: 1) They’re both blonde, 2) They’ve both got big knockers, 3) They both look like they’d be genuinely stumped if someone asked them to spell their own names, and 4) If they haven’t posed on the cover of Nuts magazine standing together topless with their boobs touching by October, we’re literally going to eat a hat. In fact, neither Sophie or Karly need to win Big Brother, because their future as low-rent soft porn Television X preview presenters is probably already in the bag. But it was nice to see on Thursday’s Big Brother launch show when Sophie and Karly instantly gravitated to one another purely because they look alike. We were hoping that some of the other housemates would use the same networking tactic, but that didn’t happen. In Siavash’s case, we assume that this was because none of the other housemates were heavily-sedated grizzly bears who’d been dressed up to look like Jesus by a medically-diagnosed cretin with cataracts.

Lisa – Oh Lisa, you gone and done tricked us, didn’t you? There you were, with your tattooed head and piercings and obvious lesbianism, looking like you’d destroy Big Brother from the inside out with your anarchy and mistrust of authority, and it turns out that you’re essentially quite a nice person. Look, we’re going to warn you once here, Lisa, and only once. Big Brother is no place for people who look like they know how to think. Your days here are going to be numbered, young lady, unless you knuckle down and do something more in keeping with your fellow housemates. Like, say, walk into a window again and again for 45 minutes wondering out loud why the air is so hard, or try and speak a normal sentence but get confused halfway through and just end up crying and dribbling down yourself, OK? Either that or out yourself as J from 5ive in drag, since that’s who you clearly are.

Kris – Kris would appear to be the male totty in the Big Brother house this year, which is a bit of a shame because he appears to be one of the Jonas Brothers in a Rod Hull tribute wig. But let’s go along with it anyway – Kris is sexy because his name is deliberately spelt wrong and his main competition in the sexy boy stakes is an over-privileged young Conservative with a funny hat and a name that’s now legally Halfwit. Who will Kris’s first inevitable Big Brother fling be with? The obvious choice is either Karly or Sophie, but we wouldn’t rule out Noirin just yet. Or Rodrigo, for that matter. A boy’s got needs, after all. Anyway, we’re convinced that Big Brother is going to wait until Kris is certain that he’s this year’s heartthrob, and then drop in a better-looking male housemate for no other reason than to destroy his self-esteem. It’s what we’d do, anyway.

Cairon – And then there’s Cairon, who achieved official Big Brother housemate status by putting a biscuit in some tea for about 20 seconds. This series is going to be non-stop excitement from beginning to end, isn’t it?

Later in the week: more of this Big Brother nonsense.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

First the facts. This is Big Brother’s tenth anniversary, and the fifth anniversary of us writing about it. We don’t know which is worse.

Nevertheless, the new series of Big Brother kicked off last night, which means that from now until let’s say the end of actual time itself, we’re going to have to watch hour after of hour of preening turdbaskets discussing nothing using a subnormal vocabulary. And we’ll be with you every ghastly step of the way.

But first we should probably introduce ourselves to the newest batch of Big Brother housemates, shouldn’t we? Fair enough, then…

GIRLS:

Norin, 25. SHE’S THE: Awful snob. Norin’s entire Big Brother entry tape consisted of her describing exactly how brilliant she is. She’s deeply religious, although she doesn’t care about anyone, her first word spoken inside the house was “fuck” and she recently showed an entire nightclub what her minge looks like, probably on purpose. Booed ridiculously on the way into the Big Brother house, but then redeemed herself later by letting a fey Brazilian man shave her eyebrows off. This also means that she’s a genuine Big Brother housemate now. Yes, it’s going to be that kind of series.

Beinazir, 28. SHE’S THE: Deliberately-polarising asylum seeker. Beinazir, by her own admission, is like a man. Her family escaped from a dictator when she was a child, something which much have been terrifying for her because it seems to have left her with the voice of a very old man. What will Beinazir do in the Big Brother house? Here’s our guess – nothing at all.

Sophie, 20. SHE’S THE: One who will have probably already got naked by the time you’ve read this. Honestly, Sophie is a smile and a pair of tits and nothing else whatsoever. On the way into the Big Brother house she complained that her hair looked quite flat. This is possibly the deepest thing that Sophie has ever done in her entire life.

Angel, 35. SHE’S THE: One with the ironic name. Apparently Angel is a professional boxer. We’re only guessing at that, though, because during her Big Brother entry tape she spoke in a genuinely incomprehensible Russian accent. If that wasn’t bad enough, she entered the Big Brother house in show motion dressed as a Victorian mime artist, almost as if she was deliberately trying to annoy the crowd. Angel won a Best Newcomer award at a 1992 Russian music ceremony, which ironically makes her more famous than the entire last series of Celebrity Big Brother combined. Given the choice, she’s like to be stuck in a lift with John Lennon, which is stupid. He’d stink the place out, wouldn’t he?

Lisa, 41. SHE’S THE: Lesbian. Honestly, she’s like a Daily Mail cartoon of a lesbian. Mohican, tattooed scalp, pierced nose. Remember Tracy from a couple years ago? Of course you don’t – and if you do, you should be ashamed. Anyway, Lisa’s just like her, but she also wears rubber pants. Has Big Brother ever had an incontinent lesbian punk before?

Sophia, 26. SHE’S THE: Slightly disabled one. Unbearably happy all the time, Sophie is a) a Lupus sufferer and b) a proper midget. It’s early days, but it seems as though Sophie speaks exclusively in a series of piercing hysterical squeaks. She also says she hates WAGS, something which she’ll probably never actually vocalise inside the Big Brother house because she’ll be too busy squeaking like a guinea pig in a tumble drier. Sophia wears boots that make her look like an Ewok. Sophia will probably end up winning Big Brother.

Karly, 21. SHE’S THE: One who’ll end up having a breakdown because Sophie’s got bigger boobs than her. An FHM High Street Honey, Karly possesses the ability to change her hair colour instantly with the power of her mind alone. She’s essentially a WAG in the making, so if you play in a Sunday league pub team somewhere, your luck’s probably in.

Saffia, 27. SHE’S THE: Woman most like Noel Edmonds. This is for the following reasons: 1) Saffia indulges in cosmic ordering from time to time, 2) Saffia has a love life that’s ragged and messy, 3) Saffia would consider lesbianism, 4) Saffia entered the Big Brother house in an outfit made from Mr Blobby’s hide, 5) Saffia seems a bit like a wanker.

BOYS:

Rodrigo, 23. HE’S THE: Eccentric, possibly bisexual, foreigner. Another little ray of sunshine, Rodrigo is Brazilian but loves Britain. He apparently goes to church every day, presumably because he wishes he could sleep with LaToya Jackson and that’s obviously a deep sin to carry with him. If Kenneth from 30 Rock was Brazilian, he’d be Rodrigo. Rodrigo is only one of two legitimate housemates so far this year, because he shaved a girl’s eyebrows off. So yay for him.

Freddie, 23. HE’S THE: Young Conservative who lives in a stately home and yet still expects people to like him. Freddie often wears a genuinely awful hat, and believes in anarchy – presumably the sort of anarchy that’ll let him keep his bloody lake and sodding reggae-influenced indie music. Booed ferociously on the way into the Big Brother house.

Charlie, 22: HE’S THE: Lovely gay one. In his Big Brother audition, Charlie referred to his penis as his ‘nasty bone’, which is mildly discomforting. Other than that, there’s not a lot to say about Charlie. However, despite being a former Mr Gay UK, Charlie is also from Newcastle – which means that he sounds like Jimmy Nail and everything he says, no matter how innocent, sounds like a precursor to a violent bottle fight.

Kris, 24: HE’S THE: Bellend. Why is Kris a bellend? Because of his stupid Alex Zane haircut? Because he wears women’s T-shirts? Because, as a visual merchandiser, he has a job that doesn’t really exist? Because he has a much, much higher estimation of himself that he really deserves to, despite giving the impression that he’s never even so much as kissed a girl? Yes. The answer to all of these, damnit, is yes.

Siavash, 23. HE’S THE: Sponging, tiny-penised bastard. Is Siavash a stylist? An event organiser? Who knows? All we do know is that Siavash looks a bit like what Jesus would look like if Gok Wan was a Biblical disciple, and that – in true Big Brother fashion – he has a disproportionately high opinion of himself. We’re not sure how Siavash will fare within the Big Brother house, but judging by his hair, beard, wardrobe and generally overbearing smug hipster attitude, he’s essentially a distillation of everything crap about London.

Sree, 25. HE’S THE: Virgin. Sree is Indian, a Hindu, and appears to be comically straightlaced. Will Big Brother lead Sree astray? Hopefully not, because Sree seems to be a bit teddy-bearish and lovely. But hopefully yes, because Big Brother is only really any good when it’s actively destroying the lives of others, isn’t it?

Cairon, 18. HE’S THE: New Spiral. Cairon speaks with an American accent, just like that albino bloke who had the shuddering meltdown last year. Apparently Cairon wants to be a rapper – not because he’s talented or anything, but because he’s DEFINITELY NOT GAY. He’s so straight he feels weird even wiping his own bottom. Despite this, he seems like a polite young man. Historically, this means won’t say a single word until he’s booted out of Big Brother a month in.

Marcus, 35. HE’S THE: Bizarre, antisocial polymath. Marcus loves comic books so much that he’s grown a ridiculous set of Wolverine sideburns. And he’s got a giant ponytail. And he wears a vest. And, judging by his Big Brother entrance, people seem to love him. One to watch, maybe. But only out of professional obligation, you understand. We wouldn’t willingly watch Big Brother. God, no.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But before we look forward to the end of Big Brother, what’s been going on? Well for starters Lisa was evicted from Big Brother on Friday, and took the exit interview as another opportunity to try and convince us that a large part of her brain doesn’t work properly. Oh, and also there’s going to be a double eviction tomorrow night – the two housemates with the least number of votes so far are being booted out.That’s right – people still actually vote on the outcome of Big Brother. Losers.

But who’s going to win Big Brother on Friday? Mohamed? Is it Mohamed? Is it? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed to win, with help from Paddy Power…

Mohamed – Sometimes we think Big Brother might be secretly written by a Hollywood scriptwriter. A really shit one who’s only doing it to fund his raging drug addiction, admittedly, but our point still stands. Take Mohamed’s last few weeks, for example. Mohamed has slowly been irritating all the other Big Brother housemates thanks to his relentless greediness, and when they eventually let him become the head of house – thereby making him immune from nominations – the two nominated housemates ended up getting given £25,000. Perfect – that’s genuinely the most perfect way that anyone could have stiffed Mohamed. Especially since there’s no way that Mohamed is ever going to win Big Brother. Although, if everyone who watched Big Brother suddenly went mad with syphilis and decided to all vote for Mohamed, those who did bet on his victory would be walking away with a shitload of cash. Look at those odds! – Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Tomorrow: Can Kat win Big Brother? But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Phew. We don’t know about you, but this whole ’stuff actually happening on Big Brother‘ malarkey freaked us out. For a second there we thought Big Brother was going to do stuff every single day instead of occasionally punctuate 80 days of morbid tedium with a sloppily thought-out gameshow containing approximately zero tension. Thanks Big Brother. Don’t go changing.

But anyway – it’s Lisa and Sara up for eviction this week, and we looked at Sara’s chances yesterday, so here are the Big Brother betting odds for Lisa’s eviction, with help from Paddy Power…

Lisa – What a week Lisa’s having. First Mario briefly reentered the Big Brother house to propose to her and now she’s won £25,000. What a double-combo of happiness that is, or would be if Mario didn’t have a face that looks like an uncooked hamburger and skin that’s scientifically a brand new colour midway between purple and orange. Anyway, Lisa shouldn’t worry too much about an eviction coming to wreck her week, because she’s bewilderingly got quite popular on Big Brother lately. Sara’s bound to get evicted ahead of Lisa, which is strange because when Lisa said “I’ve got a heart of gold” during her quiz on Wednesday, we wanted to crawl inside our TV and strangle her to death with our own windpipe. True story. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/10

Next week – Betting odds for the Big Brother final. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

In what has to be a nudge to the British public to remind everyone that it still existed, last night Big Brother made the remaining housemates nominate each other face to face on live TV. Then Sara and Lisa – the two housemates with the most votes – had some sort of convoluted quiz thing to go through before one of them won £50,000. Except they both ended up splitting the prize in two and doing a kind of piggyback thing around the room for a bit. They’re still up, though.

Are you still with us? Sara and Lisa are still up for Big Brother eviction tomorrow. That’s the important part. Well, maybe important isn’t the word…

So who’ll go tomorrow? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Sara to win the show, with help from Paddy Power…

Sara – Not an incredible surprise that Sara’s up for Big Brother eviction this week, since she’s had such a bizarre time of it lately. First off, her cockteasy exploits with Darnell ended up shitting the bed in dramatic style when he had a gigantic shuddering meltdown and started calling her an ‘ugly bitch’ in that unsettlingly angry way of his. And then Rex made her cry, although that was more predictable – Rex makes everyone cry because he’s got a weird lumpy ginger skull. Anyway, since Sara’s up for Big Brother eviction against Lisa, we’d have to guess that she doesn’t stand much chance of surviving, partly due to Lisa’s psychological mother-figure position in the Big Brother house, and partly because listening to Sara speak is as painful as shitting giant shards of glass. Current Big Brother betting odds -33/1

Tomorrow – Lisa’s Big Brother eviction betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

That’s not the grim-minded prophesy of someone who hates mankind – well it is, a bit – it’s actually scientific fact. Mohamed has been named as head of the Big Brother house, and that means he can’t get nominated and therefore has automatically reached the upcoming Big Brother final. Bad news if you dislike Mohamed, but brilliant news if you dislike Big Brother. So a win-win for everyone, really.

Who’s going to win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Lisa, Darnell, Rachel and Mikey, with help from Paddy Power…

Lisa - Oh Lisa, you foolish man-looking beefcake. What have you gone and done? We’ll tell you what you’ve gone and done. You’ve gone and got engaged to Mario, that’s what. Yes, it might seem like a touchingly romantic thing to accept a marriage proposal through a pane of glass on live television, but have some foresight for God’s sake. We don’t want to be rude to you Lisa, especially since you’ve suddenly become inexplicably popular in our brief absence, so we won’t. All we’ll say is this – either you or Mario had better be completely infertile, because any children you have will all look like Wolf out of Gladiators. But, you know, congratulations and whatever. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/1

Darnell – Occasionally we happen to miss an episode of Big Brother, and usually we view that as a kind of special treat. But sometimes it hurts, like the time we missed the moment when Darnell admitted that he didn’t have a girlfriend and covered himself in chocolate as some kind of bizarre self-hate penance. That sort of thing is once in a lifetime entertainment and we blew it. Sorry. But it must have worked, because Darnell is still riding high in the Big Brother betting odds. Maybe covering yourself in chocolate and ranting about what a miserable freak you are is the way to success after all. If it is, then perhaps Tom Daley should think about doing that instead of diving, the weird ventriloquist dummy nobhead. Current Big Brother betting odds – 7/2

Rachel – We’ve secretly always wanted Rachel to do well in Big Brother, if only for the fact that her inevitable Nuts magazine photospread would be one of those awkward ‘Look! It’s Rachel From Big Brother In An Unusually Thick Floor-Length Nightie!’ shoots. With a few weeks to go, Rachel looks certain to be in the Big Brother final, and she’s got there by being sweet and lovely and whatever the opposite of vindictive is. It just goes to show that while nice guys finish last, nice girls don’t finish last so long as they wear enough bikinis. Current Big Brother betting odds – 11/4

Mikey – Wait a minute, the blind bloke’s going to win Big Brother after all? Well diddle us silly. Of course, we always thought at first that Mikey would win Big Brother, but that’s purely because he’s blind and people are pity-filled idiots. But then it became painfully clear that as well as being blind, Mikey was actually a bit of a dick and his betting odds dropped accordingly. And now he’s the favourite to win Big Brother again. Why? Is it because Mikey has suddenly become nice? No. The only thing we can think of is that Mikey recently shaved his head and now everyone thinks that he’s a blind man going through chemotherapy. But that’s awful and we never actually thought that. Current Big Brother betting odds – 5/4

Tomorrow – eviction betting odds. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Anyway, what’s happened on Big Brother this weekend? Nicole got evicted which is good, because it means that the most annoying woman on the television has automatically reverted back to Jeremy Kyle; and Lisa got engaged to Mario, which is bad because it meant that Mario was back on TV and we promised ourselves that we’d cut our eyes out if that ever happened again. Thank heavens for braille keyboards, eh?

So who’ll win Big Brother? Here are the Big Brother betting odds for Mohamed, Sara, Rex and Kat, with help from Paddy Power…

Mohamed – The sheer fact alone that Mohamed is still in the Big Brother house is a stone cold testament to what a bundle of wankers the evicted Big Brother housemates were. There can’t be a person on the planet who likes Mohamed – he’s such a monumental bell-end that Rachel even managed to call him a jerk the other day. Since Rachel’s the kind of girl who’d refuse to call the sky blue in case it offended clouds, that’s really something. Surely Mohamed can’t last much longer on Big Brother – if he isn’t evicted soon his constant gluttony will cause him to swell up until his body actually absorbs the house itself. One way or another he goes. Current Big Brother betting odds – 80/1

Sara – OK, we’re officially stunned. Of the three housemates who entered Big Brother late – Belinda, Maysoon and Sara – we were convinced that Sara wouldn’t be the last one standing. Why? Because, although it’s blindingly apparent to everyone with at least one functioning sense that everyone in the Big Brother house is stupider than remedial cheese, they’re all in fact too dim to see what a massive cocktease she really is. Sara flits from boy to boy cooing about what big arms they have as nomination day approaches and none of them have twigged why yet. Maybe we’re wrong – maybe Sara really does fancy everyone – but that’s unlikely because she’s even tried it on with Darnell, and surely her self-esteem can’t be that fucked, can it? Current Big Brother betting odds – 33/1

Rex - Thank Christ Nicole has been evicted from Big Brother – watching her and Rex constantly bicker with each other was like watching an especially harrowing amateur dramatic performance of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf starring nothing but utter utter wanktards. Still, now that Rex doesn’t have to worry about his girlfriend any more, he can get back to doing what he does best in the Big Brother house – being the world’s gingerest bastard. But maybe the fact that he has a girlfriend who’s obviously a massive twonk will work in Rex’s favour. It probably won’t, though, since Rex is such a titmonkey. Current Big Brother betting odds – 12/1

Kat – Look, it’s been a while since this particular writer has done any Big Brother stuff, but we’re sure that Kat was popular last time we looked. Apparently not, though – she’s now only fifth favourite to win. For the love of God, are you seriously telling us that a one-dimensional little fat woman with a funny accent who only talks about biscuits can get boring? We’ll be blown. Or perhaps we’re wrong. Perhaps Kat did something awful when we weren’t looking. But what could be awful enough to be considered less popular than Lisa? There’s only one thing – Kat must’ve raped a vicar. It’s literally the only option. Literally. Urgh. Current Big Brother betting odds – 8/1

Tomorrow – Big Brother betting odds for Lisa, Darnell, Rachel and Mikey. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to Paddy Power to see the full list of Big Brother betting odds.

Okay so technically she hasn’t been booted out yet, but if she doesn’t go then we won’t be happy and we’ll blame everyone in the country – nay – the world for letting us down. It has to make the most sense anyway – Nicole’s an arse, whereas Sara’s hot and Lisa’s comically insane – there’s no point in keeping the spoiled brat.

If you do want to risk some money, or make very little back from a huge bet, feel free to make your way to Paddy Power and check out their latest odds.

If Nicole doesn’t get kicked out of the Big Brother house tonight then there is no justice left in the world.

The scheming, conniving, selfish, fake blonde bitch should be drop-kicked out of there rather than be allowed to walk the steps of shame.

After joining the party on a BB whim, Nicole has bored the pants off of the public with her tears and tantrums, while letting designer boyfriend Rex walk all over her and make her look like the very wettest of blankets. Big brother betting odds – 1-100

She didn’t really want to be in there in the first place and has constantly ‘assured’ Rex – and the watching public, in actual fact – that she would do a bunk if her fella left. Unfortunately, as head of house, her fella survived this week’s nominations – so there is no double whammy to celebrate tonight.

Nicole is up against Aussie chick Sara and mummy of the house Lisa. There’s simply no competition.

Sara is a pain in the arse but at least she’s not evil. Her game has been a flirty one and while it hasn’t won her many friends inside or outside the house, it hasn’t left her tainted by the brush of hate. Big Brother betting odds 20-1

She is likely to survive the boot with Lisa, who has managed to keep out of the limelight since her comedy boyfriend Mario was chucked out by the public a month or so ago.

Apart from Lisa’s strangely obsessive hate for kindly Welsh lass Rachel, she has managed to keep her head down and glide through the nominations until now.

If she was up against anyone but Nicole she might be worried – but there is surely going to be little competition tonight. Big Brother betting odds 16-1

‘Big Brother, this is Davina, you are live in Channel 4, please do not swear. Nicole, get the fuck out!’

Mikey remains the favourite to win, with Darnell now a close second. He stood up for Kat yesterday when Rex and Mohamed wanted her to pull out of the Thriller dance routine task using her bad back as an excuse. Big Brother betting odds 11-8 (Mikey) and 11-4 (Darnell)

Darnell, Rachel and Mikey saw through Rex, while Mo backed up the tosspot. However, Mo looked like he regretted his ‘We’re going to fail the task’ outburst later, when he was in the bedroom with Kat, Rachel and Darnell.

And again later when they all passed the task. You’ll learn Mo. But it may be a bit too late by then. Big Brother betting odds 80-1

Next week: we’ll see how the tenth eviction affects things. Basically, as it’s Nicole most likely going then it’ll make things better. Rex will either walk with her or he’ll stay and become less of a twat – like he was before she was in there. Other than that, we’re gearing up for the final stretch of Big Brother 2008 – get to Paddy Power to bet on the winner!

Story By Richard Hughes

There’s no Kat fight and welsh teacher Rachel has survived Lisa’s scornful looks for another week – but for the other three, it’s claws out, let the bitch fest begin.

So who will be trying to avoid that up-skirt shot (or not, as the case may be with Sara and Nicole) as they climb the BB steps to instant, bright-burning but inevitably short-lived 15 minutes of fame?

One of Lisa, Sarah or Nicole will be ousted – and about time, too. If we could get them all out, we would. The public will decide, of course – and the least favourite housemate will be thrust into the limelight and onto Davina’s couch on Friday. Check with Paddy Power to see how your decision can help net you a bit of cash too.

Here are their potted BB histories.

Sara came in late and threw the cosy balance of the house out of kilter straight away. The Aussie chick was quick to hook her talons into Dale, with his squeeze Jen still there – but once he had been kicked out, following a brief flirtation with Darnell, her next big crush was Stuart.

It has been a ‘can I find me a man’ time in the house for Sara, who also has a thing for Rex. But I’m sure she’ll regret that once she gets out. Big Brother betting odds – 18-1

Next up is Lisa, the lapsed body-builder who entered the house almost 80 days ago with her hunky 40-something boyfriend Mario. The pair didn’t make a great start to their time in front of the cameras, become extremely unpopular with the viewers – and some housemates, almost immediately.

But since Mario was given his marching orders, Lisa has relaxed and, apart from her aborted break out and obsessive hate for Rachel, she has relaxed into her mother of the house role. Big Brother betting odds – 20-1

And finally, Nicole – can I really be bothered with her? No. Rex moaned about missing her for what seems like years and then she turns up and he treats her like shit. And she takes it.

Get out of the house on Friday Nicole and you’ll find out pretty quickly that he is hated beyond redemption and it’s time to find a nice bloke. Trouble is, what nice bloke is going to look twice… Big Brother betting odds – 1-100

On the winning front, things remain in Mikey’s favour, with Darnell, Rachel and Kat just ahead of Lisa. And that’s unlikely to change until the final day now. Big Brother betting odds – 11-8

Tomorrow: eviction day, the tenth housemate will leave the house through a public vote and we will finally – hopefully – get rid of Nicole. The annoying little twit. Check with Paddy Power for updated odds – maybe Nicole will manage to swing the running in her favour? (Here’s a clue: she won’t)

Story By Richard Hughes

They are all nomination virgins of course, so whichever leaves, it’s going to hurt. However, there may be some relief for Nicole if she gets evicted. At least she won’t have to put up with her arsehole boyfriend Rex anymore.

Tomorrow we’ll take a look at the favourites for the chop – but today let’s have another look those still in the running for the big cash prize, as laid down by Paddy Power. Kerching!

Mikey still heads the list, no surprise there. The blind Scot, who is currently leading the ‘I Hate Rex’ campaign, has been top of the betting charts since time in memorial. Big Brother betting odds – 2-1

Darnell has jumped into second place over the last week beating off the competition from Rachel and Kat. The quirky albino American has a good chance of upsetting the odds. Big Brother betting odds – 5-2

Rachel, the smooth operator, is keeping it cool again this week and might be worth an outside punt. Her and Kat are bound to make the final week are they avoided this week’s nominations. Big Brother betting odds – 10-3

Kat, the shrieking dumpling, seems to be losing ground. Once she was a shoe-in, but now she is just an irritating, squat noise-machine. Big Brother betting odds – 6-1

Lisa, the man-women (are those tits fake or not?) is next in line – and may well make the final day if she doesn’t get the boot this Friday. Big Brother betting odds – 7-1

Rex. Oh hateful Rex. He’s possibly the vilest creature this side of the Atlantic. He’s going get a shock when he leaves the house – he probably thinks he’s an extraordinarily popular housemate but the boos will ring out like never before. It’s such as shame that, as head of house this week, he couldn’t nominated. Big Brother betting odds – 16-1

Sara is this week’s surprise nomination. And she received more votes than the other two, too. The Aussie beauty has been playing the man-game though and both Dale and Stuart were kicked out while she attempted to dig her claws in. She can’t go back to Darnell, the ideal man Rex is attached – so there’s only Mikey and Mo left… Oh dear. Big Brother betting odds – 50-1

Mohamed finally cooked his goose when he ate one of Mikey’s bogeys for a can of cider this week. Nuff said. Yuk. Big Brother betting odds – 80-1

Nicole. Just shut up. Stop crying. Dump Rex. Go home. You hateful women. Big Brother betting odds – 250-1

Tomorrow: we’ll be gearing up for yet another eviction – one that could change the makeup of the entire house. Either that or Lisa will go, which is unlikely to change anything, really. In the meantime, don’t forget to check out Paddy Power for the latest Big Brother betting odds.

Story By Richard Hughes

Seriously though, how much more of their interminable bickering and childish arguments can the nation put up with? They are a microcosm of every bad facet of every bad relationship anyone has ever had in the history of man. The fact that Nicole believes Rex had a two day sex and alcohol fuelled sex-a-thon with a Vegas stripper doesn’t seem to be helping her relax too much either.

The housemates were asked to make Roman chewing gum mosaics of their newly crowned leader, Caesar Rex as part of the day’s task. The housemates who made the best one would receive a prize, which obviously led to numerous jibes about, ‘oh I wonder who will win?’ Nicole and Sara maybe? HMMMM? To which Caesar decreed, “Look, I’m not going to do a Rachel…” then, obviously, did a Rachel and chose his girlfriend and his favourite Aussie to enjoy the special prize, which was a plate of MEAT. CLASS.

So how has this all affected the other housemates standing in the eyes of the public and our wonderful friends at Paddy Power?

Mikey is still the top dog of the house. This man has a golden ticket to the finals it would appear. He shocked housemates by explaining that sex was not really his thing as it is boring, commenting “when you can’t see anything going on, it’s dull,” then elaborating to say that according to the bastion of truth, justice and FACT, The Sun newspaper, blind folk are the best lovers. So when he wins that £100K and buys some laser eyes, look out ladies, Mikey is on the loose. Big Brother Betting Odds – 2-1

Darnell has increased in popularity this week thanks to his funny T-Rex-like walk and the ever powerful sympathy vote; he’s a virgin you know. Awww, bless him. Still the paranoia increases about his relationship with the ladies, commenting to Big Bro that “if no one in the house fancies me, there isn’t much hope with women in the real world.” Still he is coming in as a strong number two to win this week; if he can keep up the fun then he’s in with a real shot at the title. Big Brother Betting Odds – 5-2.

Rachel continues to be the nicest housemate this week and is still bullied at every opportunity by all and sundry. We just can’t put a finger on why everyone in the house (other than Kat) dislikes her so much, I mean she is childish, dull and has a huge head but come on! Women traditionally don’t win Big Brother but she is a strong contender for third place. Big Brother Betting Odds – 7-2.

Kat just loves to rut, all day, every day. Prince Charming once mounted her for a record 15 times in one day according to her. Imagine that. Go on, have a good hard think about it, because since she said that, that is all I can think about, it is burnt into my brain FOREVER. Big Brother Betting Odds – 6-1.

Lisa believes that wasps can kill you, one sting and dead. Still, she has done a lot of research into it and therefore it is fact. Still, you can’t really take anything she says too seriously though after an ill advised fake tan session in which she ended up looking like a streaky turd. Big Brother Betting Odds – 7-1.

Rex surely can’t get any more annoying, can he? Yes, yes he can. The super fascistic head of house has been slowly grinding away at Nicole about the information she learned on the outside world, but she is being tight lipped about his alleged philandering. Even when the ginger lothario asks her if she’d like to do “some petting.” Big Brother Betting Odds – 16-1.

Sara is still missing Stu and is still avoiding Mo’s unwanted attempts at flirting. She has been relatively quiet apart from when she was praising Big Brother’s meat based prize for winning the task with Nicole. She does love meat. Big Brother Betting Odds – 50-1.

Mohamed has a little spring in his step due to the erroneous belief that Sara finds him attractive. After all, don’t women love greedy lethargic fatties? No, no they don’t and it is only a matter of time – and cider – before his hopes and dreams are crushed by her. Big Brother Betting Odds – 80-1.

Nicole is the kind of girl that you meet at university who is incapable of existing outside of the remit of Mummy and Daddy. She spends her days wearing faux hippie outfits, having ridiculous opinions about bringing back hanging and talking about horses. Thankfully due to her constant prattling she has made herself the most unpopular housemate, SCORE. Big Brother Betting Odds – 200-1.

What joys will tomorrow hold? Will Mo finally seduce Sara only to be shot down in flames? Will Nicole cry and will Rex finally snap and attack her? Tune in tomorrow kids – and in the meantime check out Paddy Power for the latest Big Brother betting odds.

Story By Ben Morrison