It look a long time, but now it looks like someone’s finally found a way for Strictly Come Dancing to get even more pointless.

And that’s to make such a bodge of the scoring system that nobody gets eliminated. Wonderful. Thanks to a ridiculous cock-up, nobody got voted off Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday night, which means we wasted an evening that could have spend doing something more worthwhile like, say, eating a pair of shoes or committing arson.

But, despite this monumental balls-up, the Strictly Come Dancing final still takes place on Saturday, so who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

Lisa Snowdon – The Strictly Come Dancing finalists all want to win for different reasons – Rachel Stevens wants to be famous again, for instance, and Tom Chambers just wants never to go back to Holby City again – but it’s much more personal for Lisa Snowdon. You see, Lisa Snowdon just wants to be liked by people who aren’t a) her direct relatives or b) stars of the movie Leatherheads. It’s this manic quest for approval that’s caused Lisa Snowdon to approach Strictly Come Dancing like a flinty-eyed Terminator, and it seems to be working out quite well for her.

On Saturday, Lisa’s first dance was an Argentine Tango. Since it was a dance that her partner had never even tried before, the chances of it going belly-up were huge – but fortunately the pair of them did lots of research beforehand. Sadly, though, it seems like their research just consisted of watching a couple of porno movies, because the dance was just uncomfortably filthy from beginning to end. So will that performance make sure that people end up liking Lisa Snowdon? We’re going to guess not, because Lisa’s second dance was a Quickstep that got a perfect score from the Strictly Come Dancing judges. Usually that’d be a happy occasion, but not for Lisa Snowdon – she reacted to each 10 card like they were pictures of her immediate family getting machinegunned by Sri Lanken child soldiers. Lisa – that’s not how we make friends, is it? Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 75

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers.

Strictly Come Dancing recap time, which makes a change – usually at this time of the morning we’re… oh. Not a change at all, actually.

There are just three dancers left on Strictly Come Dancing, and it’s impossible to guess who’ll win at the moment. Unless you guess that Rachel Stevens is going to win, and then you’ve probably guessed correctly. But anyway, shh.

Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

Lisa Snowdon – On behalf of the universe, we’d just like to thank anyone who voted for Lisa Snowdon on last week’s Strictly Come Dancing, because it kept her out of the dance-off and therefore spared us another endless round of needy, self-pitying tears. Instead we got a round of needy gratitude tears which was either better, worse or exactly the same. We’ve long since lost the ability to work these things out. But anyway – Lisa Snowdon’s Strictly Come Dancing routines.

Lisa’s first dance was a Waltz to He Was Beautiful that was completely boring, featured excessive moments of overwrought face-touching and all kinds of arbitrary applause from the audience. However, the Strictly Come Dancing judges more or less masturbated themselves silly over it, and the stage was set for the second dance – a Jive to Crocodile Rock, of all things. And it was weird – all hunched over, full of self-consciously wacky facial expressions and so frantic that it left Lisa Snowdon looking like a hyperventilating Terrahawk afterwards. The Jive didn’t go down so well with the Strictly Come Dancing judges, and her partner got his knickers in a twist about it. But, hey, at least this means there’s one person on earth who cares about Lisa Snowdon. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 72

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Tom Chambers.

Strictly Come Dancing recaps! Come on, not many left. That has to be a good thing, right?

Actually, we’ve noticed a horrifying trend in this year’s Strictly Come Dancing. John Sergeant left Strictly Come Dancing and he released a Christmas single. Christine Bleakley left Strictly Come Dancing and she released a Christmas single. So here’s the plan – let’s make Rachel Stevens win Strictly Come Dancing, because the last thing we need is any more hapless wailing coming out of her gob. OK?

Good. Then here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

Lisa Snowdon – Nobody likes Lisa Snowdon. That’s a simple fact. She’s been in so many consecutive Strictly Come Dancing dance-offs that we’ve literally lost count (yes, we can’t count any higher than two. Deal with it). But at least Lisa Snowdon is sensible and professional enough to realise that she shouldn’t get upset just because a bunch of Saturday teatime idiots aren’t voting for her in a dancing competition and… no, wait, no – Lisa Snowdon literally did nothing but cry throughout her entire Strictly Come Dancing training last week. Pathetic, we know, but let’s think positive – this is the first recorded instance of Lisa Snowdon being anything other than a steely-eyed self-infatuated robot since George Clooney first decided that he didn’t have anything better to do than have sex with her.

As for Lisa Snowdon’s Strictly Come Dancing performances, her first routine was a Foxtrot to Walking My Baby Back Home that managed to walk the fine line between unremarkable and flat-out desperate. It was boring, mostly because nobody has ever danced an interesting Foxtrot since time began, but the Strictly Come Dancing judges went slightly loopy over it regardless. Lisa’s second dance was Cha Cha Cha which was remarkable, but only because Lisa had actually killed and skinned Animal from The Muppets and wore the remains as her costume, and her partner seemed as if he was deliberately trying to offend Polio sufferers by lurching around the floor in a funny way. All in all, though, Lisa Snowdon ended up top of the Strictly Come Dancing leaderboard, and that helped her avoid the dance-off. But only that. Total Strictly Come Dancing score – 76

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Austin Healey.

You people have lost heart – after ironically keeping John Sergeant on Strictly Come Dancing forever, you couldn’t even do the same for Jodie Kidd.

Last night Jodie Kidd became the latest contestant to be eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing. Her jive to Great Balls Of Fire was filled with strangulation, piggybacks and enough lyric-mouthing to fill a million soul-destroying YouTube video, but that couldn’t stop it looking like either the climax to Godzilla Vs King Kong or a wildly malfunctioning piece of construction machinery. Still, Strictly Come Dancing‘s loss is the world of drug dealing’s gain. Allegedly.

But now Jodie Kidd is out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’ll win? Here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Lisa Snowdon…

Lisa Snowdon – Amid all the kerfuffle about John Sergeant, last week’s Strictly Come Dancing quietly proved one other small fact – that the British public doesn’t love Lisa Snowdon nearly as much as Lisa Snowdon loves Lisa Snowdon. But being in the Strictly Come Dancing dance-off only spurred Lisa on to do better at her routine on Saturday – a Quickstep to a mind-bogglingly bad song that sounded like it should have been on the soundtrack to a third division straight to DVD Steve Guttenberg movie from 1986. Was the dance OK? Yes it was. But only OK – for a quickstep it was sort of slow and soft, but that didn’t stop the Strictly Come Dancing judges from doing their traditional dance-off praise overcompensation, by saying “You need to keep a lovely posture, with a lot going on below… and they managed it beautifully. Very, very good.” What’s far more interesting than any of that, though, is that Lisa Snowdon’s nan left a video message of support for Lisa during training, and it made Lisa Snowdon cry. Why did it make you cry, Lisa? Is it because you never visit your nan? Is it because you’re too busy dressing up a mentally-distressed circus clown and trying to get your hands back down George Clooney‘s pants? Is it? Bad Lisa Snowdon. Bad! Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Tomorrow: the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Christine Bleakley.

Oh great, now we’re in for another week of bitching about John Sergeant – Cherie Lunghi’s out of Strictly Come Dancing.

Cherie was voted out of Strictly Come Dancing because her Cha Cha Cha to Play That Funky Music was a little bit hit and miss – for the first time in ages Cherie got her legs, and therefore her knickers, out in the dance, but it was let down by the way she just lurched from one pedestrian pose to another without anything in between. And in yesterday’s dance-off, the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her that they wanted to “see little bit more Wild Cherry coming out”. We’re pleased she didn’t oblige, because we’re pretty sure they meant her clitoris.

But now that Cherie Lunghi is no longer a part of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon…

Jodie Kidd – Now that Strictly Come Dancing has shed most of its chaff, Jodie Kidd has never looked so precarious. That’s mainly because she’s started referring to herself in the third person – not as ‘Jodie’ but as ‘Jodes’. Honestly, animal torture would have probably endeared her to the public more than that. But as for her Strictly Come Dancing routine, Jodie Kidd performed a Quicktime to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy on Saturday. Since Jodie is so tall, the potential for massive audience-maiming limbflail was gigantic – but somehow Jodie Kidd pulled it off. The dance was fast and dynamic and fluid – even though she was wearing a dress so long you couldn’t really tell how quick her steps actually were – and the Strictly Come Dancing judges fell in love with her all over again, describing the dance as “Bright and light, like skipping across hot coals.” However, next week Jodie will probably have to perform a Latin dance, and then she’ll probably just thwack about like a baby deer on an ice rink until she gets sent home. Strictly Come Dancing score – 33

Lisa Snowdon – After riding so high in the Strictly Come Dancing rankings over the last few week, Lisa Snowdon had to slip up at some point, and that point came on Saturday. Lisa’s Strictly Come Dancing performance was a Samba to Rock The Boat, and she wasn’t getting it during training. Cue Lisa’s sisters barging into the studio covered in balloons and feathers, which was a mistake. We know that the Samba is supposed to be a party dance, but not necessarily a hen night party that ends in vomiting and a fistfight in a Wetherspoons car park, which is how the Snowdon sisters apparently interpreted it. And this bled through to Lisa Snowdon’s performance on Saturday, which just wasn’t particularly convincing. “There’s a tension inside of you, and you didn’t go with the flow,” the Strictly Come Dancing judges told her, and we can see their point. Lisa Snowdon undoubtedly lost marks because she couldn’t clomp around like a dead-eyed cyborg in the Samba, and that’s possibly what she’s best at. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Austin Healey…

It’s the final day of our Strictly Come Dancing recaps for the week.

And that means, in all honesty, it’s probably the final time we’ll get to write about John Sergeant as a properly-functioning contestant on Strictly Come Dancing. As the judges proved last week, they’re willing to get as nasty as possible if it gets him out, and it looks like they might be swaying public opinion, too. You don’t want them to win, do you? At least one of them has a face like a wet verruca. Vote John.

And, funnily enough, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Lisa Snowdon…

John Sergeant – John Sergeant must have been anticipating this week for ages – infuriated that he’s still a part of Strictly Come Dancing despite being almost completely awful, the Strictly Come Dancing judges laid into him with almost everything they had. “That dance had nothing to say and neither do I,” “It was terrible,” “Your dancing stinks!” and “Disaster” were among the comments he received. At one point, even John Sergeant’s own Strictly Come Dancing partner laid into him for his lack of ability, which is probably unheard of. But we have to commend John Sergeant’s ingenuity – to save him from just doing the exact same dance that he’s been doing since day one again, John decided to spend about a minute of his Cha Cha Cha to Twist And Shout sitting down and having a telephone conversation with his own hand. That’s a level of genius that just scares the hell out of us. Strictly Come Dancing score – 12

Lisa Snowdon – Remember earlier in the week we told you how happy we were that Austin Healey finally had an off night? Well, we wish we could say the same thing about Lisa Snowdon. In recent week’s she’s become so overwhelmingly obsessed with winning Strictly Come Dancing that it’s been impossible to mock her for anything, and that hold true for Saturday’s Viennese Waltz to Bed Of Roses. It was good, the Strictly Come Dancing judges thought it was good – telling her “from week one you are the most improved dancer of this series” – and the viewers obviously thought it was good as well. Honestly, sometimes we wish that Lisa Snowdon wasn’t such a hard-faced humourless Terminator, because then we might actually have something to say about her. Strictly Come Dancing score – 36

Next week: Yes. This again.

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Can’t remember what happened in the third quarter of last Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing? Good job we’re here, then.

This whole Strictly Come Dancing kerfuffle about John Sergeant hasn’t died down any yet, has it? Now John has claimed that the Strictly Come Dancing judges should all resign if they don’t like the way the public keeps voting him through. Honestly, this better end up with actual punches being thrown on Saturday’s show or we’ll refuse to pay our license fee any more.

Anyway, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley and Rachel Stevens…

Christine Bleakley - After the Strictly Come Dancing judges criticised her legwork in last week’s show and suggested that she spent a day at a ballet school, Christine Bleakley did just that in training for her Jive to Jailhouse Rock on Saturday. And, as such, we’ll happily give £50 to the first Strictly Come Dancing judge who suggests that Christine Bleakley’s routines will be improved if she starts appearing in pornography. Anyway, the ballet seemed to do the trick for Christine because her Jive was zippy and precise and kicky and so much fun that she started shrieking like an entire hen-night party at 2am as soon as she’d finished. The Strictly Come Dancing judges were full of praise for her too, adding “I’m thrilled you went to a ballet class this week, and it made a difference. A phenomenal improvement!” What’s more, Christine did the jive dressed as Big Bird from Sesame Street, and that has to be worth something. Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Rachel Stevens – To practise for her American Smooth to I Got A Woman – and to slightly placate Len Goodman‘s thundering rage towards her – Rachel Stevens went to the set of the Dirty Dancing musical to learn the art of eye contact in training for Saturday. Did it work? No. No it didn’t. Rachel’s routine was almost the precise opposite of romantic – although technically good, it lacked so much personality that it may as well have been performed by a goat in a top hat. Worst of all, to show off that they’d really grasped this ‘eye contact’ thing, Rachel Stevens and her partner literally stopped their performance in the middle and literally just looked at each other for a bit. But, hey, what do we know? After all, the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to enjoy it enough, telling Rachel that “it was Fred and Ginger for me tonight, so elaborate and demanding… you did that effortlessly.” Stupid Strictly Come Dancing judges with their stupid professional knowledge. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant and Lisa Snowdon.

We’re now halfway through Strictly Come Dancing 2008, which seems slightly absurd.

Have we really been watching Strictly Come Dancing for seven weeks? It’s seemed like so much longer than that. But at least now we’re on the home stretch – the part where the judges start pleading with the public to ditch John Sergeant and Austin Healey wins and ends up fulfilling his life dream as a result – appearing on A Question Of Sport slightly more often than usual.

But until then, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps of Saturday’s show, for Jodie Kidd and Lisa Snowdon…

Jodie Kidd – As a rah-rah posho, the thing that Jodie Kidd has most trouble getting a handle on is basic human emotion – it seems like the nearest she’s ever got to romance in her entire life is rubbing a horse while staring off mournfully into the middle distance. And since on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing Jodie Kidd had to have a go at a waltz, an attempt at romance was unavoidable. So to train her up, Jodie’s Strictly Come Dancing partner devised a Pride & Prejudice theme for the dance. While we figured that meant the dance was going to be over-long and boring enough to inspire thoughts of suicide in the Strictly Come Dancing audience, it really meant that it was going to be stuffed full of romance. Sadly it wasn’t – it was heavyhanded and gooey, and one Strictly Come Dancing judge compared it to a Mills & Boon book. In truth it wasn’t even that – at least in Mills & Boon you’re guaranteed some sex two-thirds of the way through to make up for the rest of it being so dreary. Strictly Come Dancing score – 31

Lisa Snowdon – Look, forget about the fact that Lisa Snowdon performed a Tango to La Cumparsita on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. Forget about the fact that since the dance asked for nothing more than a lot of cocky glowering, it suited Lisa and Brendan down to the ground. And forget that the Strictly Come Dancing judges called the routine “A Tango of classic purity and beauty – truly irresistible.” Because we’ve noticed something really quite disturbing. In training for Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Lisa Snowdon’s dad popped in for a bit of moral support. And he looks exactly like George Clooney, the man who Lisa spent a couple of years having sex with. Exactly like him. Ick. No, really. Ick. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, John Sergeant and Tom Chambers.

Let’s not pretend that this is anything other than completely inevitable – Mark Foster has been eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing.

Not for lack of trying – he even toned down his outfit to just a semi-transparent blouse that gave him a cleavage like an old prostitute down the bingo. Given Mark’s tendency to grimace and flail like a rapist at any opportunity, his Paso Doble to Since U Been Gone should have been amazing. But it wasn’t, and he pulled in his worst score of the entire series for it. And this is Mark Foster we’re taking about – we figured the only way he could actually get any worse was to fart in Tess Daly‘s mouth during a Coup de Pique.

But anyway, with Mark Foster out, who’ll win Strictly Come Dancing? Here’s the first part of our Strictly Come Dancing recap, for Lisa Snowdon and Andrew Castle…

Lisa Snowdon - We always got the impression that if you put Lisa Snowdon and Brendan Cole in a room together, the stench of cockiness would be so overwhelming that it’d peel paint, and we’ve yet to be proved wrong about that. On last week’s Strictly Come Dancing Lisa Snowdon came out on top, and so – as expected – she decided to go all out on this week’s show with a Paso Doble to Eye Of The Tiger. At least we’re told it was a Paso Doble – to us it sort of seemed like a couple of rubbish end of the pier magicians had kidnapped Lisa and Brendan, taken their places and decided to do a bunch of overblown pre-trick mystic arm-wobbles instead. Honestly, the only logical conclusion to that routine was Lisa Snowdon pushing two metal hoops through each other. That didn’t happen, obviously, which narked the Strictly Come Dancing judges off no end. They told Lisa: “You need to open and widen your spine. Work on it because I think you’re going to be fabulous,” which admittedly doesn’t sound very narky, but it was. Honest. Strictly Come Dancing score – 29

Andrew Castle – Even though so far in Strictly Come Dancing, Andrew Castle’s arms have almost dropped his partner and his head has banged backwards and forwards like a woodpecker performing cunnilingus on a taser, his bottom has somehow gained the most attention, because it sticks out a bit. So Andrew’s number one objective when it came to Saturday’s Viennese Waltz to Annie’s Song was to tuck his arse in. And it was a success – for the most part, Andrew’s bum stayed roughly where it was supposed to. Now that’s out of the way, perhaps Andrew can concentrate on sorting out his feet, ankles, legs, torso, shoulders, elbows, arms, hands, neck, head, face and hair, because they’re all pretty woeful too. Especially his face – when he dances, Andrew constantly pulls the same face that most people do when they walk past the homeless, and it’s dreadfully off-putting. However, perhaps because his previous dances have been worse than terrible, the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to quite like the routine, saying. “You have made such a staggering improvement. For a fleeting moment you were absolutely into the dance and that’s a first.” Strictly Come Dancing score – 24

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Christine Bleakley, Austin Healey and Cherie Lunghi.

Last night Don Warrington became what we’re assuming to be the millionth contestant to leave Strictly Come Dancing this year.

We know why, of course. Don’s secret weapon in Strictly Come Dancing was his face – he only danced well when he was pulling an expression like a naked midget with excessive bodyhair was trying to jab a poo-covered stick up one of his nostrils. But since he was dancing an American Smooth to Can’t Smile Without You on Saturday, Don had to trade in his repulsed glower for something a bit more civilised. And that’s where it all fell apart.

So with Don Warrington out of Strictly Come Dancing, who’s going to win? Here’s part one of our Strictly Come Dancing recap for the week, for Rachel Stevens, Lisa Snowdon and Heather Small…

Rachel Stevens – Personally, and we know we’re biased, we want Rachel Stevens to stay a part of Strictly Come Dancing forever, because it means we get to see her identical thuggish bald nightclub bouncer-alike brothers say things like “Yeah, well, she bloody gave herself over to the dance didn’t she? It wuz facking exquisite.” That’s probably the only reason we want Rachel Stevens to stay on Strictly Come Dancing, though, because based on her Samba to Hips Don’t Lie, she’s a bit of a mannequin. Rachel was gunning for ‘sexy’ – that much was clear – but she ended up looking more like one of those Asimo robots that’s been programmed to act sexy. She was doing all the right moves, but was dead-eyed and cold throughout, making her seem more suited to a job as a stripper or hecklerspray‘s girlfriend. The Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed exactly with what we just said, telling Rachel that she needed to “get the raunch out.” Our forecast for next week? Dildos. Strictly Come Dancing score – 30

Lisa Snowdon – Judging by her Strictly Come Dancing intro, Lisa Snowdon spent her entire week in training sobbing like a numpty. God knows why, because her Strictly Come Dancing American Smooth to It Happened In Monterey was pretty good. Lisa dropped all the am-dram stylising of her performance from the previous week and managed to pull out a routine that was slick, professional and even made it look like she was enjoying herself. As for the Strictly Come Dancing judges, they told her “You are the belle of the ballroom!” But that leaves out one tiny point that everyone failed to mention – Lisa Snowdon was only good at the American Smooth because she used to go out with George Clooney, who is smooth and an American, so she’s used to it. She’s probably thanking her lucky stars that she never went out with Tom Cruise, because there isn’t a dance called Berserk Sci-Fi Midget. Strictly Come Dancing score – 35

Heather Small – As she was introduced for her Strictly Come Dancing Samba to Lola Lola on Saturday, it was clear to see that Heather Small had developed a new weapon in her arsenal – the giant afro. This was impressive. What was less impressive was the way that Heather Small declared that she’d be good at the Samba because she was brought up in London, where once a year in one specific part of London there’s a carnival. Based on that logic, we’ve determined that Heather Small would also be good at driving underground trains, being the entire government and stabbing people for their pocket money. Anyway, as for the Strictly Come Dancing routine in itself, it was a little bit like Heather Small’s old band M People, because it was crap and we can’t really remember anything about it, apart from the bit where her partner slung her about like a corpse at the end. The Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed, telling Heather that it was “Lifeless, lacklustre, laboured.” We’d agree, if we could remember anything about it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 23

Tomorrow: Strictly Come Dancing recaps for Cherie Lunghi, Marc Foster and Austin Healey.

This is our last set of Strictly Come Dancing recaps before Saturday’s show, and the thought of it alone is making us giddy. Or nauseous. We’ve lost the ability to tell.

You see, on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, the boys and the girls are going to be intermingled for the first time this series. It’s going to be too much to bear – Jodie Kidd one minute, that bloke of the Kenco adverts the next minute, the one out of S Club 7 the minute after and then the man from GMTV who looks like he’s been carved out of a single block of balsa wood the next. On Saturday, Strictly Come Dancing will literally become a show about dancing.

But before that, here’s the final Strictly Come Dancing recap from last Saturday’s show, for Lisa Snowdon and Rachel Stevens…

Lisa Snowdon – We’ll happily admit that we don’t quite get Lisa Snowdon. She gets to present Britain’s Next Top Model even though from time to time her face looks more like a jellyfish wound than an actual human face, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges love her even though she infuriates us massively. Her Rumba to Suddenly was the perfect example of this – to us it looked horrible; so massively overwrought and melodramatic that it seemed like Lisa Snowdon was actually taking the piss out of Strictly Come Dancing, especially at the end when her partner clutched her fist in such a gormless stab at anguish that it made him mostly look like an American soap star holding in a poo. It was an awful, self-regarding piece of over-the-top wank, so obviously the Strictly Come Dancing judges fell for it completely, describing it as “Come to me, hold me, touch me, feel me.” Weirdos. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Rachel Stevens – In a way, we’ve come to sort of appreciate Rachel Stevens and her Strictly Come Dancing partner – they’re both so tiny and have obviously spent their entire lives avoiding any form of original thought that they’re sort of like the brainless puppies of the show. And that was demonstrated yet again in Rachel’s Quickstep to Little Green Bag on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. It was light and breezy and fun and frothy and everything, but it sort of came and went without troubling anyone very much at all. Having said that, Rachel Stevens sort of holds her arms quite well, and her dancing ability is all the more impressive because she’s obviously a midget. Anyway, what did the Strictly Come Dancing judges think of Rachel’s routine? “Fast, fleet-footed, you two are the perfect package.” They also called it the best Quickstep of the night, so congratulations Rachel Stevens – you’re officially better than a frantic, sob-faced orange woman who used to be on EastEnders. Strictly Come Dancing score – 33

Next week: So many Strictly Come Dancing recaps that we’ve just vomited down our chin.

How exciting was Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday? All those girls, doing dances. It was literally vaguely exciting.

Watching a new series of Strictly Come Dancing is like putting on an old pair of slippers – all the old favourites are there. Bruce Forsyth getting everyone’s name wrong, Bruce Forsyth copping a feel of Tess Daly‘s boob in the opening dance, Bruce Forsyth looking like he only wanted to go down the shops and he doesn’t know why everyone’s staring at him and all the lights are making him confused. Yes, we’re pleased that Strictly Come Dancing is back.

But anyway, this isn’t about us. This is about Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. So here’s our recap, for Lisa Snowdon…

Lisa Snowdon – Teaming Lisa Snowdon up with Brendan Cole for Strictly Come Dancing seems like an inspired choice – between the pair of them, they’ve got just about self-regarding smugness to power a cruise ship for a decade. But how would that translate to dancing? Hard to tell. Lisa Snowdon’s opening Strictly Come Dancing performance was a salsa to Rhythm Is Gonna Get You that was timid and slaggy in equal parts. Lisa looked unsure of herself for most of the routine, except for the bits where she got to stomp around waggling her norks about like an angry whore. Unsurprising, they were the parts that the Strictly Come Dancing judges loved, and they told her that next week she needs to get ‘dirtier’. So you should probably brace yourself for a dildo frenzy, in that case. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow: our Strictly Come Dancing recap for Jodie Kidd.