Back in the late 90s, you couldn’t move for Steps. The sexually androgynous fivesome were on every TV show going, polluting people’s eyes with their garish costumes and annoyingly catchy dance moves.

Although they were generally held accountable for the music charts breakdown, and the antithesis of how well music was doing after that dreadful New Romantic nonsense in the 80s, they were great.

People with sense (read: liked Nirvana and “proper music”, as well as people who use air quotes) hated them because they were uncomplicated bubblegum pop, and spawned a whole legion of imitators that wanted to get children begging their parents for whatever corporate product they were shilling that month. Can anyone remember A*Teens and the allegedly IRA-sponsored B*witched? If you were in a band, you needed to have an asterisk in your name. It became de rigeur to not spell things the correct way. Maybe they couldn’t credit fans with the correct spelling.

Maybe they were all just outrageously dyslexic.

Well Steps were the forefathers of all these pretenders, and pretty much ruled over mainsteam media until their abrupt split on Boxing Day 2001, just days after they released their greatest hits album. A more cynical person might say that this was just a ploy to get one last album out before they split. And that cynical person would probably be right, and probably should get a pat on the back.

The reasons behind why they did split was always a closely guarded secret, like the Holy Grail, or Cher’s real face, but ten years after their split, and presumably as their bank balances have been dwindling close to part time McDonald’s employee status, the fivesome have joined forces again, in association with Sky Living.

Steps Reunion is the product of that reunion, and was a blooming good attempt at making the viewer feel sorry for the five people who, ten years ago, wanted people to rip their eyes and make eye soup, just so they had something hot to throw in H’s face.

It turns out that the reasons behind the split are a beautiful mixture of nepotism and egocentrism, mainly on the part of Ian ‘H for Hyperactive’ Watkins and Claire ‘Look look, I’m thin, no I’m fat, no I’m thin’ Richards. Watkins was boffing the manager and started to get a bigger part (no pun intended, you filthy monsters) and that annoyed other members of the group, and Claire had basically had enough and wasn’t getting enough eclairs. So she thought ‘I know what I’ll do! I’ll take my dangly tonsils elsewhere and see who else will pay me millions for singing some Bananarama and Bee Gees songs.’

Obviously we’re paraphrasing. We’re not allowed into the inner sanctum of Steps, and probably never will be. But Steps Reunion makes us want to try that little bit harder.

“Dramatic” footage, made more poignant by playing that Adele song everyone loves, illustrated times when the band were coming to the end of their collective career, and as the five started their journey back together for one last time, we were treated to lots of back seat chauffeured speculation about how they were feeling about getting back together. They were all very nervous. Luckily. Imagine how the tension would have been broken if Lisa Scott-Lee was more concerned with remembering her Oyster card.

Steps Reunion is finally answering the questions that no one was asking, and we can’t wait for part two. Where H and Claire sit down with the other three and explain why they broke up the band. We’re guessing that H won’t be that bothered.

Strangely enough, there’s a new Steps Greatest Hits album out to coincide with this series, but who are we to throw cynical aspersions on this? We can probably leave you to make your own mind up. *cough* corporate ploy *cough*

This article was written, blindfolded, by the debauched nincompoop Robin Darke who you can find out more on via this stream of twaddle.

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With Big Brother finishing this week, you’d think we’d be free of reality TV for a while.

Well you can take that assumption and shove it down the toilet. Various broadcasters have given the green light to more of them than ever. X Factor contains more sob stories and wobbly contestants then ever before and Strictly Come Dancing has returned – sadly with no variation. Surely everyone agrees with us when we say Strictly Come Dancing On Broken Glass And Stinging Nettles would have generated more interest?

Not content with having one reality show on their network, ITV has decided to launch a brand new show on the less popular ITV2 channel. CelebAir sees eleven celebrities staffing a real plane as it flies genuine people on holiday. Now, we realise that airplane security has been strict lately, but surely this is an act of terrorism in the making.

Would you really trust eleven people who are only using this dire excuse of a programme for magazine stories to look after you 30,000 feet up in the air? No, of course you wouldn’t. It’d be like asking Gary Glitter to babysit your children.

Still, there are plenty of deluded people out there – including programme commissioners at ITV, who really think it’s a good idea to have a whole platter of washed-up celebrities looking after people on a plane. So who are these people who’ll get the chance to clean up your vomit and accidentally scald you with coffee? According to a press release they are:

Tamara Beckwith – Famous for being famous, she seems to have a knack for being on terribly made reality shows. Check out her CV – Celebrity Scissorhands, Come Dine With Me, Celeb Detox, So You Think You Can Teach and Celebrities Under Pressure.

Chico – The really irritating novelty from X Factor returns to drop in his crap catchphrase of “what time is it?” 356 times per episode. Never trust anyone with just one name. Remember Hitler?

Phil Cornwall – Actor and comedian who will try and put a brave face on the fact he is starring in this show, but will actually weep in the corner when not on camera.

Kenzie – One of the former members of Blazin’ Squad who at best resembled a pissed-up gang of kids on a Friday night. Most notably known for being ripped to shreds on Never Mind The Buzzcocks and nothing else apart from other reality shows.

Amy Lamé – Her surname sums up this show. But without the fancy spelling. We know this before it’s even started.

Lisa Maffia – Despite having a name that sounds like she has connections to the criminal underworld, her craptastic solo career has seen her star in other dire reality shows like The Games.

Michelle Marsh – The producer’s choice to get more blokes watching. She will no doubt mention that she wants people to believe she is intelligent and can do everyday tasks without getting her tits out.

Dan O’ Connor – We thought he was the son of Des O’ Connor but apparently he’s not.

Mica Paris – The blurb about Mica says she hit the big time back in 1988 when she released her debut, platinum-selling album So Good. Good to see someone is still chewing the fat on their fifteen minutes of fame.

Lisa Scott-Lee – The ex-Steps singer failed to impress anyone with her own MTV series and the memory of her skating around during Dancing On Ice makes us want to remove our eyes with a blunt knife.

Johnny Shentall – Famed for being married to the not very famous Lisa Scott-Lee, he is yet another failed singer that gives a total of six rubbish musicians for the show.

And if that wasn’t enough, it’s presented by Angellica Bell. You know, the ex-kids TV presenter who is struggling to find proper work. Never mind, this show has all the makings of a comedy despite it meant to be a serious and grueling test for those involved.

CelebAir starts tonight on ITV2 at 9pm – keep fresh batteries near you just in case the ones in the remote happen to fail.

Remember when MTV used to be remotely hip, cutting edge and worth watching?

The very same days when it used to play the occasional music video as well. Times have now changed and seemingly anyone that’s been in the papers is getting their own show on the once-credible network.

In the past, viewers have had to endure washed up pop star Lisa Scott Lee and her crap attempt at trying to get a song into the charts. Even the human car crash that is Kerry Katona has given us a warts-and-all show, literally, to give an insight into the life of a fame-hungry, media-seeking bint, who also happens to be another failed musician. If you can call her that. And lest we forget Tila Tequila, social crusader.

He may not be a singer of any kind, but Calum Best has pointlessly been baptised into the celebrity world. His dad was a footballer, you know. And a chap with a passion for alcohol, so much so it broke his liver. So, simply because he came from Best Snr’s semen, young Calum automatically becomes famous… ?

Annoying for us, isn’t it, The scum of the world? We do our day-to-day jobs and we never get noticed for it, yet someone else gets a leg up on the fame ladder simply because Daddy kicked a ball about a bit. One rule for celebrities and another for us. Hecklerspray has tons of mates in other professions. Our mate Phil is a mechanic. Would you let us repair your vehicle because we know someone in that trade? Of course not.

After actually wondering what Calum Best has done to make the world a better place, we’ve failed to find anything. Has he inherited the fancy footwork of his late father?

At one point, he did try out for Man Utd, but gave it up to be a model. Not the best career move, it saw him relocate to badly-made reality shows like Love Island. He’s not a global activist either, campaigning to free the rare Glaktal Thai jellyfish that has a world population of 351, or whatever it is these people do.

He’s actually just a serial shagger.

Based on his proper laddish reputation, a monkey at MTV came up with a show to no doubt send teenage girls into fits of hysterical swooning. The press release really does say it all:

“Best’s challenge during the show will be to remain celibate for 50 days. The Celebrity Love Island star will tour the world attempting to ditch his lothario image.”

Why Calum Best? And who at MTV thinks we want to see someone not wank? He’s the least talented person in the world of already-talentless celebrities. An unskilled Polish bricklayer with no hands – or eyes – has more skills than him. If anything it’s something that would be more appropriate to God TV. Christians have to give something up for lent when Easter rolls around. So why not wait ’til next year to screen the show – we can wait – and make it a topical religious program?

If he can’t go without fondling himself for 50 days, then it leaves a problem for MTV. Whilst they may find themselves short on episodes, at least they can keep the footage of the dirty deed for resale. We’re sure there are people out there who are into that sort of thing. It may generate enough money for a cup of coffee at least.

Hmm, it leaves us with a dilemma too. For a potential 50 days we can’t call him a wanker. We’ll just have to resort to naming him a twat. Oh well.