We’re going to start this off by dragging your collective minds out of the gutter… we mean the lips on her face. Anyone who thought different will be made to sit and write 1,000 lines, with an also-ostracised Editor Mof Gimmers.

Explaining why her breasts were cast to offset the bombastic and yet somehow monotonous and threadbare work of Michael Bay, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has spoken about the facial features that got her bullied in secondary school.

It’s going to be a long summer filled with less-than-special effects and poorly-implemented 3D that’s going to make you whimper for something lower tech. A few of this season’s films look especially ropey on the old effects there; The Green Lantern and Captain America among the worst. As not even boys can suffer through 120 minutes of explosions, all of these films are going to have bonus boobs. Boobs, attached to some pretty-but-interchangeable woman, who’s onscreen intermittently to remind you there is a God.

In this case, those boobs belong to Rosie. She replaces an angry Megan Fox who left to join the Spice Girls, or something, according to an annoyed-sounding Shia LaBeouf.

Oh, did we not mention, Rosie was cast in Transformers: Dark Of The Moon because she’s comfortable larking about in her skivvies. Speaking about Megan’s departure, Shia told a newspaper that

‘Mike films women in a way that appeals to a 16-year-old sexuality. It’s Michael’s style. And I think [Megan] never got comfortable with it… Rosie comes with this Victoria’s Secret background, and she’s comfortable with it, so she can get down with Mike’s way of working and it makes the whole set vibe very different.’

Boobs. We actually weren’t kidding about that.

The model seems passable at worst in the trailer. But she’s doing herself no favours in her interviews. Not that it’s her fault, but time and time again she’s asked about her famous pout. Speaking to Maxim, Rosie admits her lips have magical powers. Which, of course, means she’s a witch and should be burned at the stake.

‘The rest of my body requires a lot of upkeep, but the lips are one thing I don’t have to work on. They’re funny, because they change colour with my mood. They get really, really red when I’m angry or passionate, and pale when I’m miserable or tired. But I suppose everyone else’s do too. They have a life of their own. they get me in trouble. You know mood rings? I’ve got mood lips.’

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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Sarah Harding has ‘finally’ admitted she has had lip fillers, in a move that has left us feeling as violently disinterested as we are unshocked. But hey, we’ve got pages to fill and mouths to feed, so on we trudge with the inevitable succession of self-consciously acerbic and needlessly vitriolic words.

Thank Christ for thesauruses, that’s all we’ll say.

If you don’t know who Ms Harding is, she’s of some time girl-band-singing-about-love-machines fame (they mean their fannies) and oft time going-out-on-the-razzle-dazzle fame (drinking shitloads of Barcardi Breezers – the half sugar ones, obvs – and trying not to flash aforementioned fanny at the paps), or if you prefer, she was in Girls Aloud. So, what’s this about her plump lips?

Well, Harding admitted that:

“It’s not something I’m going to be trying again, or anything I would recommend to anyone else. But yeah, around Christmas I got a little bit experimental and decided to have some fillers in my lips. Clearly that was a big mistake.”

Ah, celebs getting experimental. It’s an interesting move and one that begs the question, why would you decide to experiment on your FACE? By pumping some stuff into it that makes you look like the love child of Jordan and one of the Riddlers (who, rumour has it, is next on the hit list of the terrifying machine of tits and tabloid tales that is Katie Price)? Has the woman never heard of Lesley Ash (God rest her face)?

See Harding’s hilarious lips here.

We suggest that, in future, if the urge for experimentation creeps up on her again, like an unexpected pap who you could never reasonably expect to be lurking outside The Ivy or ChinaWhite as you elegantly stumble outside following an evening of delightful entertainment and hours spent powdering your nose, Sarah tries experimenting with her musical direction. By having some for example. Or simply by improving, if improvement on pure genius is even possible, on such lyrical brilliance as “Let’s go, Eskimo, Out into the blue”. (Racist overtones there, but we won’t open up that can of toilet attendant-shaped worms just yet).

As the lady herself says:

‘I’ve always said I’ll try anything once, but I’ve definitely learned my lesson now.

‘I think it’s very easy to go too far.’

So much innuendo, so little point. You can simply imagine she’s referring to all sorts of grot there by using your very own brains.

You disgust us.

Right, we’re off to experiment with some pig fat from a Ginsters pork pie and a needle we found in the bathroom bin. Kim Kardishan arse cheeks here we come…

This was a guest post by Leah Kayles who can have you in a fight and you can read more of her obviously amazing words at SmellMyCheese

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You may have seen photos of Michael Jackson's bruised and scarred new face – but so what? 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery' isn't news, it's an event so regular that horologists use it to keep timepieces accurate.

But 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery Because He Was Punched In The Face By A Child And His Lips Exploded' – now that's news. Fortunately, that seems to be the exact thing that happened to Michael Jackson recently. According to reports, the reason why Michael Jackson suddenly needed surgery on his face was because his five-year-old son Prince Michael II accidentally smacked him, causing his mouth to 'burst and collapse' in the style of a gruesome straight-to-DVD horror movie. Reports that Prince Michael II then went for a knife, wailing "And this is for You Rock My World" are as yet unconfirmed.

All being well, The Jackson Five will go on tour next year with Michael Jackson included in the line-up. Whether or not Michael Jackson will reprise his winning vocals on songs like ABC and I Want You Back or just stand in the shadows self-consciously jigging from side to side in silence because his face looks like it's been half-eaten by a hungry pig, though, will mostly be down to how much his plastic surgery has healed by then.

Earlier this week, newspapers and websites were full of pictures of Michael Jackson's horribly bandaged face, prompting speculation that he'd undergone even more plastic surgery. And if these new reports are correct, that's exactly what he's done. However, Michael Jackson didn't have plastic surgery on his mouth because of vanity or anything like that – Michael Jackson had plastic surgery on his face because he was beaten up by a tiny infant child.

Apparently Michael Jackson was playing around with his five-year-old son Prince Michael II when the boy walloped him him the mouth and burst his face wide open. Prince Michael II, of course, is the child that Michael Jackson once dangled from a balcony like a nimrod, but it's not known if the boy slammed his fist into Michael Jackson's kisser because of that.

According to a source – who seems to enjoy life's more horrible details a little too much – this is how the Michael Jackson lip explosion went down:

"He was whacked in the face accidentally by his younger son Prince Michael II while playing around and part of Jackson's upper lip collapsed. That mishap led an hysterical Jacko to make a beeline for the plastic surgeon for a bit of quickie repair work."

Now, imagine that you're five years old and you've just accidentally hit your Dad in the face, only for a considerable section of it to explode, leading to him screaming and flailing around and bleeding lip-gore everywhere. Usually that'd be a profoundly distressing incident for a normal child to have caused, but on the other hand his Dad is Michael Jackson, so this all probably ranks fairly low on the weirdometer.

And, of course, our heart also goes out to Michael Jackson. We can't imagine what it must be like for him so suffer such grisly injuries from an attack by his own young son. It must be almost enough to put him off children for good.

Read more:

Jackson's lips 'burst and collapsed' – Metro 

Have you ever wanted to look like Teri Hatcher? No, us neither – although we would like our lips to look like Teri Hatcher's lips. Nothing else, though – you can keep the granny-claws and dangle-boobs, thanks.

So many other people want lips like Teri Hatcher's – essentially normal-looking lips that have kissed Superman – that Teri Hatcher was signed up to be the face and mouth of lip-plumper product Hydroderm. However, Hydroderm says that Teri Hatcher broke her contract by also promoting rival lip-plumper product City Lips, and is suing her for it. However, Teri Hatcher's lips aren't taking this sort of nonsense sitting down, so Teri Hatcher is publicly declaring that she didn't breach any kind of contract.

This is big news, folks, probably the biggest news of the day that you can't even bring yourself to giving even half of a mouse's left bollock about.

Admit it, you want Teri Hatcher's lips. We want Teri Hatcher's too, but only so long as they're sawn off and put in a jar first. We'd hate for them still to be attached to Teri Hatcher when we get them. Her voice sort of annoys us.

But so many people also want Teri Hatcher's lips that they'd be just as happy to make their own lips look like Teri Hatcher's – and for that they'd need Hydroderm lip plumper, the product that signed Teri up to be its public face in 2005. You must have seen the Hydroderm adverts – the ones of Teri Hatcher crying and stumbling around a crockery shop knocking dinner-sets off shelves with her gigantic lips that make her look as if someone tried to force-feed her a bright-red bouncy castle before getting bored halfway through and wandering off. "Hydroderm: For Making People Think You Can't Speak Properly," that was the slogan. You must have seen them.   

Anyway, as we reported earlier in the week, Hydroderm is suing Teri Hatcher for breach of contract because it claims that Hatcher was also promoting City Lips lip plumper at the same time, and wants $2.4 million plus $400,000 expenses back from her. But Teri Hatcher has decided to fight back, by telling the media that it's all a lot of arses, blaming. According to the Associated Press:

In his response, filed Thursday, Hatcher's attorney, Joseph Taylor, wrote that the actress did not make deals with other cosmetic companies, did "absolutely nothing wrong and has been ready, willing, able and eager" to work for Hydroderm, having participated in an all-day photo shoot and having made herself available for TV appearances.

So who's right and who's wrong here? We only wish we could care. But, for the sake of a quiet life, let's hope that Teri Hatcher wins this lawsuit, because if she stops being allowed to promote products for lip plumper then it's inevitable that she'll end up using her granny-claws and dangle-boobs to model other stuff. Granny-claws and dangle-boobs.

Read more:

Teri Hatcher Defends Herself Over Deal – Associated Press