We’re going to start this off by dragging your collective minds out of the gutter… we mean the lips on her face. Anyone who thought different will be made to sit and write 1,000 lines, with an also-ostracised Editor Mof Gimmers.
Explaining why her breasts were cast to offset the bombastic and yet somehow monotonous and threadbare work of Michael Bay, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley has spoken about the facial features that got her bullied in secondary school.
It’s going to be a long summer filled with less-than-special effects and poorly-implemented 3D that’s going to make you whimper for something lower tech. A few of this season’s films look especially ropey on the old effects there; The Green Lantern and Captain America among the worst. As not even boys can suffer through 120 minutes of explosions, all of these films are going to have bonus boobs. Boobs, attached to some pretty-but-interchangeable woman, who’s onscreen intermittently to remind you there is a God.
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Sarah Harding has ‘finally’ admitted she has had lip fillers, in a move that has left us feeling as violently disinterested as we are unshocked. But hey, we’ve got pages to fill and mouths to feed, so on we trudge with the inevitable succession of self-consciously acerbic and needlessly vitriolic words.
Thank Christ for thesauruses, that’s all we’ll say.
If you don’t know who Ms Harding is, she’s of some time girl-band-singing-about-love-machines fame (they mean their fannies) and oft time going-out-on-the-razzle-dazzle fame (drinking shitloads of Barcardi Breezers – the half sugar ones, obvs – and trying not to flash aforementioned fanny at the paps), or if you prefer, she was in Girls Aloud. So, what’s this about her plump lips?
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You may have seen photos of Michael Jackson's bruised and scarred new face – but so what? 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery' isn't news, it's an event so regular that horologists use it to keep timepieces accurate.
But 'Michael Jackson Has Plastic Surgery Because He Was Punched In The Face By A Child And His Lips Exploded' – now that's news. Fortunately, that seems to be the exact thing that happened to Michael Jackson recently. According to reports, the reason why Michael Jackson suddenly needed surgery on his face was because his five-year-old son Prince Michael II accidentally smacked him, causing his mouth to 'burst and collapse' in the style of a gruesome straight-to-DVD horror movie. Reports that Prince Michael II then went for a knife, wailing "And this is for You Rock My World" are as yet unconfirmed.
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Have you ever wanted to look like Teri Hatcher? No, us neither – although we would like our lips to look like Teri Hatcher's lips. Nothing else, though – you can keep the granny-claws and dangle-boobs, thanks.
So many other people want lips like Teri Hatcher's – essentially normal-looking lips that have kissed Superman – that Teri Hatcher was signed up to be the face and mouth of lip-plumper product Hydroderm. However, Hydroderm says that Teri Hatcher broke her contract by also promoting rival lip-plumper product City Lips, and is suing her for it. However, Teri Hatcher's lips aren't taking this sort of nonsense sitting down, so Teri Hatcher is publicly declaring that she didn't breach any kind of contract.
This is big news, folks, probably the biggest news of the day that you can't even bring yourself to giving even half of a mouse's left bollock about.
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