Britney Spears asking if Hinduism was like Kabbalah? No surprise. Lynne Spears writing a parenting guide with one daughter a pregnant schoolgirl and another daughter in a mental hospital? Saw it coming.

Jamie Lynn Spears getting underage liposuction on her stomach because she was getting fat but didn’t realise it was because she was pregnant? No, wait, that is actually profoundly stupid. So it’s just as well that Jamie Lynn Spears said it didn’t happen, then, even though everyone else said it did.

These members of the Spears family are really starting to make our blood boil. They just sit there, completely inert, until Britney Spears decides to release an album – at which point they all leap to life, hoping that they can catch a glimmer of Britney’s limelight to demonstrate a new facet of their perpetual cluelessness.

Just today Kevin Federline decided to use Britney’s fleeting moment of glory to blame his own children for his divorce in print, and now it seems like Jamie Lynn Spears might have had liposuction during pregnancy because she didn’t understand why she was getting so fat. What next? A story about Sean Preston cutting his face off with Crayola? A YouTube video of Old Nanna Spears walking into a closed screen door 150 times over the course of half an hour?

But anyway, back to our original point. Rumours are circulating that Jamie Lynn Spears had liposuction treatments on her stomach while she was pregnant with her daughter because she couldn’t understand why she was getting all, like, fat and crap. The Boston Herald reports:

The teenage star discovered that weight was piling on and pleaded with her mom, Lynne, to let her get liposuction, Star Magazine reports. “She didn’t know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure,” a source said. “Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient.”

Now, we feel we should point out that Jamie Lynn Spears has denied these claims, but we don’t know if that’s better or worse. Ask yourself this – would you rather unknowingly blunder into a liposuction procedure despite being pregnant, or would you rather people just thought that you were such a bafflingly stupid shitclump that pregnant liposuction was a perfectly feasible thing to expect from you? Jamie Lynn Spears can’t really win either way, can she?

We’ve been here before, of course. Remember when it was claimed that Jamie Lynn Spears had got pregnant again because she thought that breastfeeding was a natural contraceptive? Turns out that wasn’t true. See? Jamie Lynn Spears is a lot more intelligent than you give her credit for.

And that other time, too, when Jamie Lynn Spears was so scared of telling anyone about her pregnancy that she had to write a letter about it and hand it to her mother? Yeah, that one wasn’t true eith…

Wait, that one was true? Dear God. We retract everything.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

The woman who can honestly say Brian McFadden was the best she had, is to spend a small fortune on a set of fresh body parts. Despite continually protesting she’s brassic, she’s to splurge £15,000 on the full-body-service including breast reduction and liposuction.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window) >>

According to OK! magazine, Britney Spears seems to think that the easiest way to solve all her problems is to spend $18,000 on getting her gut, hips and thighs liposuctioned, $25,000 to slam a less haggard pair of fake boobies inside her, $18,000 on a tummy-tuck and $20,000 on a brand-new schnoz. But why stop there? After all, if Britney Spears really wants all her troubles to go away she should also think about getting her hair Teflon-coated so she can't start indiscriminately shaving it off in a rage; also, surely the technology exists to replace Britney's tumpsy with something nicer to look at next time she goes out without any knickers, like a picture of a monkey or an LED news ticker.

Sure, Britney Spears might be the most popular thing on the whole of the internet again this year, but not for the right reasons. Where in the past, internet users searched for images of Britney's genitalia out of sheer titillation, this year they've mostly done it so they can print them out and use them to warn their children that it'll come and eat them in their sleep if they don't do their homework.

And Britney Spears knows only too well that she has an image problem. Twelve solid months of endless custody battles and erratic, child-endangering behaviour and rumours of drug-use and lacklustre performances have hurt Britney's career more than anything, but Britney knows what'll fix all that – a brand new conk.

According to OK! magazine, Britney Spears wants to blow $81,000 on a total cosmetic surgery overhaul of her body, because she just isn't happy with her life and it's generally easier to have some fat sucked out of her arse than face up to her deep-seated emotional problems. According to a friend of Britney's:

“She's always worrying about what she looks like. She checks pictures of herself on the Internet every night and criticizes every single one."

This sudden decision to have her body completely altered comes just over a month after Britney Spears got a brand new set of lips and a freshly-Botoxed forehead, and now she's decided to go the whole hog. And, actually, maybe it's not such a bad idea.

After all, Britney Spears earns $81,000 every three and a half days – so it's not exactly a fortune for her. Plus, think of the upsides to it all – with a brand-new appearance there's a chance that Britney's sons wouldn't recognise her so easily, so they'd probably cry a lot less when they were around her.

And if that's not enough, Britney could ask to keep the old breasts, nose and buckets of liposuctioned fat and use them to create a wobbly, unstable-looking Britney Spears puppet that she could strap up on wires and get to perform live for her so she wouldn't need to in the future. It couldn't be less convincing than Britney was at the MTV VMAs, at least.

Read more:

OK! Exclusive: Britney's $81,000 Makeover Plans – OK!