Another day, another pile of near-paedophillic crap comes spewing our way – it’s Ali Lohan’s turn again today.

There seems to be an endless stream of reports flowing out in recent months, all concerning subjects that are – not that we place ourselves as moral crusaders, but – inappropriate for the young girls they are talking about.

We’ve had the three thousand stories about 15-year-old Miley Cyrus and her penchant for getting nude and making everyone feel a bit ill, and now it’s time for Lindsay Lohan‘s sister, Ali, to take the brunt of the press’ speculation about whether or not she’s had surgical enhancements.

Oh, did we mention she’s a 14-year-old girl who is barely in the public eye? The same 14-year-old girl who caused a frenzy by auditioning for [a man who used to direct] porn, in a film that was [not] porn?

Yes, she’s that one.

But fortunately this time we have an ally in the fight against all that is a bit weird in the world of the celebrity press – she who is on a quest for all that is good and right in the world, the mighty Lindsay Lohan.

If this were a year or two back, that would be a pretty daft statement to make, as Lindsay would probably be naked, upside down, coated in smack and/or booze and speaking in tongues to the legions of paparazzi around her, but not now.

Now we have what appears to be a newly lesbianised Lindsay in a stable relationship, clean and set for marriage – in fact, the last bad thing she did was offend her dad by accident.

And frankly, that’s not that bad a thing.

The newly-crowned heroine of all that is good, clean and right on the planet decided to set the world to rights through the mightiest of media powers – her MySpace page. Obviously this would normally be reserved for telling the world about her most recent car crash, drunken bust-up or non-stop nude-o-rama, but the once-amazing-now-boring 22-year-old is now using the powers of the Murdoch empire to cure the many ills of society.

Starting with her young sister’s body.

Lindsay, writing on her MySpace blog, wrote these words (and far too many exclamation marks):

“i just had to share something that came up today and it made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. so, here’s the visual…two paparazzi come up out of nowhere (like usual) and start throwing questions at me…one of them being, ‘Hey Lindsay, what do you have to say about people commenting on your sisters implants?’ WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Continuing the fight for all that is right on the planet earth, Lindsay followed her incredulity with a witty snap back at the pro-snapper, as her blog continued:

“‘Did you really just ask me that? She is a 14 year old girl, and you are a pedophile!”

See – we told you she was fighting on hecklerspray‘s side.

Now we just wait on the news to come out that Ali Lohan actually has had surgery – it’s not like it’s beyond the realms of rational thought, what with Dina being involved somewhere along the lines.

Why we’re surprised by this, we simply do not know.

It isn’t like things on the internet, or in the news media in general are reported in a straightforward, to the point and down the line fashion now, is it? So it shouldn’t be surprising to see that a story circulating about Ali Lohan – Lindsay’s sister – has brought the internets to near meltdown.

And why? Because there’s porn involved.

You can always rely on the viral nature of the internet to make a story about a 14-year-old girl auditioning for a film produced by a former porn director one of the most popular things about. Rather unsurprisingly, it’s happened today.

What happened though? Well – exactly what it says in that sentence above. Ali Lohan, sister of hecklerspray favourite Lindsay Lohan, auditioned for a movie. She wants to be famous, you see – really famous.

As it turned out, one of the producers of this film, Peter Davy, had something of a history when it came to the films he made, with his portfolio including such hits as ‘Dreams in the Forbidden Zone’, ‘Voodoo Lust: The Possession’ and the rather-more-obviously-titled but, shockingly enough, still an adult film ‘Bun Sisters 12′.

But before the world does actually implode in the apparent knowledge that an underage girl auditioned for porn to help kickstart her career of fame and fortune, like that hasn’t ever happened before, we have to point out that the movie Ali auditioned for, ‘Troll‘, is categorically not anything to do with the adult entertainment industry.

Though it does have adults involved in its creation and it is actually entertainment, so, maybe we could go with: ‘Ali Lohan entering adult entertainment industry’ as a line. Though we don’t really want to be sued that much.

No, what Ali Lohan auditioned for was a role in a low budget potential crapothon remake of an 80s fantasy film, with a lead character called Turok. And that’s about it. It’s a story that can be summed up in one or two sentences, and one that can be resolved in less than a paragraph.

Yet because it involves:

a) The internets, and

b) The mention of porn

It becomes a whirling dervish of a story, decimating all the entertainment sites and forums it comes across, leaving nothing but confused readers in its wake. It’s testament to how downright pathetic this whole thing can be sometimes.

Either that or we’re just moaning because we’ve fallen into the trap of covering the ‘story’ and feel like having something of a ‘pot kettle black’ rant.

Fortunately, we can all rest easy in the thought that Ali did indeed get the part. Unfortunately she probably won’t be taking the role, seeing as her mother, Dina Lohan, has decided she’s going to kill everyone involved in the production of it (according to TMZ, at least, ‘heads will roll’). Seriously – you make a few porn films, audition a young girl for a new movie and her mother finds out then goes mental – what has the world come to?

Mark our words – there shall be a time when the kingdom of Lohan falls.

All the glory and might that now rests in their name shall be replaced with nought but dust and broken walls. What once was mighty shall be brought down

There will be no more delightful Disney movies starring a girl with an awful lot of lesbian curiosity, there will be no more second-rate reality shows starring a mother with an awful lot of child-acting curiosity – and perhaps worst of all, a lot less to blog about.

All will be a memory.

But fear not – for there is one who could save us! It's another Lohan – a secret Lohan – conceived one night when a horny and separated Michael Lohan claims to have boned some old lady out of her head, but not in those words. Now this woman claims a child as a byproduct – and he thinks she might be telling the truth.

Michael Lohan's gentleman-juice is both potent and good. Not only can they navigate through ovarian tubes like a stereotypical Chinaman through a rice field, but once they reach the egg they know exactly what to do – they romance it.

Then, after several weeks of bringing flowers and lifting tiny boom-boxes way up over their little sperm-heads – they get in there and start drilling. This, dear reader, is where a Lohan comes from.

A Lohan, like say, this secret one that's just been revealed. The Male half of the parent-ish Lohans claims that about twelve years ago he was separated from his now ex-wife. He met a very lonely homeless woman who wanted a baby so bad she didn't even care if the father was a 'house-y.' Since Michael is the ultimate Samaritan he obliged her with seed, taking only the sweet smile and gratitude as a one-time payment.

All of that was heavily summarized and built upon. Except the separated-12-years ago-and-made-sweet-love-to-some-lady part.

In Michael Lohan's own words:

"Years later she contacted me convincing me that I was the only person she was with and that she had my child. My lawyers will sort this out."

No mention has yet been made of any DNA testing. No need, really. The kid was born with a Disney contract in its hand and the number of a chain-smoking short-haired homosexual in it's tiny little speed dial.

It's his all right.

Lindsay Lohan wants to merge the musical styles of Kylie and Rihanna for her upcoming album.

Lindsay Lohan is determined to pursue her music career, according to The Daily Telegraph (of Australia), with Kylie's and Rihanna's back catalogue the inspiration behind her new record. Lohan said:

"I want it to be dance. I want it to be kind of Kylie Minogue meets Rihanna. I hope to tour with it and I hope to really promote it. I've already done three songs. I'm doing my third in New York, actually."

Now, although you may be thinking that it would be a pointless task traveling to New York to finish a song she’s just told us she’s already finished, don’t have a go at her. How about you just put your cynical self to the side for just one moment and wish her all the best? Why not spread a bit of love for a change?

Would you take the piss out of Steven Hawking if he tried to stand up by himself? No, you wouldn’t, so why take the piss out of Lindsay trying to sing? 

Upon being asked as to whether any of her new songs would reflect the troubles of her past year, Lohan said:

"I'm not sure yet, I don't know if I really want to (reflect on them). I think the past is the past and it should be kept there. It's a new slate for me and I want to show that in my new record."

And that’s her prerogative, guys. Shame though, because we were all looking forward to such classics as 'Woke up this morning saw my chuff in the paper’, ‘They told me to go to rehab, I said sure, sure, sure’ and ‘Like A Virgin, Touched For The 5,000th time’.

That’s all well and good and hilarious, but it’s also quite cruel when you think about it. Just like it was when reports of a sex video starring her were leaked on the internet. How would you feel if a grainy image of you eating Callum Best’s dirty fudgestick was circling the internet? The humiliation would surely be enough to drive you to stupidity too.

So let's all forget about how rubbish she is at most things, and try focusing on the positive aspects.

Feel free to point them out below.

Read more – Lindsay wants to be Kylie – The Daily Telegraph