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Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan In Stunning ‘Makes Bad Film’ Shock

by Stuart Heritage

You hear that wheeze? That deathly, haunting wheeze? That’s the dying gasp of Lindsay Lohan’s movie career.

Or maybe it’s just how Lindsay Lohan breathes. We honestly can’t say for sure. But anyway, Lindsay Lohan’s film career does seem to be in a bit of a pickle at the moment – her great big movie comeback Labor Pains isn’t going to be released theatrically in America.

That’s bad news for Lindsay Lohan, but worse news for us – Labor Pains is still getting an international theatrical release. Basically what we’re saying is give us sanctuary in America. We’ll clean pools. Anything. Please.

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WEBTHUMP! Thursday 26 March 2009

by Stuart Heritage

10 – Seven superpowers ruined by science – Cracked

9 – Watch this video. Pause it at the 15 second mark. Try and predict what happens next. You will fail – I Am Bored

8 – Here’s a list of all the reasons why Eminem’s comeback witll fail – Independent

7 – Because it’s been vaguely sunny for about 30 seconds, here’s a recipe for a kickass Strawberry Daiquiri – Domesticsluttery

6 – Looks like Amy Winehouse is officially rubbish now – Welt

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Kim Kardashian Helps Lindsay Lohan For No Reason Whatsoever

by Stuart Heritage

There’s more to Kim Kardashian than being filmed repeatedly having it off a chap on the internet, you know.

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Lindsay Lohan No Longer On The Lam, Still A Bit Lesbiany

by Stuart Heritage

Sorry to tell you this, but the greatest episode of Dog The Bounty Hunter never made will now stay that way.

Lindsay Lohan is no longer on the run. Sure, for Lindsay Lohan it means her arrest warrant has been quashed and she can get on with her life, but for us it means we’ll have to stop stalking LindsayLohan in bushes with a blowdart and a net, waiting for her to give us a clear shot at her carotid artery.

And we needed that reward money, too. Damn you, Lindsay Lohan. Damn you and your consistent law-abiding tendencies!

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Lindsay Lohan: A Lesbian On The Lam

by Stuart Heritage

Exciting news – Lindsay Lohan has become a fugitive. A fugitive just like in that film, Nuns On The Run.

What terrible crime did Lindsay Lohan commit? Maybe the most terrible crime in the world – there’s a warrant out for Lindsay’s arrest because she marginally changed her alcohol rehabilitation program against the regulations of her probation. Yeah, take that Josef Fritzl – there’s a new girl in town and she means business!

Worse still, Lindsay Lohan could spend a year in jail because of this. So it’s fortunate that she had the good sense to turn lesbian by choice last year, really.

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Lindsay Lohan Is Apparently Going Jewish For Love

by Shawn Lindseth

As Moses gingerly led his people through thousands of deserts over the course of 40 or so years, it was with an incredibly important purpose. And that purpose wasn’t so much to rescue Jehovah‘s favourite people from a life of impoverished slavery as it was to have an ancient religion for Lindsay Lohan to one [...]

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Lindsay Lohan Bangs On About How Skinny She Is Again

by Stuart Heritage

Your Lindsay Lohan typically comes in two sizes – there’s your regular Lindsay Lohan and your alarmingly thin Lindsay Lohan.

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Lindsay Lohan & Sam Ronson Have A Fight: Oh, Look Surprised

by Stuart Heritage

Speculation over Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson’s relationship has been running wild over recent months.

But let’s give credit where it’s due. It doesn’t matter how bad things seem to be between them, Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are at least limiting their embarrassing public spats to major calendar events. Following their New Year’s Eve blow-up, Lindsay and Sam have decided to have a Valentine’s Day fight as well.

Fans of hearing the same old nonsense should read on – everyone else should wait for Pancake Day, when Lindsay Lohan plans to set fire to Sam Ronson’s feet.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Dad Wants YOU To Ruin His Daughter’s Happiness

by Stuart Heritage

Lindsay Lohan and her dad Michael have a complex relationship – you never know who the biggest twonk is.

Obviously your first instinct is Lindsay Lohan. She’s not just a twonk these days – she’s a professional twonk, with her every move painstakingly calibrated for maximum twonkiness. But look closer and you’ll see that Michael Lohan comprehensively out-twonks his daughter.

Why? Because Michael Lohan has written a blog post urging the public to help him split Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson up, that’s why. Oh, but he does consistently refer to Sam Ronson as SaMANtha, so at least wit’s on his side, eh?

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Mark Ronson Don’t Like Lindsay Lohan Schtupping His Sister

by Stuart Heritage

Sam Ronson isn’t just the sourfaced, hat-wearing lesbian who’s subjected to the sight of Lindsay Lohan’s pubes more than anyone else, you know.

No, Sam Ronson is also the sister of producer Mark Ronson. They both share quite a dominant ‘terrible haircut’ gene. And they’re both DJs too, which leads us to believe that their family is so rich that neither of them to ever have to worry about getting a proper job.

But, anyway, Mark Ronson is apparently trying to end Sam Ronson’s relationship with Lindsay Lohan because he wants to be the famous one again he really cares for her and whatever.

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