Admit it, you were sad when Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson split up. We were, but only because we knew the consequences.

And what consequences they are. Now that she’s split with Sam Ronson, it means that we’ll have to put up with Lindsay Lohan bleating on relentlessly about how sad she is until the end of time. That’s not an exaggeration – we’ll all have to listen to Lindsay Lohan’s self-pity until the literal end of actual time.

Because Lindsay Lohan hasn’t just split up with Sam Ronson – a woman from The Sopranos was also slightly rude to her. Sad.

Here’s a friendly warning, kids – make yourselves comfortable. If you thought that the Rihanna/Chris Brown thing dragged on, or that the Phil Spector trial got a bit boring after the first three months, you’re in for a nasty surprise. Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up and we don’t think that we’re going to hear the end of it. Ever.

It’s true. Remember that Lindsay Lohan is the sort of girl who, if she thought that a goat gave her a funny look at a petting zoo, would rattle off thousands of interminable blog posts detailing precisely how that goat had destroyed her hard-won self-esteem even though she’s a good person deep down.

So something a little more serious – like splitting up with her long-term partner – can only result in Lindsay Lohan staggering around bellowing about how sad she is like a moose in a maze until the earth is swallowed up by the sun.

It’s already started – just days after Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson ended it, Lindsay has already elbowed her way onto the front cover of Us Weekly to wail “I AM SO ALONE” in gigantic bright yellow letters. And if you thought that was melodramatic, just wait until you hear what Lindsay said in the accompanying story:

“It’s absolute hell… The worst night of my life… I’m not a bad person and this is what happens. I was raised to treat people well, and I’m so tired of this drama. Everyone’s turned on me,” says the actress. She tells the magazine that the night of the Chateau showdown, Nicole Richie walked by her and said “Uck,” and Drea De Matteo said, “Come at me, bitch.”

That’s terrible. It’s bad enough being dumped, but you know you’ve hit rock bottom when Nicole Richie and the woman who used to be in Joey turn on you. They’re like the Greek choir of crap that nobody could possibly ever bring themselves to care about.

Actually, we do feel a little bit sorry for Lindsay Lohan here. We’ve all been in a similar situation at one point or another in our lives, and the feeling that you’ll never meet another funny-looking mannish lesbian with bad teeth and a shit hat can be overbearing. But it gets better, Lindsay, we promise.

There’s a whole world of people out there, Lindsay, and you can have your pick of any of them. Just make sure it isn’t Calum Best again, OK? Because, although you probably are that stupid, it’d be nice if you chose not to be for once.

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You’ve done a lot of stupid things in the past, Lindsay Lohan – *coughHerbiecough* – but this takes the cake.

Lindsay Lohan has split with Sam Ronson. And it’s meant that Sam Ronson had to change the locks to her apartment, and that Lindsay Lohan has spent most of her time thumping out all kinds of illegible fury on her Twitter page. But why so stupid?

Because it’s Easter, and Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are supposed to mark all major holidays with a public brawl. We were looking forward to that brawl, Lindsay Lohan. You won’t be forgiven in a hurry.

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson shared the love that dare not speak its name. True, the main reason that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson’s love dare not speak its name is because if it did then Lindsay and Sam would start punching each other in public, then Lindsay Lohan’s dad would write a blog telling everyone that he hated Sam Ronson, then Lindsay and Sam would both blog furious retaliations and Lindsay Lohan’s mother would make a tedious reality show about it all – but the point still holds firm.

Anyway, it’s not like any of us should worry about it any more, because Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have taken the train to splitsville, upsetting approximately nobody in the process.

Nobody can really say for sure why Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson split up – some say it’s because Sam cheated on Lindsay, some say it’s because Lindsay cheated on Sam, some think that it’s because both Lindsay and Sam came to a mutual understanding that they were both pretty dreadful human beings and split up for the benefit of mankind – but whatever the reason, the aftermath sure was amusing. The New York Daily News reports:

A locksmith was spotted changing the front door bolts at Ronson’s house on Saturday… Though Ronson, did not retaliate on her own Twitter page, Lohan continued to address comments to her former flame writing, “look, i’m doing this publicly because u & ur friends call[ed] people mag … so – you win, you broke my heart. now go away. i loved you.”

As we’ve said, the split is a little bit disappointing – following the New Year’s fight and the Valentine’s Day fight, we were expecting a four-day punching extravaganza between Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson to take place in the middle of Times Square replete with backing dancers and fireworks and the musical stylings of Lionel Richie to mark the Easter weekend – but is it a good or a bad thing?

Well, obviously the relationship was getting a little bit destructive towards the end, so in that respect it’s good that it’s over. But it also means that Lindsay Lohan no longer has a girlfriend to listlessly trail around after night after night, so how is she going to spend her time now? Making films? Don’t be silly. Getting naked again? But she’s already done that.

No, we need to hire a transitional decoy who Lindsay Lohan can hang around with until she’s over the split. Someone who looks identical to Sam Ronson. Does anyone have the number of this beauty?

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