Lindsay Lohan rehab - HecklerSpray

Lindsay Lohan’s Mom Refuses To Pee In A Cup, Everyone Panics

June 3rd, 2013 By Rhiannon Davies

It’s no wonder Lindsay Lohan’s having trouble keeping off the hooch – having her parents would be enough to drive Mother Theresa to drink her liver to kingdom come.?

The pair have been in a constant battle since their split in 2005, with Dina doing everything from accusing her ex-husband of ?beating her whilst off his tits on cocaine to a drunken interview with Dr Phil. In between his constant press releases bashing Dina and telling everyone that Lindsay is a mess, ?Michael even found the time to pen an open letter to his daughter in the form of a song. Like the Von Trapps, if The Sound Of Music was set in a trailer park rather than Austria.

The latest chapter in this never-ending saga involves a lie detector test, a reality TV show, and Dina refusing to pee in plastic cup.

Lindsay Lohan Is No Longer Addicted To Anything Fun; Is No Longer Fun.

January 19th, 2011 By Amy Grindhouse

Lindsay Lohan is no longer an addict of anything. We’d speculated that she’d become addicted to ‘buttons of the chocolate’. Alas, no dice. She’s no longer an addict of anything remotely fun. Nor of anything illegal. Says her father, who’d never lie about that. Never!

Michael Lohan has been speaking to media outlets, who aren’t us, about his daughter’s progress following rehab. Lindsay spent the very end of last year in and out of the Betty Ford facility, withdrawing from her assorted ills.

She’d had dirty drug tests for amphetamines and cocaine in the recent past. However, she’s no longer failing tests and multi-tasking by thumbing her nose at the judge.

Dina Lohan Finally Admits Lindsay Is A Chocolate Buttons Addict… Oh, Wait.

November 10th, 2010 By Amy Grindhouse

Dina Lohan has finally admitted that her daughter, Lindsay Lohan, is an addict. We were excited to learn this, as we’re on pretty hard stuff too. Our weight in chocolate buttons, every time we get the hecklerspray house groceries in.

Giving up is hard to do. Lindsay’s an addict too. She’s not addicted to anything fun, though. She’s in rehab for cocaine. Which is probably less tasty and more deadly than delicious chocolate. At least that means more sweets for us.

While we rip into this unopened pack of melty goodness, we need to update you on all things Lohan. As the entire clan has been acting more cracked-out than usual, in recent weeks.

Lindsay Lohan’s Judge Runs For The Bloody Hills

August 12th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Judge Marsha Revel, the woman presiding over the Lindsay Lohan kerfuffle, has removed herself from the case.

And who can blame her? Just watching a video of Lindsay Lohan in court, sobbing and wailing with her fingernails covered in profanities, was dispiriting enough. Imagine actually being there in person, and being paid to look at it. You’d quit, too, wouldn’t you? You’d quit to spend the rest of your life soaking your eyeballs in surgical alcohol and trying to banish the memory of Lindsay Lohan’s face grimacing with confusion however you could, wouldn’t you? We would.

What? Judge Masha Revel removed herself from the case because prosecutors alleged that she’d had met defence attorneys in private, and not because brief proximity to Lindsay Lohan had irreparably obliterated her psyche? Oh, that’s much less fun.

Lindsay Lohan Leaves Jail A Changed – Or Unchanged – Woman

August 2nd, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Whew! We don’t know about you, but that was one hell of a 90-day period right there. It went so quickly!

It was almost more like 11 days. 11 days, not 90 days. And it’s gone so fast that it even fooled calendars, which also think that only 11 days have passed; and the actual planet, which has spun around 11 times over the last 90 days instead of the 90 times that you would have expected it to over the course of 90 days. This phenomenon has thrown the world of science into chaos, but at least Lindsay Lohan has done well out of it – she’s just completed her 90-day jail sentence, even though you’d think that she was being released 79 days early.

What? Lindsay Lohan is getting released 79 days early? She only served 11 of her 90 days in jail? Oh, whatever.

Lindsay Lohan In Rehab, Michael Lohan Makes It All About Him

July 16th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

You’d think that Lindsay Lohan would spend the next few days drunk, to numb the horror of jail next week.

But no. That’s not Lindsay Lohan’s style. Wait, what are we talking about? That’s precisely Lindsay Lohan’s style. But, for whatever reason – possibly because she thinks it’ll stop her from going to jail in the first place – Lindsay Lohan has checked into a Los Angeles rehab centre at the behest of OJ Simpson‘s old lawyer.

It’ll be tough, but at least Lindsay Lohan’s family has chosen to display some dignity and respect her privacy. Apart from Michael Lohan, obviously, who is essentially treating the news as an opportunity to slip on a neon top hat and screech “LOOK AT ME!” directly into the lens of every single news camera within a three-mile radius of him. Which isn’t really his style. Oh, wait…

Shocking News: Lindsay Lohan May Eventually Die One Day

March 29th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Lindsay Lohan is almost definitely going to die. It might take another 80 years, but she’s pretty much done for.

Poor girl. Nobody knows what’ll kill her – it might be a heart attack, it might be old age, a seagull might clatter into her face and fracture her skull beyond all recognition, she might plunge head-first into a vat of boiling fudge, she might choke on a rollerskate – but Lindsay Lohan is probably going to die at some point, so we should all probably just brace ourselves for the worst now.

Oh, wait, no – we were reading it wrong. Lindsay Lohan might die soon if she doesn’t get herself to rehab right away, according to someone working with her. Oh. That’s actually quite depressing, isn’t it? Sorry.