Sorry to tell you this, but the greatest episode of Dog The Bounty Hunter never made will now stay that way.

Lindsay Lohan is no longer on the run. Sure, for Lindsay Lohan it means her arrest warrant has been quashed and she can get on with her life, but for us it means we’ll have to stop stalking Lindsay Lohan in bushes with a blowdart and a net, waiting for her to give us a clear shot at her carotid artery.

And we needed that reward money, too. Damn you, Lindsay Lohan. Damn you and your consistent law-abiding tendencies!

A remake of the Chained Heat movies starring Lindsay Lohan would certainly be a box office draw, in that it’d be just the same as Chained Heat, but the acting would be worse and the entire audience would be audibly praying for none of the prisoners to take their underwear off.

And until yesterday, the idea of Lindsay Lohan going to jail for a series of glamorous, erotic and weirdly dated adventures seemed like a real possibility, after an arrest warrant was taken out against her following an alleged probation violation involving something about her bloody booze rehab or whatever.

You’ll forgive our lack of details, but it doesn’t really matter any more. You see, Lindsay Lohan’s arrest warrant has been overturned by a judge who may or may not have based his decision on the possibility of seeing I Know Who Killed Me 2: I Also Know Who Excavated My Corpse go into production. AP reports:

Judge Marsha N. Revel determined that the actress has been complying with the terms of her probation but needs to show her treatment program better documentation to avoid future court problems. The judge also noted that Lohan has not failed any drug or alcohol tests. “As you saw in court, this was really much ado about nothing,” [attorney] Holley told reporters after the hearing.

This will be bittersweet news for Lindsay Lohan. After all, it was a similar probation violation that landed Paris Hilton in jail, and the last thing that Lindsay Lohan wants is to become a star of several unsuccessful films and a failed singer like Paris Hil… oh, wait a minute.

Besides, the arrest warrant would have allowed Lindsay Lohan to live rough on the streets forraging for scraps to eat for a while, but now it’s been quashed she’ll have to think of another excuse for why she looks so scrawny and tatty and exhausted all the time. And the new excuse can’t be that she works too hard because, come on, we’ve got eyes.

Still, despite all this the overturning of her arrest warrant will be a huge relief for Lindsay Lohan. Now she’ll able to complete her probation with no more trouble. Unless fighting in public, allegedly stealing outerwear from aristocrats and being a staggeringly objectionable twatflap suddenly become illegal, that is. Because then Lindsay Lohan will be effed.

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Exciting news – Lindsay Lohan has become a fugitive. A fugitive just like in that film, Nuns On The Run.

What terrible crime did Lindsay Lohan commit? Maybe the most terrible crime in the world – there’s a warrant out for Lindsay’s arrest because she marginally changed her alcohol rehabilitation program against the regulations of her probation. Yeah, take that Josef Fritzl – there’s a new girl in town and she means business!

Worse still, Lindsay Lohan could spend a year in jail because of this. So it’s fortunate that she had the good sense to turn lesbian by choice last year, really.

We don’t know if you know this, but Lindsay Lohan is a busy woman. It might not look it, but have you tried plodding around three paces behind a lesbian who looks like she’s from a Specials cover band all the time with a sour look on your face every single day? It doesn’t leave a lot of free time, especially when you also have to mark every public holiday with an embarrassing public squabble.

And it’s this dedication that might just lead Lindsay Lohan to a year-long jail sentence. Right now there’s an arrest warrant on Lindsay Lohan’s head for apparently violating the probation she received after getting hammered on booze and crashing her car in 2007.

Now, before you start getting excited about the re-emergence of Exciting Lindsay Lohan after over year of Pointlessly Dull Lindsay Lohan, you should cool your jets. Lindsay Lohan didn’t violate her probation by accidentally gunning down a bystander, nor by setting a farmyard on fire and setting the burning animals on a rampage through the streets of New York – you know, something fun – but rather for slightly changing the regularity of her alcohol rehabilitation program. Radaronline reports:

“Lindsay simply wants to change her alcohol program, and notified the court that she was leaving [her current program],” says the source. “Lindsay’s intent is simply to change programs [rather than not attend them at all]“. According to the source, the actress must currently attend the class once a week and she wants to change, “because it’s just not a good fit.”

And because she did this, Lindsay Lohan is now on the lam and faces up to a year in jail. Honestly, it’s just like Thelma And Louise, except it’s about a minor bureaucratic infraction instead of murdering a rapist, and the main characters are genuinely tiresome and it probably won’t have the same happy ending.

But, with depressing inevitability, a court hearing has been set up for today, and Lindsay Lohan’s lawyers seem certain that they’ll be able to convince the judge that this was all just a massive misunderstanding and Lindsay will be set free without any real punishment.

It’s a shame, because female prisons are traditionally full of mannish, tired-looking, opportunistic lesbians, so a year-long stint inside one would have provided a number of sure-fire dating possibilities for Lindsay Lohan.

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