Lindsay Lohan jail - HecklerSpray

Lindsay Lohan’s Judge Runs For The Bloody Hills

August 12th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Judge Marsha Revel, the woman presiding over the Lindsay Lohan kerfuffle, has removed herself from the case.

And who can blame her? Just watching a video of Lindsay Lohan in court, sobbing and wailing with her fingernails covered in profanities, was dispiriting enough. Imagine actually being there in person, and being paid to look at it. You’d quit, too, wouldn’t you? You’d quit to spend the rest of your life soaking your eyeballs in surgical alcohol and trying to banish the memory of Lindsay Lohan’s face grimacing with confusion however you could, wouldn’t you? We would.

What? Judge Masha Revel removed herself from the case because prosecutors alleged that she’d had met defence attorneys in private, and not because brief proximity to Lindsay Lohan had irreparably obliterated her psyche? Oh, that’s much less fun.

Lindsay Lohan Leaves Jail A Changed – Or Unchanged – Woman

August 2nd, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

Whew! We don’t know about you, but that was one hell of a 90-day period right there. It went so quickly!

It was almost more like 11 days. 11 days, not 90 days. And it’s gone so fast that it even fooled calendars, which also think that only 11 days have passed; and the actual planet, which has spun around 11 times over the last 90 days instead of the 90 times that you would have expected it to over the course of 90 days. This phenomenon has thrown the world of science into chaos, but at least Lindsay Lohan has done well out of it – she’s just completed her 90-day jail sentence, even though you’d think that she was being released 79 days early.

What? Lindsay Lohan is getting released 79 days early? She only served 11 of her 90 days in jail? Oh, whatever.

Lindsay Lohan Surrounded By Hundreds Of New Friends In Jail

July 26th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

You know what we haven’t had much of lately? Good news about Lindsay Lohan. It’s about time that changed.

Yes, her life is in disarray. Yes, she’s in prison. Yes, the moment she leaves prison she’ll be whisked off to be locked away in rehab for three months. Yes, she has the voice of a Tuvan throat singer with a cold who’s just been karate kicked in the neck. Yes, her family is essentially a gruesome collection of grasping flesh-eaters that she’ll never be free of. Yes, she probably has ginger pubic hair. But let’s be positive – there must be some good news about Lindsay Lohan that we can report.

There is. According to her lawyer, Lindsay Lohan is making lots of new friends in jail. If only other convicted criminals would think of becoming emotionally needy chain-smoking lesbians before they entered jail. Lindsay, you’re an inspiration to us all!

Lindsay Lohan wants to break your ears

July 23rd, 2010 By Ralph Sanders

Incarceration can be a good impulse for the artist. Wilde famously wrote De Profundis, Tupac had a number one album with Me Against The World,? even Hitler managed to stop killing Jews long enough to write Mein Kampf.

So, what's the Lohan up to now she's banged up for being a coke-trousered tosser? Taking in bags of macaroni and glitter? Composing a set of poised, self-critical memoirs? Demanding the destruction of anyone with a suspiciously large nose? ?Admiring the body art on the sexy, sexy ladies that she gets to spend the next couple of months with?

Of course not. She's decided to bang out a handful of whiny tunes about how hard it is to be a hugely famous, hugely disorganised, bell-end.

Besides, Mel Gibson has the whole Jewish thing locked down for when he is inevitably thrown into jail for being the world's most offensive twatbasket.

Lindsay Lohan Makes Going To Jail Look Like a Ruddy Lark

July 21st, 2010 By Amy Grindhouse

Lindsay Lohan, the dangerous and notorious serial chocolate-stealer, is behind bars. Finally.

Oh, what’s that? Lindsay is only in jail because she can’t work her iPhone well enough to set her dates and attend the required number of alcohol education classes. Oh. Isn’t there a ‘Stay Out of Jail, Dumbass‘ App for that? There isn’t? There should be, dammit. How else are celebrities supposed to skate around the law, with grace last seen in Tourville and Dean, and take classes at their leisure rather than do hard time.

Okay, ‘hard time’ isn’t all that hard – usually requiring isolation from non-famous inmates and often serving minutes of their week’s long sentences. But, no matter.

Lindsay Lohan In Rehab, Michael Lohan Makes It All About Him

July 16th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

You’d think that Lindsay Lohan would spend the next few days drunk, to numb the horror of jail next week.

But no. That’s not Lindsay Lohan’s style. Wait, what are we talking about? That’s precisely Lindsay Lohan’s style. But, for whatever reason – possibly because she thinks it’ll stop her from going to jail in the first place – Lindsay Lohan has checked into a Los Angeles rehab centre at the behest of OJ Simpson‘s old lawyer.

It’ll be tough, but at least Lindsay Lohan’s family has chosen to display some dignity and respect her privacy. Apart from Michael Lohan, obviously, who is essentially treating the news as an opportunity to slip on a neon top hat and screech “LOOK AT ME!” directly into the lens of every single news camera within a three-mile radius of him. Which isn’t really his style. Oh, wait…

Lindsay Lohan?s Attorney Likes Her As Much As Everyone Else

July 9th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

That is to say that Lindsay Lohan?s attorney has resigned. And, really, can you blame the poor woman?

You?d resign too. Imagine all she's been through. It must be bad enough looking yourself in the mirror every morning and remembering that your job basically involves defending Lindsay Lohan with a straight face. But then getting to court, realising that Lindsay Lohan has written swearwords across her fingernails and then getting zapped with her accusatory wet-eyed zombie piranha death-stare at the moment of sentencing?

That?d just be too much for anyone to take. So to former Lohan attorney Shawn Chapman Holley, we say this: nobody blames you. And to Lindsay Lohan we say this: please represent yourself from now on. That?d be hilarious.

Lindsay Lohan: Human Rights Abuse Victim? Obviously Not, No

July 8th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

The dignity that Lindsay Lohan has demonstrated in the face of her impending imprisonment is truly admirable.

Oh, hang on. Wait. We were thinking of someone else. Our fault. Sorry. What we actually meant to say was ‘Ha ha ha, Lindsay Lohan has been quoting the UN’s Universal Declaration Of Human Rights on her Twitter page just because she’s going to prison for a few weeks soon, ha ha ha what a colossal helmet’. Yes, that seems more appropriate.

Because that’s what she’s done. Hours after being sentenced to a maximum of 90 days in jail, Lindsay Lohan appears to have singled herself out as a victim of cruel and inhuman punishment. Tell you what Lindsay, you sit all the way through I Know Who Killed Me and then we’ll talk about cruel and inhuman punishment, OK?

Lindsay Lohan To Spend Three Glorious Months In Jail

July 7th, 2010 By Stuart Heritage

After months of skipped court dates and SCRAM violations and lord knows what else, it’s jail for Lindsay Lohan.

Three months of jail, in fact. Which, thanks to severe prison overcrowding and Lindsay Lohan’s celebrity status, probably equates to about four and a half minutes of jail. But, hey, that’s better than nothing. Technically Lindsay’s jail sentence came from her 2007 drink-driving arrests, and subsequent failure to comply with the terms of her probation but, let’s be fair, it could have been for anything.

It’s sad in a way. We think it’ll be Lindsay Lohan’s stream of incoherent tweets that we’ll miss the most. No, the endless photos of her falling over. No, the public spats with her dad. No, nothing. That’s it. We’re going to miss nothing about Lindsay Lohan when she’s in jail.