The bright orange dad made of leather, Hulk Hogan, is in some trouble for trying to hide money from his mad wife, Linda Hogan, who’s going out with someone about three decades younger than herself, while the son, Nick Hogan, sits in jail for nearly killing his best mate and the daughter, Brooke Hogan… well – she just continues to embarrass herself.

Today it’s through the wonderful means of slagging off Paris Hilton via MySpace. What an age we live in! Though we can’t help but find it annoying – we slag that bint off more or less every day, and we have a go at the Hogans and we still don’t get national news exposure.

It’s a bloody popularity contest.

Brooke, obviously not content with just being the daughter of a worldwide phenomenon (who happens to be suffering one of the all-time great falls from grace) and a failed pop starlet has come out and berated Paris Hilton for her opinions, or lack thereof, on politics.

Eagle-eyed view-o-readers may remember that Paris released a spoof campaign video some time in the last week or so, responding to a Republican campaign ad from a few days prior. Obviously this makes her something of a high brow political commentator, or something.

At least, it does in Brooke Hogan’s eyes. Her stupid, stupid eyes.

And poor little Brookey, starved for the attention she normally demands, isn’t very happy with vapid blonde morons having their two cents thrown into the ring when it comes to politics. Nor does she understand the concept of irony, it would seem Writing on her ‘popular’ blog, the Hoganette said:

“Only 54 percent of eligible american voters cast their ballots!!!!!! Half of them are only voting cause its ‘cool’ to vote for so and so…they aren’t even up to date on information,” Brooke wrote. “I’M personally not up to date on the facts, so I don’t wanna make a stupid choice for our country. I WANT to vote but only when I know exactly whats going on. More ppl should think like that. Paris Hilton said ‘yaaaay go vote cause its cool and hott!!!!’ …SHE WASN’T EVEN REGISTERED.”

Maybe it would be fine – maybe we could take this kind of thing at face value, or possibly we could just accept that this girl might actually have something of a politically-charged mind on her shoulders.

But then you do have to remember this is the same Brooke Hogan that said Hillary Clinton shouldn’t run for the US presidency as she would be too ‘emotional’ and ‘crazy’ thanks to PMS and menopause. While we won’t argue with the sentiment, she is clearly talking bum.

We would hope that Paris Hilton would form some kind of new video response to this, but surely not even she is attention-seeking enough to bother responding to a comment by a nobody? We mean, she doesn’t respond to hecklerspray, and we’re somebody.

A big, fat, smelly somebody.

They weren’t – as soon as the show finished Hulk Hogan and Linda Hogan got divorced and took up with insanely young new partners, Nick Hogan wrapped his car around a tree and went to jail and Brooke Hogan… well that chin of hers isn’t looking any less weird, is it?

So what’s going on? Maybe we’ll never know – after all, the Hogans have sold themselves out to the media before and it’s ended in tears, so the sensible thing to do would be to close ranks and figure out their problems in private. Or, if you’re Brooke Hogan, you’ll just go on Access Hollywood and yammer on about it for ages instead. Which is much more fun. Thanks Brooke!

Looking at the Hogan family, it’s remarkable that they stayed together this long. One parent is a veiny, abnormally large brute with bad hair and skin the colour of a bruised testicle who runs around in tiny red knickers for a living, and the other one is Hulk Hogan.

It couldn’t last, and it didn’t. Linda Hogan filed for divorce from Hulk Hogan right after the family’s reality TV show Hogan Knows Best stumbled to a conclusion, claiming that the marriage was ‘irretrievably broken’ – which we think is code for ‘my husband just beat me in an arm wrestle for the first time ever and it’s affected my sense of self-worth’.

Meanwhile, son Nick Hogan crashed his car so badly that his passenger will remain in constant care for the rest of his life, and he’s ended up doing solitary in jail for it. It’s not a perfect state of affairs by any means, and you get the feeling that if the family ever made another reality TV show it’d probably be called something like Look At This Awful Bunch Of Clueless Dickheads.

But, anyway, what about Brooke Hogan? Now that her brother’s in jail, she’s left all by herself – torn between a father who had it off with one of her friends and a mother that’s currently having it off with a boy she used to go to school with.

What would you do in Brooke Hogan’s situation? Go on Access Hollywood and spout off about all your family’s darkest problems in front of an audience of millions for no constructive reason whatsoever? Good, because that’s what Brooke Hogan chose to do as well. MSNBC quotes Brooke:

“I don’t know it’s — it’s been pretty nuts… I have to admit I did have a little bit of a breakdown one time about that ‘cause my brother and I are inseparable… I do feel like if someone can see me slip up, you know, they would love it because it would complete the family craziness.”

Good for Brooke Hogan, we say. She’s seen the damage that a reality TV show can do to people and – regardless of how stupidly the rest of her family has decided to act in public in the wake of Hogan Knows Best – she’s determined to live the rest of her life with as much dignity as possible, keen never to repeat the past mistakes made by herself and those around her.

Congratulations, Brooke! We have nothing but respect for you!

Brooke Hogan’s new reality TV show Brooke Knows Best debuts on VH1 this Sunday. We’re not making this up. Christ, what a hopeless jizzpot that girl is.

Rip your flimsy vest off and expose us to your leathery pectorals, stomp around huffing and puffing and generally be unable to wrestle. That’s the Hulk Hogan we know and love. Though, to be honest, that kind of behaviour has become embarrassing over the last decade or so.

But one thing you shouldn’t – you absolutely should not - do is to say that your son ruining the life of a friend through reckless driving is “God’s will.” Just as Hulk did the other day. Oops.

But it’s okay, as Hogan travelled to the Larry King Live show to explain that he was simply keeping his son sane. Which makes the whole thing perfectly alright; as we’re sure any normal person would surely agree.

But no – the selfish, evil parents of the now-vegetative John Graziano are not happy with Terry Bollea’s simple explanation. They have even gone so far as to claim that Hulk’s tears, shed at the end of the King broadcast, were not genuine. The nerve of some people…

In a statement released through the family lawyer, the Graziano family told TMZ.com:

“No matter how he tried to spin it, no matter how he tried to cry at the end, it wasn’t going to change people’s minds.”

Change their minds as to what? That Hulk is grasping at straws trying to piece together what’s left of his public image? Because hecklerspray certainly hasn’t changed its opinion one bit. Don’t worry Graziano family – we still think he’s pathetic in his attempts to defend his frankly indefensible little prick of a son, and we certainly won’t be swayed by a few choice words on a popular US talkshow.

If Hulk Hogan were to once again step in the ring with the Ultimate Warrior, however, then maybe we’d have a case for changing our collective hive-mind.

Aside from Hulk speaking what is widely believed to be utter tosh, the Graziano family also took issue with the fact that they were not invited to King’s show to put forward their side of the story. But to be fair, that’s to be expected – how is the Hulkster supposed to cry when he has a family, torn apart by the actions of his own son glaring at him? The fools.

Anyway, let this be a lesson, Hulk Hogan: don’t say things like this if you apparently don’t mean them. Especially if you know the conversation is being recorded. It saves you a whole bunch of hassle.

He had a wife, two kids, a huge house, a reality TV show, legions of adoring fans and an incredible moustache. Life was rosy for ol’ Terry, king of the Legdrop of Doom.

Then his prat of a son went and crashed his car while travelling at silly speeds, making a vegetable out of a good friend. Not content with ruining both his and his friend’s lives, young Nick Bollea went on to be incarcerated and was placed in solitary. Obviously, the Hulkster wasn’t too happy with this, but he kept up a brave front.

But while all this was going on, Hulk’s wife, Linda Bollea, decided she didn’t want to be married to the big man anymore and filed for divorce, demanding half of everything. Did we mention Hulk was also getting sued around this point for his son’s crash? No? Well, yes – that too.

Basically, Hogan’s life managed to go from rosy to a bag of shit in just a few months, and no amount of gesticulating towards the crowd for them to fill his ear lugs with life-affirming cheering was going to fix things. Even though it helped no end against the likes of Andre the Giant and the Macho Man.

But it hasn’t stopped there – and why should it? When life takes a dump on you, it really does strain as much fecal matter out as possible, just to see your reaction as you’re buried under piles of stinking turd. Hulk Hogan is still slowly realising that life is a complete and total fucker. As he decided to tell Larry King, in-between bouts of being a bit mental and religious.

See, Hulk had been calling Nick in solitary to keep the young tearaway sane. These calls had been recorded. Hulk was aware of this. Yet he was still surprised when they were released to the media. Hulk, Hulk, Hulk – when will you learn? After the storm of crud you’ve been weathering for the last year or so, how did you not realise this would happen? But he didn’t, as these words he uttered to Larry show:

“This was the only thing Nick had left. This is the privacy everybody had in prison… and to have that taken away? I was more worried than ever about his mental state.”

But what about the fact the Hulkster was clearly telling his son how to turn the public to his side? Surely he would back down on this, accept he was in the wrong and move on, admitting a mistake? No, he just brought God into it:

“I was trying to help [to] give Nick some type of relief because he [was] consumed with the unknown. I was just trying to explain to him that it’s ‘God’s hands’ or it’s ‘God’s will.’”

Which clearly shows that God hates Nick Bollea. Which is understandable, really.

So could it get any worse for Hogan? Well, yes, as it turned out that his soon-to-be-ex-wife is currently dating a 19-year-old ex-schoolmate of his son and daughter, Brooke.

And what did young Brooke have to say on the issue?

“I’m totally freaked out. This is really weird. I personally don’t like it at all or condone it.”

So there you go. The Hogans are pretty screwed up, really.