Having got her best score of the series last week, Linda Lusardi was buoyed up with confidence for last night’s routine to Suddenly I See – something she displayed by knackering her partner’s wrist and almost slicing his ears off in rehearsals, and then scrabbling around upside down trying to grab at his trousers like a surprisingly niche prostitute during the actual routine itself and the skate-off. Still, at least Linda Lusardi managed to get one reference to her tits in before she went home – so at least it wasn’t a completely upsetting day for the middle-aged Lusardi fans.

So now there’s no more Linda Lusardi, who’ll win Dancing on Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Greg Rusedski, with help from Paddy Power…

Greg Rusedski – There are two very distinct groups forming on Dancing On Ice; the contestants that stand a chance of winning and the contestants who really, really don’t. As you may have guessed, Greg Rusedski is so firmly in the latter that he may as well start his own group called ‘Seriously, what’s the point of even turning up any more.’ Over the last few weeks, Greg’s Dancing On Ice adventure has been characterised by a running feud with Skeletor Judge, and so this week, for this routine to Alright, he decided to fill the blighter up with as many jumps as as humanly possible. And he fell on his arse during one of them, the chinny tit. Balls-up aside, his performance wasn’t especially wonderful, either. Please let’s not put him through this any more. SCORE – 17 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 80/1

Tomorrow – Dancing On Ice betting odds for Zaraah Abrahams. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Now don’t get confused – although Sixties Night might make it sound as if the whole show revolved around music from the 1960s, it was in fact a polite nod to the Dancing On Ice viewers, who are all in their sixties and have to wear 60 pairs of pants of pants at night because they’ve started to wet the bed and they don’t want any wee to seep through to the mattress. Just thought we’d clear that up early on.

But anyway, who’s going to win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Linda Lusardi, with help from Paddy Power…

Linda Lusardi - Proving that Holly Willoughby isn’t the only one on Dancing On Ice who can make up for flawed performances by jutting her tits out, Linda Lusardi is inexplicably still part of the show, despite having a skating style that mainly involves clutching onto her partner and letting him hoik her about the rink like a ferociously camp pickup truck. So on Sunday’s Dancing On Ice, Linda Lusardi went all out to change that with her routine to Son Of A Preacher Man. She flashed her thigh like a prostitute would and her required element seemed to mainly involve her pushing her knockers out as far as possible with a “hey boys, remember THESE?” look on her face. And there may have been some skating involved in there too, possibly. But it’s good to see that Linda’s Dancing On Ice costumes are still exploiting common sexual fantasies. Last week she was a cheerleader, this week she was a dalmation. The sexy bugger. SCORE – 19 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 33/1

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice betting odds for Zaraah Abrahams. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Yes, now that Dancing On Ice is halfway through, things are serious. Serious and intimidating. Which all sounds very fearsome, until you realise that what Schofield is actually talking about is a C-list reality show about spangly lycra and nasty hair extensions. And if lycra and bad hair is serious, then our local gym must be holding a nationwide conference about post-structuralist philosophy for grieving widows.

Who’ll win Dancing on Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds for Greg Rusedski and Linda Lusardi, with help from Paddy Power…

Greg Rusedski – Greg Rusedski’s another one not long for Dancing On Ice. After spending the entire series so far deciding that he’d like to basically just stand still and let his partner do all the legwork, last week one of the Dancing On Ice judges more or less said that they wanted him to sod off home unless he stopped being such a lazy shit. But did Greg learn his lesson on this week’s show? Not especially, given that he buggered up the bit at the start where he just has to skate onto the rink and wave. But anyway, Greg’s actual performance to She’s So Lovely was his best so far, although his timing was so out that there’s a chance he was listening to Raging Speedhorn on a hidden iPod somewhere. And, judging by his weird spazzy jumps, the iPod wasn’t earthed properly and kept electrocuting him. SCORE – 16.5 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 40/1

Linda Lusardi – Now that three girls in a row have been voted off Dancing On Ice, there’s a real danger of the show losing its sex appeal, leaving the male viewers desperately trying to make the most of what’s left. And if that’s a mahogany-coloured, 20 years past her best, busty, topless would-be actress like Linda Lusardi, then so bloody be it. To further this theory, Linda Lusardi danced this week’s routine in a cheerleader outfit, lending us hope that she’s going to cycle through all the main fantasy sex objects for the rest of Dancing on Ice. Next week – Linda Lusardi dresses as an underage Bangkok ladyboy! Anyway, Linda Lusardi got a hugely low score for her routine to Hey Mickey, probably because it was full of high-fives and no actual skating. Plus she got arsey with the Dancing On Ice judges, and that’s never a particularly smart thing to do. Still, though. A cheerleader. She’s still got it. SCORE – 15.5 Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 20/1

Tomorrow – the Dancing on Ice betting odds for Zaraah Abrahams. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

Imagine that – ice skating, minor celebrities and bad over-emotive out-of-context theatrical hits. It’s like a perfect storm of awfulness, but has Dancing On Ice peaked too soon? After all, it’ll be hard to top the sight of Aggie Mackenzie miming out the lyrics to I Feel Pretty looking for all the world like she was contemplating suicide. What’ll theme be this week? We don’t know about you, but we’ve got our fingers crossed for the Dancing On Ice Speedhall Raggacore Night.

Who’ll win Dancing On Ice? Here are the Dancing On Ice betting odds to win for Linda Lusardi and Zaraah Abrahams, with help from Paddy Power…

Linda Lusardi - The thing we probably like best about our reality TV stars is when you can go online and see several pictures of them naked, and that’s completely the case with former Page 3 girl and Emmerdale star Linda Lusardi. How good is she at Dancing On Ice? It doesn’t matter how good she is, dimwit – so long as a small army of men remember the hand that Linda Lusardi had in their sexual awakening, she’ll do fine. Which is good, because Linda Lusardi is actually quite shit. Well, that’s just speculation, obviously – judging by Sunday’s Dancing On Ice routine to I Know Him So Well, Linda doesn’t actually ever skate; she just lets her partner piggyback her around the rink for a couple of minutes at a time. SCORE – 17 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 20/1

Zaraah Abrahams – When Michael Underwood from GMTV broke his ankle a couple of weeks ago, two things happened. Firstly Michael cried like a big bloody girl about it, and second Coronation Street star Zaraah Abrahams got to take his Dancing On Ice place. That’s a good thing, because Zaraah is actually a rather natty little ice skater. Her first Dancing On Ice routine last week was the best of the show, and her routine on Sunday to Don’t Cry For Me Argentina was pretty darn close as well. It had grace and flow and a lift so ridiculous we’d be nervous to try it with lump of cheese, let alone an actual human. Zaraah is still a few weeks behind the others on Dancing On Ice, but she’s catching up fast. SCORE – 19 – Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 8/1

Tomorrow: Dancing On Ice betting odds for Suzanne Shaw and Gareth Gates. But if that’s too long to wait – or you feel like making more money than you know what to do with – head right over to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page to see the latest, and best, betting odds.

So you'll be pleased to hear that a new series of Dancing On Ice begins on Sunday – and where there's a new season of talenty reality shows there's a list of achingly unfamous personalities queueing up for their appearance fees. This year is no different, and the lucky competitors have just been announced. As usual, no expense has been spared getting the biggest names around, which means from Sunday Dancing On Ice viewers will be able to see the likes of Gareth Gates, Linda Lusardi, Samantha Mumba, one of Hear'Say, someone who used to be on Blue Peter and that girl whose knockers were groped by Prince Harry all skating for survival – and we've got some early Dancing On Ice betting odds, too.

Yes, we said Samantha Mumba. No, we didn't think she was still alive either.

What with X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing finishing at the end of last year, fans of moronic reality shows really haven't had anywhere to get their kicks – especially now that Big Brother's been stuck onto a channel we only watch slightly more than Discovery Civilisations. But don't worry, because Dancing On Ice is here to save the day.

Now that it's into its third year, Dancing On Ice feels like a comfortable old pair of slippers – we know that there'll be a raft of judges including one who'll get booed just for inhaling at the start of his criticism, we know that Phillip Schofield will present Dancing On Ice dressed up as the queen of Narnia alongside a grinning wooden carving of a painted Dutch girl, and we know that whichever celebrities signed up for the show will end up getting dropped hard on their face, ribs, coccyx and testicles several times over until they all cry like little girls while dressed in costumes precision-designed to make them feel utterly worthless.

Needless to say, Dancing On Ice is brilliant.

But who are this year's foolish, not really famous at all celebrity Dancing On Ice contestants? Well, here they are, along with some early Dancing On Ice betting odds for you…

Aggie Mackenzie – The How Clean Is Your House woman. Not the giant mannish one, the one that looks a little bit like a high-ranking SS officer. Aggie is old so she clearly won't win Dancing On Ice. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 25/1

Sarah Greene – Former presenter of 1980s TV shows like Blue Peter. That's literally it. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 20/1

Steve Backley – He can throw a stick for a long distance, a discipline rendered obsolete by the advent of email. Steve is this year's David Seaman, which means he'll have seriously injured seven dance partners by the end of the show. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 18/1

Linda Lusardi – Lovely booby 1980s topless model and star of Emmerdale. Linda won't win because she's already injured herself, but all the Dads will keep her on Dancing On Ice on the offchance she'll flash her knickers. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 16/1

Michael Underwood – He might be a GMTV entertainment reporter or we might be be mixing him up with someone else. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 16/1 

Natalie Pinkham – Prince Harry groped her boobs once and now she's famous. Maybe if we let Princess Michael Of Kent goose us in a Wetherspoons carpark we'll be allowed on, too. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 14/1

Greg Rusedski – A man fighting to win Dancing On Ice, desperate for a legacy that doesn't only involve not quite being as good at tennis as Tim Henman. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 10/1 

Chris Fountain – Annoying smug former Hollyoaker. He already did that BBC1 singing show, and we hear he'd do a reality show about man-rape if you offered him enough money. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Tim Vincent – Another former Blue Peter presenter. Tim Vincent is basically the T-1000 to Sarah Greene's rusty old Arnie. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 6/1

Samantha Mumba – Remember Samantha Mumba? Remember those songs she did and all her films? No, us neither. Oh well. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/1

Suzanne Shaw – Used to be in Hear'Say, now a woman who professionally complains about what a twat Darren Day is. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/1

Gareth Gates – The most famous competitor here even though he hasn't done anything for six whole years. Current Dancing On Ice betting odds – 5/2

No doubt we'll be updating these Dancing On Ice betting odds before the season is out, but if you want to place an early bet, don't forget that you can always go to the Paddy Power Dancing On Ice betting odds page and make cash from the sight of some z-listers hurting themselves on TV.