Triple-nippled pop Cabbage Patch Kid Lily Allen has been named as one of the judges of next year's prestigious Orange Broadband Prize For Fiction.

Understandably, this news has shocked the higher echelons of the literary world, who think that the Orange Prize judging panel should be made up of people who have actually written books rather than Lily Allen, a girl whose greatest literary achievement was rhyming the words 'door' and 'crackwhore' in a song once. But that's just the expected knee-jerk reaction - actually Lily Allen is surprisingly well-read and happily lists her favourite books as "Hary Poter 1, Harri Pottur 2, Haryy Puttr 3, Arri Potoor 4 and Epistolarity: Approaches to a Form by Janet Gurkin Altman."

No, our mistake. That last one should read "Hurriy Botturr 5."

That Lily Allen ­– she had us all fooled.

The publicity-mad warbler earlier this week said she would consider retiring at just 25 to have babies.

She said: “It’s a great job, but it doesn’t leave time for what’s important - like having a family.”

We’ve all made the occasional balls-up. In some instances, it can be quite comical. You know, like that time when you accidentally gave you peanut allergy-suffering uncle a Reese's cup? How all the family laughed down in A&E as he had his stomach pumped so he could live a few more months! 

However, sometimes a mistake can be quite costly and leave multiple people in the shit. Look at Katie & Peter Unleashed. The commissioner must literally want to encase himself in cement as he has to witness two human pieces of plastic talking shit for an hour week after week. So we must spare a thought for the not-so working class Lily Allen who tried to come over all clever and intelligent when she tried to have a pop at Radiohead. She must be trying to practise slagging off other people for her new rubbish chat show. 

Social networking is something that means totally different things to people of different ages. For example, the average adult Daily Mail reader knows that it's just a tool to help children get stalked and molested by dangerous paedophile beasts.

For the average 14-year-old girl, it’s just a chance to post bulletins telling your friends what dead animal your cat dragged through the kitchen door. Of course, websites like Facebook and MySpace are usually used in other ways, like to add us to their profiles as friends even though we've never met them. And, yes sexibexi4369 if you're reading, we do know you're a bloke anyway. However, musicians favour social networking for gaining publicity and it’s a well-known fact that pikey pied-faced Lily Allen has been doing this for ages. But now it seems like she's stepping out the virtual world and onto television. God help us all.  

Finding someone to be the face of your underwear collection is a daunting task - if you follow your instincts and pick a ferociously sexy supermodel, you'll just end up intimidating your customers away.

So what's the other option? How about a three-foot-tall chav who looks a little bit like an Ewok? Of course - it couldn't be any more obvious, which is why Lily Allen has signed up to be the new face of lingerie company Agent Provocateur. While Lily Allen might be an unconventional choice to model underwear, we're sure that her Agent Provocateur campaign will go down a storm with real women who don't like to be patronised. And the blind. We hear the blind are going to be an especially key winter Agent Provocateur demographic.