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Lily Allen

Lily Allen & Cheryl Cole: People, The War is Over

by Stuart Heritage

Historians know that the end of the Napoleonic War came when Napoleon’s wife had drunken vomity sex with another man and the Duke of Wellington felt a bit sorry for him.

And now history has repeated itself. Following the revelation that Cheryl Cole’s husband Ashley Cole loved nothing more than to dick a bunch of slappers while throwing up the contents of his guts all over them, Cheryl Cole’s arch-nemesis Lily Allen has called a truce.

That’s right – the ferocious Allen-Cole war is over. Maybe if politicians were more like Lily Allen the world would be a better place. Although if more politicians were like Lily Allen there’d be a lot more shambling amateurish BBC Three chat shows. Probably best that they’re not, then.

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Lily Allen Not A Titty Model Any More

by Stuart Heritage

First the bad news, then the good – Lily Allen has become a little bit unemployed; but at least it means you won’t be blindsided by pictures of her in her bra any more.

Fancy lingerie firm Agent Provocateur has decided to ditch Lily Allen as the face of its company, it’s been reported.

Although Lily Allen is said to be ‘gutted’ about being dropped, the news does now mean that the only times you’ll ever see Lily Allen in her bra are if you stalk her with a video camera or if she’s about to have sex with you. Either way, we have the number of a very good doctor we’d like you to have.

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Lily Allen TV Show Is Big Old Flop

by C J Davies

New BBC 3 show Lily Allen And Friends is in trouble. And not just due to the rubbish title – although surely a more accurate name would be Lily Allen And A Bunch Of Z-List Hangers-On Who’ll Vanish As Soon As Her Fame Begins To Dwindle, Therefore Leaving Her With Nothing Better To Do Than Record An Embarrassing Christmas 2009 Novelty Record With Her Father.

The idea seemed like a rating winner at first. Get one of the most high profile pop stars of the moment to front an inane and unchallenging chatfest with some equally dim celebrity mates.

Then? Then came the studio recording, and the point at which things didn’t so much go downhill as start tunnelling to the centre of the Earth like that weird drill-vehicle from The Core. And – after disappointing the live audience so much that a good percentage of them walked out – Lily has now seen this failure to engage reflected in the broadcast arena.

New BBC 3 show Lily Allen And Friends is in trouble. And not just due to the rubbish title - although surely a more accurate name would be Lily Allen And A Bunch Of Z-List Hangers-On Who'll Vanish As Soon As Her Fame Begins To Dwindle, Therefore Leaving Her With Nothing Better To Do Than Record An Embarrassing Christmas 2009 Novelty Record With Her Father. The idea seemed like a rating winner at first. Get one of the most high profile pop stars of the moment to front an inane and unchallenging chatfest with some equally dim celebrity mates. Then? Then came the studio recording, and the point at which things didn't so much go downhill as start tunnelling to the centre of the Earth like that weird drill-vehicle from The Core. And - after disappointing the live audience so much that a good percentage of them walked out - Lily has now seen this failure to engage reflected in the broadcast arena.
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Holy Crap, Lily Allen’s Pregnant As Well

by Stuart Heritage

OK, if any other celebrities are pregnant, now’s the time to step forward – first it was Jamie Lynn Spears and now it’s Lily Allen, so who’s next? Amy Winehouse? Judy Finnegan? The girl from the Confused.com advert?

Never mind, let’s just try and concern ourselves with Lily Allen for the time being. The Sun is reporting that Lily Allen is pregnant with a baby fathered by her Chemical Brother boyfriend of three months, and that she’s apparently thrilled about it all. Nothing else is known about Lily Allen’s pregnancy, but you can bet that Lily is praying for triplets, just so that she can test out breastfeeding from all three of her nipples at once. Triplets is the dream, of course, although we hear that Lily Allen would be equally excited about giving birth to twins and then letting an orphaned animal like a fieldmouse or a bean goose suckle on her third nipple, hereafter known as ‘the overspill nub’.

OK, if any other celebrities are pregnant, now's the time to step forward - first it was Jamie Lynn Spears and now it's Lily Allen, so who's next? Amy Winehouse? Judy Finnegan? The girl from the Confused.com advert? Never mind, let's just try and concern ourselves with Lily Allen for the time being. The Sun is reporting that Lily Allen is pregnant with a baby fathered by her Chemical Brother boyfriend of three months, and that she's apparently thrilled about it all. Nothing else is known about Lily Allen's pregnancy, but you can bet that Lily is praying for triplets, just so that she can test out breastfeeding from all three of her nipples at once. Triplets is the dream, of course, although we hear that Lily Allen would be equally excited about giving birth to twins and then letting an orphaned animal like a fieldmouse or a bean goose suckle on her third nipple, hereafter known as 'the overspill nub'.
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This Just In: Lily Allen Can Read

by Stuart Heritage

Triple-nippled pop Cabbage Patch Kid Lily Allen has been named as one of the judges of next year’s prestigious Orange Broadband Prize For Fiction.

Understandably, this news has shocked the higher echelons of the literary world, who think that the Orange Prize judging panel should be made up of people who have actually written books rather than Lily Allen, a girl whose greatest literary achievement was rhyming the words ‘door’ and ‘crackwhore’ in a song once. But that’s just the expected knee-jerk reaction – actually Lily Allen is surprisingly well-read and happily lists her favourite books as “Hary Poter 1, Harri Pottur 2, Haryy Puttr 3, Arri Potoor 4 and Epistolarity: Approaches to a Form by Janet Gurkin Altman.”

No, our mistake. That last one should read “Hurriy Botturr 5.”

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Lily Allen Not Quitting, Collective Sigh

by David Schwartz

That Lily Allen ­– she had us all fooled. The publicity-mad warbler earlier this week said she would consider retiring at just 25 to have babies. She said: “It’s a great job, but it doesn’t leave time for what’s important – like having a family.” That Lily Allen ­– she had us all fooled. The [...]

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Lily Allen Vs Radiohead: The Fight We’ve All Been Waiting For

by Matthew Laidlow

We’ve all made the occasional balls-up. In some instances, it can be quite comical. You know, like that time when you accidentally gave you peanut allergy-suffering uncle a Reese’s cup? How all the family laughed down in A&E as he had his stomach pumped so he could live a few more months!

However, sometimes a mistake can be quite costly and leave multiple people in the shit. Look at Katie & Peter Unleashed. The commissioner must literally want to encase himself in cement as he has to witness two human pieces of plastic talking shit for an hour week after week. So we must spare a thought for the not-so working class Lily Allen who tried to come over all clever and intelligent when she tried to have a pop at Radiohead. She must be trying to practise slagging off other people for her new rubbish chat show.

We’ve all made the occasional balls-up. In some instances, it can be quite comical. You know, like that time when you accidentally gave you peanut allergy-suffering uncle a Reese's cup? How all the family laughed down in A&E as he had his stomach pumped so he could live a few more months! However, sometimes a mistake can be quite costly and leave multiple people in the shit. Look at Katie & Peter Unleashed. The commissioner must literally want to encase himself in cement as he has to witness two human pieces of plastic talking shit for an hour week after week. So we must spare a thought for the not-so working class Lily Allen who tried to come over all clever and intelligent when she tried to have a pop at Radiohead. She must be trying to practise slagging off other people for her new rubbish chat show.
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Reason #352 To Not Pay License Fee: Lily Allen Gets BBC Show

by Matthew Laidlow

Social networking is something that means totally different things to people of different ages. For example, the average adult Daily Mail reader knows that it’s just a tool to help children get stalked and molested by dangerous paedophile beasts.

For the average 14-year-old girl, it’s just a chance to post bulletins telling your friends what dead animal your cat dragged through the kitchen door. Of course, websites like Facebook and MySpace are usually used in other ways, like to add us to their profiles as friends even though we’ve never met them. And, yes sexibexi4369 if you’re reading, we do know you’re a bloke anyway. However, musicians favour social networking for gaining publicity and it’s a well-known fact that pikey pied-faced Lily Allen has been doing this for ages. But now it seems like she’s stepping out the virtual world and onto television. God help us all.

Social networking is something that means totally different things to people of different ages. For example, the average adult Daily Mail reader knows that it's just a tool to help children get stalked and molested by dangerous paedophile beasts. For the average 14-year-old girl, it’s just a chance to post bulletins telling your friends what dead animal your cat dragged through the kitchen door. Of course, websites like Facebook and MySpace are usually used in other ways, like to add us to their profiles as friends even though we've never met them. And, yes sexibexi4369 if you're reading, we do know you're a bloke anyway. However, musicians favour social networking for gaining publicity and it’s a well-known fact that pikey pied-faced Lily Allen has been doing this for ages. But now it seems like she's stepping out the virtual world and onto television. God help us all.
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Lily Allen To Get Her Bra Out For Cash

by Stuart Heritage

Finding someone to be the face of your underwear collection is a daunting task – if you follow your instincts and pick a ferociously sexy supermodel, you’ll just end up intimidating your customers away.

So what’s the other option? How about a three-foot-tall chav who looks a little bit like an Ewok? Of course – it couldn’t be any more obvious, which is why Lily Allen has signed up to be the new face of lingerie company Agent Provocateur. While Lily Allen might be an unconventional choice to model underwear, we’re sure that her Agent Provocateur campaign will go down a storm with real women who don’t like to be patronised. And the blind. We hear the blind are going to be an especially key winter Agent Provocateur demographic.

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