Rap troll, Lil Wayne is going to release his prison diaries, just in time for next Christmas. That’ll be a nice present for your nana won’t it? In it, he’ll probably talk to God a lot while simultaneously glamorising his pretend ‘thug’ lifestyle.

But will he be mentioning the poundings he took around the anus while in the prison showers? We do hope so, because that would be refreshingly charming!

The book will be titled ‘Gone Till November’ and will be based around the diaries he kept while in the clink. This puts Wayne in the same company as Nelson Mandela and… uh… Jeffrey Archer.

Little Wayney Wayne spent eight months on Rikers Island on gun charges. Basically, he thought he’d do something original and be a rapper with a gun. Seriously. What a git. Cops just love pulling over black people and searching them for weed or firearms – you’d think they’d be a little more wary, right?

Ben Greenberg, of Grand Central publish (who, duh, are putting the book out), said:

“We are thrilled to be publishing Wayne’s prison memoir. He kept detailed journals of his inner and outer life while he was on Rikers Island, and they certainly tell a story. They are revealing.”

Revealing how? Like his lyrics? Such as…

“I admire your poppin’ bottles and pimpin’ just as much as you admire bartending and strippin’.”

and

“I said he’s so sweet, make her wanna lick the wrapper – so I let her lick the rapper.”

This book is going to be amazing, obviously. Up there with Chaucer and Bridget Jones’ Diary. Of course, he’s going to be detailing all his thoughts and feelings, but if that’s the case, this should be more of a pamphlet than a book.

Still, it’ll give numskulls something to read away from Sports Illustrated and FHM when they’re on the pan.

Rastafarian action figure, with melted face, Lil Wayne, has rocked the Earth to the molten core by revealing that he won’t be enlightening us all via social networking anymore. That’s right – he’s going on strike from Twitter! How will we cope with this news? SOMEONE SET UP A HELPLINE, STAT!

hecklerspray won’t be able to function properly now, walking around in a daze and grabbing people by their collars and wailing loudly “Adidas sweats,shiny ass Adidas! Remember when Weezy wrote that?! Do you?! Those were salad days! Remember that time he just wrote “um yeah”? Do you? We won’t be getting that now. It is just too sad to comprehend”.

We’ll then do that funny crab dance he’s fond of, complete with solemnly bowed head.

Apparently, this devastating news comes on the back of multiple hacks on his account and he’s fed up like Alexander O’Neal, which has prompted him to have a Twitter vacation.

He says:

“I just shut my Twitter account down because it got hacked. Once it got hacked, I had Twitter fix it. They changed it. And then it got hacked again, so I just shut it down. As of right now, I’m on Twitter strike.”

It is thought that Wayne might get a Bebo account where no-one will ever hack into the accounts because, inside, there’s only two people talking to each other – the founder and their mother saying ‘It’ll be alright. You’ve done very well you know?’, before drawing a crude love heart with the graffiti application.

Wayne’s account (@LilTuneChi) was hacked in January, when updates started hitting people’s timelines. People suspected it might be a rogue at work because, for the first time, Wayne had actually started being interesting.

The hacker promptly started hurling insults at Soulja Boy.

It said:

“I sent a donations to your paypal, check it, I heard you got 13,000 sales lil homie, i feel bad for you! #D*mnSoulja”

We give Lil Wayne a week before he’s back on twitter, saying things like ‘Ohio is off the chain!’ and ‘Um’.

Now, if you could be a pet and go on strike from music for the rest of your life, that would be wonderful. Okay? Okay. Good.

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Lil Wayne has always been the problem Wayne. Big Wayne, for instance, always made a point to keep his head down.

And Medium-Sized Wayne? Why, butter wouldn’t melt in Medium-Sized Wayne’s mouth. But Lil Wayne has always been trouble. That’s why he’s just spent the last eight months in jail for spacking about illegally with an automatic gun. But those days are over – yesterday Lil Wayne was released from jail, and as a result he’s got plenty of lost time to make up for.

What’s on the cards for newly-free Lil Wayne? Well, according to reports, he’s planning a great big Welcome Home party for himself in Miami. That sounds delightful. Lil Wayne will show those other rappers what a real party is. Happy Meals and fairy cakes all round!

Although a jail sentence – especially a jail sentence in the notorious Riker’s Island prison – is nobody’s idea of fun, we fully expect that Lil Wayne was sad to leave his cell yesterday. After all, what are the two things you can count on in jail? That’s right – drugs and catastrophically shit tattoos. Lil Wayne loves drugs, and God knows he loves catastrophically shit tattoos – throw in an electric guitar that he could thrash about tunelessly at in the mistaken belief that people will love his musicianship as much as they love his rapping, and the man would have been in heaven.

But that’s all in the past now. After serving eight months of his year-long sentence for attempted felony gun possession, Lil Wayne is now a free man. And, just like all free men before him, what was the first thing Lil Wayne did upon his release? Have an emotional reunion with the people he loves the most? Renew his belief in God? Breathe in a deep lungful of crisp autumnal air and silently vow never to take his freedom for granted again?

No you idiots, he tried to see how many superfluous vowels and consonants he could write on Twitter. That’s what everyone does when they get out of prison. You idiot. CNN reports:

Early Thursday morning, Lil Wayne, whose real name is Dwayne Carter, was released from an eight month stint at Riker’s Island, tweeting “#WelcomeHomeWeezy” and “aaaaaaahhhhhhmmmmm baaaaakkkkkkkkkk” within hours of his release.

But it’s the next step that will be much more interesting to witness. Apparently there will soon be a huge, no expense spared party to mark Lil Wayne’s release. It’s apparently being organised by the Cash Money family, a group of old-style aristocrats that can be traced back to the moment when Jeremy Percington Cash married Elizabeth Chastity Money in 1702. The Cash-Moneys have long been famed for their enchanting soirees, so Lil Wayne can expect an evening of the finest hand-cut cucumber sandwiches and tea like he’s never tasted served in the most exquisite china.

Or the Cash Money family are just Lil Wayne’s gang of low-grade hangers-on, and the party will involve everyone standing around drinking cough medicine out of a polystyrene cup. One or the other.

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That’s the last we’ll see of Lil Wayne for a while. He’ll be spending the next year having the time of his life.

Admittedly he’ll be in jail. But if Lil Wayne has any sense, he’ll use this year as a chance to refocus his priorities – he could maybe take up painting, or study meditation, or learn to love being stabbed in the thigh by an institutionalised lunatic whenever the warden isn’t around. Stuff like that.

But that’s all up to Lil Wayne. After two false starts, he was finally sentenced to a year in jail for attempted possession of a weapon yesterday. That said, he could be out in eight months for good behaviour. Fingers crossed that happens, because we really don’t want to wait another year for the Lil Wayne Christmas album.

Oh Lil Wayne, the things you’re going to miss. The World Cup. The inaugural Youth Olympic Games. Shanghai’s World Expo. The Russian launch of the world’s first Peruvian nanosatellite. If only Lil Wayne had thought of all these monumental fixtures before he allowed a gun onto his tour bus in 2007, maybe he wouldn’t have been hauled off to jail for a year yesterday. Remember the Peruvian nanosatellites, that’s our motto. Always remember the Peruvian nanosatellites.

That said, Lil Wayne has been enjoying a lot more freedom than he must have expected – yesterday marked his third attempt at sentencing. First it was postponed because Lil Wayne had a bit of toothache. Then it was postponed because the courthouse caught fire unexpectedly. But yesterday there was nowhere to hide, and Lil Wayne found himself being sent to the big house. BBC News reports:

Rapper Lil Wayne has been sentenced to a year in prison after pleading guilty to gun possession. His lawyer said the rapper expected to be held in protective custody, separated from other prisoners, at New York City’s Rikers Island jail complex. The singer delivered a brief bow as he was led from Manhattan criminal court. Lil Wayne… has vowed to keep writing while behind bars.

That’s encouraging. If anything’s going to get Lil Wayne through the next year of his life, it’s dedication to his craft. He has the potential to come out of this jail sentence with a career-defining album about his experiences in prison. Or just lots and lots of half-finished lyric sheets that were abandoned because he couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with ‘Please stop bumming me’.

Either way, it’ll have to be better than his last album, on the basis that everything that has ever existed or will ever exist is better than his last album.

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Lil Wayne was supposed to be in jail today, experiencing all of the joys that a detention facility has to offer.

Like the food. And the witty repartee. And the shanking. And the bumming. And the wishing that he’d decided to call himself Big Wayne or Angry Wayne or Wayne Who Will Definitely Beat You In A Fight or anything other than Lil Wayne. But all of that excitement will just have to wait.

Because Lil Wayne isn’t in jail today. Yesterday Lil Wayne learnt that his sentencing would be postponed until next month so that he could get some important oral surgery done. Which seems a little excessive – surely it isn’t anything that can’t be fixed by a burly cellmate with a razorblade wedged into a toothbrush and a snookerball in a sock.

Lil Wayne deserves your sympathy for all kinds of reasons. Firstly there’s that rubbish new album of his, which sounds like Limp Bizkit doing a bad David After Dentist impression. Then there’s the fact that some of his teeth hurt a little bit. Finally, though – and most tragically – Lil Wayne hasn’t gone to prison yet. That means that in the big scheme of things, Lil Wayne isn’t as much of a gangsta as Linsday Lohan or Paris Hilton. How disappointing.

That’ll change soon enough, but for the time being he’ll just have to lump it. Yesterday Lil Wayne was expected to be sentenced to a year in jail following a plea deal reached over a felony gun possession charge. He seemed ready to go, too – he left a sad little goodbye message to his fans on Ustream and has reportedly filmed so many music videos that nobody will even realise that he’ll probably be getting violently bummed in a laundry room by a one-eyed arsonist at the time that his label releases them – but it didn’t happen.

Why? Because some of Lil Wayne’s teeth really started to hurt right before he due to be sentenced. MTV reports:

When Wayne showed up in court today, his lawyer announced that the Rebirth MC needed to undergo oral surgery and needed a few more weeks of freedom. The judge granted Wayne some time to recover from a cracked tooth and rescheduled his formal sentencing to March 2.

Quite right too. The judge knows that you can’t have prisoners running around inside jails with cracked teeth. It sets such a bad example to the outside world. Think of the reaction to the jail’s admittance brochure if it had Lil Wayne leering from the cover with a slightly imperfect tooth on full show. It would make a joke of the entire justice system.

But even though the world now knows that Lil Wayne can’t go to prison because one of his toothy-woothies has gone a little bit ouchy-wouch, it doesn’t mean that his gangsta credentials have completely diminished. Let’s not forget that Lil Wayne still has a criminal record. It’s called Rebirth.

Thanks, we’re here all week.

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2010 is going to be a big year for Lil Wayne – it’ll be when he learns to make knives out of toothbrushes.

Or something. Lil Wayne’s probably going to jail. That was our point. Yesterday Lil Wayne pleaded guilty to felony gun possession, and as a result he’s expected to receive a one-year jail sentence.

It’s sad, but it’s important to focus on the positive in times like these – maybe this experience will allow Lil Wayne to progress as an artist. Sure, he’ll enter jail as Lil Wayne – but he’ll leave it as Wayne With The Cold Dead Eyes Of A Man Who’s Seen Too Much. See? It’s not so bad.

When you’re a rapper, there are certain things expected of you. You should bring out your own range of champagne, for example, and that champagne should taste like it’s the product of a dehydrated buffalo urinating through a rusty pipe even though a glass of it costs more than your house. And your album artwork should look like it was designed by a remedial 12-year-old Photoshop student whose only exposure to popular culture involved watching 38 seconds of Scarface through three layers of gauze two years ago. And you should be allowed as many guns as you can safely carry.

But tell that to the courts. Back in 2007, police officers found a .40-calibre semi-automatic gun on Lil Wayne’s tour bus. Not so bad, you might think – after all, there was a time when barely a day would pass without some sort of weapon turning up in Snoop Dogg’s car, and we heard that Coldplay routinely use their tour bus to shoot puppies in the balls with bazookas – but apparently it was quite bad. Because yesterday Lil Wayne pleaded guilty to felony gun possession, to which the punishment is a year in jail. MTV reports:

The rapper will be sentenced to one year in prison as a part of his plea deal and must also give up his passport. Wayne quietly told the judge yes when asked if he understood the terms of the plea he was making. Asked what type of gun he possessed, Wayne said, “A .40-caliber semi-automatic… Wayne will be sentenced in February 2010 and is expected to serve eight to 10 months, assuming good behavior.

Good behaviour? No no no, that won’t do at all. Lil Wayne has a reputation to uphold – how will the hip-hop community react if it finds out that he’s been behaving in an acceptably satisfactory way? No, Lil Wayne must resign himself to acting like a tosspot from the moment he sets foot in jail, or else he runs the risk of being less cool than Foxy Brown.

Not that jail should worry Lil Wayne, though – all his fans will still be waiting for him when he’s released. And, if anything, an extended period of absence might even make people miss his unique style of guitar playing.

Actually, no, that’s ridiculous. Nobody could ever miss that. Sorry.

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It’s very easy to point the finger and accuse people of being something they’re not.

Just the other day we got called tight-fisted for refusing to pay an old lady’s bus fare late at night. Yes it was raining but, Jesus, she wouldn’t share her umbrella. What goes around comes around you see.

For years we’ve often assumed that people who listen to pop music are morons who live in a fantasy land. Of course everything will work out happily ever after like in all their videos and song. Now, scientists have banged their brains together to prove what we all knew all along.

Before you race down to the comments box and vent your misspelt anger at us, cast your mind back a few weeks. Rihanna and Chris Brown have hardly been away from the media spotlight thanks to Chris Brown allegedly using Rihanna as a personal punchbag. Instead of shunning him for being a bellend, Rihanna went crawling back to him. Presumably in a bloody mess.

If you’re a Madonna fan then you’ll get the thrills and literal trauma of watching a pensioner thrusting herself around on stage like she’s still young and current. Britney Spears fans are in for a rollercoaster ride nearly every time she performs on stage. If it’s not mental fanny flashing or head shaving, she’ll either break down in tears for your amusement.

For once this isn’t our thoughts getting in the way of facts. A PhD student called Virgil Griffiths – who is smarter than us in every way – claims there’s a correspondence between low IQs and a liking for pop and R&B, with Beyonce fans doing particularly badly on tests.

How he worked this out, we’re not sure. Most of the time, a fan of Beyonce has an age range of pre-birth to around twelve. Contrast that with a supposedly more intelligent band like Radiohead, then it kinds of complicates things. Radiohead fans can be aged anywhere from 16 to 60. In a test between a kid and an adult, we can always guess the winner. Especially if tasks involve rewiring a plug.

But before all you Beyonce fans put a ring on it and start complaining, there is some good news. You lot aren’t the stupidest of them all! According to the researcher, it spells bad news for rap lovers:

“Fans of rapper Lil Wayne are supposedly the dimmest of them all”.

We know fans of Lil Wayne won’t leave us any abusive remarks. They will have shot their computers up in anger.

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As the most hopelessly generic rapper in the entire blinking world, Lil Wayne has a number of responsibilities to uphold.

And, to be fair, Lil Wayne is doing a noble job at sticking to them – like the one about all his songs being exactly identical, the one about giving said songs unpleasant names like Prostitute Flange and the one about constantly getting arrested.

Especially that last one, because Lil Wayne has just been arrested for riding around in a tour bus so stuffed with drugs that he had to poke his head out of the sunroof to breathe. Or something.

Now that Busta Rhymes has accepted a plea deal to keep him out of jail like a woman or infant would, hip-hop needs a new hero – a hero who isn't afraid to break the law again and again like a dough-brained spazwit. And, ladies and gentlemen, that man is Lil Wayne.

Oh you know who Lil Wayne is. He had that song about prostitutes' flanges. And he got arrested for smoking drugs in a car that had a gun in it. And he was an actual fugitive for a while. No? It's primarily the prostitute flange aspect of Lil Wayne's life that you chose to remember? Well suit yourselves.

Anyway, the big news is that Lil Wayne's been arrested for having a tour bus jammed to the gills with drugs. OK, maybe not the big news. But it's still news. Probably. Reuters has written about it so it must be news:

Rapper Lil Wayne was arrested for felony drug possession early on Wednesday when his charter bus was stopped at a California-Arizona border checkpoint, authorities said. Lil Wayne, whose real name is Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., was arrested in southwestern Arizona on suspicion of possessing cocaine and ecstasy, as well as drug paraphernalia, authorities said. He was being held in Yuma County Jail on a $10,185 bond.

All in all, after a sniffer dog signalled that Lil Wayne's bus may have contained drugs, police recovered 105 grams of marijuana, 29 grams of cocaine, 41 grams of ecstasy, more than $22,000 and a gun. It sounds like a lot when it's listed one after the other like that, but it's not really – mix it all up in a bucket and Amy Winehouse would probably plough through it in about three or four seconds or so.

But anyway, the important thing is that Lil Wayne has been arrested for it. And while there's a chance that the ensuing punishment might hurt him personally, it's obvious that Lil Wayne's gangsta credentials are going to go through the bloody roof. After all, this arrest means that Lil Wayne is now as furiously street as Willie Nelson. Willie effing Nelson! 

Read more:

Rapper Lil Wayne arrested for drug possession – Reuters