Rap troll, Lil Wayne is going to release his prison diaries, just in time for next Christmas. That’ll be a nice present for your nana won’t it? In it, he’ll probably talk to God a lot while simultaneously glamorising his pretend ‘thug’ lifestyle.
But will he be mentioning the poundings he took around the anus while in the prison showers? We do hope so, because that would be refreshingly charming!
The book will be titled ‘Gone Till November’ and will be based around the diaries he kept while in the clink. This puts Wayne in the same company as Nelson Mandela and… uh… Jeffrey Archer.
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Rastafarian action figure, with melted face, Lil Wayne, has rocked the Earth to the molten core by revealing that he won’t be enlightening us all via social networking anymore. That’s right – he’s going on strike from Twitter! How will we cope with this news? SOMEONE SET UP A HELPLINE, STAT!
hecklerspray won’t be able to function properly now, walking around in a daze and grabbing people by their collars and wailing loudly “Adidas sweats,shiny ass Adidas! Remember when Weezy wrote that?! Do you?! Those were salad days! Remember that time he just wrote “um yeah”? Do you? We won’t be getting that now. It is just too sad to comprehend”.
We’ll then do that funny crab dance he’s fond of, complete with solemnly bowed head.
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Lil Wayne has always been the problem Wayne. Big Wayne, for instance, always made a point to keep his head down.
And Medium-Sized Wayne? Why, butter wouldn’t melt in Medium-Sized Wayne’s mouth. But Lil Wayne has always been trouble. That’s why he’s just spent the last eight months in jail for spacking about illegally with an automatic gun. But those days are over – yesterday Lil Wayne was released from jail, and as a result he’s got plenty of lost time to make up for.
What’s on the cards for newly-free Lil Wayne? Well, according to reports, he’s planning a great big Welcome Home party for himself in Miami. That sounds delightful. Lil Wayne will show those other rappers what a real party is. Happy Meals and fairy cakes all round!
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That’s the last we’ll see of Lil Wayne for a while. He’ll be spending the next year having the time of his life.
Admittedly he’ll be in jail. But if Lil Wayne has any sense, he’ll use this year as a chance to refocus his priorities – he could maybe take up painting, or study meditation, or learn to love being stabbed in the thigh by an institutionalised lunatic whenever the warden isn’t around. Stuff like that.
But that’s all up to Lil Wayne. After two false starts, he was finally sentenced to a year in jail for attempted possession of a weapon yesterday. That said, he could be out in eight months for good behaviour. Fingers crossed that happens, because we really don’t want to wait another year for the Lil Wayne Christmas album.
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Lil Wayne was supposed to be in jail today, experiencing all of the joys that a detention facility has to offer.
Like the food. And the witty repartee. And the shanking. And the bumming. And the wishing that he’d decided to call himself Big Wayne or Angry Wayne or Wayne Who Will Definitely Beat You In A Fight or anything other than Lil Wayne. But all of that excitement will just have to wait.
Because Lil Wayne isn’t in jail today. Yesterday Lil Wayne learnt that his sentencing would be postponed until next month so that he could get some important oral surgery done. Which seems a little excessive – surely it isn’t anything that can’t be fixed by a burly cellmate with a razorblade wedged into a toothbrush and a snookerball in a sock.
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2010 is going to be a big year for Lil Wayne – it’ll be when he learns to make knives out of toothbrushes.
Or something. Lil Wayne’s probably going to jail. That was our point. Yesterday Lil Wayne pleaded guilty to felony gun possession, and as a result he’s expected to receive a one-year jail sentence.
It’s sad, but it’s important to focus on the positive in times like these – maybe this experience will allow Lil Wayne to progress as an artist. Sure, he’ll enter jail as Lil Wayne – but he’ll leave it as Wayne With The Cold Dead Eyes Of A Man Who’s Seen Too Much. See? It’s not so bad.
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It’s very easy to point the finger and accuse people of being something they’re not.
Just the other day we got called tight-fisted for refusing to pay an old lady’s bus fare late at night. Yes it was raining but, Jesus, she wouldn’t share her umbrella. What goes around comes around you see.
For years we’ve often assumed that people who listen to pop music are morons who live in a fantasy land. Of course everything will work out happily ever after like in all their videos and song. Now, scientists have banged their brains together to prove what we all knew all along.
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As the most hopelessly generic rapper in the entire blinking world, Lil Wayne has a number of responsibilities to uphold.
And, to be fair, Lil Wayne is doing a noble job at sticking to them – like the one about all his songs being exactly identical, the one about giving said songs unpleasant names like Prostitute Flange and the one about constantly getting arrested.
Especially that last one, because Lil Wayne has just been arrested for riding around in a tour bus so stuffed with drugs that he had to poke his head out of the sunroof to breathe. Or something.
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