But lucky old us. The Dancing With The Stars producers have listened to our unspoken wishes and signed such a bewilderingly diverse array of celebrities for its new season that we’re honestly convinced that Len Goodman will end the final with a broken nose, several deep gashes to his face and a kitchen knife poking out the back of his skull.

How scary is the new Dancing With The Stars? Steve-O scary. Lil’ Kim scary. Jewel scary. Scary.

Look, Dancing With The Stars is mental enough already. Just thinking about Dancing With The Stars conjures up visions of tiny screeching incoherent Italian homosexuals, one-legged backflippers, frail old shuffling zombies, members of the Osmonds falling over for no reason and Steve Guttenberg – in short, the kind of visions we tend to save for our most terrifyingly anxious fever-dreams.

But whereas before Dancing With The Stars seemed like it had accidentally blundered into weirdness by accident, this year the show seems intent to dive headfirst into the abyss. Honestly, we’re not kidding. This year’s Dancing With The Stars is going to be like a more-spangly version of Dante’s Inferno.

Why? Because, dear lord, here are this year’s Dancing With The Stars contestants. May God have mercy on us all:

Denise Richards – The woman who was professionally naked until she got too old, then threw a computer at a wheelchair-bound pensioners head and made a reality TV show featuring nothing but her twitching and blinking. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 9

Belinda Carlisle – The woman who believes that heaven is a place on Earth. She’s wrong. It’s Devon. Devon is place on Earth. Idiot. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 6

Shawn Johnson – A 17-year-old professional gymnast. So, as if Shawn doesn’t get bullied enough for titting around in a leotard all day, he’s now going to learn how to samba? This one’s a loose cannon. He’s not even a boy. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8

Lawrence Taylor – A former NFL footballer. That’s right, just like OJ Simpson. And what did OJ Simpson end up doing? THAT’S RIGHT. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 9

Lil’ Kim - Ex-jailbird midget rapper whose songs include Suck My Dick and Fuck You. But, other than that, we hear she’s just lovely. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 6

Steve-O – The man who used to make a good living from stapling his testicles to his thigh in front of crowds of people, before he took all the drugs in the world, went legitimately mad and got sectioned. In short, he’s just a little bit less mad than Denise Richards. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8.5

Steve Wozniak – He co-founded Apple, which isn’t crazy at all. But Apple created the 1998hockey puck mouse, and that’s downright certifiable. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8.5

David Alan Grier – A black comedian who can apparently do a passable Leonard Nimoy impersonation. Not crazy at all. We don’t know what he’s doing here. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 1

Gilles Marini – Has been in every single American drama show exactly once. One of them was Ugly Betty. Cuckoo. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 5

Nancy O’Dell – We can’t say with any real certainty who Nancy O’Dell is, but anyone who thinks that tanning herself that much is normal clearly isn’t the full ticket. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 7

Chuck Wicks – Never trust a man whose name is a command. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 12

Ty Murray – A professional rodeo rider who – hold the phone! – married Jewel. Clearly has deep self-loathing issues. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8

Jewel – Come on, she’s Jewel for crying out loud. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 43

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No, instead the movie’s called Notorious, and it’s either about the Duran Duran song, the Alfred Hitchcock film, dead rapper Notorious BIG or the notorious Anglo-American wife murderer Dr Crippen. At a guess, we’d say it was about the dead rapper. We should research more, sorry.

Anyway, despite being a major character in the movie, Lil’ Kim is refusing to see Notorious. We think it’s probably because she’s played by Verne Troyer in blackface.

There’s a law stating that if you’re a) in the music industry and b) dead, then someone has to make a movie about you. It’s why Ray Charles got a movie, Johnny Cash got a movie and Etta James got a movie, and the reason why up to 15 different competing producers are actively willing Cliff Richard to fall down a concrete staircase.

But, more relevantly, it’s also why there’s a Notorious BIG biopic rattling our way. Notorious is basically the heartwarming story of Biggie Smalls, the lovable rapper whose life was a non-stop rollercoaster of drug-dealing, fan-beating and being shot four times in the chest until he died. It’s Eight Mile, in essence, but you don’t get to see Kim Basinger’s bottom and the ending’s a bit bleaker.

That’s not why people will go to see Notorious, though – they’ll see it because, as well as being the story of Notorious BIG, it’s also the story of all his old chums. Puff Daddy’s there, Faith Evans is there, Tupac Shakur is there – and there’s even a slot for dear old Suge Knight, after an actor was found who could convincingly drive a car while repeatedly punching a woman in the head. Allegedly.

And, of course, one of the major characters in Notorious is Lil’ Kim, the tiny rapper who had a love affair with Notorious BIG, then allegedly had his baby aborted and then went on to ultimately not release as many albums as a handful of presumably deaf people wanted.

Lil’ Kim’s probably aware that Notorious exists, but it looks as though she doesn’t want anything to do with it – she’s refusing to see it and, as the New York Daily News reports, she didn’t even help the actress playing her with the part:

Naturi Naughton, who plays Kim in “Notorious,” didn’t even meet her subject before delving into the role… “I don’t know. I tried to reach out to her. I think there was some conflict. I’m not sure.” Faith Evans, who was married to Biggie, told us, “I don’t know what [Kim] wanted. But we all signed the same agreement to be portrayed in the movie.”

Perhaps Lil’ Kim is just being grouchy because she’s holding out for a movie of her own instead of just being a supporting character in films about her boyfriend. If that’s the case, she’s probably in for a long wait – if any movie producers wanted to make a biopic about a diminutive female rapper, they’d surely want to make a Foxy Brown movie instead. And we’d go and see that, by the way – but only so long as all the brutal violence contained in the movie was sped up and accompanied by Yakkety Sax. That would be a dealbreaker.

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Back in the old days Lil’ Kim could usually be relied on to cause a ruckus by lying about shootings and getting sent to jail for it or whatnot but, now that she’s a little bit older, Lil’ Kim seems to have taken her eye off the balls. Sure, Lil’ Kim still gets in trouble, but only for not delivering albums she’s been paid to make.

As such, Lil’ Kim is being sued by her record label. Although a little lawsuit might not seem like much, it’s actually an indication of something far far worse than any of us could have ever imagined – there are a handful of people on earth who actually want to hear a new Lil’ Kim album. We’re scared. Hold us.

Ever since she had a year in jail after being found guilty of conspiracy and perjury, Lil’ Kim has pretty much kept herself to herself. But don’t think that her legacy has diminished any – her music is still used by millions as a silky smooth lovemaking soundtrack. In fact, if we had a pound for every baby that was conceived to Lil’ Kim songs like Shut Up Bitch or Suck My Dick or Fuck You, then we’d have quite a hefty donation to give to that charity for children with really angry parents.

But just because she’s had a few years of downtime, it doesn’t mean that Lil’ Kim hasn’t been busy. She has. Lil’ Kim has been fantastically busy not doing stuff that she’s been paid to do, and that can take a lot out of a girl. Back in July Lil’ Kim was sued for failing to submit the manuscript for her autobiography that she’d been paid $40,000 to write.

And, while we don’t think we’ll ever get over not being able to read an autobiography by a woman we barely even remember exists most of the time, that’s not the end of Lil’ Kim’s problems. Apparently she’s also failed to finish an album she’s been given ages to make, as People reports:

In a lawsuit filed earlier this week, record label Brookland Media claims the Grammy-winner hasn’t delivered the tracks she promised after the company spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on recordings and equipment. The label also claims it spent $12,000 per month to rent a house near Lil’ Kim’s New Jersey home.

Hopefully this lawsuit can be worked out without it becoming too serious on either side. We expect that Lil’ Kim hasn’t finished the album because she’s just suffering from a touch of writer’s block at the moment.

After all, when you’ve had a career as long as Lil’ Kim’s, it has to be hard to think up new offensively blunt sexual song titles without repeating yourself. So, in our role as unofficial and unappointed Lil’ Kim lawsuit mediators, here’s a handful of song titles that Lil’ Kim is welcome to use for her new album:

* Queef In Ya Mouf

* Look At My Tits

* Pussy Like A Large Hadron Collider

* O Do B Kwyit

* I Like Sex

* Pot Noodle Clodge

* Give Me Your Dick, Actually Give It To Me, Saw It Off With A Hacksaw Now And Give It To Me Or You’ll Never See Your Family Again

* Acorn Of Bum