Obviously that won’t happen – OJ Simpson’s favourite things include writing books about murdering people he used to be married to, robbing strangers at gunpoint and making bewildering hidden-camera DVDs, and they all take ages – but it’s his last chance.

Later today, OJ Simpson will be sentenced to anywhere between six years and life for masterminding his calamitous hotel room armed robbery last year. OJ’s lawyers are pleading for leniency – after all, it’s not like he killed his wife or anything, is it?

It’s time to say goodbye to the OJ Simpson we know and love – you know, the one who was held legally responsible for the murder of his ex-wife, and then wrote a book about stabbing her to death – because he’s not going to be around for a while.

Later today OJ Simpson will be swapping a life of leisure, wide open spaces and nobody really making eye contact with him because they think he probably murdered his wife for a new life; a life of mailbag-stitching, claustrophobic spaces and sharing a tiny room with a mentally-challenged seven-foot arsonist who can’t make up his mind whether he wants to stab OJ Simpson with a razorblade attached to a partially-melted toothbrush or habitually sex him up the bum against his will.

Ever since OJ Simpson was found guilty of 12 counts of armed robbery and kidnapping two months ago, following his hopelessly botched attempt to retrieve some memorabilia from a hotel room, this day was always going to be an inevitability.

Today at noon, Las Vegas time, OJ Simpson will be given his jail sentence. The length of his sentence is still a mystery, but observers are currently pitching their guesses between the ’six-year’ and the ‘until mankind is removed from the planet by a race of superintelligent deathbots’ marks. AP reports:

Simpson attorney Yale Galanter has said his client won’t address the court. Stewart will, said his lawyer, Brent Bryson. “Best-case scenario we’re hoping for is six years. That’s the bottom-end number before being eligible for parole,” Bryson said… Judge Glass, known for giving severe sentences, can ignore or accept a recommendation from the state parole agency calling for at least 18 years.

It doesn’t look good for OJ Simpson, we have to say – given the severity and sheer number of charges he’s been found guilty of, coupled with what some see as a lingering unspoken resentment over his previous murder acquittal, he should probably start preparing for the worst.

OK, not the worst, exactly – the worst would be if he avoided jail and immediately set about making a follow-up to his hidden-camera prank show DVD Juiced – but the second-worst, at least.

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By now you’ve probably realised that OJ Simpson has been found guilty on all 12 charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, and that he could face anything up to life in jail for it. However, OJ Simpson now plans to appeal the decision from jail, where he’s being kept away from other prisoners to protect his own safety.

But still, OJ Simpson won’t find himself at a loss for anything to do now that he’s been found guilty on all charges. He can finally write that book he’s always wanted to, for example – the hypothetical If I Didn’t Do It, Here’s How It Didn’t Happen; a breathtaking account of how OJ Simpson was actually doing a spot of Sudoku and thinking about kittens when he was supposed to be holding some men up in a hotel room.

So that’s that, then. The jury in the OJ Simpson has found OJ guilty of all 12 charges. Who knew angry white folk could be so mean? Thanks to the jury’s verdict, OJ Simpson could be looking at life in jail when sentencing rolls around in December.

It’s an epic fall from grace for the man who, just last year, was living the high life only achieved by the select few who dare to write books on how they’d like to stab their already-murdered ex-wife to death if they had the chance. And now he might just spend the rest of his life behind bars.

The lesson from this is clear – if you ever want to burst into a hotel room with a gang of armed men to steal hundreds of sports memorabilia items, try to make sure that nobody’s secretly taping it at the same time. Because ultimately, as the jury pointed out, that’s what did OJ Simpson in. Sportingnews reports:

Jurors who convicted O.J. Simpson of armed robbery and kidnapping said Sunday they did not trust witness testimony in the case, and instead relied on audio and video recordings and other documented evidence to convict him. Jury foreman Paul Connelly said it was perhaps a waste for prosecutors to have given plea deals to several Simpson co-defendants in exchange for their testimony, since the jury did not rely on it.

What? You mean the court could have simply played the audio tape to the jury and they would have reached the same verdict? And we still had to wade through weeks and weeks of watching flabby old hasbeen wiseguys stumble around on the verge of heart attacks? That hardly seems like the most efficient way to go about business, does it?

Anyway, OJ Simpson is said to be ‘melancholy’ at the verdict, and he’s planning to appeal based on several factors including the racial mix of the jury and that some jurors may have believed this conviction was payback for his double murder acquittal five years ago.

That won’t happen for a while, though – appeals can’t be processed until sentencing, which won’t happen until December – so until then, OJ Simpson will have to remain in jail. That won’t be especially fun for OJ, because he’s apparently being kept away from other prisoners for his own safety.

Not because they want to kill him or anything, you understand, but because all the other prisoners are such big fans of OJ Simpson’s hidden camera prank DVD Juiced that they’d be constantly pestering him for an autograph at all hours of the day.

In fact, that’s what saddens us most about this conviction – it means OJ Simpson won’t be able to make any more volumes of Juiced. He could try it in prison, we guess, but having each prank end with the furious victim anally brutalising OJ Simpson in the municipal showers as a horrifically violent revenge act would probably get quite old quite fast.

Victoria Beckham clearly wasn't sent this particular memo, though, because she's on the front cover of Vogue this month complaining about how tough it is to be her, what with all the money and fame and jewels and whatnot. 

Victoria Beckham does have a point, of course – remove the giant LA mansion and husband who earns close to a million dollars a week and what are you left with? A scrawny orange twig with a speaking voice like a narcoleptic hairdresser and a face that looks like it was caught in a lift. So on this basis, yes, Victoria Beckham has got plenty to whinge about.

Some people look at Victoria Beckham and think she's got it all – a rich husband, a nice house, enough money to call her kids whatever ridiculous name she pleases without worrying that they'll have the shit booted out of them at school for it, a singing voice so weak that she effectively got paid millions of quid for doing bugger-all during the Spice Girls reunion concerts, two fake tits that look like veiny grapefruit that have been left on a radiator – but they'll never know the torment that goes with being Victoria Beckham.  

Scratch the surface of Victoria Beckham – although don't scratch too hard; she's very thin and you might poke right through the middle – and you'll be confronted with such a bleak picture of unending misery and profound human suffering that you'll wonder why Joy Division never made a concept album about her.

After all, Victoria's much-vaunted American television career died before it even started, her best friend is Katie Holmes – a woman who seems to be made of wires – and there's a very good chance that her husband had sex with a woman who masturbates pigs for a living. Speaking of pigs, there's a gang of them constantly hanging around Los Angeles, just waiting to chase Victoria Beckham around.

Now do you think that Victoria Beckham has got a tough life? No? Us neither to be honest, but that hasn't stopped Victoria Beckham from appearing on the front of this month's Vogue gnashing and wailing about how shit her life is like some sort of wizened biblical plague-carrier screaming at the foot of an erupting volcano. OK quotes:

“It’s tough being a pop star and a footballer’s wife. I’m aware of people’s preconceptions. For the other girls, it’s their business, but I don’t do that any more. My business is fashion… I’ve had my share of bad press and heartache and all sorts of things and it sort of kills you or makes you stronger.”

Unfortunately in this instance it seems to have made Victoria Beckham stronger.

Still, though, at least Victoria Beckham has let us know just how very terrible her life is. And, as consumers in this celebrity-driven age, we'll just have to live with what we've done to her. At least until the next time she poses for the front cover of a leading glossy fashion magazine covered in diamonds to explain all the other ways that she's worse off than we are.

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VICTORIA: "IT'S TOUGH BEING A POPSTAR" – OK