Libel - HecklerSpray

Sharon Osbourne Legally Not As Awful As You Thought

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You might not like Sharon Osbourne – specifically her stupid haircut, weird face and ridiculous Skeletor voice.

And that’s fine. But even Sharon Osbourne has her limits. Cross them and she’ll sue your flipping bum off. That’s what Sharon Osbourne did to The Sun after it claimed she was working Ozzy Osbourne ‘to destruction’ to keep her rich, and she’s won a substantial payout from it.

So whatever you do, don’t say that Sharon Osbourne is trying to kill her husband with work. But feel free to laugh at her funny Skeletor voice. That’s probably OK. If it isn’t, we’re screwed.

Ozzy Osbourne Wins Cash For Not Falling Over At The Brits

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

We’d always figured that Ozzy Osbourne was pretty libel-proof, because whatever you accuse him of, chances are he’s already done it.

Snorting a line of ants? Check. Chewing the heads off animals? Check. Urinating on the Alamo? Check. Getting hammered and trying to murder his wife? Check. Falling over a couple of times before the Brit Awards earlier this year? No way! Ugh! You sick bastard! Suggest that and Ozzy Osbourne will sue your tits off.

And win, too – Ozzy Osbourne has won undisclosed damages from the Daily Star after it claimed that Ozzy had a health scare right before the Brit Awards that almost saw him get withdrawn from the show. Turns out, though, that he was such a shaky and incoherent mess during the Brit Awards because he’s Ozzy Osbourne. Sheesh.

Kate Garraway Wins Cash For Not Shagging That Dancer

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The best thing about Strictly Come Dancing is that all the celebrities are clearly sleeping with their dance partners. Clearly.

Except one. GMTV‘s Kate Garraway – who took part in last year’s Strictly Come Dancing – definitely didn’t have sex with her chinny professional partner Anton Du Beke, and if you say she did you have to give her loads of money.

Which is what the Sunday Mirror has done after publishing a story claiming that Kate Garraway and Anton Du Beke were having an affair. In retrospect it seems like a silly claim – the thought of a Garraway/Du Beke affair seems ludicrous. Because, well, because he’s a massive chinny chin machine with a great big chinny chin.

Nicolas Cage Sues Kathleen Turner Over Dog-Stealing

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

To people of a certain age with very specific brain malfunctions, Nicolas Cage and Kathleen Turner are the epitome of sex and grace. So it's a shame they're out to get each other.

Fed up with a passage in her autobiography claiming that he's not only a drink-driver but a brazen chihuahua-thief, Nicolas Cage has decided to sue Kathleen Turner for everything she's got – which at the last count totalled three boxes of Serial Mom VHS tapes, some elastic-waisted jeans and half a packet of Lockets.

Still, Kathleen Turner should count herself lucky that Nicolas Cage is only suing her – it's only common decency that's stopping him from jumping into his old bear suit and smacking her right in the face.