Lewis Hamilton - HecklerSpray

Lewis Hamilton Still Loves Nicole Scherzinger, But Regrettably, Is Still As Interesting As A Mop Bucket

November 25th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

In 2011, sportsmen are not paid to be interesting. They’re paid huge sums to perform like androids and churn out cliches about ‘the team’ while showing absolutely no excitement for the field in which they perform.

So in that case, Lewis Hamilton is the perfect modern sporting personality.

Like many others, this crashing dullery saw him bagging an attractive celebrity girlfriend. He somehow managed to snare Pussycat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger. Sadly for him, they broke up and now, instead of retaining a dignified silence, he’s showing vague personality by saying that he still loves her. Maybe he should’ve been a little more interesting while they were courting, huh? So has he been crying over journalists, begging for a reappraisal?

Steve Jones And Nicole Scherzinger Are Being Forced To Have Sex By Simon Cowell

November 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Steve Jones is so potent that he could get a homophobe’s trousers aroused. He could probably get a kitchen table pregnant. God. He’s just so sexual.

He’s so sexy that TV productions companies know it and that, because he’s got a relatively self-effacing sense of humour, you can say that people are having sex with him and he won’t mind.

And so, now that Nicole Scherzinger isn’t going out with Lewis Hamilton anymore (mainly because he’s about as thrilling as a wart being frozen off), the X Factor USA team have decided to press her groin against his and shout “YOU’RE TOTALLY GOING OUT NOW! WE ALL SAW YOU COPPING OFF WITH EACH OTHER!” Kim Kardashian is on hand to offer advice about shortlived, lucrative wedding deals no doubt.

Lewis Hamilton To Become Even More Morose & Irritating After Splitting With Nicole Scherzinger

October 21st, 2011 By Michael Park

Every six months, like clockwork, an event happens that assures us of the revolution of the earth and the cosmic alignment of the stars bringing summer and winter ever closer. We are referring- of course- to the biannual split of F1 moaner Lewis Hamilton and surprisingly talented ex-Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger.

Yes, as sure as the sun sets in the West, the couple have now moved to end their relationship after 4 years together with Lewis reported to be so upset that he actually considered calling his father before realising he was Paul Di Resta’s dad now, not his.

The split has been blamed on the pair struggling to spend time together due to their hectic work schedules but you’re not really interested in that, are you? You want some completely unfounded muck-raking. Don’t you?

Nicole Scherzinger Doesn’t Like Lewis Hamilton Enough To Warrant Marriage

July 18th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Nicole Scherzinger not only has a surname that’s really annoying to type out because it’s both long and tricky, but she’s also determined to break poor little Lewis Hamilton’s 8 year old motor racing heart.

Why? She’s refusing to marry him. Refusing point blank and in public. What a nasty, nasty piece of work the X Factor USA judge is.

With the whole world willing the pair down the aisle with a collective unbridled love and devotion, dedicated to this truly magnificent celebrity pair (where would we be without their combined vrooming and skreeching noises?), they have thrown our feelings back in our faces, leaving us to cry into our steam-cleaned wedding hats.

Nicole Whatserface Announces That The Band She Was In Are Splitting

April 11th, 2011 By Michael Park

hecklerspray readers will no doubt be familiar with articles where we pretend that we don’t know who someone is to massive comic effect that leaves you rolling around on the floor, convulsing in laughter, looking like a cross between an itchy dog and a shooting victim.

On this occasion however, it would be wrong of us to pretend that we haven’t heard of ultra-successful megastar Nicole Scherzinger.

How can we tell that Nicole is a massively successful megastar with more talent in her fingernails than we have in our collective editorial body? She’s the lead singer of a band so bland and uninteresting musically that most of their fanbase are too bored to crack one off over their videos. However, Nicole has come out of that group being the only person that anyone recognises or remembers.

Nicole Scherzinger Is Engaged… In Her Own Mind

May 19th, 2009 By Amy Grindhouse

Nicole Scherzinger has spoken of her desire to get her man to take her up the aisle.

Clean that filthy mind, you! We mean an actual aisle in a place of worship and not the back passage way that all her other lovers have taken her down, with convincing talk that it would only sting for a day or so afterward.

Well, whichever well-lubricated aisle she had in mind, the lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls has decided to get engaged around July, to her man candy Lewis Hamilton. Note to future gold diggers: just being with a man who is desired by many is not enough when you become rich and famous, ?Greedy Bitch-itus? has to overcome you and you have to marry the boy too.

Naomi Campbell Too Haggard For Lewis Hamilton

March 31st, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Since Naomi Campbell became legal back on 22nd May 1986, she has opened her legs at pelvis-breaking speed to welcome any new black icon that has emerged onto the scene – Mike Tyson, Usher, Damon Dash, P Diddy and that bloke from U2 are among a legion of others who were all more that happy to acquiesce to her chuff-based request.

But modern day hero Lewis Hamilton, the prodigal driving boy with the kindest face in the world, has shown his maturity again by refusing to park up inside Naomi's cordial car park.

The 22-year-old F1 star, who has been seen with the 37-year-old supermodel on several occasions in recent months, insists the age gap is too big for them to have a relationship.