Levi Johnston is the master of the art of trolling. It appears his sole aim in life is to annoy supreme pencil neck, Sarah Palin, ’til she reaches the point of explosion. Of course, when she finally KABOOMS, the sky will be thick with impotent rage and garbled words spelled out like the sky has been attacked by a dyslexic skywriter.

Better yet, is that Palin can’t really do much about it because Levi is the father to her grandson. He’s always going to be part of the Palin family.

So imagine the next time they awkwardly meet up, when Levi announces that he’s writing a tell-all book about Palin and her mental, trigger happy family!

And why is Levi writing this book?

“For me, for my boy Tripp and for the country.”

How noble! So what is the book going to be called? ‘Living With The Palins’? Or maybe ‘Inside The Political Storm: Sarah Palin & Me’?

Absolutely not. That’s not nearly funny enough. Levi’s book is to be called ‘Deer in the Headlights: My Life in Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs’! HAHAHA!

We can only hope the dust-jacket features some shoddy photoshopping, with Levi’s head on a deer body with Sarah in a bikini firing rounds into the ground.

Johnston says:

“I want to tell the truth about my close relationship with the Palins, my sense of Sarah and my perplexing fall from grace — how I feel and what I’ve learned”

Or, in English, he’s going to be taking the rise out of all the Palin family, including the prancing ex, Bristol. The publishers are promising that the whole thing is going to be a hoot to read, filled with funny anecdotes.

Seeing as Levi recently bared all for Playgirl, we wouldn’t bet against it. We can only hope that it’s filled with libellous anecdotes and hilarious asides about Palin flying into apoplectic rages when she can’t work out how to set the timer on her video player.

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Looking at Sarah Palin, it is hard to imagine a more terrifying political human. Her staggering simplery along with gasping vapidity is far too close to the nuclear codes for our liking. You’d be forgiven for thinking that things could only get worse if Glen Beck announced his intention to run for office.

Until that crushingly inevitable day occurs, we can look forward to another horror.

That’s right citizens of this failing planet! Bristol Palin fully intends to follow in her mother’s waddling political footsteps. This is the signal we’ve all been waiting for. The end is nigh. Kill yourselves now.

Bristol has announced, not in specific terms, that she’s prepared to destroy the Earth in the future after she said she would “probably” run for office one day, “but that would be further down the road.” A road littered with piles of cadavers and craters.

She says:

“If I saw something that needed to be changed, then I would step up to the plate and do something about it”

Already showing signs of being a charismatic leader, Bristol admitted in an interview that she has no friends in Arizona, and that she spends a lot of time rattling around her house talking to herself while mopping up the puke and piss of 2-year-old Tripp.

We mock, but we could all be calling Tripp the ‘Grand Poobah’ or something when he inherits the world from his batshit mental family.

On her road to ruling the planet, Bristol will first take a job at a radio station in Arizona, where she’ll try and forget about all that Dancing With The Stars nonsense.

“We are in the works with them. Just to see when and what the logistics and stuff of it but it would be a lot of fun.”

She’s also a little keener to talk about her new boyfriend who, obviously, is completely lacking in every single sensory organ. He’s called Gino.

“He’s a good guy. He’s a family guy. He’s a Christian. We have all the same religious beliefs and our families both come first in our lives, and we just have a lot in common…He loves Tripp and he’s just awesome to be around.”

Fuck. Another Christian. They’re worse than the Scientology lot. Until our planet is crushed like a beer can, we can at least look forward to Bristol Palin’s new book. We’re already assuming it’ll be her mandate for the future of mankind.

Cooperate or be killed. Hey! Bristol! You should use that as the title for it!

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Over the past ten years or so, the world has been flooded with countless pointless memoirs and autobiographies. You’ll be able to read Justin Bieber’s soon, which will no doubt say “I was born three seconds ago and I sang some songs and can’t work out how to undo Selena Gomez’s bra, The End.’

And now, we’re due another utterly pointless document in the shape of a memoir from Bristol Palin. She’s hardly known for being a raconteur is she?

This isn’t plain ol’ hearsay either. Bristol’s memoir is already showing up on Amazon.com. We are, presumably, supposed to be thrilled at the prospect of reading about someone with a simpleton mother, teenage pregnancy and how hard it is wobbling around like a giraffe on a see-saw on ‘Dancing With the Stars’.

Unfathomably, this book (currently called ‘Untitled Bristol Palin Memoir’, which for the record, we think the publishers should keep as a title), is 304-pages long! It’s either filled with padding or the book uses an amazingly large typeface. Maybe it utilises the whole ‘one letter per page’ thing?

The book is set for a June 21st release, which is thrilling news for fans of people who like non-events on June 21st.Perhaps it’s your birthday on that date? This book will, guaranteed, not upstage you

Bristol’s memoir will, of course, be published by William Morrow & Co. (a leg of HarperCollins) who published Sarah Palin’s ‘Going Rouge: An American Life’ and ‘America by Heart : Reflections on Family, Faith, and Flag.’ Both of those were translated from crayon into proper print.

Recently, Bristol has been all coy about her new love interest (probably at his behest for fear of everyone ripping the shit out of him for the rest of his life) and has moved away from Alaska to Arizona. Does Bristol only live in places that begin with ‘A’? Is she going to eventually live in Alabama? Or… er… Aowa? Or Ayoming? Anusota?

Perhaps she could clear that up for us in her memoir or, y’know, write a joke for us about things beginning with ‘A’ that isn’t quite so clunky. And rubbish.

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The Palin family are just great aren’t they? In Sarah Palin, we have a woman who doesn’t know a single thing about the world outside of Alaska (she probably thinks Mary Poppins is a gritty documentary about England) and in Bristol, we’ve got a gal who has the cold, dead stare of someone who has witnessed the unspeakable.

Of course, she used to date the most hilarious man in America – Levi Johnston – a man made entirely of satire. He got her pregnant, then promptly went about slagging off anyone with the surname Palin. That probably includes Michael Palin.

Anyway, after being rubbish at dancing on television, Bristol has been looking for love or something. And apparently, she’s found it in the most likely of places – The Alaskan pipeline!

Bristol, was recently asked by the jocks of the Bob & Mark Show if she was seeing a 20-year-old Alaska pipeline worker. She probably spends a lot of time around the pipeline with her mum, straddling it while stroking a gleaming gun, waiting for any pesky Russians who might come along and try to divert all that lovely oil to… oh we dunno… filthy communists and terrorists!

Bristol says about her lovelife:

“I’m seeing a guy and he’s really great and Tripp loves him and we’re having a really good time and we’re really good friends”

“Yeah, we can go with that. I’m thrilled. I love the town that I live in. I love my house. Tripp’s happy; he’s healthy. It was cool. It made Dancing with the Stars worth it, for sure.”

What? Is she saying that this new bloke of hers is ‘healthy’ and that he only tapped her ass because she was on Dancing With The Stars?

Jesus wept… she’s not a fussy girl is she?

Bristol also decided to let everyone know that she’s changed Tripp’s last name to Palin. Although, she’s not done it legally because expert satirist Levi is rather reluctant to do so.

She explains:

“Yeah, I’ve asked Levi to do it many different times, just get it out of the way, just sign over his parental rights, but I don’t know if he will or if he wants to right now. I’ve asked him to do that many times – just say, ‘Hey, look, let’s just avoid this custody case that’s been ongoing since Tripp was born just get it over with just sign over your rights. He’s always going to be your son, you can see him whenever you want to,’ but he just doesn’t want to sign him over because it looks bad on paper. Since Dancing With the Stars he’s seen him, at the most, three times. It’s like four hours I think. It’s unfortunate for Tripp.”

That’s the way things work in Palinland. ‘Just sign over your parental rights’ and everything will be tickety boo for everyone, okay? No seriously. It won’t stop you from seeing your child. There’s no accounting for what my mental mother might do once that happens, but y’know, there’s no beef here!

Head. On. Desk.

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If Sarah Palin wasn’t a politician, she’d be hilarious. Think about it. She’s a gun-toting, slackjawed moose-for-brains who garbles her words and thinks that it is totally okay to use gun-targets in association with her political rivals.

Had she been the invention of a satirist, you’d laugh like a drain at each dunderheaded move she made.

Sadly, she’s horribly real and has gone about invigorating the kind of American that makes the rest of the world wince with discomfort. And no-one has ever seen her blink, even when she said that outrageous ‘death panel’ comment.

And why is Palin so terrifying? Well, for a start, she allows her belief in Jesus to oppose abortion including some cases of rape and incest, while being totally cool with being a life-member of the NRA, which means she can shoot living things if she wants, as long as they’re not growing inside a sac.

She also doesn’t want gays to get married. We can only assume that she’s opposed to same-sex unions because their celebrations of the event will be more fabulous than a thousand series of ‘Sarah Palin’s Alaska’.

So it goes, that Sarah Palin’s TV show is to be cancelled much to the chagrin of all those television critics who enjoying giving it a kicking every time it was transmitted.

That’s right fool-fans, there are no plans to record footage of Palin shooting a moose in the face with a gun any more. Shame. Those moose kids really love it when someone captures their ‘best side’ being blown clean off by a hooraying simpleton with a penchant for rolling big words around her mouth like a cat flicking at an ulcer with its tongue.

Sadly, this means that Palin will probably be running for office now. So instead of watching Eskimo bingo, we’re going to have to endure her talking about her North Korean allies and her self-proclaimed likeness to Shakespeare.

Brilliant. We’re all doomed. Where do we sign-up for one of these death panel things we’ve been told about?

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Look into Sarah Palin’s eyes. What do you see? Your own reflection probably, because she wears glasses. However, hoik those specs clean off her head and you’ll see a faint glimpse of life in those cold, dead eyes.

That’s because Palin is a cold-blooded killer. Now, we’re not suggesting that Palin went postal over the weekend, opening fire on a mall full of people, but rather, she likes killing animals despite the fact she has enough money in the bank to, y’know, buy food from a shop.

Alas, Sarah Palin wants to win the hearts and minds of Americans by showcasing her feral side, which could well mean that we’ll see her dragging herself along some grass on her posterior or marking her territory by pissing on as many trees as possible.

In her ‘reality’ show, Palin has decided that it is perfectly okay for her to prowl around the countryside of Alaska with a great big fuck-off gun and shoot lead into the bloodstream of caribou who were minding their own business, crapping on hillsides and endlessly chewing things over and over again.

While out hunting with her father, the Palins yelled that things were getting desperate. They were down to “five packages of moose and three of caribou” meat! WHAT TO DO?! Go to the shop and buy some more meat? Take a trip to the drive-thru for a burger or two?

No. That’s a stupid idea. Why not go and kill some pesky varmints?

Says Palin, pretending that she isn’t an incredibly wealthy woman:

“That rifle in your hand can mean food on your table.”

Jesus wept. She’ll be posing with artillery in her bikini next, sporting a hat made out of a wolf’s face. There’s Tea Baggers out there who have probably seen this image already, when they furiously jerk off with shame in the dead of night.

Naturally, it is Palin’s ability to kill animals who can’t shoot back (that’s not to say they weren’t offered guns, but rather, they don’t have the required digits at the end of their legs to pull a trigger. That’s why Americans don’t hunt monkeys) that gives her an innate belief in herself.

“This is what has given me a desire to be tough and independent.”

What about her daughter though? She was all independent when she went off and had sex with someone out of wedlock. Did Sarah whip out a metaphorical shotgun so Bristol got married, in an attempt to keep her presidential hopes on the rails?

Seeing as Palin is in the opposition, she could well be looking at her prancing offspring as the reason for her failure… as opposed to a frankly baffling approach to the English language and a gaspingly dreadful grasp of foreign affairs. As such, Sarah Palin has been accused of forcing Bristol to do Dancing With the Stars because she owed momma one.

That’s what Margaret Cho is saying any way.

Cho blogged:

“Sarah supposedly blames Bristol harshly and openly…for not winning the election, and so she told Bristol she ‘owed’ it to her to do DWTS so that ‘America would fall in love with her again’ and make it possible for Sarah Palin to run in 2012…”

And what does Bristol have to say on the matter?

“I will give my friend credit for creativity, and extra points for getting so many ‘facts’ wrong in so few sentences.”

She could be talking about her own mother there, couldn’t she? Still, at least the Palin’s are all really good aims with a rifle. That’s a skill that everyone needs in this world don’t they?

If you’re mental.

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There’s been mutterings over the pond that Dancing With The Stars has been a bit skewed this year. Why? Well, Bristol ‘My Mom Is Sarah Palin And I Have A Hilarious Ex Boyfriend’ Palin found herself in the final three, despite having the dancing prowess of a kitchen work surface.

It seems that the Tea Baggers (really, someone should tell those narrow-minded chumps the alternative meaning for that) have been voting in droves to perhaps soften the image of the gobbledegook nattering, gun wielding simpleton, Sarah Palin, who is probably going to be the next US president.

However, there is room for hope. That’s because, despite the efforts of the slackjawed xenophobes, Bristol Palin didn’t win Dancing With The Stars. Jennifer Grey and Derek Hough did. You probably don’t recognise her from Dirty Dancing because she looks like a completely different human.

In fact, Bristol Palin didn’t even come second in the show. Someone we’ve never heard of got that gong. In fact, things must have been bad for the show as Jennifer Grey managed to out-dance everyone else whilst having a slipped disc in her back or something. Maybe the cha-cha-cha includes a move where you grip your back constantly and grimace with pain?

Still, it’s totally worth winning a dancing contest, even if it does mean you’ll never walk properly again.

In the show, third-place loser Bristol announced that winning the programme would be like “a big middle finger to all the people out there who hate my mom and hate me.”

So that’s one thing cleared up. Everyone seemingly DOES hate the Palins. Maybe the whole ‘getting her to the final and then snatching the trophy away from her just as she started to get her hopes up’ was a massive ruse on the part of the American public. If so, hecklerspray commends you and will get the next flight available to give every single one of you a hearty pat on the back.

As Sarah Palin goes off on a book tour, where simpletons can be found chanting “Go Sarah! Go Sarah!” like they’re on the Jerry Springer Show (lets face it, both crowds are from a very similar place) and continues with her cod-reality show which essentially sees her being an action figure come to life (replace that with ‘fuck-doll’ if you prefer) for right wing America (the kind of people who like to ban Sharia Law in States that has absolutely no intention of getting Sharia Law in the first place. A bit like someone allergic to diary proudly announcing that they’re giving up sucking the milk from cow’s teats), Bristol could well be called upon to dance around like a performing monkey, just in case her mother makes up another stupid word or gets asked any tricky questions about, y’know, politics.

Maybe we’re watching America develop sarcasm in front of our very eyes, dangling the presidency before Palin before voting for someone else?

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Left wing media this. Right wing media that. hecklerspray knows a dick when it sees one and Sarah Palin is up there with the best of them. That’s not because we’re liberal tarts or what have you, but rather, like mercilessly taking the piss out of thick people… and the Republican Party over in America is an absolute godsend in that respect.

As such, it was hilarious to see Sarah Palin getting her face booed at on Dancing With The Stars. She definitely did. Biased commentators will have you believe that the boos were directed elsewhere, but it’s as plain as the genitals between your legs that they were a little gift for one of America’s most dimwitted humans.

A woman who probably had kittens when she discovered that she could open a new tab when looking for stuff to blame the imagined erosion of American values online.

There are people out there who would have you believe that the boos on the show were dished out because of the worse-than-expected scores given to Jennifer Grey for her dance-routine.

Apparently, the crowd were so worked up about Jennifer ‘Has A Completely Different Face These Days And Could Well Be Replaced By A Semi Professional Dancer For All We Know’ Grey’s trio of 8s from the judges, that they decided to boo boo BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

A network spokeshuman said:

“They were just expressing their feelings about a really, really good dance. It’s not at all unusual.”

And neither is booing Sarah Palin it seems. She’s been booed by her own supporters because she couldn’t be bothered to sign her book for them, and most amusingly, she got her arse handed to her at a hockey game where she was given the opportunity to drop the first puck.

BOOOOO!

And again, the fine people of America gave her another booing on Dancing With The Stars, covered up by nervous television executives who don’t want to appear in favour of either side… which in itself, is hilarious given the extreme leanings of American news networks.

In the clip below, you can see Palin’s reaction to definitely being booed at, as the camera cuts to her still shaking her empty little head. Imagine how loud the boos are in there, as the noises bounce off each empty arc of her inner-skull. It must be deafening.

Anyway, here’s the booing.

BOO! HISS! BOOOO! BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Once upon a time, Britain looked to the Royal Family with distrust because they were always distant and remote. Then, they appeared on our TVs in It’s A Royal Knock-Out! and we all realised that their being away from us was a huge blessing.

Now, America is faced with the same feeling after watching Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, shuffling around a dancefloor like a pensioner trying to get to the toilet before their bag bursts in Dancing With The Stars.

Funnily enough, she danced around to ‘Momma Told Me Not To Come’, which is presumably what Bristol’s ex-fella, Levi Johnston was probably wishing he got told before he slipped one in to the daughter of one of America’s most idiotic politicians.

So what did Sarah Palin think of Bristol’s performance?

Well, after initially shooting round after round at her television set for being an evil talky-box of magic, she settled down and tweeted:

“Over-the-moon excited and happy for Bristol! Cheering her on @ DWTS party in the Palin living room,”

Imagine going to a party at Sarah Palin’s house. Imagine how grim that would be. Piss on the toilet seat and she’d probably chase you round the garden with a shot-gun and accuse you of being a commie bastard.

Anyway, here’s a video of Bristol Palin, showing all the grace of a lanky puppy in a cement mixer, complete with shit-eating VOTE FOR ME grin.

Lovely stuff.

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Every so often, a walking guilt-shag comes along. Once, men secretly desired after Kelly Osbourne, never daring to let on because… well… she’s mental and not very attractive. More recently, it was Sarah Palin who is, well, a right wing nutjob.

It’s okay though. While you dream of degrading her with your member, Levi Johnston has been on hand to consistently wind Palin up like an expert internet troll.

And he’s at it again, now saying that the only thing he regrets regarding the pregnating of Palin’s daughter, relationship and all that junk, is saying sorry to the pie-eyed politician.

Apparently, it makes him sound like a liar.

Levi publicly apologised to the former Alaskan governor over the summer for a bunch of remarks he had made about her family in the past. In short, he said they were all shit humans.

However in an interview which will be aired in the US on The Early Show, he’s admitted that he’s having second thoughts about saying sorry.

He says:

“I don’t really regret anything, but the only thing I wish I wouldn’t have done is put out that apology because it kind of makes me sound like a liar.”

“And I’ve never lied about anything. So that’s probably the only thing. The rest of the stuff I can live with.”

This is chap who has said that Palin would say “Where’s my retarded baby?” as well as rubbishing her outdoorsy image by noting “I’ve never seen her touch a fishing pole. She had a gun in her bedroom and one day she asked me to show her how to shoot it.” Not to mention his barbed “It’s ridiculous how fake [the Palins] are.”

Go get ‘em tiger! We’re all having way too much fun!

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Seriously, it must be awesome being Levi Johnston – he’s dedicated his entire life to riling Sarah Palin.

It informs everything he does. When Levi Johnston knocked up her schoolgirl daughter Bristol, it was to rile Sarah Palin. When he stripped off for Playgirl and told the world that Sarah Palin calls her youngest son a ‘retard’, it was to rile Sarah Palin. When he patched things up with Bristol Palin only to split up with her again days later, it was to rile Sarah Palin.

In fact, Levi Johnston has probably exhausted his ability to rile Sarah Palin by now. Wait, what? He’s making a reality show? About him running for the post of mayor of Wasilla? The same post that Sarah Palin held between 1996 and 2002? And he’s doing it specifically to piss Sarah Palin off? That’s either amazing or creepy. Oh, what the hell, it can be both.

Levi Johnston was born to be a star. Actually, no, we take that back. In reality, Levi Johnston was born to kill animals with sticks and drink beer and guffaw every time he farts, but knocking up Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter a few years ago changed all that for him. Now he’s a star.

But unlike other stars, who use their status to make money or help the needy or raise awareness of the mighty commander Xenu, Levi Johnston is fuelled purely by spite. It’s almost like he spends every single night awake in his room, trying to figure out a way to enrage Sarah Palin so much that her head literally pops off and squirts blood all over her Momma Grizzly focus group. And, by jove, he might have done it.

That’s right – Levi Johnston is making a reality TV show about his bid to run for mayor of Wasilla, a job that Sarah Palin herself held for six years. Genius. ABC News reports:

Johnston is partnering with reality production veterans Stone and Co. (TLC’s “Extreme Food Sculpting”), which confirmed it is shooting a pilot with Johnston. Titled “Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor’s Office,” the show will have a three-pronged focus: Johnston vying for office, being a father to Tripp and attempting to pursue a career in Hollywood.

Brilliant. The best thing about it is that the show will definitely end in one of two ways – first, Levi Johnston will actually become mayor of Wasilla, and make such an impression that he goes onto to govern Alaska, during which time he’ll impress an up-and-coming presidential candidate into offering him a shot at becoming vice president, and he’ll win, and Levi Johnston will be the vice president of America and Sarah Palin will have an aneurysm.

Second, Levi Johnston won’t become mayor of Wasilla and he’ll have to fall back on plan B – kidnapping Sarah Palin, dressing up in her clothes and directly terrorising her family until they all become irreparably emotionally traumatised by the experience. Which, incidentally, would also make a good reality show.

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It must be rubbish being Bristol Palin. Not only is her first name a euphemism for boobs, but her mum – Sarah Palin – is a thicko-mentalist. On top of all that, she just can’t seem to keep her man. Oh wait! Yes she can! Nope. Hang on. He’s gone again.

During the writing of this article, Bristol Palin will probably split up, get back together with, and split up with (again), that bloke called Levi Johnston.

Yesterday, after a paltry 20 days of engagement (I’ve had diarrhoea that’s lasted longer than that – it was constant too) Bristol and Levi have split up.

“It’s over. I broke up with him,” Bristol told US magazine People.

Why? Well, apparently, Levi was going to film a music video that mocked her family. As funny as that is, you can imagine that it might cause a bit of tension.

The pair got engaged after Bristol became pregnant during the 2008 US presidential campaign. The resultant baby adds another hilariously daft name to the story – Tripp.

The whole sorry saga included a second engagement, which again, wasn’t helped after Johnston slagged off the Palins about the custody battle over his stupidly named son. In fairness to Levi, he’s showed a masterclass in putting his foot in it as when he proposed for a second time, he muttered that he may have got another teenage girl pregnant.

He’s either really not into condoms or his sperm is so super that he can get a woman pregnant just by slagging their mum off.

Bristol said:

“The final straw was him flying to Hollywood for what he told me was to see some hunting show but come to find out it was that music video mocking my family. He’s just obsessed with the limelight and I got played.”

However, he’s saying that it is all one big misunderstanding.

A source has said of Levi:

“He isn’t mocking anything! In actuality, he just received the script last week. None of this was planned by him, other than his handlers agreed to allow him to do the video. This entire production really was just a business opportunity for him and the production staff had other actors in mind.”

Alas, production of this video is going ahead… he might as well now, eh? He’s got a fair bit of time now one would imagine.

“No one ever thought this much press was going to come from it,” the source said. “After the past week, everything is a bit hectic and they really weren’t prepared for a storm like this.”

Sarah Palin, of course, threw a load of gobbledegook at the situation by saying:

“I wish for Bristol to be able to move forward in life with her same forgiving, gracious, optimistic spirit, but from henceforth she’ll know to trust but verify,” she said.

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We know, you’ve had an anxious couple of weeks fretting about how Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have been getting on with their engagement.

Such anxious feelings are only to be expected when one of the couple is the daughter of America’s stupidest and most wholesomely religious person, and the other is famous only for not properly whapping his cock out in Playgirl magazine.

That is the dictionary definition of ‘mismatch’.

Well, your fears have been realised today, as Bristol Palin announces that her engagement to Levi Johnston is OVER. With a capital O. And then a capital V. And then a… see you after the jump, eh?

…pital E. And then a capital R.

To be honest, we thought that our lives had descended into the basement when we began lamenting the fact that a chubby Alaskan redneck refused to show his cock in Playgirl. But now we find ourselves sunk even lower: we are bringing you the news that the dickless fatboy has once again been rebuffed by his longtime girlfriend, Bristol Palin.

Who would have seen this coming?

(Apart from anyone who’s ever read a single thing about the hapless pair of morons. Or anyone who knows that she is the daughter of a Christian Presidential hopeful and he is an enormous, irresponsible dicktool. Or anyone who scrapes dung from the walls of a remote, rural Indian cattle station for a living and has never heard of either of them but just somehow has a hunch that Levi Johnston is a great big flabby bag of bollocks.)

Okay, so we all saw this coming. Apart from Bristol Palin, who has only just realised that her fiancée, Levi Johnston, is perhaps the most enormous piece of arse gristle the world has ever seen.

According to People she’s called the engagement off and gone back to live with her parents (Sarah Palin and Sarah Palin’s Husband). Here’s how it all played out, in the words of the privileged whingebag:

I’ve only seen him once in the past three weeks. The final straw was him flying to Hollywood for what he told me was to see some hunting show but come to find out it was that music video mocking my family.

I got played.

Oh yes, Bristol Palin, you got played.

Played by one of the most devious and cunning players out there right now. By a boy who had virtually no coherent reason for marrying you other than the fact you could enhance his pair of careers (which are, by the way, a) advertising pistachio nuts and b) categorically not schlopping out his schlong for a girly porn mag).

Ah, well. It’s the end of a an era.

A beautiful era.

An era which has provided us with innumerable chances to mock the relationship between two backwoods country children from what is basically the Arctic, one of whose parents has overcome congenital stupidity to become a contender for having her finger on the nuclear button which could kill us all.

Not to worry: it won’t be two weeks before they’re having sex on top of Mount Rushmore. And that, people, would probably make her President by default.

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We’re not female. But if we were, we know exactly what we’d want in a man. A love of hockey, for example.

And a willingness to strip for magazines. And an appreciation of pistachio nuts. And an eagerness to knock us up while we were still at school, then split up with us, then tell lies about how our mother cracked a series of sick jokes about our Down’s Syndrome-afflicted sibling. That last one especially. Nothing would arouse us more than seeing the estranged father of our illegitimate child accuse our mother of making disabled jokes. We can barely control ourselves just thinking about it. Could. We could barely control ourselves. If we were female. Which we’re not.

But anyway, Bristol Palin clearly feels the same, because she’s just got re-engaged to Levi Johnston, the man who did exactly that to her. We must go to their wedding.

Did anyone else think it was weird when Levi Johnston apologised to Sarah Palin last week? He seemed to be having so much fun trashing her in public whenever he could. More than that – it was almost his entire reason to be. First he knocked up Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter to ruin her chances of becoming vice president on a staunchly conservative pro-abstinence ticket. Then he left her daughter to get his balls out for a magazine. And then he went on TV to say that Sarah Palin called her son – who has Down’s Syndrome – “my retarded baby.”

That’s an amazing way to spend your life – and we heard rumours that Levi Johnston’s next step in his campaign of brilliant vindictiveness involved carving the phrase ‘Sarah Palin’s Flange Smells Of Bad Marmalade’ onto the surface of the moon to torment her every night – but it’s all over now. And all because stupid Levi Johnston fell in love with stupid Bristol Palin again, and now they’re getting married. MSNBC reports:

“We got engaged two weeks ago. It felt right, even though we don’t have the approval of our parents,” [Bristol] told Us Weekly in a story published Wednesday. Inside, Bristol admits that she and Johnston had not told Sarah and Todd Palin about the engagement. “It is intimidating and scary just to think about what her reaction is going to be. Hopefully she will jump on board.”

What’s more, it’s been revealed that Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin are likely to get married as soon as possible, maybe even within the next month. This is definitely because they love each other and want to be the best parents they can for their child, and not because they’re both horny and want to do it as quickly as possible. Probably not. Oh, fine, that might have something to do with it. In fact, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s the only reason they’re getting married at all. Because they’re both so bloody horny. Happy now?

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Levi Johnston has lived the dream. He’s knocked up a schoolgirl, indirectly lost an election and endorsed some nuts.

What else could he want? To get his balls out for a magazine? He’s done that too. Truly, Levi Johnston has spent the last few years being the very model of a sexually irresponsible teenager with a slightly unnatural fondness for cashew nuts. But all that has come to an end – Levi Johnston has decided to bite the bullet and apologise to his baby’s grandmother Sarah Palin for publicly suggesting that she was close to divorce last year.

And apparently Sarah Palin didn’t even joke about her own son’s Down’s Syndrome, either. It’s getting to be that we can’t believe anything we hear about Sarah Palin any more. Honestly, she’d still better believe that the world is six weeks old or we’ll be terribly disappointed.

For as long as we can remember, Levi Johnston and Sarah Palin have been at each other’s throats. He messed up her big vice-presidential campaign by knocking up her teenage daughter and harming her strict pro-abstinence policy. Then he accused her of making jokes about her son’s Down Syndrome and having terminal marital difficulties. Then, perhaps less relevantly, he got his balls out and made an advert about cashew nuts.

It’s been a real soap opera, albeit a soap opera full of bad haircuts and bizarre pronunciation. But every soap opera needs to come to an end, usually with everyone dying inside a burning coach that’s fallen off a clifftop. And that’s true of this soap opera, albeit sadly without the burning coach or the clifftop bit. Anyway, look, he’s apologised to her. The Los Angeles Times reports:

“[A]gainst my better judgment,” Johnston said in the Tuesday statement, “I publicly said things about the Palins that were not completely true.” He said also he’d privately apologized, but decided to take it public because he’d spoken publicly in the first place. Bristol Palin answered with a statement that she and her ex, who together have a child, Tripp, are “turning a new page.”

You see? Every story can have a happy ending, even two-year-old stories that nobody cares about. Let’s just hope that Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin and Sarah Palin can now come together as one and give baby Tripp the happy, woefully miseducated life he was always destined to have.

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