Poor old Bristol Palin, she’s got a shotgun wielding nutcase of a mother, had a child with a man who has neck so red that it can’t be seen by the naked eye and, unbelievably, she failed to win some shoddy yank spin-off of Strictly Come Dancing.

In what can only be seen as an attempt to desperately claw back some semblance of dignity, dear sweet Brizzle has appeared in a Public Service Announcement for safe sex, alongside none other than Mike, “The Situation,” Sorrentino.

Yes, you did read that correctly, Bristol Palin is promoting safe sex with a man who is named after his own abdomen.

Rather predictably the word situation features heavily in the clip, and not just because the Jersey Shore star tosspot has an IQ that only allows him to repeat the words, “the situation,” over and over again whilst dribbling and staring far off into the distance.

Our intrepid heroes are seen backstage at Dancing With the Stars, talking about how they like to avoid situations whilst having situations because that situation could lead to another situation in which a final, drastically life altering, situation crops up, thereby ruining said original situation.

Get it? Neither do we.

BUT WAIT! That’s not even the most bizarre part of this travesty in the name of public service.

During the PSA we are subjected to the Situation (the numbskull with the flat stomach, not the overall circumstance Palin and Sorrentino find themselves in) trying to get his hands on Bristol’s bristols, only to be told that Palin likes to avoid those situations, because she’s all about the abs…tinence. DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE!?

HAHAHAHAHA!

The more current affairs savvy amongst you will have noticed that this PSA went viral just before the Pope announced that he wasn’t as against condoms as he was last week. It’s hard to say whether Palin and Sorrentino had anything to do with the Vatican’s decision to change its stance, but we here at hecklerspray like to think that the his holiness the Pope wears a What Would the Situation Do? wristband as he struts around Vatican City, with his slicked back hair hidden under his Papal headgear.

For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, here is the B-Palin/Situation Safe Sex PSA in all its farcical glory.

Jesus Wept.

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If you ever wanted to be famous, why not take a leaf out of Levi Johnson’s book and knock up the teenage daughter of a high-ranking politician?

It seems to work – a few days ago, nobody knew who Levi Johnson was. And now, just because he happened to get vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin‘s underage daughter pregnant out of wedlock, you literally can’t get away from him. Seriously, he’s been in newspapers, magazines, on TV – and this morning we swear we saw Levi Johnson on a billboard advertising Sunny Delight, accompanied by the slogan ‘So good it’ll make you want to grow a mullet and have unprotected sex with a teenage girl, too!’

And, perversely, Levi Johnson seems to have only made Sarah Palin more popular. Barack Obama must be kicking himself – why can’t he find a nice young redneck to get one of his daughters pregnant too?

Sorry Democrats, we know you’ve put Diddy on the case, but not even his star wattage can help you now. Not now you’re up against the mighty Sarah Palin. She’s literally unstoppable.

Why? Because for a start she’s pretty. Not pretty pretty, mind you – politician pretty, which is basically where anyone under the age of 65 who doesn’t look like a greying testicle counts as stunningly attractive. Secondly, Sarah Palin loves guns and the death penalty, meaning that middle America would only love her more if she was biologically a monster truck. And thirdly, her teenage daughter sounds a bit slutty and careless.

As you’ve probably heard, Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter Bristol is pregnant. A pregnant teenage unmarried daughter? What a genius career move – Sarah Palin has essentially done a Jamie Lynn Spears. If you’re wondering, doing a Jamie Lynn Spears is much smarter than doing a Britney Spears, although not as smart as doing a Vanessa Hudgens.

Sadly Sarah Palin knows who the father of her daughter’s unborn illegitimate baby is, otherwise they could have done an episode of Maury about it and wrap up the election right now. The father of the baby is Levi Johnson, an ice hockey player who described himself as a ‘fuckin’ redneck’ on his now-defunct MySpace page.

And right now Levi Johnson is probably wondering what the hell he’s got himself into.

Not only is he (probably) being railroaded into marrying Sarah Palin’s daughter so that Palin can show everyone how pro-life and pro-heterosexuality and pro-redneck she really is, but Levi Johnson’s also been forced to go to the Republican National Convention this week, too, according to his mother. People reports:

Sherry Johnston told reporters that Levi left Alaska on Tuesday to fly to St. Paul, Minn., according to the Associated Press… Asked to respond to reports that the young couple had been pressured to marry, Sherry Johnston replied, “Absolutely not.” She said that Levi and Bristol had plans to marry even before they learned that Bristol was pregnant.

So, thanks to a moment of thoughtlessness, Levi Johnson now gets to spend the best part of a week hanging round with a load of dusty old men who only talk about tax cuts and immigrants. The message is clear – kids, wear a condom. That sounds worse than chlamydia.