Remember when Mel Gibson was a Beaverless actor who wasn’t thought of as a racist, woman slapping basket case? Remember those days? Everyone liked him and he was the only famous Australian in the world.

Sadly for Mel, there’s loads of famous Australians who don’t terrify women and have buck-toothed rodents welded onto their arms now, leaving him looking pretty daft indeed.

And this is all thanks to his very public and incredibly messy split with Oksana Grigorieva. She’s so hurt by Gibbo’s fall from grace that she wants $500,000 for the trauma it has caused. Not her though. She’s fine. It’s the trauma caused to her 14-year-old son Sasha who everyone is mercilessly bullying thanks to being associated with two humans who give us all incredible amounts of ammunition, mercifully.

Naturally, like any divorce starring a wealthy human, there’s an incredibly expensive custody settlement being fought over, which involves the pair’s daughter Lucia. She’s a baby and hopefully doesn’t know that her parents are a tagteam of berks yet.

Oksana, who Gibson confessed to giving a right hander to, has made it pretty clear that she’ll need a lot of money to go away.

One of the reasons is that she’s claiming that Mel traumatised the boy during an impressively nasty fight in January, which ALLEGEDLY ended in violence. Oksana claims Gibson knocked two of her teeth out, while Mel says he slapped her because she was out of control and was endangering their baby.

It’s obvious that Gibson’s new partner – a plush Beaver – is responsible for the friction caused between the two, whispering sinister instructions into the actor’s ear, such as Gibson’s apparent wish for his ex wife to be “raped by a pack of niggers.”

Beaver experts have long stated that the tree chewing rat/table tennis bat hybrids are the most racist creatures on the planet.

Perhaps the beaver was responsible for Oksana’s claims that Gibbo was so horrifyingly abusive to Alexander that he would often hide under the bed, crying. Or indeed, the beaver could be behind the allegation that Mel once threw her son onto a table, quite possibly as a makeshift land-dam.

We should point out, so that lawyers with no sense of humour who may be sniffing around us (again), that Gibson has pleaded no-contest to a charge of battery against Oksana Grigorieva and is currently undergoing a year-long course in anger management and domestic violence counselling.

The beaver, meanwhile, is not, as they are not answerable to American law.

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Would you believe it! The new Mel Gibson movie, The Beaver, isn’t getting too great a reception, taking in a paltry £64,000 at the box office. Seriously. Charlie Sheen spends that on coke before he’s even had his breakfast.

And the producer of the film, Jodie Foster, can’t quite fathom what is to blame for the lukewarm response.

Could it be something to do with the fact that the public’s general consensus of Gibson is that he’s a wife-slapping, Jew-hating, N-bomb dropping nutter who is thoroughly dislikeable in every single way and that, perhaps she may have had more joy if she’d cast Robert Mugabe in the lead role? Well, this totally isn’t the case if you ask Foster.

Jodie says:

“[The Beaver]‘s designed to do something different. And very often Americans are not comfortable with [that].”

Aaaah! So it is the fault of American cinema audiences! It seems pretty obvious now! America really doesn’t like experimental film making do they? Like The Blair Witch Project. Like Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Like Memento.*

Americans HATED those films didn’t they?

Of course, Foster expects The Beaver to get a nicer reception from European audiences. Well, we are hugely xenophobic and knock our spouses about, so we don’t hate Gibson like those good, upstanding Americans do.

This comes on the back of Jodie’s mealy-mouthed reasons for casting Gibson in the first place.

“I think the first order of business is to say who’s the right actor for the role. And especially at this point I can’t think of anybody else but Mel. He was definitely the first on my list. He’s somebody that really understands how to handle humour and the lightness and the charm of the character, but also has a deep understanding of the struggles and that he would keep his feet firmly placed in the drama.”

Yes, yes, yes, but what about Mel’s personal problems (aka, him being more mental than a laughing haddock)? Unbelievably, Foster says that she had “no inkling” of these problems while they were shooting her movie, which means that Jodie Foster can now add the skill of being able to stick her entire head up her colon for months on end to her CV.

Well done you.

*Feel free to show yourself to be the hideous movie nerd that you are by disagreeing with the choices of films and proffering others which are more successful and out-there.

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Mel Gibson has had his Hollywood’s Most Mental crown well and truly pilfered from him by Charlie Sheen. However, that could all change as Mel Gibson stumbles toward the celebsphere once more.

While Charlie Sheen gets his PR company to buff up his unhingery, making him look increasingly like he’s doing a Joaquin Phoenix style Gonzo stunt, Gibson emerges again to look like the real deal.

While he’s been hidden away with a beaver on his arm, the echoes of Those Tapes rattling around his head and his legal team, Gibson has been preparing for Stage 3 of his ‘Look At Me!’ campaign (Stage 1 was to be an actor, Stage 2 was the whole ‘Jew’ business).

By now, every human on Earth has heard those lovely answering machine messages he left on the phone of his ex, Oksana. Initially, his fury probably focused on the fact he couldn’t ever quite remember how to spell her surname. Sadly, it quickly turned into a sweary rant and an alleged slap across her face.

However, there’s some that feel that Grigorieva is trying to extort money out of the Mad Max actor.

With that, he’s now apparently bouncing off the walls shouting about his intention to sue her for extortion if she even dares to slap him with some legal action.

It goes without saying that Oksana plans to file a lawsuit against Mad Mel, citing battery, emotional distress and defamation as her reasons for doing so.

This is where most famous people settle out of court.

Not our Mel. He’s prepared to toss his career into the sea and wage a massive legal war! This is going to get very ugly indeed and, worst of all, it will prompt dithering saps to meekly peer out of the woodwork and say “Think of the poor child caught up in all of this! WAAAAAA!”

Hey! Mel Gibson! Where have you been, eh? Since you sloped off the radar, Charlie Sheen has totally stolen all of your mentalist thunder. You’re looking decidedly lame at the moment. So lame in fact, that you might actually get some work again.

BUT WAIT!

What’s this then? You’ve gone and done something batdung stupid? Don’t tell us! You were found shouting slurs while dangling from a telephone pole by the elastic of your y-fronts? No? You’ve confessed to slapping Oksana Grigorieva? Silly, silly Mel Gibson.

Apparently, the best way to get one of them stupid women to come back to reality is to smack them across the face. Hopefully, with a beaver grafted onto it (yes, we hear that Mel Gibson has now had a live beaver surgically attached to him left arm, so that he can also ‘gnaw’ women back into the real world).

And according to various sources, Gibson is now about to be charged with domestic violence. To add insult to Gibson’s presumably injured hand, Oksana Grigorieva isn’t going to be charged with extortion either.

Good day at the office then, eh Mel?

Sadly for Mad Mel, he’s not been able to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that his ex tried to extort him out of $15 million so she’d keep Those Tapes secret. Y’know? Those tapes where Gibson cheerily wished Oksana a pleasant weekend getting “raped by a pack of niggers”.

It goes without saying that this is all far from clear-cut and could still go either way. Mel has said that he slapped Oksana because she was shaking baby Lucia like a cocktail.

TMZ have a bit of paper which says Gibson said:

“I slapped Oksana one time with an open hand in an attempt to bring her back to reality”

It isn’t clear whether Mel has been repeatedly slapping himself over and over in an attempt to get himself back to something resembling the real world. We’re betting his has. Because he’s a nutter. A massive, massive synapse failure on legs.

Gibson could well be charged with something called misdemeanor domestic violence, which could land him six months in jail.

And when do we get to laugh at the judge’s verdict, only to show immediate remorse when we realise that this is someone’s actual life we’re hooting at?

Two weeks.

Until then, we’ll snicker about the beaver getting visitation rights to go and see Mel Gibson sobbing in prison behind a perspex screen.

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When Mel Gibson isn’t (some of the following is alleged, okay lawyers?) running around with his arm stuck up a beaver’s rectum up to the watch or spewing out racist jibes to police officers, or indeed, punching the veneers from a woman’s mouth, he’s being a doting father.

Awww!

And since he went mental, he’s been trying to convince a judge that he’s very well and good in the mind and that he’d quite like to see his daughter because, y’know, he really likes her and loves her and all that hokey shit. And Judge Scott Gordon has given some big legal thumbs up.

Judge ‘Flash’ Gordon modified the existing custody agreement late Thursday, which means that Mel can now rock back and forth in his house while clutching his child to his chest and muttering about ‘that bitch’.

That is, of course, a reference to Oksana Grigorieva who is being accused of trying to milk Mel’s financial teat for as much money as she can get. Of course, if Those Tapes are the real-deal, then Mel really can’t complain because it has shown him to be a dick of gargantuan proportions.

Judge Gordon has given Mel more time with Lucia, but to be on the safe side, he’s not been given a whole load more time. This increase is measured by hours rather than days per week.

Mel and Oksana both have joint physical and legal custody of Lucia and Mel has visitation rights which total of 6 days (three of which are overnight visits) every two weeks. Lucia, the real victim in all of this (until, of course, she grows up to be a very wealthy, spoiled and warped teenager), is probably sick of the sight of both of them.

Oksana will be mightily pissed off with all this as she wanted to strip Mel of overnight visits altogether. Not surprising really because, for where we’re sat, he does appear to be fucking insane. She’s probably imagining some nightmare scenario where Gibson tries to convince his daughter that his beaver glove puppet is her new mother.

It’ll be a fun Christmas present-wise for the child as she is showered with gifts from both sides and, of course, we all know that presents equals love.

Let the bidding on Lucia’s heart commence!

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When Winona Ryder isn’t being a kleptomaniac all the time, she’s… well… not being doing much of note other than her job as actress. Mercifully, she’s stopped being pretty-but-dull to start thrashing around wildly and hurling insults at Mel Gibson. She should write for hecklerspray.

Winona reveals that she once had an encounter with Mel Gibson where the actor made offensive homophobic and anti-Semitic comments.

No real surprise there then.

Winona, who loads of thirtysomethings still fancy, recalls an encounter with the stark raving mentalist Gibson a few years ago at a party where he carried on like he was a horrible hybrid of Bernard Manning and Joan Rivers.

Winona, who happens to be a Jew, said:

“I remember, like, fifteen years ago, I was at one of those big Hollywood parties. And he was really drunk. I was with my friend, who’s gay. He made a really horrible gay joke.

“And somehow it came up that I was Jewish. He said something about ‘oven dodgers,’ but I didn’t get it. I’d never heard that before. It was just this weird, weird moment. I was like, ‘He’s anti-Semitic and he’s homophobic.’ No one believed me!”

Perhaps Mel Gibson should consider becoming a stand-up comedian, passing off his colourful views as being post-modern, like Frankie Boyle who is currently doing his best to set fire to his career by being the most pointlessly offensive person on the planet in the name of being free to make jokes about anything.

Of course, Winona isn’t perfect and pale. Aside from the whole shoplifting thing, where she stole 6000 spanners from a Kent B&Q, has struggled with prescription drugs.

In fairness to Winona, prescription drugs are incredibly tasty and moreish.

She slurred:

“I got really wiped out, and I had a semi-breakdown. I wasn’t sleeping, I didn’t know who I was because of different roles.

“Those things. I think they’re more powerful than people think. People think, ‘Oh, heroin’s the hardest,’ but pills can be…

“I broke my arm in two places. For about a month, I had to take it. But then I just kept taking it for, like… maybe three more weeks. But the thing I do remember is that once my arm was OK and they were still there, you kind of like… “

Like what? Gobble them down like a famished heron stood in a fish pond?

Still, better to be zoned out on tablets than getting recorded while ranting racial slurs and apparently punching Oksana Grigorieva’s teeth out, eh?

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Hey Mel Gibson! You’re as mad as a shoe filled with giggling fingers! You’ve said dodgy things to policemen, allegedly punched your ex-gal’s teeth out, left a series of unsavoury tapes lying around the place and generally shagged your career so hard that it is now hobbling around and bow-legged like John Wayne.

There must be some way you can make us forget about how insane you are? Maybe by going back to the thing that made you famous in the first place – acting?

What’s that? You’re reviving your career by starring in a film! Great news! What is to be? A dark-thriller where you draw on your personal demons and deliver a creepy, but powerful performance? What? It’s called The Beaver and it sees you getting kicked out of the marital home and going brain-wrong? Really?

That’s right. Gibson plays a chap called Walter Black who is despairingly lonely and abandoned by his family. So, his character does what any normal person would do, which is to communicate to the world via a puppet Beaver. With a rubbish British accent not unlike a bad Michael Caine impression.

If we’re to assume this film is vaguely believable, and that a broken man can find redemption by talking to everyone via a Beaver, then we can only hope that the line between reality and fiction is blurred and that somewhere, right now, Mel Gibson is talking to a lawyer about his court case with Oksana Grigorieva while dressed like Bernie Clifton as an ostrich.

Only without the expletives and racial slurs, eh?

The film is set to be released next spring, which coincidentally, will be timed just as courts look to resolve the custody battle that Gibson is currently embroiled in. There’s been delays on the release of the film for supposed reshoots, but mutterings from Tinseltown suggest that there’s been tension on set, probably from the other actors not wanting to work with Mel Gibson because he’s as mad as a talking hammer.

That’s not to mention the set-up of the film.

The film’s producers, apparently, don’t know what to do with this Jodie Foster-directed movie. How do you promote a film that stars a mad man playing the character of someone who is… er… crazy in the brains?

It’s worth pointing out (for legal reasons) that Gibson’s lawyers deny that he was ever violent towards Grigorieva and that she’s trying to blackmail money out of the actor. We know this because hecklerspray attended a press-conference about it all where Gibson’s lawyer relayed information to us via Keith Harris and Orville.

Anyway, if you think we’re making all this up, have a look at the trailer for the film. It’ll make you feel like the universe is folding in on itself.

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For some reason, Mel Gibson fans think it is okay for him to hit a woman, based presumably on the fact that they like his films. And while Oksana Grigorieva continues to be the (alleged) battered wife in all of this sorry tale, it seems that Gibson only needs to throw his hands up and say “I never did” and Gibsonites will be out in force branding Oksana a liar.

However, all decisions thus far have been made on very little. All we’ve known is that Those Tapes were leaked which made Mel Gibson sound as mad as a tree filled with human legs and that he’s under the impression she’s trying to get some extortion on the go.

Now, for the first time since this whole furore kicked off, Oksana Grigorieva has talked about the actor and their relationship on Wednesday’s Larry King Live on CNN.

Gibson has been very, very quiet on the whole thing, refusing to comment on whether Those Tapes are real, his views on the paternity and domestic violence court cases. All he’s saying is that Grigorieva is guilty of extortion.

However, Grigorieva is happier to talk and on Larry King’s show, went over what happened on the night of Jan. 6 when she fought with Mel Gibson.

She says:

“He hit me and choked me in front of my son and brandished a gun at me.”

“The very following day he was apologetic, asking for a chance. He said he would be cured, treated, evaluated. All those words. I didn’t record it. I believed it. If someone’s asking for a chance, you give them a chance.”

However, after that, Gibson repeatedly called her and she went about recording the calls.

“I knew this is not the man I fell in love with. This is his illness – this profanity, anger, rage,”

You might be thinking ‘Why did she tape him then?’

“I’m actually not going to live through the night. I wanted my mother to be able to prove, if I’m dead, who did it.”

Zoinks! Big talk!

It seems that, when she became pregnant with daughter Lucia (the child that Oksana and Gibson are both in court over), Mel started to show ‘his true self’.

“Early in our relationship, he did say, ‘There’s a dark side of me. I don’t want you to ever see that because it will destroy us.’”

So would he get blind drunk and lash out?

“There was no liquor. He’s a batterer. Domestic violence is an illness.”

Jesus wept. There’s no jokes to be had here is there? We’re either looking at some incredibly callous lying or a tale of a mentally ill person beating up his wife.

We wish we hadn’t written this thing now.

How horribly sobering. At least Charlie Sheen had the decency to beat up inanimate objects while making someone fear for their life.

Oh look. That’s nearly a joke. That’ll do.

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Like all gossip sites, hecklerspray has been known to creep into a few celebrity gardens and make off with a handful of undies from the washing line and pinch a few toothbrushes from the bins in an attempt to clone famous people so we can make them do silly things and write stories about them.

However, we totally didn’t steal court documents from the Mel Gibson child custody case. Nope. Not us. Really. Never.

The confidential documents “were stolen probably from the court” and the leaker “got paid a good deal of money,” said Martin Garbus, an attorney for Gibson’s ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva.

Grigorieva and Garbus discussed the leaks in an interview scheduled to air Wednesday night on CNN’s Larry King Live.

Garbus told King.

“It’s medical documents, declarations, court opinions, transcripts, everything it seems,”

“They say over 2,000 pages of documents were leaked and the district attorney’s office has started an investigation”

There’s no point looking at us. We haven’t read the 2,000 pages of really boring legal documents just to find one vaguely titillating snippet about a pair of people who are both clearly unhinged in their own special way.

Garbus continued:

“Whoever took the files from the courthouse -  it’s 2,000 pages – certainly got paid a good deal of money,”

A lawyer for Gibson declined to comment, but Grigorieva said the leaks did not come from her side.

“It could be quite terrible because this case could turn into a gossip story and swayed from what’s important here. It’s domestic violence and Lucia at stake.”

Domestic violence? Yep. Apparently, Mel has held his hands up and admitted slapping Oksana. Of course, he didn’t say ‘I gave her a slap for a laugh’, but rather, he’s reportedly said that he slapped her ‘with an open hand’ and ‘not hard’ because he was trying to protect his child, Lucia.

Hmmm.

The Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department is investigating both accusations of domestic violence and the claims that Oksana is trying to blackmail money from Gibson.

This isn’t going away.

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It’s all been a bit quiet on the Mel Gibson front of late. He’s probably seen Charlie Sheen’s meltdown and thought ‘Cool! I can relax a bit! Someone needs to show how rotten Hollywood is to the core!’

This is probably because Gibson is now in court as opposed to hiding under his duvet and swearing at his own legs (or whatever it is he’s been doing all this time).

The bug-eyed actor and Oksana Grigorieva (we’ll be glad when we don’t have to keep typing her name out over and over) were in a courtroom in LA yesterday for yet another episode of ‘Who Can Look Most Mental?’

Mel arrived for the closed custody hearing about 10 minutes before ex-girlfriend Oksana, very much like someone who turns up at a job interview slightly too early so they look keen. Nice work Mel. We hope you took chewing gum to cover up the smell of any nervous fags you smoked prior to entering the building.

Of course, between all the leaking of tapes which contained all manner of unsavoury language, the pair have been sparring over financial matters and custody of their infant daughter.

As such, Gibson must cough-up $60,000 in back child support to Oksana Grigorieva because he’s been refusing to pay up until he was allowed to deduct the $6,000-a-month in rent he pays for the home where Grigorieva is staying with her mother and daughter.

However, the Los Angeles court rejected his rent deduction and forced him to write a big ol’ cheque.

This of course, will only add to the notion that some people have, that Oksana is attempting to extort him for money. It’s worth pointing out though, that it’s been alleged that Mel way well have punched her veneers out, so be careful if you’re siding with him, because y’know, there’s a chance he’s a wife-beater. For all concerned, we’re hoping he’s not (mainly because we’ve yet to find the funny angle on domestic violence).

As a result of this, Grigorieva’s team have asked the judge to deny Gibson visitation rights, citing fear of the actor’s temper. There’ll be no judgement on that ’til early next year though.

We eagerly await the accusations and claims of people coming out of the woodwork who reckon they had an affair with one of them. Or both! THAT would be a great story!

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Mel Gibson may have had a lot to say on those infamous leaked tapes, where he said all manner of unsavoury things (unsavoury? Surely that means ‘sweet’?) to Oksana Grigorieva, including dropping the N Bomb and suggesting he might commit a crime… but he’s been awfully quiet lately.

That’s because, possibly for the first time in his life, he’s being asked to listen.

And what that means is, Mel could be forced during his deposition to have a playback of his tirades that Oksana secretly taped. That’ll be fun for him!

That’s right – Oksana Grigorieva’s legal team are trying to force Gibson’s ears around the tapes to see what he has to say for himself.

What they’re hoping to prove is that Mel physically abused Oksana and also, that he’s an unfit parent. Understandably, the lawyers want to ask Gibson about ALLEGED domestic violence, the rants… the whole shebang.

This will be the first time that Gibson will testify under oath in this spectacularly ugly custody case and rumour has it, Oksana’s lawyers are viewing it as a “no holds barred” deposition.

We can only hope that means it’ll resemble the really awful (but kinda brilliant) Hulk Hogan film of the same name that was released in the ’80s.

Basically, this is all to challenge Mel Gibson’s credibility, of which at the moment, is at an all-time low. You disagree? You think that, before now, he would have been ditched from a cameo role in a crappy follow up to the already crappy Hangover?

Not likely.

There’s one snag in this whole spat. Oksana claims that she doesn’t have the original recordings and Mel’s lawyers aren’t likely to accept someone playing them from YouTube are they?

This one is going to drag out for some time yet.

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Yes dear readers, ANOTHER look-what-Mel-Gibson-has-done-now-isn’t-he-a-big-bucket-of-mad story.

Well actually, no. It’s more that some faceless drones in that vicious meat grinder that we call Hollywood have decided that Mad Ol’ Mel is a little too mad for them to work with.  That cameo in The Hangover 2 we told you about, just ain’t happening any more.

Which means, once again, Hecklerspray has built up your expectations and then cruelly pissed all over them.

Now that you are dripping wet in metaphors we’ll further your soggy discomfort by claiming that Hangover 2 WILL NOT be as good as the first. It just won’t.  Yes, there’s your Zach Galifianakis, Bradley Coopers, a light sprinkling of Ed Helms and Justin Bartha to taste. And yes, Todd Phillips is driving the whole thing.

But it still wont be as good.

But anyway, back to the story. This is actually about Mel not being allowed to play. Why is this? Because he’s just not nice enough. Todd Phillips had planned to cast Gibson as a tattoo artist, and obviously, hilarity would surely follow.  Instead his cast and crew have taken a dim view of Mel’s compilation box set of threatening calls to his ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva*.

We’re pretty sure that the LAPD’s investigation into domestic abuse in the Gibson household didn’t really help.

Phillips was ever-so-nice about it all, gave everyone a big group hug and said:

“I realize film-making is a collaborative effort and this decision ultimately did not have the full support of my entire cast and crew.”

A spokesman for Gibson rolled his eyes and shrugged in a ‘whatever’ gesture.

Wait, hang on a sec. The cast and crew don’t want to work with Gibson because of his poor phone manner and is innocent until proven guilty of being a bully. Yet the same bunch gladly worked with Mike Tyson?!

Mike Tyson,  the convicted rapist.

Mike Tyson, the guy who tried tried to bite of  Evander Holyfield’s ear.

Mike Tyson, the Phil Collins fan!

You’ve got to be pretty freaking mental to be labelled as more of a dick than Mike Tyson.

*NOW! That’s what I call crazy.  Available for Christmas.

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It seems like ages since we wrote about the mental catfight between Mel Gibson and Oksana Grigorieva. To be honest, we’ll be glad when it’s all over because typing out the name ‘Grigorieva’ is a pain in the arse. However, for now, we gloat as they both get weirder and nastier to each other.

So what are they doing now? Well, after those phone-calls, alleged punches to the veneers and the endless column inches, which Gibson has been incredibly quiet about thus far, we’re reaching critical mass where Gibson is surely going to literally explode like a bag of offal and methane around a lit match.

That’s because Oksana Grigorieva has enlisted a secret weapon in an attempt to stop Mel Gibson being able to see his daughter during overnight visits and, naturally, Mel won’t giving up that right without a scrap.

Apparently, Gibson’s attorneys have filed a request to depose Dr. Shawn McCoy, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in child custody evaluations.

Gibson can only hope that the people in his corner haven’t heard those leaked tapes eh? If you believe them, boy, you wouldn’t trust the Braveheart actor to look after your Sea Monkeys would you?

Sources mutter that McCoy was hired by one of Oksana’s previous lawyers and they submitted a declaration to the court which pretty much said that children should not be with the father overnight when the parents are separated.

That, of course, is twaddle. Unless, of course, you suspect the father in question to be as mad as a trouser leg full of ferrets.

Apparently, Mel’s had one overnight visit with Lucia per week for the past several months and thus far, there’s been no problems. As a result of that, it’ll be tough for Oksana’s people to convince a judge that he shouldn’t be allowed to see the daughter they share.

Naturally, the real victim in all of this is the daughter in question who must be looking at both of her parents and thinking they’re both completely batshit mental.

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While Mel Gibson goes on a meltdown over the accusations made against him by Oksana Grigorieva, hiding away in his house wondering what the hell he’s going to say to the world, we can all turn our attentions to former James Bond, Timothy Dalton.

Apparently, Oksana has claimed that she’s also been the victim of Tim Dalton’s “rages.” What does that mean? Well, she’s told lawyers that Dalton had allegedly abused her physically.

So, this is either a woman lifting the lid on rampant spousal abuse in Hollywood or she’s really, really annoying and makes people shout at her so much that she makes things up about them while wounded. Or, of course, option three, Oksana is really unlucky and went out with two pricks.

Once again, TMZ are on the case, stating that the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department is in possession of at least one email from Oksana to Mel in which she claims Dalton physically abused her.

To save our cowardly arses from legal action from anyone, let us point out in the bluntest of language that it seems Oksana never went to the police about this, absolutely no action was ever taken against Dalton and there is absolutely no evidence to back this up.

Unless you think he learned some punching and mind tricks whilst playing James Bond WHO ISN’T REAL.

Dalton has called Daniel Horowitz, Oksana’s lawyer (and quite possibly, the busiest person in the world right now) and they say:

“Dalton said that he spoke with Oksana and they both agreed that anyone claiming there was abusiveness in the relationship is a liar and it is a complete fabrication.”

Adding that Dalton said:

“Oksana and I are still friends to this day.”

As for Oksana telling Mel and lawyers that Dalton was abusive, Horowitz says:

“This is an attack on Oksana and Tim’s son, because this is going to hurt him by false allegations that his father is a loser the way Mel Gibson is a loser. Tim Dalton is not Mel Gibson. He’s a fine human being.”

Does this mean someone’s leaking stuff to try and undermine the whole thing. This is getting both confusing and boring.

Here comes Oksana to clear things up:

“Tim is a wonderful father. We have a great relationship. Any implication that he ever struck me is untrue. He is a very private person and I would like people to respect his privacy and to recognize the sanctity of the love of my son for his father. This is just another vicious attack on my family.”

That’s that then.

Isn’t it?

No?

Oh sweet muscular Jesus, will someone just sort this out once and for all?

Good grief. Mel Gibson appears to have gone way beyond tipping point and landed in some pool of complete weirdness. Weirdness and swearing. Weirdness, swearing and dodgy racist chat.

Of course, thanks to being very famous, Gibson can rely on a whole host of thick skulled fans who will absolutely refuse to believe that Mel could ever do anything nasty unless provoked. It’s probably a conspiracy against him right? Or Oksana Grigorieva is really good a manipulating him like some puppet master, forcing him to ring her up and call her a whore and other, more ‘adult’ words… right?

Anyway, the tapes that have been leaked and are doing irreparable damage to Mel Gibson’s career have been the source of lots of controversy, not to mention an extortion probe. The latest on those is that they weren’t leaked by Oksana’s little sister. Okay?

You see, Oksana has stated that her little sis, Natalie Grigorieva, was in possession of the recordings of Mel Gibson’s huge and now very public nervous breakdown, but alas, Natalie could not have been the person to the leak them.

And how might she know this?

It all hinges on one particular tape, a tape that Natalie did not have.

Sources (them again! Next week ‘a pal’) close to Oksana say that she gave her younger sister the tapes of going stark raving mental on the phone.

She did this because she thought she was going to die. Yep, Oksana thought Mel was going to kill her and wanted someone to have evidence. However, Natalie received only nine of the ten tapes that have been leaked.

Oksana claims Natalie never had the tape where Mel says his most infamous of lines:

“You look like a f**king pig in heat and if you get raped by a pack of ni**ers it will be your fault.”

You buying this story thus far?

So if Natalie isn’t the leak, who is? Absolutely zero points go to anyone suggesting that it might be Oksana herself. Okay? That’s insulting obvious. It’s better to suggest someone from right outta left field. We’re deciding that the leaks probably came from Eddie Murphy, Debbie Gibson or Our Lord Jesus Christ.

And here’s a reminder of the voicemails Mel Gibson (allegedly) left on Oksana Grigorieva’s voicemail.

Contains swearing and incoherent rambling about all manner of nonsense. Feel free to call a woman who may have been beaten up by her husband a load of nasty names in the comments you heartless bastards.

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