All of a sudden everyone’s bisexual, everyone.

The Big Brother people, Megan Fox, the one from Black Eyed Peas – everyone. Unfortunately, we’re not impressed one jot, because, frankly, being bisexual is a doddle. The ones we really look up to are the lesbians. And to prove it, here’s a list of the greatest lesbians walking the earth…

Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster kept us all umming and ahhing for years about the state of her lesbianism, before casually outing herself during an awards ceremony acceptance speech. It was a move akin to OJ Simpson admitting murder at a parent’s evening. She gives lesbians a good name by not conforming to dungareed stereotypes, and having an air about her that suggests bisexuality is totally out of the question. Women only for this chick, fellas.

Martina Navratilova

Of course, now we all know that at least fifty per cent of women tennis players are actually married or going out with one another, but it took Martina to open our eyes to the sexual side of the lady’s tour. In amongst the drippy young things with their fluttering eyes and puff ball skirts, there she was, steely eyed, and cock out. Metaphorically speaking.

Cynthia Nixon

Otherwise known as the ginger one from Sex in The City, Cynthia was probably fourth choice to most regular viewers. Unless, of course, you happen to be a lesbian, in which case she probably topped the list. Why? Because she’s a bloody great big lesbian, just like you are. Although she’s a ginger one.

Alex Parks

For those who can’t remember, Alex was the foghorn voiced lesbian who won Fame Academy a few years ago. She is a fine example of a lesbian who managed to break free from the shackles of her youth, and shine like a bright lesbian star. Unfortunately, that star has totally faded, and now she’s just another washed up lesbian who could have had it all, but has nothing. Just her lesbian friends, and her own lesbianism.

Sinead O’Connor

The lesbian jury is still out on the extent of Sinead O’Connor’s lesbianism. She’s been married more than once to BLOODY MEN, she’s had something like four kids. But in an interview in 2000, she said “I actually am a lesbian.” Would a non-lesbian say that? Would they? We’re not sure.

Portia de Rossi

Even though she’s got blonde hair and a great body, Portia de Rossi isn’t just being lesbian to turn her boyfriend on, she actually is a lesbian! In fact she’s so lesbian that she decided to gay marry Ellen DeGeneres, who is a famous American lesbian. Two lesbians. Married.

Lindsay Lohan

Child star, drugs, then lesbian. That’s your Lindsay Lohan.

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While we have tried to make you believe that big boss man Stuart Heritage has gone in to hibernation, it is in fact a bit of a lie. You see, after spending months wondering why he has so many odd socks, Stu has gone off to find the critters responsible and aims to unite his left Scooby Doo sock with the missing right one.

Other problems facing the world at the moment include soaring petrol costs, how to block annoying applications on Facebook and getting a decent cup of tea made.

One thing we haven’t thought too much about is why more girls decide to shun blokes for other lady folk. Well, that is everyone apart from Usher. After spending years of researching the issue and spending millions of dollars, he’s ready to present his findings in a 10,000 page dossier.

Though we’ve been able to condense it all down in to a sentence for you. Isn’t that helpful?

At first, we just thought it was crap popstar turned reality star Tila Tequila who could explain all that sexual stuff to us.

If it wasn’t for her, we wouldn’t know where to insert what to where. Though after listening to the scary tattooed harlot bleat on about sex for a bit, we’ve been turned off – slightly.

Now it seems that R&B crooner Usher knows how women think when it comes to making a love decision. We’re glad he knows something else apart from singing. His geographical knowledge is terrible. Just ask the pikeys in Kent about the time he mixed up Maidstone and Manchester.

One is slightly glamorous and one is a dive. How could that error have slipped through? And as for naming children? The poor bloke found the task of naming his own son quite a challenge. Unable to come up with a ridiculous name like Flushing Bleep G , he called his son Usher. How original.

We don’t know why Usher was talking about lesbians. Maybe he’d just watched one of those films where a couple of ladies do things too each other that get men racing for the Kleenex. Anyway, according to Now magazine, Usher believes there are so many lady lovers because:

“Men don’t want to commit. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men.”

As simple as that apparently, once again it’s a sodden blokes’ fault. Nothing to do with women being utterly confusing to understand.

Doing a Rubik’s cube blindfolded is easier to work out then writing a guide on how women think. Due to one species being utter twats in the words of Usher, it’s triggered off a frenzy off women looking to get a little closer with their own sex.

We don’t know how to convert them all back, but if we’ve learnt anything from watching TV, the lady loves Milktray, and men who give them a chocolate injection. Keep a box of the chocolates handy and if you see a couple of lesbians necking on, thrust the remedy at them and they will be cured.

Though we can’t guarantee they will fall in love you then and there and take you behind the local chipshop.

Clever musicians, what ever next? 50 Cent to tell us what type of cheese the moon is made from or what about Missy Elliot will tell us where the lost city of Atlantis is?